12.28.2010

personal.

my blog is a place that I express innermost feelings. I don't really edit or sensor myself. mostly because a) no one really reads this and b) if they do, they're probably a close friend.

My post below re: over analyzing really got me thinking today (HA!). I needed to jot down some notes and it helped me to map out these issues that are bothering me. I also did some research.

Here it is:

I am over analytical and I have a need for affirmation. The first (being over analytical) stems from using that as a coping mechanism as a child, the desire to "be better" than what I was, I analyzed to protect myself.

The second (need for affirmation) is rooted in low self-esteem, I seek in relationships what I didn't get as a child, i.e. affirmations and compliments. So the question then is how do I solve these?

My notes say:

1. Don't seek out a relationship for the wrong reasons
2. Be less emotional
3. Stop over analyzing.

I was glad to spend the afternoon really digging deep into these two issues that bother me. If I can't deal with them, I'll never be healthy.


What do you do...

...when you're an over analyzer? I over analyze. I pick apart words that are said and drive myself crazy trying to figure out what someone means when they're saying something. Is this rooted in the fact that I've been burned, jaded and hurt? so what are the things I am analyzing? my brain is constantly going 100 miles per minute (or so it seems). I wonder if this guy I had two dates with really wants to have a 3rd date like he says. I wonder if people are using me and have ill intentions.



something else I've noticed about myself, and this has been confirmed in the past. In fact a certain someone broke up with me because of (one of the many reasons) my "need for affirmation" #lame So, I know that I need compliments, I need affirmation from the person I am dating. Should I seek this out elsewhere so it doesn't need to be fulfilled by someone I'm dating?

Is it wrong to seek out affirmation? I don't think I actually SEEK it out. I am generally confident and happy. But, something I ask for in the person I'm dating is that they let me know, with words or actions, that they're into me. Is it too much?

lmz.

12.20.2010

i'm sorry for you, just so you know.

Things with C ended... because as I may or may not have shared, well.. I won't blast it out here but it's over. the truth is... there was nothing to end.

he didn't answer my calls
I went to his house once from a dating period of April through November
he only emailed me from his work email

I should have seen the signs.
I should have quit before I knew I'd be broken.

the bottom line is, I don't know the truth. I don't know the back story. But apparently some girl is "in love" with him.
he led me on.
he lied to me.
he told me beautiful words and tricked me into believing fallacies.

I've been through my fair share of break-ups, really, I have. But for some reason, this one still stings.

I'm hurt. Someone told me they cared for me. Someone told me I was beautiful, amazing, a wonderful woman. I feel betrayed. Lied to. Tricked. Used.

This "ended" almost a month ago. I'm still bitter. I'm sick to my stomach. It brings me to tears. I'm angry. I quite literally want to smack him, kick him and cry in his face.

But I won't. I'm strong. I'm better than that. And I am fine, generally. It is just these randoms pangs of anger and bitterness that take me over.

Because I confronted him. And told him. And asked for an apology. Just a simple, "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Leah. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I led you on. I made a mistake."

I got nothing. nothing. 8 months of "dating"... and nothing?

I suppose I should take that silence and interpret it as him walking away.

Just needed to vent.


oh, and. this sara b song = <3....

say you're sorry









I want the one word that you refuse to say to me
You're so good at giving me responsibility
I wash my hands clean and let you watch me as I go
I'm sorry for you, just so you know


lmz.

12.03.2010

Uffda.

Almost 3 weeks without a post, yeesh. So much in my head and so much going on in my life I just sort of forgot. I said what needed to be said to that jerk face and I'm over it. My heart is protected & I refuse to let someone in just to hurt me again.


Enough of that.


I've been a beast about the gym and I'm proud. I'm in a new relationship with myself. I've been *enjoying* the treadmill and walking and running. I love getting ready and going and feeling great after a work out. I don't want to see this, like I do now...








So, that is good. I guess that's really all.. I should probably work. It's pretty busy & I have a ton to do. Mer.

lmz.



11.22.2010

...but I never asked.




Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by
You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast
I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your dellusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see


You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe...

 




11.11.2010

Fear of Commitment, part II.

I just wrote a pretty deep and personal (for me) blog about Corey and his fear of commitment.

After I posted, I got to thinking about how much Corey reminds me of Chandler Bing.

Friends is probably my #1 favorite show, right up there with Sex and the City. Chandler, because his parents are divorced and seeing Ross and Rachel's turbulent relationship, is scared of commitment.

In this clip we see Chandler early on, before him and Monica fall in love. Chandler is dating Janice (Oh. My. Gawd.) and can't seem to commit.


So there we have it, people. Corey has actually always reminded me of Chandler. And it's good to joke around a little more with the whole situation.

And now, I'm off to class... ughhhh..

lmz


Fear of Commitment

What does it mean to have a fear of commitment? It is rooted in fear - fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. Commitment phobia is the "technical" term for someone who is scared to commit. Someone might be scared to commit for many reasons: fear of the unknown, fear of being with one person, fear of self-actualization and that something will actually work. When do you stop making excuses for someone who is scared to commit and go on with your life?


Someone who has a fear of commitment can talk the talk, but not walk the walk. He'll make plans for the future and say things like "when we're married" or "when you move in with me" but doesn't follow through. This quote I found exemplifies the exact way this works:
"It's easy to be seduced by pretty words, but unless there's follow-through in the end, you're left with nothing to hold onto but an empty promise." quote found here
I've gone back and forth, racked my brain, given up, been done and gone back with this guy. A simple search of my blog with the tag CH brings up all the posts about him. http://lmz87.blogspot.com/search/label/CH
 
My realization of the real issue here came to me this morning. After recollecting the events that occured last night, it hit me. He's scared to commit. He likes me - he says he likes me. I believe him.
 
We made plans to get pizza and have a low-key night. The plans were firmed up in the morning. At 4:30pm I got a text.
"you may not want to see me tonight. I just threw up." him
"that's on you, however you feel." me
"I'll let you know in the next half hour" him
I was pissed, angry, hurt, upset, sad. Mostly sad. I seem to be disappointed by his actions more times than not. I build it up to be something it's not and I'm left sad and heartbroken. But for some reason, I can't quit him. I don't know why.
I call him.
I don't want to waste the next 30 minutes questioning in my head if he actually is sick or if he's making excuses not to see me.
 
Had a quick convo.
Rescheduled.
I Said some rude things.
Hung up.
 
I texted.
 
"I'm sorry you're not feeling well but actually I rescind my offer for Sunday. i'm done with your excuses and I get that you're not interested. Good luck."
"Ok, but I'd rather be with you than throwing up. Sorry you don't believe me" him
"It isn't that I don't believe you I'm sure you're sick I'm just disappointed I really wanted to see you and have a normal night and I always get disappointed when I let myself get excited about seeing you something falls through. And you always put it on me, it's frusting and I'm sick of being let down."
 
In the past, when I freak out, he runs. He's gone. But he kept at it...
 
"How am I putting it on you?"
" "you might not want to see me" I don't care if you're sick I can understand not wanting go out to eat when you don't feel well but it's not like I'm a stranger or someone you've had two dates with. I've known you for over a year I am not scared of you not feeling well. Maybe you could try "why don't you come over here and hang out" would have been good"
 
After this he suggested that he picks me up from work and we hang out at my apartment. I went back and forth. I wanted to be firm, put my foot down and say NO I am done. But I wanted to see him. I was excited. I LIKE HIM.
 
{In his defense, he's a good guy. He's cute. He's tall, brown hair, brown eyes, amazing smile. Sense of humor. Great job, great life goals. Great family (from what he says). Can hold a conversation. My only drawback is that he wears cargo khaki's, but mostly just spite me}
 
He picked me up, told me he wanted to talk to me and it wasn't bad. We picked up pizza to go and went over to my best friend's apartment and we all watched a movie together. After the movie we went to my apartment and he spilled his heart to me. He told me he didn't want to never see me again, and he got that vibe from my texts. He told me he thinks I'm beautiful and amazing, smart and sexy.
 
I have concluded that it is fear to commit. But, how can you feel this way about someone and not want to "lock it down", seal the deal, etc? That's what I don't get... Maybe I'm just making more excuses than needed but I've researched fear of commitment, how to date someone with this fear and how to get them to open up and overcome their fears.


So for now, I go forward. I am guarded, I am not going to lie. I am numb to him since I haven't really opened up 100%. So what's next...
 
I'm not sure. I'll try to keep you posted.
lmz.
 


11.10.2010

Day 09

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I am proud to say that I generally have remained friends with and kept people I've wanted in my life but recently I've drifted from someome I called a best friend for four years... And now it's to the point where, although I haven't made an effort, she hasn't either. I feel like she's so consumed in her life, school and her boyfriend and other friends, that she just doesn't "need" me anymore... And although I could send a text, email, call, facebook etc... I just feel like it's awkward now. We haven't spoken (communicated) since September... and so now what? Ya know? I don't know....

lmz.

Day 08

I don't really like this question but I figured I'd answer anyway since it is the 30 days of thruth...

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I would say the only thing that sticks out is the horrible memory of being in junior high and having some girls be mean to me for not smoking pot with them! I cried and it was awful, but then again, junior high in general is awful...

11.05.2010

Day 07

I haven't done this in a while so I'm behind, hence why I'm playing catch up now

~~~


Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.



 
My grandma has made my life worth living. She has picked me up when I fell down. She makes me better. I love Granny.

And Jack, my cat. Obvi.

lmz


meow


Day 06

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.


I hope I never to bury a child. I hope I never have to see anyone close to me die in a horrible accident.

lmz

Day 5//30 days of truth

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.



I hope to do many thinks in my life.
 
graduate college (2012!)
fall in love. real love.
have a career I love.
 
Well. I could go on but I'll stop. I really hope to go somewhere international. Like Italy or Greece. Oohh Greece. That'd be nice. Maybe after I find that real love, eh?
 
:)
 
lmz

Hi....

What's up? Not much here. Just hanging out. Same old. Math class makes me near suicide. Just throwing that out there.

I will spend my entire weekend doing homework.

OK that's half true. Tomorrow morning I'm going for a long walk and hopefully jog a bit with Jacquie. We're going from our apartment down Summit, Ramsey, Smith and the high bridge and back! It's 5 miles there and back.

Seeing as how I'm doing the Turkey Day 5k in 3 weeks, I need to be able to jog a bit.

I haven't had a cigarette in a while, aren't you proud of me? I mean like 3 weeks. That's kind of a big deal. And when I see someone smoking I actually think it's gross. Nice, eh?

My brother also makes me crazy. I bought some amazing organic delcious heavenly BaNilla yogurt and cherry almond granola and I only got 2 servings.



He ate the rest. He also drank 6 cans of Dr. Pepper within 5 or 6 hours. Spilt Kool-Aid sugar all over my stove. Doesn't replace the toilet paper roll. Lays around my living and does nothing. It makes me sick to my stomach. Gross, right? Yeah. I think so. I'm so over him. He needs to leave.

And after he leaves I'm having two parties.
1. Cleaning party
2. PARTY. Girls party! Wine! Snacks! FUN!

I can't wait.

I will keep you posted on the progress of the great kick the brother out. It has taken me about 2 weeks to muster up the strength to talk to him because whenever I talk to him I break out in uncontrollable crying fits. BUT a nice combination of talk therapy and Zoloft has taken the edge off.

Anyway, I am going to leave work here. Tonight = relaxing with Jacquie and Ella.

Peace.

lmz

PS: don't get me wrong, I love my brother, I really really do. But he's not upholding his end of the bargain of him living with me. I've given him ample amount  of time to get his life together.

10.29.2010

Happy Birthday, Mary

My littlest cousin Mary is 4 this week. How time flies...

Mary & Leah, 2008

2008

Mary & Rachel, 2007

Leah David and Mary, 2007

Christmas 2009


2010 pics:



10.19.2010

30 days of truth, day 4

Once a week I'll answer the proposed question or statement truthfully for 30 weeks.


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

I have to forgive a couple people.

First, my father, for ditching my mom even before I was born. For not being in my life and, to this day, not wanting to. I forgive him because, well why would anyone want to ruin a perfectly good thing (their life) with a mistake (me). *sarcasm* Anyway, for a long time I held it against him and thought the fact he didn't want to be in my life was because of me but I've since realized that's far from the truth.

I forgive my mother, for not being all she can be. She thinks she's a "disappointment" to me, but that's false. I forgive her for the times she called me a bitch and told me she hated me, thus driving me out of her home. Anyway, I forgive her for those things because, deep down inside, she loves me and cares about me.

Well that was intense!



10.15.2010

My Favorite Beauty Products


1. SpaRitual Formaldehyde-free nail lacquer ~ retails at $10/bottle ~ The colors are great and this is my go-to hot pink. It says on for a while but needs a top coat otherwise it's pretty flat.


2. Bumble & Bumble Straight ~ $26.00 ~ This helps my kind of wild but not quite straight hair be tame! Just a small amount before blow drying and you'll be amazed.

3. CHI Flat Iron ~ around $120, depending on where you buy it ~ This is THE BEST flat iron. Ever. Enough said.

4. Clinique Dramatically Different moisturizing lotion ~ $24.00 ~ my face is really dry in the winter and these helps a ton. I also have a travel size for my purse. Please tell me if I have yellow lotion on my face.

5. Clinique All About Eyes Serum ~ $25.50 ~ A new product from Clinique, a dab under and around your eyes takes away the puffiness. Perfect for under make up or over it, too.
6. M.A.C. Plush Lash ~ $14 ~ OMG I love this. I went to the MAC counter last week and the nice gal working recommended this for my long lashes.


7. OPI Nail Lacquer in Black Cherry Chutney ~ $8 ~ My go-to dark, it's dark but not *too* dark.

8. Oribe Signature Shampoo ~ $28 - $36 ~ Expensive but amazing. Very concentrated, a little goes a long way. I also have the conditioner. All the products smell the same (amazing).













 
9. Oribe Dry Texurizing Spray ~ $39 ~ This smells amazing and works as a texurizing spray or a dry shampoo. Perfect for creating volume with backcombing or just adding some texture and making hair "piecey".

10.12.2010

the options for single girls these days.

I've been on a rollercoaster, of love [cue that corny song here] the past year or so.



I've been doing the single girl thing: dating, being set up, being dumped or told "we're better off as friends". But the one thing I've come to notice lately is as you get older, you get people with more and more baggage. My BFF and I spend a lot of time talking and discussing our lives as single gals. She can't get over the fact all of the potential people she could date have a kid, or sometimes more than 1! Looking at my track record, I haven't had anyone with kids but I've had:

former felon/crackhead
guy that had cancer
guy living with HIV

**FYI, these are all under the age of 30!

Now, I don't discriminate and I pride myself in not judging people. In fact, all of these people had perfect chances with me, it just didn't go too far for whatever reason.

I have recently decided, or rather, it's just so happened that, I am done dating. However, I keep a profile on the free website PlentyOfFish.com. It's more humorous than anything. Getting messages from "BigDaddyPain4U" or "Minnetonka" [both actual usernames] is quite discouraging... and I don't even read the messages. So when I get a normal username, I will read the message.

This guy messaged me, passed the pre-test [height, username, looks, decent profile] so I wrote back to him. Right away he asked to add me to facebook.

Facebook is for friends. I don't know you.

I told him I don't have a facebook [deleted it on Sunday] and so he gave me his number and told me to text him.

I don't want to text you. You don't know me. You don't get to know my number!

I gave him my email address, said let's exchange a couple emails and see if we think we'd get along then we could meet up for a drink or coffee...

He responds and tells me that he's recovering alcoholic. Again, not going to discriminate. The emails just were not flowing and now I can't decide, do I stop responding or just say, well I don't think we'll get along? Besides, he's only 5'11" and since most men lie about their height I'm betting he's 5' 9.75". Or do I just go head and get coffee to rule him out?

Now, I obviously have my fair share of baggage: I've got the brother(s), the whole still in college but also living a real life thing, the fact I'm not 100% ready for a relationship, my own emotional problems,

So it seems as though, the older we get, the less we get to choose from. It's slim pickins' out here.



We'll see. It's fun, but at the end of the day I'd rather be alone than settle for someone.

fatass.

You know that feeling, when you put on your favorite pants and they're too tight? Or they rip? Don't worry, it has happened to me, too. The first was fall of 2005, I was wearing my FAVORITE coveted Hollister jeans I bought right before high school graduation. I was devastated. I hadn't even been in college a month but apparently gained enough weight for my favorite jeans to rip straight up the back side. The 2nd time was February of 2009. I remember it specifically. I put on my favorite Silver Jeans and they

just.
wouldn't.
button.

Sooo, I forced them on. Once they were on, however, they were SO tight. They ended up ripping. I thought maybe they shrunk but then I realized, no, you're fat.

This past weekend, I was shopping with Ella in Mankato. We went to Old Navy, where the jeans are on sale for $16! I picked up a pair and erred on the side of caution with the size. I got a pretty big size thinking, geez no way will this fit me. But guess what. It did. I bought the pants. I think I bought them because I figured I might as well embrace my obesity and wear jeans that fit.



This morning at work, my gut looked extra large. With that said, I e-mailed my BFF..

To: Ella
From: Leah
Subject: OMG

My gut is large. and in charge. I'm re-joining the gym. TONIGHT.


Bottom line: I don't want to be fat anymore. I want to work out, lose 20 lbs and life will be fine. My confidence is pretty down, and not to mention, I am sick of my ginourmous boobs!

I'll keep you posted.




Day 3 // 30 days of truth

Once a week I'll answer the proposed question or statement truthfully for 30 weeks.


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself



My friend miss Meagan is now doing this and I think it's great because I think it'll great self exploration. Meg, I agree, 30 weeks is a long time. I may just randomly do some if I feel so inclined. Looking forward to your daily post.

I have to forgive myself for not being "where I want to be". At the age of 23, a lot (most) of my friends are done with college and onto their "real life things". I am not quite there. Yes, I have a "real life" and a great job but I always beat myself up about not graduating from St. Kate's yet. I think I should never have dropped out in fall of 2006 and enrolled at a community college. I get upset when I realize I won't be done with school until 2012 or maybe even 2013. I get so upset that I want to quit. And I have to forgive myself for making the mistakes I made in the past because, in reality, I know they've only made me stronger and brought me where I am today.





10.08.2010

Kiss.


For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something.
You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere.
A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air.
You can't cheat your first kiss.
Trust me, you don't want to.
Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything.




//faith\\


At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that it's happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away. ::meredith, grey's anatomy

10.07.2010

new, new, new, new, new.

Hi!

I have a new little set up here. I added an information page and a blogroll of my favorite blogs. I fiddled with the layout a bit. I'm excited to hopefully vamp up my personal blog and separate it from my school blog. I want to sort of figure out a direction for this blog. So, stay tuned.

As for what's new in my life...?

Brother is still crashing on the couch. Meh. It's not ideal but I love the kid, so what are ya gonna do? My friend Jacq moved into the building next door. Now I have 3 BFF's on my corner! So fun, and helps me keep sanity, for sure.

School is busy.

I was fully convinced that I was going to drop math class because I. Hate. Math. But, alas, my girlfriends in class told me to suck it up. My other class is great - promotional communications. I love it!



Dating is... non-existent.

Given the fact whenever I'm in public with my brother I'm convinced others think we're together (as evidenced by 2 neighbors asking or mentioning "your girlfriend"). Lately it's be the two-date curse. For a while it was just the one-date curse. After one date it was obvious by either party that it wasn't going to work. The last two prospects, Matt & Mr. Mechanic, have been two-daters.

Recap on Matt & Mr. Mechanic...

Matt was really cool and we had a ton of fun. Met for coffee, which turned into rollerskating at disco night and a movie and beer at his friends house. 2nd date entailed dinner at a cool local pub, walk by the river and drinks at another cool bar. I hadn't overthought things as I normally do and was not concerned about when I'd see him, what we'd do, where it was going to go, etc. I was quite proud of myself! Anyway, I ended up getting an email from him saying I was really great but he just wanted to continue with a friendship (I hadn't even questioned anything...?). He stated he thought it'd be difficult to date given the fact I didn't have a car and we lived 30 miles away (bogus). He then stated he wanted me to be his "city guide" and show him all the cool places I talked about in the city (no). As of now - this was about a month ago - I haven't heard from him. So much for wanting to be friends. Why do guys say that, anyway? That's a whole other post.


mr. mechanic, hard at work.

Mr. Mechanic is still fresh in my mind and was a set-up by my mother. My mother had been insistent to this man (hard to call him a man, he's 21!) that I was "so beautiful, smart, photogenic and great" and she'd "really like him as a son-in-law" (that's awkward). Anyway, we did the facebook exchange, he checked out OK and I was intrigued. We spend a good chunk of the day texting on Wednesday before our date. True to Leah form (instant gratification, no patience) we met up that night for a beer. We actually had really great conversation and touched subjects I've vowed never to get into on an inital meeting [politics, religion and family]. He texted afterward saying, "your a really cool person to talk to''. A) YOU'RE. not your. B) what does that mean? I decided not to analyze it and took it as a compliment. Said thanks and we'd talk soon.

He texted the next couple of days (multiple times) and called me on Friday night. We set up plans for Saturday. Another good time on Saturday night. Again, we got into some great deep conversation. We are definitely different and it was interesting to hear is view on some things. And since Saturday we've exchanged a couple texts but, nothing earth shattering, no plans for getting together again. Not a big deal to me, his loss, really (seeing as how I am so great).

So, since I've gotten over the one-daters, the two-daters... what's next?
whomp whomp, sad face.



The three daters? Well, my friends, that requires me to date. I don't quite have the time. Between work, school, trying to work out, brother(s) and trying to finish season 1 of Desperate Housewives and Mad Men, I don't have a lot of time for dating.

Oh, and another thing, as far as dating, I'm really learning a lot about my self. Mechanic man and I had COMPLETE opposite political views. Made our convos great but... in the end? Doubtful it would work.

And as my best friend Ella says, "at the end of the day, we don't love these hoes, but we always have each other" and "my relationship with you is the most satisfying and longest one I've ever been in."




LMZ

someday..

Mama there's no way you'll ever lose me
Giving me away is not goodbye
As you watch me walk down to my future
I hope tears of joy are in your eyes


'Cause he is good, so good
And he treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me



10.04.2010

30 days of truth // day 2

Once a week I'll answer the proposed question or statement truthfully for 30 weeks.
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself


Alright, this shouldn't be *too* difficult... something I love about myself is the ability I have to care for others. I put others before myself and genuinely care for their feelings. I'm very open and accepting to everyone, all of my friends and family, and truly want the best for everything. I will go above and beyond for my friends and family, and I think that's a great trait.

That funny feeling.

I keep a planner and try to stay on top of it to keep track my life - work, school, appointments, bills, etc... However now it is Monday at 11am and for some reason I cannot get the idea that I told someone I would do something by lunchtime on Monday. I vividly remember saying, let me look into this on Monday morning and I'll get back to you. So I scour my desk and go through old e-mails at work to see if I sent an e-mail to someone saying I'd handle something. Nothing. Go through my text messages and personal emails. Nothing. Was I dreaming? Maybe I dreamt I said I'd do something.
image from everystockphoto.com

For my own sanity and job security, I *hope* that if I did in fact tell someone I'd do something, it's not for work. And that my friend would just call me up this afternoon and say, did you ever look into that? So, for documentation, I feel as though there's something I should be doing but, it's not happening.

I'm too young to be forgetful!

10.01.2010

The time has come...

Well folks, I'm going to need to make a change. I need to create a separate Twitter account. As much as I love Twitter, I need to have a separate one for my school/professional use and one for my personal. So my plan of action is this:
  • Change my username on my current Twitter page to something that doesn't identify me
  • Keep my current followers (i.e. dating bloggers & girlfriends)
  • Create a 2nd Twitter for professional use and link to my school blog 
  • Take the followers, i.e. City of Saint Paul and my professor(s), professional networking things, etc.
  • Use HootSuite to manage!

I think it's a good plan. I'll keep you all posted.

LMZ