...but I never asked.

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by
You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast
I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your dellusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe...



Fear of Commitment, part II.

I just wrote a pretty deep and personal (for me) blog about Corey and his fear of commitment.

After I posted, I got to thinking about how much Corey reminds me of Chandler Bing.

Friends is probably my #1 favorite show, right up there with Sex and the City. Chandler, because his parents are divorced and seeing Ross and Rachel's turbulent relationship, is scared of commitment.

In this clip we see Chandler early on, before him and Monica fall in love. Chandler is dating Janice (Oh. My. Gawd.) and can't seem to commit.

So there we have it, people. Corey has actually always reminded me of Chandler. And it's good to joke around a little more with the whole situation.

And now, I'm off to class... ughhhh..


Fear of Commitment

What does it mean to have a fear of commitment? It is rooted in fear - fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. Commitment phobia is the "technical" term for someone who is scared to commit. Someone might be scared to commit for many reasons: fear of the unknown, fear of being with one person, fear of self-actualization and that something will actually work. When do you stop making excuses for someone who is scared to commit and go on with your life?

Someone who has a fear of commitment can talk the talk, but not walk the walk. He'll make plans for the future and say things like "when we're married" or "when you move in with me" but doesn't follow through. This quote I found exemplifies the exact way this works:
"It's easy to be seduced by pretty words, but unless there's follow-through in the end, you're left with nothing to hold onto but an empty promise." quote found here
I've gone back and forth, racked my brain, given up, been done and gone back with this guy. A simple search of my blog with the tag CH brings up all the posts about him. http://lmz87.blogspot.com/search/label/CH
My realization of the real issue here came to me this morning. After recollecting the events that occured last night, it hit me. He's scared to commit. He likes me - he says he likes me. I believe him.
We made plans to get pizza and have a low-key night. The plans were firmed up in the morning. At 4:30pm I got a text.
"you may not want to see me tonight. I just threw up." him
"that's on you, however you feel." me
"I'll let you know in the next half hour" him
I was pissed, angry, hurt, upset, sad. Mostly sad. I seem to be disappointed by his actions more times than not. I build it up to be something it's not and I'm left sad and heartbroken. But for some reason, I can't quit him. I don't know why.
I call him.
I don't want to waste the next 30 minutes questioning in my head if he actually is sick or if he's making excuses not to see me.
Had a quick convo.
I Said some rude things.
Hung up.
I texted.
"I'm sorry you're not feeling well but actually I rescind my offer for Sunday. i'm done with your excuses and I get that you're not interested. Good luck."
"Ok, but I'd rather be with you than throwing up. Sorry you don't believe me" him
"It isn't that I don't believe you I'm sure you're sick I'm just disappointed I really wanted to see you and have a normal night and I always get disappointed when I let myself get excited about seeing you something falls through. And you always put it on me, it's frusting and I'm sick of being let down."
In the past, when I freak out, he runs. He's gone. But he kept at it...
"How am I putting it on you?"
" "you might not want to see me" I don't care if you're sick I can understand not wanting go out to eat when you don't feel well but it's not like I'm a stranger or someone you've had two dates with. I've known you for over a year I am not scared of you not feeling well. Maybe you could try "why don't you come over here and hang out" would have been good"
After this he suggested that he picks me up from work and we hang out at my apartment. I went back and forth. I wanted to be firm, put my foot down and say NO I am done. But I wanted to see him. I was excited. I LIKE HIM.
{In his defense, he's a good guy. He's cute. He's tall, brown hair, brown eyes, amazing smile. Sense of humor. Great job, great life goals. Great family (from what he says). Can hold a conversation. My only drawback is that he wears cargo khaki's, but mostly just spite me}
He picked me up, told me he wanted to talk to me and it wasn't bad. We picked up pizza to go and went over to my best friend's apartment and we all watched a movie together. After the movie we went to my apartment and he spilled his heart to me. He told me he didn't want to never see me again, and he got that vibe from my texts. He told me he thinks I'm beautiful and amazing, smart and sexy.
I have concluded that it is fear to commit. But, how can you feel this way about someone and not want to "lock it down", seal the deal, etc? That's what I don't get... Maybe I'm just making more excuses than needed but I've researched fear of commitment, how to date someone with this fear and how to get them to open up and overcome their fears.

So for now, I go forward. I am guarded, I am not going to lie. I am numb to him since I haven't really opened up 100%. So what's next...
I'm not sure. I'll try to keep you posted.


Day 09

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I am proud to say that I generally have remained friends with and kept people I've wanted in my life but recently I've drifted from someome I called a best friend for four years... And now it's to the point where, although I haven't made an effort, she hasn't either. I feel like she's so consumed in her life, school and her boyfriend and other friends, that she just doesn't "need" me anymore... And although I could send a text, email, call, facebook etc... I just feel like it's awkward now. We haven't spoken (communicated) since September... and so now what? Ya know? I don't know....


Day 08

I don't really like this question but I figured I'd answer anyway since it is the 30 days of thruth...

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I would say the only thing that sticks out is the horrible memory of being in junior high and having some girls be mean to me for not smoking pot with them! I cried and it was awful, but then again, junior high in general is awful...


Day 07

I haven't done this in a while so I'm behind, hence why I'm playing catch up now


Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

My grandma has made my life worth living. She has picked me up when I fell down. She makes me better. I love Granny.

And Jack, my cat. Obvi.



Day 06

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never to bury a child. I hope I never have to see anyone close to me die in a horrible accident.


Day 5//30 days of truth

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope to do many thinks in my life.
graduate college (2012!)
fall in love. real love.
have a career I love.
Well. I could go on but I'll stop. I really hope to go somewhere international. Like Italy or Greece. Oohh Greece. That'd be nice. Maybe after I find that real love, eh?


What's up? Not much here. Just hanging out. Same old. Math class makes me near suicide. Just throwing that out there.

I will spend my entire weekend doing homework.

OK that's half true. Tomorrow morning I'm going for a long walk and hopefully jog a bit with Jacquie. We're going from our apartment down Summit, Ramsey, Smith and the high bridge and back! It's 5 miles there and back.

Seeing as how I'm doing the Turkey Day 5k in 3 weeks, I need to be able to jog a bit.

I haven't had a cigarette in a while, aren't you proud of me? I mean like 3 weeks. That's kind of a big deal. And when I see someone smoking I actually think it's gross. Nice, eh?

My brother also makes me crazy. I bought some amazing organic delcious heavenly BaNilla yogurt and cherry almond granola and I only got 2 servings.

He ate the rest. He also drank 6 cans of Dr. Pepper within 5 or 6 hours. Spilt Kool-Aid sugar all over my stove. Doesn't replace the toilet paper roll. Lays around my living and does nothing. It makes me sick to my stomach. Gross, right? Yeah. I think so. I'm so over him. He needs to leave.

And after he leaves I'm having two parties.
1. Cleaning party
2. PARTY. Girls party! Wine! Snacks! FUN!

I can't wait.

I will keep you posted on the progress of the great kick the brother out. It has taken me about 2 weeks to muster up the strength to talk to him because whenever I talk to him I break out in uncontrollable crying fits. BUT a nice combination of talk therapy and Zoloft has taken the edge off.

Anyway, I am going to leave work here. Tonight = relaxing with Jacquie and Ella.



PS: don't get me wrong, I love my brother, I really really do. But he's not upholding his end of the bargain of him living with me. I've given him ample amount  of time to get his life together.