baggage and drama.

We all have it. Baggage. You've been left with it from your last relationship. you're holding onto it and just cannot let it go.

Tough shit. Let it go. Because you'll never get anywhere holding onto past relationships. I get it, I've been there. It took me a year to get over my relationship with D, and even after that rocky year, it took time before we were able to get where are now (friends).

In my most recent dating experience, as referenced in an earlier post, dude has major baggage. It came out early on and from there we (I) have decided we'll just be friends. Which is great. But now as friends I get to actually hear about this drama. Holy. Shit! Bitches be crazy! I get that I'm not "in it" but pro tip: either don't let the chick you're trying to bone into such drama OR don't have it. Wipe your hands clean. Move on. She clearly has, and you have to, too. And honestly, dating/sleeping with someone immediately may not be the BEST way to handle it. At least for me, it isn't.

And maybe it's because I've been emotionally unattached for so long (two years), but I don't have pity anymore. I feel bad, and I'm sorry that people have to deal with this but I'm more along the lines of "OK, it's over. It's over. I'll be sad for a while and do what I have to do, but it's done". Again, the next time I get dumped on my ass, I bet I have a different opinion.

The moral of the story is that I wish I would have been completely oblivious to this baggage and drama because then I wouldn't have been friend-zoned. And once you're there... you never come out.

dreams

I want to live in a loft in St. Paul.
With exposed brick. And a cute coffee maker. And my cats.
With Mears Park outside of my windows. And be a regular at the wine bar.
I will walk to work via skyway.
I'll go for runs along the river. And hang out at the coffee shop.
And it will be so perfect.

dating sucks, in a funk and other things.

not to say I've been dating, but I did have a couple dates with a boy man and being the smart and internet sleathly girl I am, it didn't take me long to put a few things together and realize mister mister just got out of a relationship (I seriously didn't do any super intense internet stalking, it was very easy).

I would only come to find through conversation that not only was it quite a fresh break up, and he reassured me I wasn't a rebound, but that he was really, really messed up from this chick. Him and I have continued a friendship and  I've been a sounding board for him to vent. I also want to kick this girl's ass. She's the bitch that makes these dudes so fucked up! I could beat her up, if I had the chance and the right shoes on.

Before I found out how crazy she is, and I (shameful admission here) spent my time "researching" her, I had a full-on mini meltdown. She is SO CUTE. She's this cute little hipster girl that rides a bike and doesn't eat animals. She's gorgeous and creative. And I think, WTF is dude doing being interested in ME? Girl is fucking cute as hell and I'm just, blah. And at that moment I realized I wasn't ready to date, let alone be in a relationship. I'm not normally the girl to intensely compare myself to girlfriends prior, especially so early on in something so undefined.

but, I digress. And dating sucks. maybe it's the holidays, and the weather, and those extra 5 15 pounds that have found their way around my mid-section. I have no desire or motiviation and I'd rather just hang out with my friends. This does lead into said "funk". Just not really feeling into doing things.

this month has been madness. absolutely crazy. using the next two weekends to screw my head back on, reconnect and focus on upcoming month. and it's cold. i hate this! i want to move to California. Sunshine and warmth.

something's missing.

I'm dizzy from the shopping malls

I searched for joy, but I bought it all

It doesn't help the hunger pains

and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing

And I don't know how to fix it

whoa

My first "real" boyfriend, the high school sweetheart, has been married for over a year. We broke up YEARS ago, when I was 19. So that wasn't a big deal.

I was facebook stalking browsing the internet last night and stumbled across this guy I used to date, B. His photo was a wedding picture. I couldn't believe it. Not because I wanted to marry him because frankly, I didn't. He's 10 years older than I am and I was young (21) and it never would have worked. Per my further investigation, they got married in November. She's a beauty.

While I was researching, I thought I'd check in with good old CH. The one that could never commit, the one that inspired so many posts. He's been MIA since our dinner date in October. There's always a reason. In a relationship. The one that couldn't commit. They can commit, just not to you. 

It's just weird I guess. I'm in the mood for angry music and magically losing 75 lbs to be a heartbreaker bombshell.

And is it bad that a little part of me hopes when I have a boyfriend, that a guy I used to date has the same "WTF" moment? It is. I'm awful. And will live forever with my cats.