This blog.

This blog has been a journal for me. Never really shared with anyone other than a couple close friends, it's something I used to vent. When I started it in 2006 (2007?), I was 19 years old, and in my first 'grown up' relationship. I lived wih my boyfriend. I later moved out. And I think I moved back in. That one didn't end until 2009. And then sort-of started again in 2010? As of today, we're still good friends. I love looking back and seeing how I've changed, and I want to continue to keep this, even if it's just for myself.

There's something about reflection that gets me. Reflecting on where I've been, where I've come from and I'm going to. Take my last post, for example. So much has happened since then. I'm dating a new boy (man). He's wonderful - better than anything I could have ever asked for. I still can't believe it, and I ask myself quite often "Is this real life?".

More to come.


I'll probably die alone.
with my cats.
and career accomplishments.

My nights will be spent working late, going to networking events, then going home to my cat(s). (the most I'll have is two).

I'll try to date, but it will fizzle out.
So I've accepted the fact I'll be alone, forever.

Think of all the vacations I can take, without considering anyone else's opinions.



I'm sorry, I won't be joining you this weekend. I can't go out with you gals tonight. No thanks, I don't need a glass of wine.

New year's eve I enjoyed vodka. A lot of vodka. And I had a blast with one of my best friends at an amazing show and a sleepover on her couch. I spent the majority of Sunday hungover. The final two months of 2011 were spent in a haze of booze and being social.

Drinking is a very social thing, especially for my age group and my friends. Don't get me wrong, my friends are great. They're all upstanding citizens that can handle their booze. I am not saying I cannot handle it, by the way. I handle it just fine. I just don't FEEL well afterwards. For about three days afterwards. I get into a sort of depressive funk. And the only way I feel to combat that funk is enjoy a glass, or four, of wine. I'm not joking. And then the weekend comes around and instead of going out for one drink, I find myself now doing shot, after shot. It's a vicious circle.

And I'm cutting it off. I'm not drinking. And to stop it where it begins, I'm going to attempt to be less social. To be honest, I can't be in a setting where my friends are enjoying a drink while I cannot. So I will say, I cannot join you for happy hour tonight. Wish me luck. Because I have little self control. And I love me some wine.

twenty twelve.

Welcome, 2012. I'm happy to see you.

You see, 2011 was a rough year. The first 8 months seriously tested me. My patience. My strength. It was bad. The latter half was...better. I got out of a bad living situation, came to terms with the loss of a 7 year friendship, and really catapulted myself into my professional career and activities.

I didn't make any new year's resolutions because I think that each day is a new day. If you want to change something, make a decision to do it, don't wait until a new year to do so. I have changes I want to make. I have personal and professional goals I want to achieve. I'm looking forward to going after these, and to getting a balance in my life.


baggage and drama.

We all have it. Baggage. You've been left with it from your last relationship. you're holding onto it and just cannot let it go.

Tough shit. Let it go. Because you'll never get anywhere holding onto past relationships. I get it, I've been there. It took me a year to get over my relationship with D, and even after that rocky year, it took time before we were able to get where are now (friends).

In my most recent dating experience, as referenced in an earlier post, dude has major baggage. It came out early on and from there we (I) have decided we'll just be friends. Which is great. But now as friends I get to actually hear about this drama. Holy. Shit! Bitches be crazy! I get that I'm not "in it" but pro tip: either don't let the chick you're trying to bone into such drama OR don't have it. Wipe your hands clean. Move on. She clearly has, and you have to, too. And honestly, dating/sleeping with someone immediately may not be the BEST way to handle it. At least for me, it isn't.

And maybe it's because I've been emotionally unattached for so long (two years), but I don't have pity anymore. I feel bad, and I'm sorry that people have to deal with this but I'm more along the lines of "OK, it's over. It's over. I'll be sad for a while and do what I have to do, but it's done". Again, the next time I get dumped on my ass, I bet I have a different opinion.

The moral of the story is that I wish I would have been completely oblivious to this baggage and drama because then I wouldn't have been friend-zoned. And once you're there... you never come out.



I want to live in a loft in St. Paul.
With exposed brick. And a cute coffee maker. And my cats.
With Mears Park outside of my windows. And be a regular at the wine bar.
I will walk to work via skyway.
I'll go for runs along the river. And hang out at the coffee shop.
And it will be so perfect.


dating sucks, in a funk and other things.

not to say I've been dating, but I did have a couple dates with a boy man and being the smart and internet sleathly girl I am, it didn't take me long to put a few things together and realize mister mister just got out of a relationship (I seriously didn't do any super intense internet stalking, it was very easy).

I would only come to find through conversation that not only was it quite a fresh break up, and he reassured me I wasn't a rebound, but that he was really, really messed up from this chick. Him and I have continued a friendship and  I've been a sounding board for him to vent. I also want to kick this girl's ass. She's the bitch that makes these dudes so fucked up! I could beat her up, if I had the chance and the right shoes on.

Before I found out how crazy she is, and I (shameful admission here) spent my time "researching" her, I had a full-on mini meltdown. She is SO CUTE. She's this cute little hipster girl that rides a bike and doesn't eat animals. She's gorgeous and creative. And I think, WTF is dude doing being interested in ME? Girl is fucking cute as hell and I'm just, blah. And at that moment I realized I wasn't ready to date, let alone be in a relationship. I'm not normally the girl to intensely compare myself to girlfriends prior, especially so early on in something so undefined.

but, I digress. And dating sucks. maybe it's the holidays, and the weather, and those extra 5 15 pounds that have found their way around my mid-section. I have no desire or motiviation and I'd rather just hang out with my friends. This does lead into said "funk". Just not really feeling into doing things.

this month has been madness. absolutely crazy. using the next two weekends to screw my head back on, reconnect and focus on upcoming month. and it's cold. i hate this! i want to move to California. Sunshine and warmth.


something's missing.

I'm dizzy from the shopping malls
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it