30 Days of Truth :: Day 1

Found this over here: http://www.after-i-do.com/2010/09/30-days-of-truth-day-01.html and thought I'd go for it...

Once a week I'll answer the proposed question or statement truthfully for 30 weeks.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Wow, that's a rough one to start on! There isn't anything specific I hate about myself that isn't something that I can change.... I think the thing I hate most about myself is the fact I have little to no patience. I want instant gratification and want everything done right away! It is a great thing to have professionally, I am always on the go and getting things done right away. But in my personal life, not so much. Forget about dating. It's not even worth it anymore. I have no patience and I want to know "does he like me? where is this going?" and that just doesn't work in the dating world.



My dear sweet Meagan Linn posted this photo that Carrie & I took on Meg's laptop on Shark Week party. I'm glad she found and posted it for us. Love you, Megs!


Secret Single Behavior

After this post, my secret single behavior (SSB) will no longer be so secret!

Secret Single Behavior is behavior in which your significant other is aware of. Generally, you would not want your significant other (SO) becoming aware of SSB for fear of a) judgement b) jealousy c) being dumped.

Now, I've been single for quite some time and have built up my own little hodge podge of SSB's. I don't think I'd share my SSB with my SO until I'm married. That way, they're (legally) stuck. I'd hope that my SO will have his own SSB's that we can do in our respective parts of our home.

So here comes a list of my favorite SSB's, in no particular order {I want to share that I can no longer do a lot of these SSB's, since my 18 year old brother currently lives with me. But oh, I am waiting for the day he moves out} :
Leah's (not so) Secret Single Behaviors
*Stripping down to undies and a tank top, blasting Taylor Swift & doing the dishes
*Same as above, less T. Swift & dishes, plus trashy TV.
*Sleeping for most of the day on the weekend if I don't have homework or major plans
*Reading wedding photographer blogs and looking at all the beautiful photos
*Having a "mental health day" and going to the spa
*Eating an entire sleeve of girl scout cookies
*Talking to and dancing with my cat, Jack
*Shutting my cell phone off and shutting the world out

Do you have any SSB's? What about those in a relationship? If you live with your SO, how do you find time to get in your SSB? 



My Stupid Mouth

{image from http://ilovecharts.tumblr.com/page/2}

Throughout my experience over the past year and half of dating, I've learned quite a few things about myself. One of these things is that I've learned that I tend to put my foot my in mouth. I say things without thinking and have often been referred to as having "no filter". It is interesting because some people have really liked that about me (my friend Kelly's boyfriend thinks it's great and has said that it's definitely something that will help me in my future, especially if I get into advertising as I want to). Other people HATE it. Corey, for example. He told me that one of the reasons he wouldn't be serious with me is because he's scared I'd say something in front of his friends or family without thinking about it and I'd embarrass him.

For a while I was going on a late of first dates - simple coffee dates or maybe a drink here and there. The majority turned into nothing - there was no chemistry. Fine. But I think that I probably did something, said something stupid, made a comment, that deterred the person from wanting to go out again. Since I've learned these lessons, I've decided to be more careful about what I share and what I can save.

And this song is the story of my life:

I also want to share this link... It's my definition on Urban Dictionary of some advice I was given, that I tend to not follow.


My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change


Dear Corey:

image from wehearit.com
Why must you continue to taunt me? You don't want to date me. You're clearly not interested in me. Don't email me. Maybe I should be stronger and not respond to your emails. Maybe I shouldn't initiate and email here and there. I clearly know you're bad news, seeing as how you've strung me along for all these months. Don't call me on my birthday (two times). Don't tell me you're going on a date tonight, because I really don't want to know. And don't tell me that you're not replacing me yet.


I'm a Crocus Hill kind of girl....

I don't know what to do, I mean I know we'll never be together. You're obsessed with crappy suburban towns, "little boxes on the hillside", strip malls, saving money, not going out and having a dry sense of humor. I like the city, and the country, but not a weird combination of the two, old buildings, not having a car, buying Coach purses and $8-per bottle nail polish. I like spending money to get my hair cut and colored versus your idea of just letting it grow until it's unmanageable and disgusting.

...not a little boxes kind of girl.

It's just blatant that nothing would transpire long-term between us. For some reason, I'm still drawn to you. Is it because you're kind of ass? Because you front SO hard, like you're just this heartless man, but I know deep down inside, and you have shown this side to me, that you're sweet and caring.  

But what I ask is that you please, just stop contacting me. And if I fall of the train and contact you, don't respond. Don't feed the fire. Because, for some reason, no matter what you do, how much you tell me nothing will happen, we'll never go anywhere, you add little tricks in there and tell me how beautiful, smart, amazing, funny, cute, sweet, sexy, awesome I am and bring me right back to square 1.




Learning through others

Not only do I like to blog and write about my own dating experiences, but I like writing about other people's as well. Today, as this situation was happening in real-life, I was thinking to myself and recollecting on my own past experiences.

One of the reason I love having such a great group of girlfriends is being able to listen to them and converse with them about their own relationships. As women, we tend to spend time over analyzing a lot of different things regarding relationships. I learn different things from everyone in my life, and I always try to relate that back my own life. Within the past few months, one of my best girlfriends has been quite the busy dating girl. She, at one point, literally had a date every night. Sometimes two in one day. This is what us girls do when we're online dating, and people set us up, and we met cute boys. We go out for coffee to see how we connect.

She had narrowed it down to two guys: R2 & JD. Being very close with her, she has very willingly shared her feelings about each guy. She had been dating R2 for quite bit longer than JD. JD came along and it hit her, like WHAM. You know that feeling? That, WOW you are smoking hot, but also happen to be amazing from what I can tell from the first few dates kind of feeling? My friend had been leaning more towards JD for whatever reason. From what she had told me, she did really like both but when it came down to it, she was more into JD. She made the decision to let R2 know that she just didn't see it going anywhere. Before she had a chance to do this, R2 decided to be ballsy and ask her how she was feeling, he expressed some pretty deep feelings saying he was really into her, he thinks she's amazing and many other nice things.

My friend was thrown off by his email as she wasn't quite expecting that from him. I believe this made her question if she really wanted to let him go. I think her ultimate decision would have been that, bottom line, she didn't feel the 'spark' there like she wanted and although R2 is a really awesome guy, she wasn't going to settle for that just to settle and have a boyfriend. In the midst of her surprise to his e-mail, she got busy, as us girls do. She didn't respond and the next day (24 hours, like clockwork) he sent a follow-up email to which my sweet dear friend called me at work to share with me. She said she felt pressured and that definitely solidified the fact she was going to let him know it wasn't in their best interest to continue dating.

sometimes I just want to squeeze my girlies!

What I see here is that R2 definitely took on the role of the "woman" in the dating game. Many times I've done the "where is this going to go" and never hear anything and follow-up with the person. I can see where I have probably scared a few away by my intensity. Being able to come from the outside-in, I can see my friend's POV and I can know that it's not that she didn't like R2, it's genuinely that she was surprised by his e-mail and probably wanted to spend more time thinking about it. In this situation though, R2 & J have been dating for a few months - I haven't quite made it that far with anyone other than Corey, and we all know how that ended. I love being able to learn through my friends. I love being able to see things they do and put that in my mental box to save for later, or, sometimes, not save! So here's to my friends, they keep me in touch with the dating world, bring me back to reality and I love them! I have the best friends a girl could ask for.


Let's take a break...

Let's take a break from dating, and overanalyzing my life and it's every. single. detail. to relish in some things...

It's Fall in the Twin Cities. My favorite time of the year. Soon the leaves will change; Summit Avenue will be lined with huge trees, the leaves turning yellow, orange and brown; they'll fall the ground and I will go out of my way to step on the extra crunchy looking one.

I love crunchy leaves!

Twin Cities Marathon is coming up. It's a few blocks (two to be exact) away from my apartment. I love the TC Marathon, I love watching and cheering everyone on. I always become inspired to become a runner after. So maybe this will be my extra boost... :)

With the Fall arriving, it's time for the apple orchard. Oh my gosh! I am so excited.

Ella & I made a road trip down to Mankato over the weekend. We actually had a blast together, as we always do. We have friends that are still down there for school at MNSU. We're going again on October 9th for the 2010 Homecoming Football game!

My classes have started. I actually have my first session of math {insert vomit here} tonight... I'll be OK though, I know I will!


Apparently I'm not long-term relationship material

I tried to keep quiet about it over the weekend but when I get really excited about things, I can't hold them in! I ended up having 2 dates with this guy, MT. I had sort of decided I was done dating all together and not making any effort on my online dating. I received a message on Friday and he seemed normal so I asked if he wanted to meet for coffee.

We met for coffee and that turned into going rollerskating with two of his friends! It was a blast! I was so refreshed that a nice, normal guy was around! He dropped me off, gave me a hug and said we'd chat soon. We ended up having a 2nd date on Sunday evening. Again, a great time! More relaxed, dinner, walk and a beer on a patio. We had great conversation and I thought there was a great spark there. We left it that we'd be in touch throughout the week but should go to karaoke on Thursday evening.

I refrained from texting on Monday (didn't want to be annoying. BTW, I hate dating rules) and he ended up texting me! We had a good text convo on Monday night. Tuesday I emailed him. I didn't hear back all day long but I wasn't too concerned since it was after Labor Day, most people are pretty busy. I was CRAZY busy at work that day!

Later in the day I got an e-mail response from him. He said he has spent a lot of time thinking about it and decided he wanted to "expand our friendship". He then proceeded to explain that our distance (30 miles) and the fact I didn't have a car (I'm a city cat!) has led him to this decision. He said he doesn't see a long-term relationship happening with me. He then said he wants me to be his city tour-guide in the future. (You can drive the 20 minutes to STP for me to show you around but you can't drive the 20 minutes to date me?)

It was towards the end of my work day when I got the email. Of course I had gushed to my co-workers about my amazing dates and how I was excited to "not screw this one up". Picture 3 women, hovering over my desk, reading my response, saying "just be friends! He'll fall in love with you!' and my best friend on the phone saying, "Leah! You're the rule! Not the exception! Tough cookies! If he doesn't like me now, he's not going to like you in 6 months!"

I ended up replying that it was fine, thanks for being honest, but if it's OK I'd like to take a couple days and think on it before I decide! Because, here I was, so excited and jazzed up for a nice, normal, TALL, cute, funny, CATHOLIC boy, right?! He texted and said that was fine and he wanted me to know that he thinks I'm really great, awesome, cute, etc. but the whole car thing just makes it seem easier to be friends.

I got to thinking about the whole, "I don't see myself in a long-term relationship" with you. And the last couple of guys I had more than 2 dates with told me the same thing!

Corey: We had our first couple dates in September 2009, got busy and stopped talking, then started again in January. I chose to date Luke (more below) instead after Corey told me he was emotionless & heartless. Corey and I ended up dating from mid-March to mid-August. One night Corey told me that he thinks I'm great, beautiful, smart, funny and amazing BUT... didn't see anything long-term because I am too emotional and I want to make my life in the city (versus he wants the suburbs)

Luke: We dated from late January 2010 through early March 2010. It was good! I was really happy, we were really happy. Out of the blue one night he said he that he was breaking up with me because he couldn't give me what I needed: I needed too much affirmation (he wasn't one to give compliments) and he didn't see anything long-term.

So looking at the track record, I begin to question myself. Apparently I'm not LTR material. But I'm also not short-term relationship material? Or are they saying that because I'm not LTR material, why waste time with a STR?

I suppose I can see where they're coming from. I actually told another guy I spent some time with that I didn't see it going anywhere. Which was 100% true, we didn't really have that much in common and I just didn't get that "spark". I do give MT and Luke props for not dragging it out like Corey did, in the end making the hurt worse. Props to guys that can be real and honest. Thank you those guys that have enough guts to let a girl down gently versus being a complete ass about it. Here it's more of a sting; you get up, dust off, and try again. I fully intend to dust myself off and try again.
this is sort of irrelevant but good, nonetheless.
It's all about the lessons learned. 2010 has been quite the learning year for me. Through all of this I've learned so much about who I am and what I ultimately need in a relationship. For now I'm back to not actively pursuing dating and focusing on all of things I've got going on in my life!

Until next time,