you and i both.

...And it's okay if you have to go away

Oh just remember the telephone works both ways

And if I never ever hear them ring

If nothing else I'll think the bells inside

Have finally found you someone else and that's okay

Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see me now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of...
well I'm almost finally, finally, out of words.
-j.mraz

just haven't met you yet...

I might have to wait

I’ll never give up

I guess it's half timin'

and the other half's luck

Wherever you are

Whenever it's right

You'll come outta nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazin'

And baby your love is gonna change me

And now I can see every possibility

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out

You'll make me work so we can work to work it out

And promise you kid

I'll give so much more than I get

I just haven't met you yet.

the more:

• bad dates I have
• I see my friends in relationships they shouldn't be in
• I get to know myself
• I get to know what I want
• I get hit on by creepers
• I appreciate myself

.... the more I know that someday, there will be someone just *perfect* for me. I think it'll be a perfect compliment. I think I'll be inspired. I think it'll be love.at.first.sight.

&& until then. I'm happy. :o) Life is goood.

~l <3

meet me in chicago <3

Meet me in Chicago

Down by the water line

Step across the gold coast

To my heart and to your wine

<3 Pandora

You paint a picture on the wall

Cause you've got a lot to tell me

But you don't think you could say it better oh baby

You're bringing up times I can't recall

And I'm sure they made your point

But I just can't seem to remember yeah

And I know you've got the feeling

And I can't say I'm agreeing

With your topic of conversation S

o just listen to the reasons

And the hints I've been giving

To the thoughts of my imagination

So come on let me see

I say baby you are amazing

I want to let you see

That you are everything and more to me

I will let you be I will I will

Cause I saw you walking down the hall

And I had a lot to tell you

But I didn't think you could say it better oh baby

You're good at makin me feel so small

And I know you made your point

But I just don't want to remember yeah

And I know you've got the feelin

And I cant say I'm agreein with your topic of conversation

So just listen to the reasons

And the hints that I've been giving

To the thoughts of my imagination

Cause I'm dancing around

In your world of play

I'm takin my time to make sure you stay

I would give my life to make it okay

So come on let me see...

~josh kelley

girlfriends: if you are not using Pandora, you need to! It's so great. I am on John Mayer radio right now. That song (Amazing) just came on. Makes me want to dance. :)

I was totally going to do a fancy cute thing like Meggers and Carrie BUT I'm so sleepy.

So it's so crazy busy at work that they're giving us laptops to work at home. On top of working from 8am-6pm M-F.

So much for taking an extra class next term. Mer. It's ok. It'll be ok. I actually do like working and am glad I can justify sitting on the couch by having my laptop on my lap. Working. Getting paid!

loves.

Saint Paul

Just when I had you off my head

Your voice comes thrashing wildly through my quiet bed

You say you wanna try again

But I've tried everything but giving in

Why you wanna break my heart again

Why am I gonna let you try

I love you more than songs can say

But I can't keep running after yesterday

So why you wanna break my heart again

Why am I gonna let you try

-john mayer.all we ever do is say goodbye

battle studies

2009

meow

I love my cat, Jack :]

broken <3

David came over last night for our weekly dinner date. He shared with me that he met someone on Saturday night. And he wanted to see where it was going to go. But that he loved me and cared for me and only wanted the best for me. He wants to be in my life blah blah blah...

and it hurts. soo bad. Here I was.. ready.. ready to make it work, to make US work and BAM. Like a ton of bricks. Right to the heart. Hmph. =(

decisions...

SO I had a meeting with my advisor last night! I'll be done with school in December of 2012.... It seems like a lonngggg time away but I know it's not, and I know it'll fly! I am excited because I'm minoring in sales! I have some credits for electives but decided to pick up a minor. So my major will be Marketing and Management, and my minor is Sales.

My pickle is this:

MBA or MAOL?

MBA is a Master's of Business Administration & MAOL is an 'alternative' to the MBA; it is a Master's of Organziational Leadership.....

Hmmm...

Well, four years ago I was set on being a social work major.
& now I'm totally NOT that...

so... only time will tell :)

~L

thankful.

this is me procrastinating studying....

Thanksgiving is coming up and this year, I have *so* much to be thankful for.

On September 22nd, 2009 my 14 year old brother was hit by a truck while riding his bike. He was airlifted to North Memorial Hospital. Seeing him laying the E.R. was the most devistating image in my mind. We knew he'd make it, but would he know who we were? When you're hit by a truck going 30 mph and you're not wearing a helmet, it's a scary thing and it's a possibility you will have severe brain damage. The first few days were the worst. After Logan got out of surgery, before they took out his breathing tubes, he ripped them out himself. He was crying, but couldn't cry... he had tears coming out his eyes.

To this day, I have nightmares about losing my brother. He had an angel with him, that is for sure. We are lucky that we are 7 weeks out and he's out of a cast for his broken leg and into a wheelchair. He is back in school and overall, doing well. He has a little bit of trauma stress, too... especially if anyone talks about it. He doesn't remember anything about it.

My senior year of high school (2005), my brother Justin moved away. He went to live in a boys type home in Milaca, MN. I didn't see him until September of 2005. It was 9 months. I was hysterical. Everytime after that, it got better. But, it's been a long road for him. It's been 4+ years and probably 5 or 6 different treatment facilities but if all is well, he'll be discharged, for good, on Friday...

This Thanksgiving is the first since 2004 that I'll be with my mom and brothers. My brothers are my rocks. I would do anything and give anything for either of them. I love them both with all my heart. I don't know what I would do if I lost either of them. Thankfully, I do not have to think about that. I have two healthy and vibrant brothers to share my life with.

But you're

Untouchable

Burning brighter than the sun

And now that you're close

I feel like coming undone

In the middle of the night

When I'm in this dream

It's like a million little stars

Spelling out your name

You gotta, come on, come on

Say that we'll be together

...litte taste of heaven..

untouchable--[t.swift]

amazing.

By far the best product.. ever. This smells soooo good. I won the conditioner at work and am now wanting to purchase *everything*.

Oh.

My.

Goodness.

maybe our mistakes are what make our fate ~carrie bradshaw

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. -- Author Unknown

"What happens when he's your prince charming, but you're not his cinderella?"

love.never.fails.

for God is greater than our hearts
and knows everything.
Beloved, if (our) hearts do not condemn us,
we have confidence in God
and receive from him whatever we ask

i have faith.

i have faith that if i take a step back & stop analyzing, that everything will work out.

i know that i am happy as i am.

i know that the *one* i want, the *one* i love, loves me too.

he makes me want to be a better person.

he makes me smile.

he makes me laugh.

i know that what's meant to be

will find it's way

i trust.

trust.

i trust. & hope. & pray. & love.

i am ready now.

come get me.

i'm ready.

st. paul.

I love St. Paul. I can not rave enough about the 651. I had *the best* St. Paul day on Saturday the 24th. I walked from my apartment, to Grand Ave. Spent the entire day on Grand. Met Kelly for lunch. Shopped. Went to Cossetta's with Ella. Went out at night with Kelly and Dana. Had a great, great night. I love St. Paul. & Securian. =]

snazzy.

Well it's been over a month - almost 2 months - since I've posted. I drew a litte inspiration off Meggie's blog. She's such a good writer. So, some news:

On the break up front, I'm over that whole thing! I truly believe that *everything happens for a reason* & that at that point I could not see it and was devastated, but now, I am happy. I am fine. I am excited for this new thing, singlehood, which will prepare me for MNBF, as I like to call him... [my next boyfriend]. I think it's clever. Anyway, I have been told that I need to not have this "list" of things I will or won't have in someone I date, but I think, it's okay to not want to date a felon (more on that later) or to not date someone that wears white socks with work clothes... or to make sure the next person I date not only has standards but dreams and desires. I won't settle. & I think that is perfectly OK. But I also learned something from that relationship, as I realize, I learn from every human interaction in my life. I also learned that I'm not totally over my real, true love.. David. I miss him a lot. Especially in the Fall, as we spent the past 3 Falls together... I have changed and grown soo much since we've been apart and I *wish* we could be together.... BUT. We're not. So.... on I go.... living, and learning...

In other news: MY BFF Alyssa got engaged! I am *so* happy for her - and honored! I get to be a bridesmaid! Alyssa and I have been friends since 7th grade. That is SO long! That means I've known Meggers since she was in 5th grade. I remember her - basketball playing, cat loving, Meagan! Anyway, I am so so so SO excited, I have never been a bridesmaid before! We already picked our dresses and they are to die for. SO cute. I love them. Alyssa's ring and dress are beautiful. I am confident that the wedding will be great and her and Mike will have a wonderful, happy married life together. <3>

School is going well. Granted, I have one class.... I like the weekend college format and I love St. Kate's, a lot. Someday when I get married [to MNBF ;)] it will be at St. Kate's. Or the Cathedral. I don't know which one just yet :) I just know that whenever it happens, it'll be perfect. Maybe 2 years, maybe 10. Who knows! There is a plan for me, so we shall see.

Work is good. We have been CRAZY busy at Securian.... and I like that, but I hate feeling so behind all the time and never getting anything done... Sometimes I wish that I could just do school, and not have to work.. but then I snap out of it. I am sort of feeling that way today.... thinking life would be easier if I didn't work 40 + hours a week, if I could just have classes and study and do homework.. but then I remember that I have to have a job in order to pay my rent! And I think, well I'll just move to Grandma's! then I think... no... I like my apartment and my independence... so... I just stay content!

Mr. Jack is so naughty. Jack is my cat, btw. He's such a little twerp and always getting into something. The other night, I was moving my bed around and he decided to help... He's so bad but so stinkin' cute, I can't resist him!

Mmkay. Ella's coming down for lunch. Chicken Strips & Mashed Potatoes. A highlight in the caf at Securian (like Italian Dunkers in school).

~L

//i ain't settlin, or just getting by, i've had enough so-so for the rest of my life, tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high, cause love ain't enough this time. i ain't settling, for anything less than everything...\\

it's gonna hurt bad before it gets better...

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

It just hit me last night that I am single again... That Nick dumped ME. It's been a while since I've been the dumpee rather than the dumper. It hurts. I remember why I put up walls after David and why I didn't want to get into a relationship. Because I hate the feeling of walking around somewhere and thinking of that other person. I am ready to be single; I need to be single. But, I also need to not pretend it doesn't hurt and that I am not sad. Because I am. And it does hurt. And I am sad. I'm sad because I'll miss Nick. He was quirky and cute and funny. I'll miss having someone to spend time with. I will miss him. But... I just need to give it time and it will all be okay.

~L

It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way
keith urban.tonight i wanna cry.

thankyou~thankyou~thankyou!

Thanks to everyone for coming out for my Bday. It was a blast :)

On a side note - Nick broke up with me last night! I am doing just fine... sometimes things just aren't meant to be! So I'll be sad for a few days but then I'll move on and get over it.

love love.

L

Don't let me stop you from doing what you wanna do
You don't wanna stick, trust me it's cool, take no chance, get over you
No, no don't let me stop you, if you wanna leave baby you can leave
Just don't pretend that you're into me if it ain't true
No don't let me stop you
-k.clarkson. don't let me stop you.

Whoa.

I have been soo busy....

update:

I moved a couple of weeks ago! I am back to where I belong: THE STP! *so* close to work. I live right near the Cathedral, and let me tell you, it is beautiful. I love waking up and going outside to head to work to see the sun rising and reflecting off of it. It is a 1 bedroom apartment and it's just me and my cat, Jack. So amazing! AND my best friend, Ella, lives across the hall. Perfection.

I can't believe summer is almost over! It went wayyy to quick, as always.

My 22nd birthday is coming up. I can't believe I'll be 22! Turning 21 was so exciting, and now, 22 is just sort of like, meh...

I am going back to St. Kate's. I am enrolled in the Weekend College Program. My major is Marketing and Management. I am very excited.

Work is crazy busy. I love it though. It keeps me on my toes! I love Securian and I love working and being a grown up!

That's all for now.

~L

I haven't written lately and now will just be a shorty! I'm going to post my favorite pic from my weekend in Chicago! That was over Memorial weekend, so, a few weeks ago!

Navy Pier!

the Ferris Wheel!

Skyline

omigosh!

I saw blue shirt boy today in the caf.

I think we're meant to be because I got switched to later lunch, 12:30 now, and today, on my way over there I was thinking to myself that I probably wouldn't be seeing him anymore because I normally saw him around 12 or 12:15. So I walked into the caf, and BAM, there he was. I thought it was a sign. So I followed him around, to try and figure out what he was getting for lunch, and I ended up in the hot salad line, while he was at the grill line. So while I was staring at him my friend Annette that I haven't seen a while popped out of nowhere! We were chatting and I lost track of him. Then I explained to her that he's my secert love and that I had to watch him so, like any good friend, she watched him with me!

Nothing exciting, although, he did smile at me. Yayy! :) hehehe.

Old School! This is from Turkey Day 2005. Good times! lovelovelove you girls!

I bet you're in a bar

Listening to a country song

Glass of Johnny Walker Red

With no one to take you home

it's all wrong::it's so right

Confession: David and I have been talking/seeing each other lately. I know that I am not in place for boyfriend. I don't want a boyfriend. I desperately enjoy the companionship. I miss different parts of our relationship. I don't miss other parts. I want to erase and go back to the good times, the good days. So, here's the thing: we had lunch on Sunday. It was fine, nothing to spectacular. It made me miss our good times even more. I wished I was going home to him and Penelope, to our regular Sunday activities - laundry, dishes, walks, talks, cooking dinner, taking a nap...

Last night, David called me. Well OK I lied. I texted him, said that I was feeling lonely. He texted me back 2 hours later, and I texted him back. Then I called him. HE didn't answer, so he called me back. So he asked if I wanted him to come over. Had that been 2 hours earlier, I would have said yes. However, I had gotten my head out of the gutter at this point so I politely declined his offer. After chatting, he asked if I wanted to see him this weekend sometime, maybe Sunday night. I said I wasn't sure, but I'd let him know. So, then he says to me, I love you. He says he wants me to know that he loves me and he always will. He said he misses "us" and that right now, neither of us are at a point that would be healthy to harvest a relationship. He then told me that he wants to be with me at some point but he isn't sure if he wants to be with me forever. Umm. HOLD THE PHONE. Who's talking about forever? I can't even commit to an apartment or a gym for longer than 4 months. Part of me can see myself with D, forever. Part of me can't. THEN I decided to stop worrying and quit caring. To take each day as it is and whatever happens, happens. Is D my Mr. Big? Will we go off on our seperate ways and be together in the end? I don't know. And frankly, it's not my place or time to worry. I'm young, single and fabulous. I guess it just sort of hurt hearing him say that. Well, it didn't really hurt. I actually cracked up in laughter. That's the LAST thing on my mind.

-l

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It’s 2am and I'm cursing your name
I’m so in love that I acted insane
And that’s the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It’s a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that’s the way I loved you

sex&&the.city

I'm on a sex and the city kick. Here's a few of my favorite quotes::

maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed

maybe they just need to run free til they

find someone just as wild to run with them.

i revealed too much too soon

...i was emotionally slutty.

I wanted a man who'd commit, not a man who was committed. Apparently we have to be more specific.

No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.

Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.

After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh.

I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

::leah::

PS

RYAN IS ON TOUR!
Too bad, the closest place to us is Chicago... May 3rd.. Oh, that's less than a month away + it's on a Sunday night. [road trip?] WHY RYAN? WHY? I am going to send them an email and say, double you, tee, eff? Sad face. =(
My heart breaks a little everytime I see him, because I love hiM!! Love love lvelevoevpeoveoljakljdlfkajsflksdajf.
kkbye

"Cause I'm looking at your picture

Cause it's all I've got

Maybe one day you and me will have

One more shot"

~photo

and I'm back.. on facebook!! OK I am done deactivating and reactivating!!!

Oh so I went to Britney Spears on friday night and hmmm. she's amazing!!

Umm, I started my new job today. Same department, same supervisor, just got a promotion, new job responsibilites..yay!

I didn't see Blue Shirt Boy in the caf today. I did see another very cute man, but he was married. Bummer.

Well since I'm on my lunch break, I should get back to eating and then working! The morning has flown by. :)

lovelove<3

I am so hot and cold. I deactivated facebook again :( this time, not going back. Oh crazy leah, what are we going to do?

Really, Mother Nature?

April 1st. Snow. Really? I just want to see the sunshine, and wear sunglasses while driving with the window open. Is that *so* much to ask for? Arrrghhh. It's been a long and cold, cold winter. Ready for the Spring. ASAP. Then Summer. Then Fall! Ahh, Fall!!!!

My new kitty is so silly and crazy. Last night, he destroyed 3 rolls of toilet paper. He has seperation anxiety. His sistercat was in the bathroom with Jen (she likes to look at herself in the mirror [the cat, not my roomie]) and I was at the gym. Luckily, Jen cleaned it up but she said they were shredded in the downstairs bathroom! Ohhh, little jack. So silly. Also, he is not a graceful cat. Guess he gets that from me. You know how when you're holding a cat in your arms and they want to jump down? Well, on many occasions, he will jump down [he's not too cuddly. and he's very emotional.] and not land on his feet. In fact, I don't think that he's ever landed on his feet. He lands on his side. Ohhh Jack, what are we are going to do with you?

Oh last night I worked out and it was very intense! I was there for an hour and a half! I drove allllll the way to lifetime and forgot my headphones for my ipod. WEll, I cannot workout with music, how boring! I love to rock out to a little K clarkson and mr ryan cabrera... So I went back home, got those, went all the way back and it was worth it. There are also very cute boys that I enjoy watching work out. Boys. Oh boys! :)

~L

PS didn't make it far without facebook. one week + one day. Oh well. I was bored at home and myspace sorta sucks, so I logged back in. I have no self control. Facebook is good. :)

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that it's happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

~meredith grey [grey's anatomy]

he's just NOT that into you.

Yep. This is where the story ends! Hmm. During this trying and 'soul searching' period of my life, I have come across a revelation; an epiphany, if you will. With some help from a nice little book, I know, that if someone isn't making an effort, they're not into you. I'm done wasting my time trying to date someone who is wasting my time because they don't want to date me but have no balls to say, I don't want to date you anymore. Maybe I am just over reacting because I am a very over analytical and emotional person, but maybe I should just listen to my gut. Only time will tell.

Cut your losses and don't waste your time . Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it? Fine. Here's the answer you're looking for, "Hang in there, baby. He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication, you can have him!" But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship.
-He's Just Not That Into You

-L

PS: I am no longer on Facebook (I know, right?) so my real friends [my 2 that read this ;)] will have to contact me in real life! lovelove

Sunday Funday

This Sunday, March 15th, will be a fabulous day! Alyssa, Meggers and I have a whole fab day planned! We are going to lunch at Olive Garden, followed by an adventure at Caribou where we can burn Ryan Cabrera onto my laptop! Yayyy!!

Dane!!

I am going to see Dane Cook, comedian extraordinaire, on June 13th, 2009.

I am sooooo excited! I am mildly obsessed with Mr. Cook.

Wooooo!!!!

Shattered.

I have gone back and forth and back and forth over how I feel about this. School. I know I hate it. It sucks. I hate sitting through night class after sitting at work all day. I bailed this semester. I dropped all 12 credits. I feel like a failure. The more I think about and the more I talk it through in my mind, I think it's OK. It's not something I'm proud of. For some reason, this semester has been really tough. I don't want to make excuses or try and justify anything but between working and breaking up, and moving...not to mention how I try and take everyone else's lives and fix them and take on that stress, it's been a lot. There are days where it takes everything to get out of bed. Days where I'd much rather not get up, shower, get ready for the day. And there are more of those days lately than normal. I'm still happy and smiling on the outside, but on the inside, I'm going nuts. I'm always anxious and overanalyzing every tiny detail of my life. I feel like a failure at 21, not done with (or really even close to) being done with school. I just want it all over. I just want it to be easy. I hate having to work for everything I have. I like having a safe and secure and job but I hate sitting in a cube all day. I have having to budget each paycheck for every single expense in my life. I am being really negative right now. I have many things to be grateful for my in life. I have a safe job, safe car, a great roof over my head. I have a family that loves me. I have wonderful friends who don't judge my mistakes. I know everyone has their ups and downs, but when does it get to be too much? When do you feel so overwhelmed and overloaded that you're at your breaking point? How do you overcome these feelings? I try to do it own my own. I try to wake and say, "today will be a good day". I turn on good music on the way to work, and I start to feel better. It's when I start thinking that I start going crazy.

Back to the school thing. I felt so overwhelmed. If I put my mind to it, I can do it. I had no motiviation. I started off strong but once the end of January, probably 2-3 weeks into the semester, hit, it was like there is nothing there. Even though I know how important it is for my finish school and how much I desire to have a degree, I couldn't get through it. I got lazy. Maybe it's because four years of a mediocre education has paid off for nothing. My 3rd time taking Comp I and I couldn't do it. Why can't I write a 2 page descriptive essay? There is nothing there; there is nothing inside my head. I sit down to write it and I can't. I am blank. I start typing. I type a page or two. I read it and I delete it.

My Grandma would tell me I need to suck it up and do it. She would tell me I have to work hard for what I have and that life isn't easy. She'd tell me that I have to deal the with the cards I have dealt. I know if I told her about dropping my entire courseload, she would be disappointed in me. I am disappointed in me. I know I have to get through this. This happens to me once every few years. This year, I can't just let it all go like I have in the past. I can't just up and leave my high school and move in with my grandma. I can't just cry for a few days in my room with my granny consoling me. I am an adult. I have responsibilities. If I hid out like I wanted to, I'd end up homeless. I'd be in a box on the corner somewhere.

Don't worry, I am not dying my hair black and cutting my wrists. I am just feeling...low...lately. I know it will pass. I need Spring. I need the sun. I need to open my windows and feel the breeze in the air, blowing into my bedroom. I need to stop trying to fix everyone else lives and worry about my own. I need to not worry about tomorrow, and take each day as it is. As far as school, I can re-take one of my classes this summer, online and the other one, Comp I, I will take in the Fall with the same teacher. The 3rd class, Project Management, I won't be re-enrolling in now. It doesn't go towards my major and was sort of an extra 'fun' class. It was a great class and I loved it but, right now is not that time for that. Right now, I need to focus on me.

-L

Lent

Today is Ash Wednesday. I am meeting Grandma at a church downtown here for noon mass to get my ashes. I asked her, "Grandma, do I have to wear my ashes around on my forehead all day?" [not because I am embarrassed or ashamed but because I am a huge clutz and will probably wipe my forehead with the back of my palm and get it all over my work clothes!] and she responded with, "Sweetie, it nothing to be ashamed about". Obviously I am not ashamed to wear my ashes on my head.

But, at the age of 21, I am not sure that I even know why I am doing that? I made a decision to go to church today, and to make a commitment to myself to attend mass more frequently. I miss mass. It is beautiful. I love it. I love the time to reflect. I feel like there are so many things I just don't KNOW in this world. Why do we wear ashes on Ash Wednesday? Why did the Nazi's kill the Jews? I never learned this stuff. I am happy to say I know exactly why we 'give something up' for Lent. Not because it's 'cool' or 'fun' but because Jesus [another thing I don't "know": why sometimes is he God and other times Jesus? I thought Jesus was the son of God? But they're the same? So I know that JESUS gave up his life for us, he sat at the right hand of the FATHER who I presume is GOD. Oh man!] gave up his life for us. So we can give up something for a measley 40 days.

This year for lent, I am not giving up something tangible. I am giving up neediness. Neediness. I actually was going to give up pop, but that is so cliche and thought I'd try to quit smoking...then I saw an article on Oprah.com about giving up neediness for lent. I liked that idea. I am very needy. I have an addictive personality and I get hooked way too quick on people/things. So, for the next 40 days, I am going to make an effort to enjoy ME--to not care about having a date on Friday night with a [very nice, sweet & cute] boy. I am excited and anxious. I am ready to take each day and OWN it. For each day to be MINE. I know that I can do it. I can break my bad habit of being needy and co-dependent.

L*

Some people are settling down

some are settling

and some people refuse to settle for anything less

than ::butterflies::

FML

Maybe it's the weather, or the change in seasons coming soon, but I have *no* motivation.

I am taking 3 classes this semester and I literally have no desire to do my homework. They are interesting classes: Comp 1 [easy], Theatre and finally Project Management [love this one]. Maybe it's just the week--it's been a busy week with moving, unpacking, painting....maybe it's the weather...I am not sure. How do I make myself do something. Last night, I worked out at the gym, went home and ate dinner, watched Grey's, took a shower and had myself all set up to sit and read for like an hour before bed. I couldn't do it. I had the text in front of me but just thought, ughhhh....

I mean obviously I know that everyone doesn't LOVE school...but I totally dispise it right now. Last night before bed, my last thought was, I want to drop my classes this semester. Then I told myself, just sleep it off...just sleep it off...you'll be fine the morning. Well, funny thing is, this morning, that's the FIRST thing I thought of. I thought about if I just dropped these dumb classes then I could just take it easy til the fall and not have to worry about anything. Well, obviously, I need these classes to graduate and get my degree. I need my degree to get somewhere in life. I just don't wanna. I don't wanna do it.

I need motivation. I need *something*. I need something to keep me going, and right now, I don't feel like I have anything.

I am one who always rushes into things and has no patience. I want instant gratification. all the time. If I say to myself, I want to drop my classes, for example, I want to do it ASAP. I don't want to wait around. Well, I am going to wait around on it. I am going to force myself to finish what needs to be done this weekend...I have to finish a paper/start a new one...do a discussion online..start working on my project for project management...laundry...go to Gustavus to see Ella's play...

OK I'm going to get a campfire mocha....

-lmz

Cats...

We all love cats, a lot, but....


St. Anthony, MN - Animal Humane Society officials have rescued 118 cats from a St. Anthony mobile home where the smell was so bad they had to call in the fire department to ventilate the home.
Armed with nets and wearing protective masks, a rescue crew worked for nearly two hours to gather up the cats Tuesday. Police were called after someone complained about the smell.
Police Chief John Ohl says the couple who lived there are nice people but had issues with hoarding.
Animal control officers say they removed 72 cats from the couple's previous home in Coon Rapids in 2002.

[http://wcco.com/pets/cats.rescued.home.2.932206.html]

118 cats!!! Can you imagine??!! My gosh!! Jen and I are very excited to get a couple cats - two at the most! Poor kitties =[ We thought about going to the shelter and rescuing them. Maybe if we all pitch in we could find a home for all of them? What do we think? Yes? Aww... Hopefully they don't kill the poor kitties! It's not their fault! How do you even GET that many cats? 118. Wow. How do you FEED that many cats....I just can't get over it. Oh, Coon Rapids. You never cease to fail me!

~l

The weekend!

My roomie and me ~ Halloween 2Oo8


Last weekend was a good weekend! On Friday night, Jen and I saw "he's just not that into you", it was really cute. We went to Champp's in Woodbury for some yummy fries and seasoned sour cream and pasta! I moved one box into my new place. I am going over tonight with my [infinite amounts of] laundry and a couple more boxes!

Saturday I ran errands. I went bed shopping which, by the way, sucks. Beds are so expensive! I cannot believe it. I had a nice date on Saturday night. I went to the Bulldog, a nice beer bar in Lowertown, DT STP on Mear's Park, with my date, and we met up with my friend Tracy and Tracy's friend Matt. It was a lot of fun, until I had a tiny sip of Patron and vomited in the bathroom. Gross. I hate tequila.

Sunday was very lazy, mostly because of the fact I was extremely hungover. I cured it with a lunch date at the Wild Onion for build your own bloody mary! So fun! =] I did homework the rest of the day and laid pretty low!

Back to work..blahh!!

leah

For Alyssa and Meggers!!!!!

A photo can say a thousand things
But it cant say the million things i wanna say
A photo can capture the way we were

But it cant capture the way we are

Cause you're far away

When you told me that you loved me

Were those just words?

You cant tell me you dont need me

And i know that hurts

Cause im looking at your picture

Cause its all i've got

Maybe one day you and me will have

One more shot

RYAN. He's KING of the PUNS! Hahah :)

PS This was hands down THE best day of MY LIFE (June 2008)

PPS: I feel 40 kinds of sadness when you're gone.

I feel the same thing always happens when you're gone

And I know you're just around the corner

But just around the corner is not enough

It's not enough

apprehensive.

I am going to see a movie tonight wtih my new roomie, Jen! I am very excited. We're going to see "he's just not that into you". I read the book. It was okay. It is sort of true but it's also common sense, you know? If someone doesn't like you they're not going to call you. If they're not INTO you, then they why would they make an effort? I am curious to see the movie. Besides, Jennifer Aniston is in it and I have a massive girl crush on her! But along those lines, I feel like I haven't really had to deal with any stuff like that yet. I haven't had to "play the game". I am not good at it. If I like someone, I want to talk to them. I want to dive in, head first. I have a major problem with instant gratification. When I want something, I want it right now. No waiting. No patience. I don't want to wait around for 3 days for someone to call me, wondering, "does he like me?". Stupid. I hate it. With that said, I don't want to mess up. I would hate to lose something by making stupid mistakes, like being annoying or a creeper (which I am for sure a pro at).

When I think back on my relationships, the two sorta serious ones, there was no 'dating'. There was no 'game playing'. Unfortunately, it's been with people who are similar to me in that they want something right away and so do I. Two people who want something right away and BAM.

The reason I am writing this blog is sort of about love. Next week is Valentine's Day [It's also Kelly and Tracy's Bday!]. I am lucky because as of now, I have a date! Yay! Two, actually! Kelly and I are having breakfast for her birthday. I have my evening plans, too. I am moving during the day. I guess I just sometimes question the audacity of the male gender. I think that if someone [a man] isn't interested in you, say it. If you don't like someone, don't break it to them gently. It's a hard world. If you're in a pretty serious relationship and then you wake up one day and decide you don't love them anymore, don't lead them on.

I guess I'm not really one to talk. It's not that easy. I know that. I wish it were. I went back and read some of these blogs and, wow. "David and I are broken up", "David and I back together". We would break up. I'd crawl back. Same story for months. Since May of 2008. I am glad it's finally over. I have been happier in the past few weeks than I have in a long time. I am getting ready for this new phase in my life. I am moving to a new city with a new friend. It's almost like whitney on the city, except instead of moving to NYC to pursue my fashion dreams I am moving to Woodbury to get out of the city for a while :)

Alright, time for the weekend!

m.i.a.

Sorry, I have been M.I.A. from my blog lately. The only person that reads is Jacquie, and I feel like I should just call her and give her the juicy details of my life ;)

I do see that a couple of my good friends from Forest Lake [Alyssa & Meagan] are signing up for a blogspot. I would be curious to read their blogs and see what they're blogging about.

Soooo....to get caught up from 12/08 to now:

• David and I broke up, for good. Totally over. That was January 12th. I have spoken to him once. At first I was sad. I was distrought and confused. Now, I am better. I am hurt. But, everything happens for a reason. I lived, and I learned.
• I am moving to Woodbury next week...moving in with my friend Jen, in a townhouse, and I am super excited. I am moving on the 13th of February. [fun fact! I have lived in four places in 12 months: w/crazy Sarah, David's, Grandma's & my grand ave place! Apparently I love to move. Not really. I just have major commitment problems. I have also been a member at 4 gyms in 12 months. YMCA downtown, YWCA on the Hill, Bally's and now Lifetime. Again with the commitment. I know how to work contracts, I guess!]
• I am pretty busy with school this semester as I'm taking three classes. I am doing two online classes-Intro to Theatre and Project Management, and one night class, Composition 1. I HATE Comp 1. Why is the english language so hard? Why is this my 3rd time taking this class?! AhhH!!
• I am *sort of* "dating" someone right now....taking it slow and keeping it on the DL because I am not sure a) what I'm ready for, b) how long it will last c)don't want to get my hopes up and get dumped on the ground, BUT I will say, he's great :) I guess I am not sure if we're "dating" but we have our 3rd date this weekend.
• Work is good. Same old, same old..I guess I am glad that given this "economy" that I have a safe and secure, good paying job.
• I found a new love: coffee. Specifically lite white berry with a shot of raspberry...it is a very expensive drug habit. But I love it. Oh and my blackberry. Obsessed. Greatest thing EVER invented.

That is really it......I will try to blog more but I jsut have nothing exciting to write about!!

Waiting for spring!!!

*L