Positives

It seems as though things are going pretty well for me these days...well the past few days. Well, actually, on side they're going well, on the other, not so much. Let me explain...

David and I are doing really great. He really actually appreciates me being around. I went over Monday after class and he made me dinner, which was so sweet. And the same thing last night! A gourmet dinner last night! Steak and potatoes with carmelized onions-and a really good au jus sauce. I am happy that we're happy. I can't believe it's coming up on 14 months of being together. That's huge for me.

The most exciting thing to happen to me this week would have to be my 6 month performace appraisil at work....I recieved a "successful" rating, which is awesome, and it came with some nice benefits :). At 6 months, associates are expected to considered "developing" but I surpassed that by having an awesome work ethic, doing more than my assigned work and constantly staying busy, among other things. That was very exciting! I am working my way up.

Well...should get back to work :)

lmz

college.

A revelation! I was talking with my boss today about college...and what I am going to do after I am done at St Paul College (coming up really quick-two semesters left!)..Well, I was originally going to go to Metro State and major in Professional Communcations with a concentration in Organizational Communcation, and minor in Advertising...Well, looking at it, Metro is really cheap...and it's a good school, and it's close, but I'll be in school until like 2012 or 2013....it seems like a long time, and maybe I just want instant gratification..but seriously? 6 more years of school? I don't know...granted I will have very few student loans and will probably have an awesome resume and get a KILLER job...I don't know...So my boss brought up Concordia in St Paul..and I was like, mehh...private schools...no. But then I checked out the website....they don't have communcations as a program for the "adult learning programs"...but they do have "Innovation and Marketing Management" as well as "Organizational Leadership and Management" that would interest me and be beneficial in my career path....The program is 18 months, and the classes are about 5-6 weeks long, going all year..ah!! But, my boss, is married and has 5 kids, and she did it. I wonder if it'd work for me? Hmm...I won't be applying until mid to late summer...The application process is different than normal-you submit a resume, and two letters of "professional" recommendation. I like that. $400/credit though...Ah...well, Securian does refund up to $5K of expenses assuming I do well..Life is exciting. I really wanted to do Communcations, I love communcations, and talking, and writing. It's like, the perfect major....I kind of like the leadership one, maybe I could pick up a minor in Comm?? OH OH!! They also have both the programs I like online...I LOVE online classes...I HATE sitting in class...I guess $400/credit isn't bad compared to St. Kate's *$750-800/credit*...but compared to Metro, which is about $180-$200/credit...Would a degree from Concordia be more transferrable than Metro? If I move to Boston, or Sacramento, or Phoenix, or South Carolina, would I get a good job? Metro State is more of a well known local school...is Concordia well known all over? That's the tough thing. I know I want to move away, I know I do. I want to graduate, stay at Securian for a year (so I don't have to pay back the tuition reimbursement) and then find a job out of state and move away for a while.

Meh..

lmz..

Meh..

Well I haven't written in a while, but that's okay. Nothing really new. Hey something REALLY exciting...I got an A on my photo test last night..how that happened, I have NO idea...I honestly read about two sentences from the chapter..Whoa. That's awesome. I'm still getting a low C in that class....I need to pick it up really quick to get it up to a B...Bleh. That's about it.

Happy Turkey Day!

Christmas is overrated.

I like decorating and spending time with my family. I think it's dumb that people spend *so* much money and useless stuff. I don't know, Christmas in my family has always been either really laid back, or really depressing. It's never a big deal. We go to Grandma's, we eat, and we talk. I am still lucky I guess that no one expects me to buy gifts. I mean, I understand the meaning of the gifts but I think some people go overboard, don't you? That's just society. Maybe I'm just bitter....I never really liked the idea of Christmas. I like the "Idea" of it, I mean the reason for it, but I think it's lost it's point. God doesn't want people spending $500 on a 10 year old, wouldn't he rather have that money be spent to do something good? Or something for the good of the whole family?? Oh well. I like Thanksgiving better and I think Christmas should be like that, too...I mean I appreciate a nice little gift for Christmas, don't get me wrong.

Oh well. I'm just bitter about holidays. I was reading my old diary a couple weeks ago that my grandma gave me Xmas of 7th grade, and it was like "I hate christmas. I hate being around my family, they are crazy and we never have fun. I wish I just lived with grandma, I hate my brothers and my mom". *laughing* Kind of funny, I suppose.

Life sure isn't what you think it is. *sigh*.

Still looking forward to Yoga in the AM.

It doesn't show signs of stopping
And I've brought some corn for popping
The lights are turned way down low
Let is snow, let it snow, let it snow

.:stronger:.

I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way



Looking forward to the weekend-Yoga on Saturday AM, friends over Saturday night, relaxing, cleaning, oh and getting our big couch on Friday night =)


lmz

If you just realize...

Take time to realize that your warmth is crashing down on in.
Take time to realize that I am on your side.
Didn't I, didn't I tell you?
But I can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple.
No I can't spell it out for you.
If you just realize what I just realized, then we'd be perfect for eachother, and we'll never find another.
Just realize what I just realized, we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now.

Am I wrong and totally selfish? Because I hate feeling like doing something that I want soo bad is ruining my life and relationship. Apparently I'm selfish for wanting to live on my own when I'm 20...and I should be able to make a relationship work for myself. That's not possible. I am so sick of being emotionally screwed that I could scream and cry. I don't want to feel like I'm doing something wrong, because I'm not. I've already sacrificed part of my life and have given up any kind of social life or freedom to work full time, and it sucks.
I'd rather sleep until 9am and go to class at 10am and working a part time job. But that's not how it works, I can't do that. I mean, I could, but I really don't want to deal with what goes along with it..being broke and living at home. Being told I'm selfish for moving out of my boyfriend's is wrong. For some reason, he's the ONLY one who thinks it's selfish. I get so many people saying "That's awesome, I'm proud of you, good job". But the one person who's supposed to be there says the opposite. Maybe he's the selfish one....I mean, does he think about why I want to move out? Because I can't stand coming to someone laying on the couch, because he makes me sick watching TV all the time, because I can't leave for work crying in the morning because he was crabby and couldn't find his fucking toothbrush or glasses. That is why.
On top of the fact that it's just wrong. I want a 'normal' relationship, and I thought moving out could make it a little better, maybe get it back to how it was the few days I knew him before moving in. But now it's the opposite. I'm now alone. Fine by me. I mean I'm sad, and it sucks, but you know what, I'll be fine. I'm strong. And that's another thing. Sara and I were emailing today and she brought up a good fact. Men can't handle strong women.
They are intimidated by women who are smart and independent and don't need them for every fucking thing. They can't stand feeling inferior. I'm never going to get married. Or have kids (well, that's fine. I don't want any). I'm going to be 35 with a lot of cats and no man. I don't need a man, but...I'd like one. I'd like one who can handle me...and I just don't think it's going to happen. Not holding my breath. Oh well. I'm going to enjoy my youth and not be bitter.
On a brighter note, still doing well in classes-I'm taking 3 next semester, all online. And my brother Justin is going to be moved from Rochester to Minnetonka soon, which is awesome. It will be way easier to be in contact with him a lot more when he's so close.

lmz

All Settled In

Well, I'm all moved into my new apartment! It's great, I love it. Also, I am getting B's in both of my classes. Awesome. I'm proud of myself. Hopefully those get up to A's by then end of the semester-I've got a few more weeks to go! I'm going to get started on my photography project soon and I'm really excited, it should be cool! The only downside is that I have to work on in the morning before work because it might by hard to do at night...Morning, and at lunchtime....when I leave work it's 5:30pm and dark out! I am going to be photographing Rice Park in downtown St Paul, the lights on the trees, the people ice skating..I love it. I haven't written in a while, been too busy moving and stuff. The place will look really good when we're all settled in and I have a bed. Oh well, back to work.

lmz

But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so..