Don't let me go.

Maybe I am just being nostalgic or maybe I'm being emo. It's my birthday tomorrow...to me, a birthday, is a birthday. It's a day. I mean, yeah, I'm another year older, whoop de do. I guess it sort of hit me that I haven't had a boyfriend in a whole year. I've dated, and the most recent of that is obviously as we know, Corey. Corey's birthday was in May. I made him dinner and we went for a walk and watched a movie. To me, his birthday was quite meaningful. Actually, to both of us it was meaningful, and he did express to me. Corey and I are speaking terms, I even hung out with him like 2 weeks ago... and I won't even get an acknowledgement of the fact it's my birthday, and it hurts... is that wrong? [I obviously spoke too soon. a) my birthday isn't until tomorrow and b) as I was composing this I got an email from him....

Hope you're doing well and you're looking forward to your birthday tomorrow.

I am not going to sit and overanalyze it. Yup, I am doing well. Yes, I am looking forward to my birthday. That is all on that subject. ] 

I think what may have gotten me is this: I was at dinner with my cousin & his wife, for her birthday. They're older, in their mid-30's. My aunt asked A what her favorite birthday has been and she shared that since her and T started dating, her birthdays have been better since she's had someone to celebrate with. She also said she wouldn't re-live her 20's for anything {so i've heard from a lot my older friends].

It's my first birthday as a single girl! I can already hear it....

all the single ladies

all the single ladies

put your hands up

...cause if you like it then you shoula put a ring on it

lmz

Today.

I am going to lunch at Meritage with Tracy & Demetri to celebrate mine & Demetri's birthday.

Me, Tracy, Jen & Demetri {halloween, 2008}

Me & Demetri, Halloween. Oh fun.

Haha, my 21st birthday, Demetri & me.... I was a little.... belligerant.

I was a mess. A mess!

Ah, 23. How exciting.

lmz

Friday, friends!

Happy Friday, friends!

One of my favorite things is going to bed on Thursday knowing that when I wake up on Friday I am one day closer to the weekend! Minnesota Summer weekends are my favorite, especially when it's beautiful outside. There is so much to do and so many things to take advantage of.

My weekend plans consist of : laying low tonight and reading my new book (Fly Away Home by Jennifer Weiner); Minnesota State Fair tomorrow; Local Union 455 picnic on Sunday and dinner for my cousin's wife's birthday at It's Greek To Me in the beautiful Minneapolis. Busy weekend!

I thought this could be fun and I came across it at Krysten's Blog.

{I couldn't resist: a shirtless man, and a cat. c'mon!}

1. The most adventurous thing I've done is: I do a lot of adventurous things but I suppose most recently my friend Laura & I drove to IL to see John Mayer & on Sunday we spent the day downtown Chicago. I drove us into town, found us parking and got us out. It was kind of cool for a city girl!

2. If I were a pair of shoes I would be: I want to say a rockin' pair of heels however, heels are notorious for killing feet and, well, I'm not a murderer. I'd say flip flops! Comfy, never get old and usually cute.

3. My preferred mode of digital communication is: Texting, I like to text. I also enjoy an old fashioned phone conversation. Sometimes texts can become miscontrued and that's what the words hit the fan!

4. I feel happiest when: When I am content, when things are going my way and when I know what to expect.

5. A little dream I have for my life is: to do something out of the ordinary that no one would except, like become a cop or join the military.

6. The one modern convenience I could NOT do with out is: only one? my gosh... I'd say... Google. + access to Google from my blackberry. I use it daily.

7. Music, movies, TV or Books - if I could only choose one to enjoy I would pick: toss up between music and books. I'd say music, an iPod full of great music is a simple pleasure in life.

until next time,

lmz

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Infidelity. Cheating. Unfaithfulness. Call it what it is, because it is what it is. But lately I've been thinking: once a cheater, always a cheater?

I'll put myself out here and say that I've been in my fair share of relationships. I'll be completely honest and say I've been unfaithful in a relationship. I am wracking my brain to think if it was more than one relationship, but as I'm seeing, I'm thinking it's just the one. Everyone can define it differently; whether it's making-out with someone, sharing an emotional connection or having a full on all night sex session. I have good friends whose relationships (and marriages) have ended because of it. I've had friends who have been dating guys you would *never* see as a cheater, but that one drunken make-out sesh on spring break in Florida sure did end it all. Now that I think about it, the majority of my close group of friends have been cheated on or dumped and then the guys are in a new relationship within a few short days (sketchy). I'm pretty sure the reason I didn't fight for my relationship is because I figured this other dude would be right there waiting (false).

I'd like to think there's some sort of redemption. Okay, so I've cheated, but the relationship was doomed, anyway, right? It was going to end it wast just a matter of when. Excuses. Justification. So does it mean that since I've cheated, I'm always a cheater? Sure my younger years got the best of me. But I've learned from my mistakes. So although I feel I should be pardoned for my mistake(s), I think that someone makes a conscious decision to do such things. Personally, I think if you're being unfaithful, there's a reason. Whether it's the idea of the chase, not being attracted anymore, a love-less marriage, the thought of being with another person (because nowadays us gals have to worry about our guy leavin' for a dude! Or a chick with big man arms), there's a reason.

When you're dating and the "ex-files" are opened, should you be honest? And if they can't accept that, too bad? {I've always been and always will be honest. I'm not proud but, as much as I hate this saying, it is what it is.The past can't be changed. The future is what matters} I think of the situations turned: I'm dating someone that I'm really into and they tell me they've been unfaithful. Does that mean I'm going to trust them less? What if they never told me and I gave the same amount of trust as I give everyone?

Let's just say, the bottom line is that I hope that I find myself in a loving, trusting relationship down the road. Regardless of the past, I hope I can extend the same amount of trust to someone as I'd like them to extend to me.

lmz

& this is not to say
they'll never come  a day
I take my chances and start again
but when I look behind
on all my younger times
I'll have to thank the wrongs
that led me to a love so strong
perfectly lonely //john mayer\\

This weekend...

My friend from work, Laura, and I are taking a road trip to Tinley Park, Illinois! We're so excited. Why TP, you ask?

This guy:

I am super into his new sleeve tat....

But a little less impressed with his belly...

Then again, he does have better things to do than GTL (gym, tan, laundry - obvi)

And... if he happens to propsose to me. I will say yes!

"since you're over me now, can we be friends?"

I've been thinking lately about being friends with exes after the break up. In general, it's frowned upon. It seems like everywhere you go and whatever you do after a break up is consumed with the relationship: the [over] analyzing it, sad break up songs, missing them, wanting them back, getting back together, only to break up again. In general, I'm not friends after a break up. I've had the "it's not you, it's me, but I still want to be your friend" break up. I've had the messy break up that doesn't really end, and I've had the "we just don't have enough in common, but let's still be friends" break up. That's the most recent, actually. With CH. Although I call it a break up, we were never "official" (labels could be a whole other blog). We don't have enough in common to sustain a relationship, but we can create a friendship? We weren't even friends to begin with. So how can we be friends, after jumping into a 'dating' relationship? All of the these things. I think being friends with an ex has pros and cons.

I recently had to tell an ex (D) that I couldn't be in his life right now. This is one big relationship, and way back on my blog most posts are about our relationship. We had a rocky relationship, but it was good overall. He (and his family) has been pivotal in my life. When I told him, he cried. I was quite surprised. I've gone back and forth with him, we had a brief 'should we try this again' during the Fall of 2009. I thought it was all great until he told me he met someone and was going to date her. I was crushed. We didn't speak until they were on the rocks. They've since broken up and he's dating someone else (serial monogamous, much?). He's always the one that's told me you need to be single after a break up, "re discover" yourself and that crap. Everything pretty fine and dandy, he was casually dating her, I was casually dating CH, and we were spending time together. (We actually all hung out one time. That was awkward. This was also the first night CH brought me back to his place.)

Then he told me he's exclusive with the new girl. I was okay with it. I spent the weekend with his family at their cabin (I'm close to the family). That really solidified the fact I couldn't be friends with him. I thought I could, but hearing him be mushy gushy on the phone to her, wondering if he was texting her, all the while he's being affectionate with me? Not fair. He can't have his cake, and eat it too. When I told D that I couldn't spend time with him his automatic accusation was because I wasn't in a relationship. That is only a teeny bit true, but mostly I didn't (and don't) agree with his relationship. He just got out of a pretty intense relationship and it's not even over and he's dating someone else? Not to mention she's super sweet and hasn't been in a relationship. He's (I feel) using her as a pawn in his life for something I'm not quite sure of. They have different views on a couple major issues. It just doesn't seem right to me. So I've decided no, I can't have him around. 


Back to CH. I emailed him to let him know I was doing OK after his "we can't be together, I don't see myself with you, you're too emotional and moody" talk on Thursday [8-12-10, while I'm in excruciating pain the night before a root canal]. When he left I was crying and a bit of a mess (ugh).



Anyhow, he says, well, since you're over me, can we be friends now? I responded and told him, no. I didn't want to be his friend. Why would I be friends with someone that wasn't my friend before our dating experience? And the nail in the coffin? A few weeks ago I had a very stressful afternoon at work. I was even more stressed and upset when I got home only to be locked out of my apartment. I wanted to sit on my stoop, smoke a pack of Marb's and listen to sad music. I sent CH a text saying, "I had a really bad day. I need a hug. Come over after class?". Never responded. I'm sorry but if you're my friend and I tell you I'm stressed and upset, you respond with a simple text or a call. You can even Slydial me. The next day I inquired and he stated, "no big deal, just went out after class." So, no. If you can't come to rescue when I'm upset. I can't be your friend.

Even on TV - Carrie & Mr. Big; Ross & Rachel... they can't even remain friends. One always feels something for the other, and even though they have other relationships and marriages, they end up together. Is society drilling into our heads that once it's over, it's never really over?

 

I guess the bottom line is, if there's a history there, or still something going on, you can't be friends. This is just my opinion. If a relationship ends rough or not 'mutually' I almost don't see a point. I think it's individual discretion.

Until next time in single girl world,

LMZ.

Well the truth, well it hurts to say
I'm gonna pack up my bags and I'm gonna go away
I'm gonna split, I can't stand it

I'm gonna give it up and quit and aint never coming back
-jerrod niemann, lover lover

Resisting Temptation

I decided I'm sick of being fat. {Okay I know I'm not "fat" but I'm just not happy with myself.}

I want to be in better shape.

I want to quit smoking. (haven't had one since Sunday)

I want to run (another) 5k, a half marathon, and maybe someday a whole dang marathon!

I was sick of thinking, making excuses and saying, well starting tomorrow I'll work out, starting tomorrow I'll quit smoking. I wasn't going to blog about it because then if I fail or just don't do it, then I've set myself up for success, only to fail.

let's just say: it's thursday. So far = so good! I've been keeping a daily food log and counting my calorie intake.

[The only 'naughty' thing I did was have a chocolate bar (half of a mini one) the other day. But a girl needs chocolate!]

I went for a nice long roller blade session on Tuesday night. It's been *so* hot out that I can barely muster up the energy to put clothes on and go to work let alone work out, outside nonetheless.

For my birthday: buying a gym membership in the area (options include: Anytime Fitness, YWCA St. Paul, Statera Fitness or LA Fitness) & yoga package at Corepower Yoga.

The purpose of this afternoon's blog is to share that I have resisted tempation in two ways today.

1. Better than sex cake in the cafeteria...

I could devour this in a second. Staring at it makes my mouth water. But not water enough to not eat ANYTHING ELSE the rest of the day. Or week for that matter.

2. $2 ANY SIZE cold drink at Caribou

Got back to my desk after saying "NO" to the cake and had a coupon for any size cooler for $2. We all know I love the 'bou. And I love their coolers.

So here I am. At my desk. Drinking my 1 guilty pleasure (diet coke) and chewing bubblemint gum. Oh I do have to share I had a chocolate chip/cherry muffin for breakfast. With my banana and oatmeal.

*disclaimer, going out of town this weekend to see Mr. Mayer (aka myfuturehusband/dreamboat/ILOVETHISMAN) IN Illinois. I will not be counting for Saturday/Sunday. I think that's OK.

go me :)

lmz

I'm a lover, not a fighter

I'm sort of like a turtle. On the outside I have a hard shell, but I'm soft on the inside. I may appear to be tough and strong but really I'm vulnerable and weak. I know this about myself, however I still tend to put myself in situations where I am destined to be hurt. I also don't have patience so I don't like ''waiting for things to cool off'', which is probably why when I do 'fight' it's so intense - I can't just take time to myself and relax, I have to go, go, go at that moment.

So when my best friend starts personally attacking me for something that has *nothing* to do with me, I have a hard time not taking it personally. I will not get into specifics but I will just say I feel as though I've been emotionally beaten, for something I had no part of, whatsoever. I explained that I didn't want to get into the middle, that it's between her and my brother, but it kept coming. The worst part of having someone so close to you (i.e. a best friend) is that they know what to do and say to hurt you. However, the bottom line should be that they would not use these things against you.

This is why I need to remember to just never let anyone get close to me, for fear of being hurt. Okay, I know I can't do that. I'm just not sure what to do. I can't not take things personally.