if it's a broken heart then face it.

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling on your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
And everything will be fine
Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
And everything

Everything will be fine
Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling
Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing
Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way


Wish List

Someday, when I'm a grown up and can justify spending over $1,000 for a pair of [amazing and beautiful] pumps, $1,000 for a handbag, etc, these are things that are the *first* on my list:

Christian Louboutin Pumps

Marc by Marc Jacobs (I'll have to be REAL fancy to afford a Marc Jacobs bag!!)

Ahh...dreams!! ;)


Oliver Richard Widme

Oliver & Grandma Linda---11/10/2008

Leah and Baby Oliver---11/10/2008

One of my good friends from high school, Aislinn, had a little baby boy on Sunday at 11:43am! His name is Oliver Richard Widme. Aislinn and Paul are very excited for him. He is very cute. He weighed a healthy 7lbs 8oz and was 19.5" long!

Welcome to the world, Baby Oliver!!



Meet Me in Saint Louis

I took a road trip this weekend to Saint Louis with Ella, Taweh and Jerrell. It was fun!! We stayed in a hotel about 20 mins outside of downtown Saint Louis. We left St Paul around 6pm on Friday, arrvied in Saint Louis at 5am (I KNOW!) on Saturday. We slept til about 10am, had breakfast, got ready, went downtown and spent a while at the Arch. We had lunch downtown in the 'older' district at Show Me's (basically Hooters). We bummed around a little bit, went to Walgreen's where we told by a police officer to get out of that neighborhood since it wasn't 'the best'. We went back to the hotel, enjoyed the free drinks @ the bar and played pool. The original plan was to go back downtown and go the bar or club, but after realizing a) no one wanted be sober cab and b) the cab would be $35 each way (about $20/person, total) we decided to lay low at the hotel and watch movies and go to bed early, as we had a long drive in front of us the next day. We left Saint Louis around 9am and arrived back in Saint Paul around 7:30, including 2 stops for food, one stop in Mankato to bring Jerrell home, stop in Saint Peter so Ella could get her school books, and then to Saint Paul. I'd do it again in a heartbeat!!


November, already?!

Happy Belated Halloween! Here are a couple photos..

Me, Tracy, Jen and Demetri, Securian Associates!! 11/1/08

Jen and Me, @ Tracy's Party 11/1/08


Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess..

I feel as though I have been blessed in that I have not had to deal with a major tragedy at this time in my life [well I suppose this is relative, meaning, what may not be a tragedy to me, someone else close to me may have thought it was 'tragic'. Or if I am being a drama queen, I could classify something as tragic...] I also feel like thinking, and writing, my thoughts will cause my to jinx myself. I guess the reason this comes up is that I think everyone has their own battles. While in my family I haven't had to deal with a sick family member, we've had our battles. But it's always in the back of my mind: when does it all come crashing down? Will I be so unfortunate that everything "bad" will happen at once? This is my fear. How will I maintain a balance?

Does this make me a pessimist? I always have thought I was more of a half-glass-empty-kind of person...I also believe that if I believe that I'm a half-glass-empty person I will BE that person. That's called the self-fulling prophecy, where if you BELIEVE something long enough, that's what happens. Just like if you're really crabby or sad, if you smile, the endorphins get sent to you brain to think you're happy, so then you actually do feel happy. Did that make sense? It did to me.

I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed and overloaded. This weekend should help with that. I may go out tonight to 'celebrate' Halloween, AKA go out with the girls, just an excuse to put on a really short skirt and low shirt with hooker boots and call it an outfit. Saturday evening David and I (don't ask) are going to Harlow's (grandma's boyfriend) Halloween party and we're dressing as Clark Kent and Lois Lane. Cute <3.>

Lunchtime now.


Romeo, save me,
they're trying to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story, baby, just say yes



I'm beginning to feel a mental breakdown coming on. I feel so overloaded. Classes are really busy, work is really busy, and everyone seems to need support. I'm happy to give support but I wonder where I'll turn when I need it?

Stay tuned...




Here are some photos from Gooseberry from a couple weekends ago. The fall colors were so beautiful.

Me, Kylee and Kelly


it's too late for you and your white horse

So Duluth was fun. Crazy, but fun. We had at Gooseberry on Saturday. It was beautiful. Kelly's boyfriend is great, we really liked him.

OK, really busy at work. AhhH!!!


One of those...

I turned on the Christmas music today at work, my favorite. The only thing is that it makes me realize how much I hate the holiday season....With it just around the corner, I am not exactly looking forward to it. Last year at this time, I was getting ready to move out...David and I were off again/on again (typical for that relationship). I just know when this season comes around, I want a boyfriend. I guess I wouldn't say boyfriend as much as I start to feel really..needy. Maybe it's because of my family 'situation' (which I really wouldn't justify as a situation, per say), and the fact that a) we're not really that close and b)the holidays are usually more depressing being around them then they are happy...

I am going to Duluth this weekend. I'm taking the Greyhound (aka Kelly Schmitz express bus) on Friday night. Saturday will be spent at Gooseberry Falls, followed by a night 'on the town', aka at Grandma's Bar & Saloon. I am hoping CJ (Crazy Joey) doesn't hunt me down, and I am going to be sure not to let him find out I'm in town. Which may be difficult. Sunday will just be relaxed, recovering from the night before. I get to meet my E, who is Kelly's BF (his name is Erik but he's always been referred to as E by us girlies, so there it is!). Kelly is one of my best friends, and I have yet to met her significant other! And it's been since this summer, too!! So I am going to be sure to put on my nice girl pants and try to not make him think I'm a creeper, which I actually am, Haha.

This week is going to be busy...I have a mid term tomorrow night for communications...I haven't studied yet, so I will have to do that tonight..I have to clean my place, it's pretty messy. Thursday I have to do homework for science so I don't fall too far behind...Next Monday will be spent at the library finishing my science work which is due on Tuesday the 21st at midnight.

Back to life in general, now that I am really, actually single, I am feeling good about it. I am having a hard time adjusting to not having someone to call to go out for a quick bite, or to a movie, or for a walk..but I think in time I'll get use to the solidarity. As much as I hate to say, because I pride myself on being independent and thinking for and doing everything for myself (which could be, and has been, interpreted as selfish) I think I have attachment issues. As I get older, I realize that I am needy. I am always wanting to have someone, particularily a boyfriend, around. I started dating Joey in Feb 2005. We broke up in October of 2006, a week later I started dating David, and we broke up (for good) in the end of September/early October 2008. We're looking at 3+ years in a relationship here...That's a lot to go from having to having nothing. It's easy for me to 'do my thing': go to work, go home, study, go out with girls on the weekend, but the hard part is not having just one person who I know cares, who I know wants to know what's going on in my life...I think no matter how I try to fill it, no matter who (in terms of men) I allow into my life, I feel jaded. So, for this time, in my life, I am going to embrace the fact I'm not tied down; the fact I don't have anyone to answer to. I'm young, I'm single, I'm more happy than not. And because I'm holding out for the one. I am not going to settle just anyone. I will not crawl back to the one I thought was the one, but was to naive and weak to ever leave.


And I don't need you
And guess what
I'm havin more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright
I'm just fine
And you're a tool so
So what


new tattoo (?)

I really want another tattoo....I have an idea of what I what I just don't know where I want it. I was thinking the chinese symbol for independence, and on the back of my neck, or on my wrist. Or else I want a meaningful quote or something. I just haven't found a quote that is so meaninful I want it on my body forever. Maybe, live laugh love, or no regrets, or something. Ideas? Help help! I will for sure go to Randall at Visual Addiction, cause he's hottttt.

Rascal Flatts was..OK. Taylor Swift was AWESOME, I love her. My favorite song is for sure "Picture to Burn" --> "Cause I hate that stupid old pick up truck you never let me drive, you're a redneck heartbreak who's really bad at lying. So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time. As far as I'm concerned you're just another picture to burn."

everything will change, but *love* remains the same.


under your stars forever...

the best reason for living alone and not having to answer to anyone: being able to go out at 10pm with NO QUESTIONS asked. =)

Last night I practiced wii bowling with Jen and Demetri. We're having a tournament @ work in the end of october so I need to work on my skills, since the winner gets amazing seats to a wild game! I learned that Wii bowling is way better with a vodka cranberry. What's better after a VC than a Gin and Tonic? My favorite drink EVER. Long story short: bedtime @ 4am, up all night talking and making new friends (not with J & D!) and still feeling those last few g&t's in at 6am! ;) Only cause it's Friday am I making it through the day!

Rascal Flatts/Taylor Swift concert tonight!! JASON MRAZ ON NOVEMBER 20TH! =)

life is good.


Dont let your life wrap up around you
Dont forget to call, whenever
Ill be here just waiting for you
Ill be under your stars forever
Neither here nor there just right beside you



Yum! I love skittles. I'm obsessed. Except when I put like 6 in my mouth and my phone @ work rings and I have to answer it!! Red ones are the best.

I just moved into my little place on Grand and I'm so in love with it. I love being alone, and not having to answer to anyone. The location is perfect-close to work, close to the bar, close to food, and shops. I love it. Tonight I have a lot of homework to do. I have to go on a nature walk. I am kind of excited about it because I get to check out my neighborhood more.

Only an hour left of work, thank god.

PS I know this is boring but I have nothing good to say!!!!



OK SO Big news! Moving out on October 1st! Although I am very excited, I have many other emotions going on as well! Well first let me explain: I found an ad for the top level of a house for rent. I went and checked it out, and it's really nice. It's on Grand Avenue, near downtown, but also close to Dale St, so close to the good parts of Grand (aka the bars). The house is beautiful! I have the 3rd level which includes my own bathroom, a bedroom and a big living area. I have a shared kitchen, which is a really nice kitchen. The woman who lives there is nice, and it's just her, her daughters are there every other week. So it is a good step before next summer when I'll hopefully move into my *own* place. I think I'm feeling nervous about whole finances thing. I know I can it, that's not my concern, it's just that I've never really had such a big bill before!! I know I'll be OK, like I said, I am probably just freaking out and over analyzing! *sigh*

Happy hour in an hour for work! Wahooo! I love being 21! =)


Happy Birthday to Me!

I had my 21st birthday on Monday! I went out to lunch with David at W.A. Frost's and didn't even get carded when I ordered a mimosa!! Then I went out to downtown MPLS with a group of girls. We enjoyed a nice dinner at Zelo, and went to a couple bars downtown then headed over to Grand Ave area.



Girl you got me going
Yeah I think you know it
Oh I'm ready for this ride
So come on take my hand
Cuz only you, you understand
How to kick this feeling into
Drive all night with me
Sing my favorite song and sleep
Under the stars on the hood of our car
It's all I've ever wanted
All I ever wanted was to
See you in the pale moon light
Just the way ya look tonight
And maybe some day
If love comes our way
We'll be walking in the meadow in the early spring
You'll be twirling in a sundress wearing my ring
Can you see it
Girl I believe em that
It's true
All I ever wanted
All I ever really wanted was you
If life is what you make it
Here's my chance ill take it
You know I wanna make you mine
I have this picture in my mind
You were in it all the time
So baby hold on tight
And drive all night with me
Sing my favorite song and sleep
Under the stars on the hood of our car
It's all I've ever wanted
All I ever wanted was to
See you in the pale moon light
Just the way ya look tonight
And maybe some day
If love comes our way
We'll be walking in the meadow in the early spring
You'll be twirling in a sundress wearing my ring
Can you see it
Girl I believe em that
It's true
All I ever wanted
All I ever really wanted was you
All I ever wanted
Was to see you in the pale moon light
Just the way ya look tonight
And maybe some day
If love comes our way
We'll be walking in the meadow in the early spring
You'll be twirling in a sundress wearing my ring
Can you see it
Girl I believe em that
It's true
All I ever wanted
All I ever really wanted was you


it's simple.

"I'm someone who is looking for love.
Real love.
can't-live-without-each-other love."
~Carrie Bradshaw



Girl you're beautiful
You're 'bout near perfect
But I bet somebody's already told you that
Name your poison
Name your passion
Cause a boy like me just couldn't help but ask
Keep on talking to me baby
I'm hanging on your every word
Keep those drinks a coming maybe
We'll both get what we deserve

How 'bout baby
We make a promise
To not promise anything more than one night
Complicated situations
Only get worse in the morning light
Hey I'm just lookin' for a good time

Put in a long hard week doing this 9 to 5
And you're just the girl to get that off my mind
You shouldn't 've worn that dress
You shouldn't dance like that
You got this little heart of mine in overdrive
I sure love this conversation
The band is good, the music's loud
But would you get the wrong impression
If I called us a cab right now

How 'bout baby
We make a promise
To not promise anything more than one night
Complicated situations
Only get worse in the morning light
Hey I'm just lookin' for a good time

Go ahead and lie to me and pull me close
Tell me that you love me even if you don't
The rule is don't you ever even talk about forever
But you never say never in life

Hey I'm just lookin' for a good time


I love my lifeeee!!!! =P



So I broke up with David one week ago yesterday. The first week was going OK. Now it's starting to get worse. I try to keep myself busy, really busy. I've been going to the gym faithfully every night. I've been reading different books, getting together with old friends. But for some reason, it's always in the back of head that breaking up with him was wrong of me. I feel like I'm missing something...I am sure this something normal that everyone goes through when they break up. I didn't expect to be HAPPY but also didn't expect to be so..sad..I mean I know I did the right thing, that's not the problem. It's just the fact that I am spending my weekends totally and completely alone. It's not having my best friend, and I know being friends just isn't an option. I am really hoping that I can continue to grieve the loss of a friend, and a special relationship while continuing to go on with my life.

On a lighter note, spin class kicked my ass last night. I seriously was sweating so much I felt like I just took a shower [kind of gross, but good, those are all calories burned!!]. I am looking forward to this weekend. I wish the mechanic would call me back, I want him to look at my car, and I want to get it fixed. Grandma said he's probably on vacation or something. I am going to be hanging out with Logan one day, taking him to get a haircut and probably buying him some new shoes & clothes for school. I also am getting very excited for my classes to start. I know I'll be saying I hate them in about a month.

OH YEAH it's almost my 21st b-day!! Yayyy!

OK, back to work.


The last time I saw him, we packed up my things
And he smiled like the first time he told me his name
And we cried with each other
We split the blame for the parts that we couldn’t change
Pictures, dishes and socks
It's our whole life down to one box
There he was waving goodbye on the front porch alone

...But I was already gone

"already gone" by Sugarland



Kelly on the phone with the power company (we lost power)..& Harry the hampster!

Last weekend, I went to Duluth. It was a lot of fun! I visited my friend, Kelly. I'll put up some pics!

lift bridge in Duluth

Kel & the boys, walking down the pier.



grandma's flowers::6.17.2008

I'm ready.

I'm ready for the next step. I'm ready for this. As I was laying in bed last night, I got excited thinking about all the things I'm going to do. Spending time with myself. Not answering to anyone. Going to the gym when I'm bored. Buying a new shirt, just because. Yes, I'll be sad, possibly devastated, but honestly, that's so much better than the way I was feeling before. I ready to stop feeling like a basketcase, and start feeling in control, of everything, my life, my emotions, my finances. A grown up. That's how I feel. I don't feel like a child. I won't feel like a child anymore.

& I'm ready for that. So, so...ready.

//it's not always rainbows && butterflies::it's compromise that moves us along\\


isn't it ironic?

when i was dating crazy joey, one of the main reasons i wanted to break up was because of his family. they hated me, we couldn't have a conversation and they acted like children. That made it a lot easier to break up with him, there was no emotional attachment, in fact, they had me running for the hills.

now, as i find myself on a break [again] from david, all i keep thinking about is his family, and that i keep wanting to hang onto HIM because his family is, in a word, amazing. Since i've met them, i've been treated as one of them. i have never felt awkward, i'm always invited to dinner and am more than willing to help whenever it's needed. I look up to his mom, on a personal and professional level. and not only his immediate family, but his extended family, too. grandparents, cousins, 2nd cousins...i find it all ironic. how in one situation, someone's family can cause you to run, and in another, it's what's keeping you there.

as for my own family, i mean, we're close, but not horribly. i guess i can attribute that to a few reasons. for one, there's my dad. i mean, i know his name, and his e-mail address, but beyond that, i don't know anything. i never have. that's kind of a reason i'm afraid to start another relationship [although that's a total backburner thought] because honestly, i think i'm ashamed. ashamed of the fact i don't have a relationship with my father, that i'm a bastard child. growing up i've always known it was not a big deal but as i become an adult, i always wonder, why doesn't my dad want to know me? i'm his offspring, right? how can you live your life not wanting to know about that person? just knowing they exsist and what they do isn't enough for me. i'd want to KNOW the person. you know, the good stuff. i guess i'll probably always hold that resentment, that now that i'm adult, it seems to me that they'd want not know me. guess not. oh well.

as i told a friend, i need to 'put on my big girl pants' and get over it, and move on. i love david-i always will-but i'm sick of fighting every time we're together, of feeling like i'm walking on eggshells, constantly, and everything i do is wrong. i'm sick of being treated like a child. so, i'm moving on.

i joined a new gym. i'm hoping to go 3-4 times a week, do a few cycling classes, maybe some yoga. i'm re-doing my room at my grandma's. i'm reading a few good books, and am determined to finish sex and the city [on the 2nd disc of season 6]. i deleted all and any phone numbers related to david from my cell phone and directory at work.

the funny thing is, we're not even broken up. we're 'on a break'. what does that mean, anyway? i mean i'm the one who initiated it so you think i'd know what it meant? to me, it means, i don't want to hear from or see YOU for 3 weeks. And then when 3 weeks is up, if i've found i can't live without you, we go from there. i'm too young to be worried about the rest of my life. i need to live for each day. i'm not looking for a new boyfriend, i'm not even looking for a date. i'm looking for myself, i want to find MYSELF, and i want to do it alone. without the judgement of another person.


"I'm someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." -carrie bradshaw


The World's Shortest Fairy Tale


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said: 'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping,
dancing, camping, drank wine, always had a clean house, never had
to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get
fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all
the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched
sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had
high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in
sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

The End


Refreshing, relaxing & amazing!

I got back yesterday from my week long vacation. It was so, so, so AMAZING. It went SO fast, though! David and I went to his parent's cabin. We arrived on Monday morning, well around lunch time. We went into Rice Lake (nearby town) and had lunch. We went to Herberger's and Menard's, too. David and his mom had golf lessons in Spooner on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I went golfing on Tuesday. I wasn't too good. Wednesday I was alone at
the cabin, and that was nice. I got up and had breakfast with Dave and Betty and then after they left took a nap til noon with Chester! I went to the driving range, hit some balls. Just relaxed. There was a bear who came to visit us...that was really scary. And a racoon in the boat. I didn't like him too much. David and I were going to go to Prop's, a restaurant on the other end of the lake, but we (I) was too scared to ride in the boat with the racoon stuck in the storage area! So we put the boat back and

drove to Pine Ridge, a nice restaurant on Lake Sissabagama, about 10 mins away. I had baked ziti, Dave had a bunch of fish..oysters? No, Escargot..and scallops. It was yummy! It was amazing. I finished one book (I brought 4!!) called "Good in Bed' by Jennifer Weiner, I recommened it! Also I just started reading "True Believer" by Nicholas Sparks and I will probably finish it tonight!! I'd love to write more but I haven't been at work for a week, so I need to get back to
work! Gotta love PAID time off!!

I don't want to get up baby let's turn off the phone
I don't want to go to work today or even put my make-up on
I got better things to do than my to do list anyway
hide under the covers and waste away the day
let's just lay here and be lazy, baby drive me crazy


Catchin' Up!

I haven't written in a while, so, here goes nothing!

Work is same old, same old. Sucks sitting in a cube all day when it's so, so nice out like it has been the past week or so but it's fine. I enjoy the weekends more.

I've read a lot of good books the past few weeks since school's been out. I miss school!! I can't WAIT for my classes this fall, I'm so excited! Well, more for communications than science, but whatever. It has to get done!

I don't know anything else....



Friday night
I'm going nowhere
All the lights are changing green to red
Turning over TV stations
Situations running through my head
Well looking back through time
You know it's clear that I've been blind
I've been a fool
To ever open up my heart
To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule

Saturday I'm running wild
And all the lights are changing red to green
Moving through the crowd I'm pushing
Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream
Only wish that you were here
You know I'm seeing it so clear
I've been afraid
To tell you how I really feel
Admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made

If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Babylon, Babylon

Sunday all the lights of London
Shining , Sky is fading red to blue
I'm kicking through the Autumn leaves
And wondering where it is you might be going to
Turning back for home
You know I'm feeling so alone
I can't believe
Climbing on the stair
I turn around to see you smiling there
In front of me

If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Babylon, Babylon, Babylon



It's probably still best that we're broken up, but I think there are going to be stages I have to through before I am fully healed. The first I feel like is anger. I was very angry regarding the whole situation. The lies, the deceit. I was mad. And that is what made it easy to be gone. And now I'm starting to feel the second stage, which is...I can't quite pinpoint the emotion...I'm sad, but I wouldn't call it 'sad' because I know that I am doing the right thing. I think maybe it's the letting go stage? Letting go of everything, the fact I won't be spending the summer at the lake with his family, the fact we won't be sitting out on the boat every weekend and spending Sunday golfing together. I have to try to remember the anger and the hurt, the bad things, to keep me from going back. I haven't talked to David since Monday. It doesn't seem like that long but each day drags on. I feel like each day is better than the last, but inside I know I'm not OK. But I know I don't want to go back to that. I can't. I can't be made to feel like I'm a basketcase with no control of my emotions. I haven't even begun to THINK about how I'll spend the rest of the summer at Grandma's...doing nothing each night expect walking around Como and reading a book. Maybe that's relaxing, though. Maybe I can spend more time with me...maybe I can spend more time not being dependent on someone else. That's what I can try. I need to stay positive. It's hard, I'll admit that, and I think today's really the first day I'm feeling vunerable. I'm feeling like I'm ready to give in at any minute, and that's not OK.



There's gone for good, and there's good and gone
And there's gone with the long before it
I wish she'd been just a little more clear.
Well, there's gone for the day and gone for the night
And gone for the rest of your dog-gone life.
Is it a whiskey night, or just a couple beers?I
mean what kinda' gone are we talkin' 'bout here?


I looked at your face
I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time
I saw that you couldn't care less about what you do
You couldn't care less about the lies
You couldn't find the time to cry
We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us
Now our love's floating out the window
Our love's floating out the back door
Our love's floating up in the sky
In heaven, where it began
Back in God's hands
You said that you had said all that you had to say
You say 'baby, it's the end of the day'We gave a lot but it wasn't enough
We got so tired that we just gave up
Now our love's floating out the window
Our love's floating out the back door
Our love's floating up in the sky
In heaven, where it began
Back in God's hands, back in God's hands
We didn't respect it
We went and neglect it
We didn't deserve it
But I never expected this
Our love floated out the window
Our love floated out the back door
Our love floated up in the sky
To heaven, it's part of a plan
It's back in God's hands, back in God's hands
Oh, we didn't last, it's a thing of the past
No we didn't understand just what we had



I hate St. Kate's. That school SUCKS. They won't release my transcript unitl I don't owe them anything anymore. Keep in mind I'm PAYING them every month until November!!! SO I can't transfer in the fall, I have to stick out one more semester at St Paul College. And Ihate that. It makes me so upset. All of the classes I want to take, they aren't offered @ night. SO, when am I supposed to go to class? At 2pm on Thursday??? I WISH!! But I can't.

We didn't get the apartment. I was pretty bummed out. There is another really nice one on the same block, it's alot nicer inside than this, granite countertops, dishwasher, washer, dryer..but it's $1,000/month. We can afford that. We can't come up with $1,000 for the deposit. And then pay rent for two places for the month of June. It's too much. It sucks.

I had a job interview yesterday. It's here @ Securian. In the Claims department, a claims examiner. The interview went well, I would like the job a lot, it seems like something I'd be really good at. But, there are 8 other internal applicants. So, that pretty much leaves me at the bottom, with the least experience, yada yada. Oh well. Looks like I'm stuck =(

I am feeling a little like negative nancy. I am just pissed. Why can't things just be easy. Why can't Metro State admit me without my grades from st kate's because they are shitty anyways and I don't really want to transfer those credits, because the grades are so fucking bad. Ugh...>!>>!>>!>!



The Most Perfect Apartment in the Entire World...

...And I can't let it slip away!!!!

David and I have been looking at apartments lately and we're looking for at least a 1 bedroom, under $1,000 a month in our neighborhood, preferably more than 800 sq feet....and we looked at a couple really nice ones, but they were smaller than ours right now and $200/month more! So, I was browsing craigslist yesterday and happened to see a 1BR off Laurel & Dale-across the street from a school and baseball field, in an old brownstone building. Get this. Dishwasher. In Unit Washer and Dryer. 1100 square feet. LESS THAN WE'RE PAYING NOW! Umm..why you may ask? Because it's been on the market for almost 2 years and hasn't sold. So, as of June 1 it's coming off the market and going up for rent. So I have been emailing the current owner who needs to rent it out and we're going look on Friday night. The bad thing is that David can't get out of his lease until July 1, 2008. The good news is that I can afford this place on my own for a month...What I want to do is go in there tomorrow, hand her $1,200 for deposit + 1st month rent and sign a lease. It's so perfect. I can't believe it. This NEEDS to work out, it just has to. We haven't come across anything this perfect yet, and we are most definetley needing space to move. This place is a 1br, 1 bath but has a living room, informal dining room and formal dining room. And a fireplace. And it's in a brownstone. Hello?! What do I need to do to get this place!! I am sure it's going to rented really soon, and I don't want that. I can't let this slip away. I think I'll cry. Oh man...How am I going to pull this off?! Ahh!!!!!!!!




It's amazing what a difference one person can make. Let's just say the past two days a certain someone @ work hasn't been here. O.M.G. life is so much better. Not only the peace and quiet and no b*tching from this person, but no drama. My day goes by SO much faster, and I feel like I'm DOING a better job. Is that horrible? I really don't think so. Umm...life..what's new..Ooo..I got my car back. Since David's working in Mendota Heights at the Country Club he needs it, not exactly a hop skip and bus ride away. Granted it's only like 6 miles, at the most, but yeah. I love Trixie. No problems so far!! She's running really smooth!!! It would be a really easy bike ride, down the hill over the high bridge to Dodd Road and then that all the way there. But, as previously stated in my blog the weather has been anything but cooperative (snow this weekend. Seriously?!?). Let's see...school. I have been slacking and I will admit that. I have an Ethics paper due Monday by 11pm as well as an exam for Nutrition open Monday from 6am-Midnight. Options: get up early and do my exam before work, go to work til2:30 go to the dentist for my final installment of my tooth and a new filling OR go to work like I normally do and go to the dentist for above mentioned work then go home home and do my test...Hmm. My paper will be written this weekend so I don't have to do it on Monday. My very intellectual and intelligent boyfriend will be assisting me with my Ethics paper. I am not as 'worldly' as he is, if that's the right word. He's just, smart. Really smart. SO he's helping me. Maintains both our sanity levels :) Hum de do...David and I have been going to Spin class. An intense workout that, when combined with good eating habits and other weight training will help me lose and maintain my goal weight, which of course I haven't been even trying to obtain. I am having a hardcore chocolate craving and it's probably the PMS (yes, I just put all that out there, Eeekk!). I am just dyyyyyingggg for a pint of Green and Blacks Organic Bittersweet Chocolate ice cream....mmmmm...I am going to Google it...OK, really I'm going to go back to 'work'. Adios



I hate slush.

I can handle the snow. I like to bundle up and go for a nice walk around the Hill in the winter. I like to go snowmobiling, sledding and cross country skiing at the lake. But I hate this. I dispise this nasty weather! It's not sunny, it's freezing cold and the snow looks like crap. I can't wait for summer. I am SO excited for my nice long walks around the Hill, when David and I walk down to Grand Ave, go to Grand Ole Creamery..it is so much fun. I love summer. Boating, skiing, tubing, tanning, a nice cold Leinie's Summer Shandy on the lake. Ahh...I am ready for that :)




So I went to the dentist on Wednesday and they finished up the root canal. It was horrible. I was out of work Thursday and am barely making it through today. It hurts so bad. I was sick to my stomach yesterday from the pain meds and not eating food. I haven't eaten since Wednesday...except the applesauce I'm eating now. It sucks. I hate this =(



The root canal was fine, fyi, for anyone concerned. I lived through it.

I hate men. Why are they so immature and lazy? That's the question of the day. I could keep rambling but it really doesn't matter and it really is not interesting.



I'm alive! My root canal was just fine. That's just lovely.

Yay for the weekend =P



Root Canal

I'm getting a root canal in the morning. I am nervous =(

I'll be hoped on pain killers all day Thursday, though, so that makes up for it. Sort of.

Wish me luck.



I want to run away

How nice does it sound to pack up everything and just leave. California sounds the best. San Francisco to be exact. Someday...

I hate being stressed out. I guess the only thing I'm stressed about now is this damn tooth. I need a root canal (and I've needed a root canal since December but I've failed to set aside any funds for this). Yesterday I was munching on pecans when I bit down in the wrong place and broke my f*cking tooth. Ouch. It hurt. The worst part is that it is constantly grinding against my tounge and unfortunately, my job requires me to talk for almost 8 hrs a day. So, needless to say, by the end of the day I've had just about enough. Anyways, I'm going in for a root canal on Thursday. Should be funnnn....Not.


Winter Blues

Why oh why won't winter go away? I hate it! It's sooo cold out. Well, I guess it's warmer today than it's been.

Since moving out of crazy lady's apartment, I am so much less stressed. It's amazing. I love it.

You know, I hate when grown women act like children. That seriously pisses me off. Today, while discussing the weekend and what we did, with another co-worker, I mentioned that I bought my brother, Justin, an iPod shuffle, and she comments back with "are you the parent?", SERIOUSLY. Why I let that get to me really pisses me off. I try to keep my personal life separate from my work life, I try hard. I don't come to work and b*tch about all my homework or talk about things going in my life. Why would you jump to the conclusion that I have to be the parent to buy my brother a gift? Is it my insecurity that is allowing it to get to me? Well, I responded with "No, I'm not. It's a gift" and proceeded to do my work. I don't need to justify spending $52.96 (with tax) on my brother to anyone. That was my choice. I bought it for him because I know how much he loves music. He uses it almost as therapy when he gets real stressed out, just like I do. I know how nice it is to just put on my headphones and go for a walk and listen to music. And Justin is the same way. SO I had mentioned to him if he stayed out of trouble and had some good behaviors I'd get him one. Well actually, Mom asked if I'd go in on it, and I said no, I couldn't afford it. Then I thought about it and a few days later I decided I would, only to find out that Mom already sent Justin a gift card for $30 instead of that. SO, I thought the right thing was to afford it. And I did. And he was happy, he enjoyed it. The look on his face when he opened it up, and we uploaded songs was priceless. If him having music can change him from getting upset at another kid at his house, then so be it. Isn't that better than beating a kid up? Although it's never okay to beat a kid up, I feel the same way sometimes. When grown ups act like children, and I don't have any other option because I'm stuck to my desk until 5:30pm, I chose to blog. And get it off my chest so that I'm not holding it all in.

So, I got a C+ on my Ethics paper...I know that sounds like it's "okay" but it's a little sad, but I'm NOT proud or happy. I had one week to write a paper, and I waited until about 4 hours before it was due. Ridiculous. I suppose it's good I at least got 78% considering it is 25% of my grade...Anyways, next time I'll have to do better. I have a nutrition test to take tonight. I have my book here to study @ lunch and on my break...I'm getting like 115% in that class now because of extra credit, which is always good.

Anyways, I got to vent. Feels better. Back to work. Is it Friday yet? Nope, still Monday. Great. =)




Sunset @ the Lake. I love it. Can't wait for summer!!
I had the morning off today. That was nice. I planned it yesterday, since I knew I'd be up late writing my paper, and then stressing out about it. I really didn't do well. I need to start WAY before it's due next time. Definatley not the night before. Real smart, Leah. So, I slept in. Until 10am. And puttsed around. David and I had brunch at Bon Vie. And then we went to the bakery and got some baked goods. And then...I got on the bus and came to work. Fun.

Tonight I'm going to the gym and eating dinner and then cleaning before turning in early.

I have tons of work to do today. Hmm. Better get going.

PS It's really freaking cold out. I wish it'd get warmer. It's seriously cold out. Brr.




I moved out on Saturday. I got lucky and my roommate released me from the lease without even having a new roommate. I am excited. I am happy. I was more than willing to be patient and wait, but she didn't want to. I guess I am that bad! Geesh! Yay! *happy dance*

Anyway, I have an ethics paper due tonight by 11pm..and I have barely started. I'm so screwed. And the worse part is that it's 25% of my grade...ughhh.....

Back to work =)


Ranting & Raving

I am not crabby today. I am not upset. I am excited, excited to move out, excited for spring, excited to go back to my normal life. It's not that bad. My life is not that bad. I am okay. There are people out there who are upset and pissed off about the same things. They hate the situation they're in, but they're not in an hurry to change them. So you hate your job...change it. Yes, it's not that easy, but it can be done. I don't know how many times I have heard you bitching and complaining that you hate your job, and you have two degrees you should be more successful...what else....you shouldn't be living in an apartment with someone else and your cats, you should have a home and be more successful. Do you hate the fact that you're a grown adult and you make less money than a young adult? Most people do, or would. Don't take it out on that person. There are plenty of adults out there who make less money than someone else, or don't own a home or don't have children. It's not all about money, you know that right? Don't take pride in yourself to be so great when you're not. This is harsh and mean of me. I've heard I'm considered immature and irresponsible, just a few of the adjectives used to describe me. You know what, no matter what you say, you're not going to change me. Actually, it's pretty funny that you would. You have no power over me. You don't have power over everyone, you know that right? I consider myself to be pretty damn mature, and very responsible. But this blog is not to boost me. This blog is written with hopes that the person can realize their own faults before jumping down every other person's throat. You can't change the world until you're satifsfied with yourself or with your own life. So take my advice. Chill out a little bit. Quit trying to be so perfect. You are a lovely human being with a kind heart. Don't try to be someone you're not. And don't take your faults out on someone else. I can't wait until I do not have to think about you anymore. The day I am done with you, there will be a nice e-mail in your inbox stating all the things you do that are horrible, and how you can change them...change them so that you have friends, or maybe a boyfriend, or HEY maybe you'll get married someday? Ha. Right.




Call me mushy or old fashioned, but I've been thinking about "love" lately. What is love? Well I could recite the line from Corinthians..but I won't. Love is...happiness. Love is buying your girlfriend Midol at a gas station where it's only guys your age working (right Nat?), love is buying your broke girlfriend designer sunglasses, or going extremely out of your way to personally deliver her FAVORITE flower on the cheesiest day ever (Valentine's Day, totally overrated Hallmark holiday). Love is listening to your significant other, letting them cry when their emotions get the best of them. Love is just hugging them and saying "it's okay" and then if you're my boyfriend you say "Ok get over it" and you know that's his way of wanting you to quit pouting and come play a damn game or watch a movie. The best kind of love is the kind when you're just being lazy, doing nothing special, but you're still not bored. You have some world issue to debate about, or a small issue, like why the toilet seat should be left down. The best feeling is that look you get when you've just woken up. The one that's saying "wow" just by his eyes. That is my kind of love. Love is taking your kitties for walks..and yes, they walk. Around the block. Down the street. They're amazing cats. Love is driving 45 minutes to pick up your boyfriend from work because his ride left early. Love is just hanging out. I'm not even talking about boyfriend/girlfriend love. I mean friendship love. The kind where you can just sit on the couch and talk for hours, or one of the first few times you met someone and feeling like you've been friends forever, no matter what separates you. What happened to that kind of love? I love love. The good kind. The kind that my favorite singer croons about-the "you're everything" kind of love. It is those little moments when you realize you have to cherish that person, and their every quirk or their every flaw. Not even the bad stuff, either. Cherish the good stuff. The sexiest smile out there, the clearest blue eyes you've ever seen...When you know your life is not the same without that one simple person in it...that is love. True love. The love where you can't WAIT to be with that person for the rest of your life. You know they're it. And they know you're it. You're just waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect time to announce it to the world. Love. Ahh, I love love.

Well, it's a marvelous night for a Moondance
With the stars up above in your eyes
A fantabulous night to make romance
'Neath the cover of October skies
And all the leaves on the trees are falling
To the sound of the breezes that blow
And I'm trying to please to the calling
Of your heart-strings that play soft and low
And all the night's magic seems to whisper and hush
And all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush

Can I just have one more Moondance with you, my love
Can I just make some more romance with you, my love



Did anyone see the eclipse last night? I didn't. It was too freaking cold out! Instead, I watched it on the news. That was fine. When I was leaving work I did see the big huge moon, that was cool!

I'm moving out of my apartment. If you wish to know further details as to why, please contact me, and I'll be happy to explain. It's not fair for me to throw it all over the internet as to why I am moving out. I will be moving back in with David for a little bit. I am just taking it day by day. I kind of want to live alone. When I originally moved out of David's I was counting on being 'more independant' and 'responsible' but unfortunatley that did not happen. Again, for reasons not to be discussed on my blog. I may look into getting my own one bedroom apartment. I am not sure I want to though. There are a few reasons. I don't have furniture. Why waste money on a couch...and living room stuff, and not to mention kitchen stuff, because again, I have nothing. To me it'd be a waste of time. It probably would be a waste of money, as well. 1 bedrooms are pretty expensive. So, tenativley I'll be moving back with David. We may look into getting a bigger apartment. His is pretty small. It's not so much small as between the two of us we have a lot of stuff. So, I am excited for that. So much for getting away..haha. I will miss Highland...oh well it will be worth it, I love the Hill way more than Highland. Plus I'm happier when I'm at David's. And I get to see my kitties. It's just simple. I should have never moved out in the first place. Especially with a total stranger. Not a good idea. I don't recommened it.

School...is going well. I dropped one class. Three was way too many. I am just taking two now, and hopefully I'll be able to focus better without being preoccupied by having to write my opinions of jazz history in APA style. Ridic.

I am going to the lake this weekend. I am so excited. We're going to go snowmobiling, and go to Duffy's (a cute little bar on the lake). Not to mention I get to see Chester (David's parent's new dog). He's adorable. Back to work =P


can i just have one more moondance with you, my love?
can i just make some more romance with you, my love?


My thoughts for today.

I am not a bad person. I am sick of being subjected to feel like I'm a bad person. People make mistakes, maybe someone tells someone else something that this someone doesn't want to hear. Maybe said person is jealous. Maybe said person is letting too much little shit get to them. Who cares if I make more money than you? Who cares that my company gives more money for profit sharing than yours? How does that affect you? How can you be so concerned about what goes on in someone else's life? Especially when that person has no special relationship to you? That person is not your best friend, in your family or even close to being related to you. Why do you let what that person does piss you off? Why do you let that person's life get to you? These are the questions that are perplexing my mind. I don't understand, not one bit. I will admit that I was probably rude in sharing my company's profit sharing rates, which, is public knowledge and something my company takes pride in offering to their associates. I will admit I make pretty damn good money for a 20 year old. But I will not allow myself to feel BAD for that. I am not competing with anyone but myself. I am determined and I am smart. I do not blame the fact that I have a full time job and am a full time student on anyone else. I knew I had to make a pro-active choice to improve my life. I did not want to scrape up pennies and dimes for food and gas. And that's fine! That's my choice. I could be doing the '20 year old thing', going to school part time, working 12 hours a week at the mall and scraping up money. But I'm not. And I enjoy it. I enjoy having money to pay my daunting credit card bills, or to enjoy going out to eat with my boyfriend. I enjoy being able to spend $100 at Target on clothes or new things for myself. And I wouldn't be able to do that, not even close, if I didn't make these life choices. Yes, every now again (actually every Monday morning) I miss having my first class at 10am and being done by 5pm. I miss drinking with the girls on Monday nights and spending all of the next day recovering. I know I will succeed. Every day I try to better myself by taking pride in my career. This is my choice to work full time. And that's fine. Because it's the best option of all my choices. I will not let anyone bring me down. I do not think said person is a bad person, not at all, not even close. I think said person is smart, outgoing, courageous, knowledgeable and unique. I think said person and I could be great friends. But said person gets to me. And I let said person get to me. And I play said person's mental mind games. I am the who decides to let this person piss me off. But, I like said person. And I am playing this person's games, you see? I am letting their insecurities and faults get to me, and piss me off. I am taking whatever this person says to heart and allowing it to bother me. And that is all me. Me deciding to do that. So, I am wrong. I was wrong. But said person needs to not care about me, or what I do. I am not said person's girlfriend or significant other. You pride yourself on being so giving and thoughtful of others. You try so hard to please everyone. And from an outsider's point of view, you're the one stressing yourself out about other people's problems. And I don't want a fight or an argument. It's not worth the time for either of us. We both have better things to do than sit and worry about what the other one is thinking or what the other person's life problems are, and that's the cold, hard truth. Maybe I've been a little blunt or a little straight forward. The fact of the matter is that I don't have the balls to actually say anything to your face because I am intimidated by you. I am scared of your words and reactions. So I choose to express my feelings in a blog that you may or may not have accesss to. And if you're reading this, fine. I hope you understand that I don't hate you. I am not trying to be mean to you, or have an attitude towards you. I am not a mean person. I am not a bad person. Maybe I'm selfless. Maybe I'm immature and maybe I'm irresponsible. I'd like to think no one thinks of me as none of the above. But if they do, that's their perogitive. I am going to whole heartedly try to look past the miscommuncations between us because I do not want to let little things you say bother me the way I do. Maybe it's because I am emotional person and no matter who it is, if it's someone I don't know, says something bad about me, I take it to heart. I try to not care about what others think or let it roll off of my shoulders, but it's incredibly difficult. Please don't cop an attitude and pull the 'the whole world is out to get me' card. It's not that bad, hun. Move on.

....and the work is piled on my desk and I'm out of here in 15 minutes...Craptastic! Looks like I'm working late tonight! Oh well. That's life . I decided to vent my stresses out instead of work. That is my problem and I am not blaming that on anyone else.


When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me


Unneccesary Stress

I take everyone else stress to be my own. That is my problem. I am so concerned with everyone else being happy and satisfied that I forget my own life and try to fix everyone and everything else. SO, that's what I will be working on. Hmm..nothing really to blog about. How about this weather?! I hate it. It sucks. I also hate school. School sucks. I hate these stupid classes and Jazz History will be my death. Call me negative Nancy...I have been sick for like 3 days..I am starting to feel better but I am sure that the Chipotle I am allowing myself to have tonight will make me feel better.



Happy 2008! (A little belated!)

Here's a belated Happy New Year! I am hoping for a great year in 2008. I can't imagine it'd be a bad year, but ya never know. My semester ended well, a B in both classes! My classes start next week, but this time they're all online. I'm taking Ethics, Jazz History and Nutrition. Sounds exciting, right? I just can't wait until I can take my classes for my major. Those classes will be like, "Communicating Between Genders", "Marketing 101"...Ahh, I love those ones!!

I've gotten assigned a few different projects at work so I'm kind of busy!

OH By the way, my roomie is doing the Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk, if anyone is interested in donating, let me know, I can give you her website for it.