i'm not okay.

Have you ever cried so hard that you can't breathe? Where it's to the point that you can't see, can't even taste your cigarette?

That's me.

Needless to say, I am counting the HOURS until I move into my new apartment.

I don't have much to write today.

My head hurts so bad I feel like it's going to explode.

Off to work, the day couldn't be going slower...

Ugh.

lmz.

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems
I've told you time and time again
You sing the words but don't know what it means
To be a joke and look
Another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time
Take a good hard look
I'm not okay
I'm not okay

Just another Monday..

I hate Mondays.

I try so hard on the weekend to get up at my normal time so my Monday's won't be so bad. Nope, doesn't happen. I just sleep until ike 10am, and it throws my whole day off. I hate it.

I got a B on my Sociology test! I am pretty proud, even though it's only a B...I have gotten C's on all before. Tonight is class from 6-9...then I am watching the Hills and sleeping. Blah. Tuesdays are better, they're closer to the weekend, but still not Thursday or Friday!

3 Days til move-in day! I am excited =) I have my invites to send out for my housewarming party. I'm not really inviting many people, I don't have a big family...Oh well. It will be a Sunday afternoon thing. I am going to have another one for my friends, but that won't be til December.

I should go...I am busy...I am doing this thing for work called "LOMA" I don't know what it stands for but it's basically teaching myself the "principles of insurance, life health and annuities"...Fun. BUT after I'm done with all I will have a special "certification" and it will look awesome on my resume. Off to study for that, and my photo. quiz tonight. Blah.

Looking forward to: moving, asian noodle bowl for lunch at the caf, class tonight.

lmz

Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

Simply put, by someone who *barely* knows me...

My new roommate, Sara, and I e-mail a lot throughout the day while at work. Today I was bitching about drama and stress and Sara had the perfect answer that describes my life at this point and my mood....

"My guess is you're the oldest and in addition to every day life, you're juggling a lot more than most 20 year olds. Sometimes you feel like no one understands the pressure you're under, no one really cares or is supportive? Sometimes you just want to scream, throw everything out the window, give the world the proverbial finger and say "I GIVE UP!" but you don't because it feels like no one is listening anyway? Yep, I know exactly how you feel, been there. Sucks but it doesn't have too. "

Whoa. On the dot my friend, on the fucking dot.

Hmm....

8 Days til move-in dayyyyyyy......

Things looking forward to: Watching Private Practice tonight
Finishing my homework

lmz

can i just have one more moondance with you, my love?

9 Days...

9 days until Sara and I move into our apartment. Yes, yes...I signed a one year lease! This is a big step for me and it's a little scary. I have been 'on my own' for quite some time but now I guess it's, official. It is going to feel so good to come home to something that is 'my own'. My own room. Designed and decorated by me. I can just see it now-the walls are a really tame pink, not pale but not hot pink. A really nice pink. I don't have a bed right now but I will be getting a bed with a black frame-a black wood frame in particular. I am going to have black side tables and a black dresser-and a desk in my room. I am going to have black shelves on the wall with pink and black candles and the bedspread is white with black and pink stripes. I will have a dark pinkish or purple shag rug on the floor, since the floors are wood I don't want to have cold feet all the time in the winter.

Needless to say, I am excited. I am not really financially ready and November will be horrible on my fianances. I wasn't planning on moving until December. Well, WE weren't planning on it...but we looked at this place, it was perfect. Really cheap, good location (not in a shady/sketchy place) good size..plus Sara's landlord owns it so it worked out really well for her. So, needless to say, I won't be decorating as I'd LIKE until later-not until December...good idea for X-mas gifts =gift cards, gift cards, gift cards!!

Meh, just another Tuesday...I decided to start something where in each blog I say something that I am looking forward to. I have little post it notes on my desk of things I am looking forward to, and I only I know what they mean, and it helps get through the day.

Looking forward to: *Haircut/color on Saturday!
*My PINK room
*The end of the semester with good grades!

Not looking forward to: *Missing my kitties =(
*The holidays...I hate family get togethers. --> In fact, I think this year I will enjoy the holidays alone in my apartment. With Sara's cats. I'll get some Chipotle and spend the dreaded days reading books and enriching my mind. Bah frickin' humbug.
*Photography final...or Soc. final for that. Any tests I will have to take. (You know, I've come to the conclusion that tests are STUPID. Sounds real scientific but here's my reasoning: So, I've been in the 'real world' since May, and I have a good job, at a good company. Do I have to take a 'test' to show what I know? NO. Do I get assigned projects with a deadline, which is really important to get done by that date. YES. In school, I get assigned a project, put it off ALL semester, work on it for a while a couple days before it's due and get an A. Case in point: Intro to Communcations Spring 2007-we were assigned a project in the beginning of the semester. I put it off, worked on it here and there and I worked on it all day the night it was due. I went to class, gave my presentation, got an A from the teacher and won 1st place in the Saint Paul College Liberal Arts Fair. At work, get assigned a project, finish it BEFORE it's due and get praised for it. It is SO much more important to be able to have the skills to get something done when it's due and do a GOOD JOB on it than it is to take a frickin' test....)


lmz*

Help me remember
The way that we used to be
When nothin' else mattered
'Cause you were lovin' me
Just for the night, one last time
One more good memory
When I look back
That's what I wanna see

rain rain go away...

Will it ever stop raining? This sucks, I hate coming to work all wet from waiting for the bus and the wind blows the rain under my umbrella...ughhhh...So Gallager (the boy cat) started peeing blood yesterday. Of course I freak out and google it and he probably has a UTI, which isn't a big deal. It's painful for him, but then it talks about these "crystals" and how they can block the urinary tract...and that it can get backed up and then he can die. All within 24 hours. So naturally my first thought is to bring him to the vet...well...I don't really have $300 laying around to get the cat fixed....and of course David is totally against bringing cats to the vet when they're sick...So, we're going to start feeding him cranberry juice and yogurt and hope it gets better. *sigh* I wish it were December. The next 6 weeks are going to just drag on..Blah..

lmz

Now that it's raining more than ever know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella

*red umbrella*

Sometimes life can get a little dark

I'm sure I've got bruises on my heart

Here come the black clouds full of pain

Yeah, you can break away without the chains

Your love is like a red umbrella

Walk the streets like Cinderella

Everyone can see it on my face

So let it rain

It's pourin' all around

Let it fall

it ain't gonna drown me

After allI'm gonna be okay

let it rain

You can wear your sorrow like an old raincoat

You can save your tears in a bottle made of gold

But the glitter on the sidewalk always shines

Yeah, even God needs to cry sometimes

Your love is like a red umbrellaA

Always there to make me better

When my broken dreams

Are fallin' from the sky

Let it wash my tears away

Tomorrow's another day

Yeah

Is the sun ever going to come out??

Another day of crappy weather. This really doesn't help my whole "moving out" thing...just makes life worse. I wish it was sunny out. Where's the fall weather I love so much?? Sara and I are looking at an apartment tonight. I REALLY hope we can work something out so that we can move in in December, because if this place is all it's cracked up to be, it will be amazing...it's on Ashland and Western...We shall see. I was driving to work today and I heard this song on the radio. I've never heard it before, it made me cry. Well, everything makes me cry, not a big deal. It's be Elliot Yamin, called "I'll wait for you"....

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you and I'm wishing you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go
You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone
You could have stayed but you wouldn't give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more than I can stand
And all my tears they
Keep runnin' down my face
Why did you turn away

So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I'll wait for you
Been a long time since you called me
How could you forget about me
You gotta be feeling crazy
How can you walk away
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is and it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me
You're still in love with me
Don't leave me crying
Baby why can't we just, just start all over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance
I can love you right
But you're telling me it won't be enough

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I'll wait for you

So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me
But I know it's a lie
What you're keeping inside
That is not how you want it to be
Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing I do

Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I'll wait for you
I'll be waiting...

Cinnamon Sugar Bagel and Strawberry Cream Cheese

My morning started off amazing--with a cinnamon sugar bagel and strawberry cream cheese....mmmm...I waited 20 minutes for it, they weren't done, so I waited until the next batch was done, which is amazing because then it's fresh and hot from the oven. Hmm, not really much to say, found a roommate-her name's Sara she goes to grad school and works full time right next to my building in downtown. We seem pretty similar-mature and outgoing with a good head on our shoulders. The weekend was nice, I didn't do much, which was even better. On Saturday I spent the morning with Bill and Jacquie and the kids and then went back to David's to clean up my stuff and clear out my closet and stuff, and in the evening went to B&J's. It was good to see the kids again. Sunday was a really nice day--David and I watched the Twin Cities Marathon, looking for Jen but she was running slower than I calculated her at. But still, 12 minutes for a mile...not bad, not bad. I would LOVE to run a marathon....I should probably be able to run on the treadmill for longer than 5 mins without dying...lol. Anyways, I should get back to work....I like being at work, keeps my mind off of everything else.

lmz

Cuz when you're Talkin out loud and nobody’s there
you look like hell and ya just don’t care
Drinkin more than ya ever drank
Sinkin down lower than ya ever sank when ya
Find ya self fallin down upon your knees
Prayin to God beggin him please
That’s when she’s more than a memory

There's no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard,
No song that I could sing But I can try for your heart,
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things,
Like a shoebox of photographs,
With sepia tone loving,
Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart ,
Like why are we here?
And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy,
And sometimes life can be deceiving,
I'll tell you one thing,
its always better when we're together

MMM, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together


And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone,
When the morning light sings
And brings new things,
But tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too,
Too many things I have to do,
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene I'll be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two, Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do,
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now
Yeah, it's always better when we're together
We're somewhere in-between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing, We're better together

Maybe it won't be so bad....

I think things are going to work out for the best. I think I need to kind of live on my own, and have my own responsibilites, not have someone there to always catch me if I fall or mess up. At least it's Wednesday already. Almost Friday =). I have been looking around for rooms to rent and I've got a lead. I hope to check it out tonight or tomorrow--it would be a great place at a good price. On a side note, I got an A on my photography project! For some reason I am bombing the quizzes we have every week. Just goes to show that I am not good at tests. I can get an A on a project, but when it comes to the mid-term, or the final, I always get a C, or even a D....And I am studying, I just am not a good test taker...Blah!! Back to work.

PS: This weekend is Twin Cities Marathon, my friend Jen is running in it and I hope to go see her on Sunday! Sweet! Hopefully it's a nice weekend!!

PS: I miss my Gallager

lmz

Cause you and I both loved

What you and I spoke of

and others just read of

Others only read of the love

What is meant to be...

It's so funny how much things can change in such a short period of time. Last week I was so looking forward to the weekend, this week I just wish I could stay at work 24/7. It's like I don't even know what happened, everything just fell apart. I have started to look for places to move...I've found a couple rooms that people are renting out. I just feel so nervous yet excited but mostly, I'm scared shitless. I guess after being with someone for a year and then it just all of a sudden ends, I feel sort of lost. Like all of a sudden, my life is just totally different. Last year at this time David and I had met and began dating. Everything was so perfect. I don't want it to be over, I don't want to be alone. I'm not ready for the relationship to be done. It's like I don't even know how far it could have gone or what could have been made of the relationship we had. I just need to keep my head up, keep smiling, and what's meant to be will find it's way.

lmz

The path that I'm walking, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown, full grown.
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I forseek the dark ahead if I stay

When it rains, it pours.

So, the last weekend of September was a pretty crappy one. For one, it rained all weekend, didn't see a drop of sun all weekend. Second, my car decided to screw up...the alignment is all messed up I can't even drive it. Third, my debit card got stolen, and used, twice. So I was at the ATM on maryland and arkwright and quick got some stamps, and ran out the door and I must have left my check card in the ATM. Whoever was behind me decided to snatch it and go buy gas, twice. Thanks, asshole. Anyways, I'll be filing a police report and I contacted Wells Fargo, so I won't be responsible for the charges... As for my weekend of peace, I guess not. Not to mention things in wonderful land haven't been so wonderful. As always, I screwed up. It seems as though I can never do anything right...Anyways, needless to say, I spent the weekend and my Grandma's house...I am not sure what I am going to do, stay there, get my own place, or go back to David's. I just hope everything works out, and doesn't stress me out too much. =(

lmz

How strong are you now
Without her around
You can't even keep one little bitty tear
From fallin down
Tell me how strong are you now