3.09.2009

Shattered.

I have gone back and forth and back and forth over how I feel about this. School. I know I hate it. It sucks. I hate sitting through night class after sitting at work all day. I bailed this semester. I dropped all 12 credits. I feel like a failure. The more I think about and the more I talk it through in my mind, I think it's OK. It's not something I'm proud of. For some reason, this semester has been really tough. I don't want to make excuses or try and justify anything but between working and breaking up, and moving...not to mention how I try and take everyone else's lives and fix them and take on that stress, it's been a lot. There are days where it takes everything to get out of bed. Days where I'd much rather not get up, shower, get ready for the day. And there are more of those days lately than normal. I'm still happy and smiling on the outside, but on the inside, I'm going nuts. I'm always anxious and overanalyzing every tiny detail of my life. I feel like a failure at 21, not done with (or really even close to) being done with school. I just want it all over. I just want it to be easy. I hate having to work for everything I have. I like having a safe and secure and job but I hate sitting in a cube all day. I have having to budget each paycheck for every single expense in my life. I am being really negative right now. I have many things to be grateful for my in life. I have a safe job, safe car, a great roof over my head. I have a family that loves me. I have wonderful friends who don't judge my mistakes. I know everyone has their ups and downs, but when does it get to be too much? When do you feel so overwhelmed and overloaded that you're at your breaking point? How do you overcome these feelings? I try to do it own my own. I try to wake and say, "today will be a good day". I turn on good music on the way to work, and I start to feel better. It's when I start thinking that I start going crazy.

Back to the school thing. I felt so overwhelmed. If I put my mind to it, I can do it. I had no motiviation. I started off strong but once the end of January, probably 2-3 weeks into the semester, hit, it was like there is nothing there. Even though I know how important it is for my finish school and how much I desire to have a degree, I couldn't get through it. I got lazy. Maybe it's because four years of a mediocre education has paid off for nothing. My 3rd time taking Comp I and I couldn't do it. Why can't I write a 2 page descriptive essay? There is nothing there; there is nothing inside my head. I sit down to write it and I can't. I am blank. I start typing. I type a page or two. I read it and I delete it.

My Grandma would tell me I need to suck it up and do it. She would tell me I have to work hard for what I have and that life isn't easy. She'd tell me that I have to deal the with the cards I have dealt. I know if I told her about dropping my entire courseload, she would be disappointed in me. I am disappointed in me. I know I have to get through this. This happens to me once every few years. This year, I can't just let it all go like I have in the past. I can't just up and leave my high school and move in with my grandma. I can't just cry for a few days in my room with my granny consoling me. I am an adult. I have responsibilities. If I hid out like I wanted to, I'd end up homeless. I'd be in a box on the corner somewhere.

Don't worry, I am not dying my hair black and cutting my wrists. I am just feeling...low...lately. I know it will pass. I need Spring. I need the sun. I need to open my windows and feel the breeze in the air, blowing into my bedroom. I need to stop trying to fix everyone else lives and worry about my own. I need to not worry about tomorrow, and take each day as it is. As far as school, I can re-take one of my classes this summer, online and the other one, Comp I, I will take in the Fall with the same teacher. The 3rd class, Project Management, I won't be re-enrolling in now. It doesn't go towards my major and was sort of an extra 'fun' class. It was a great class and I loved it but, right now is not that time for that. Right now, I need to focus on me.

-L

1 comment:

Jacqueline said...

Cheer up kid! I'm rooting for you!