This blog.

This blog has been a journal for me. Never really shared with anyone other than a couple close friends, it's something I used to vent. When I started it in 2006 (2007?), I was 19 years old, and in my first 'grown up' relationship. I lived wih my boyfriend. I later moved out. And I think I moved back in. That one didn't end until 2009. And then sort-of started again in 2010? As of today, we're still good friends. I love looking back and seeing how I've changed, and I want to continue to keep this, even if it's just for myself.

There's something about reflection that gets me. Reflecting on where I've been, where I've come from and I'm going to. Take my last post, for example. So much has happened since then. I'm dating a new boy (man). He's wonderful - better than anything I could have ever asked for. I still can't believe it, and I ask myself quite often "Is this real life?".

More to come.

I'll probably die alone.
with my cats.
and career accomplishments.

My nights will be spent working late, going to networking events, then going home to my cat(s). (the most I'll have is two).

I'll try to date, but it will fizzle out.
So I've accepted the fact I'll be alone, forever.

Think of all the vacations I can take, without considering anyone else's opinions.

vodka.

I'm sorry, I won't be joining you this weekend. I can't go out with you gals tonight. No thanks, I don't need a glass of wine.

New year's eve I enjoyed vodka. A lot of vodka. And I had a blast with one of my best friends at an amazing show and a sleepover on her couch. I spent the majority of Sunday hungover. The final two months of 2011 were spent in a haze of booze and being social.

Drinking is a very social thing, especially for my age group and my friends. Don't get me wrong, my friends are great. They're all upstanding citizens that can handle their booze. I am not saying I cannot handle it, by the way. I handle it just fine. I just don't FEEL well afterwards. For about three days afterwards. I get into a sort of depressive funk. And the only way I feel to combat that funk is enjoy a glass, or four, of wine. I'm not joking. And then the weekend comes around and instead of going out for one drink, I find myself now doing shot, after shot. It's a vicious circle.

And I'm cutting it off. I'm not drinking. And to stop it where it begins, I'm going to attempt to be less social. To be honest, I can't be in a setting where my friends are enjoying a drink while I cannot. So I will say, I cannot join you for happy hour tonight. Wish me luck. Because I have little self control. And I love me some wine.

twenty twelve.

Welcome, 2012. I'm happy to see you.

You see, 2011 was a rough year. The first 8 months seriously tested me. My patience. My strength. It was bad. The latter half was...better. I got out of a bad living situation, came to terms with the loss of a 7 year friendship, and really catapulted myself into my professional career and activities.

I didn't make any new year's resolutions because I think that each day is a new day. If you want to change something, make a decision to do it, don't wait until a new year to do so. I have changes I want to make. I have personal and professional goals I want to achieve. I'm looking forward to going after these, and to getting a balance in my life.

baggage and drama.

We all have it. Baggage. You've been left with it from your last relationship. you're holding onto it and just cannot let it go.

Tough shit. Let it go. Because you'll never get anywhere holding onto past relationships. I get it, I've been there. It took me a year to get over my relationship with D, and even after that rocky year, it took time before we were able to get where are now (friends).

In my most recent dating experience, as referenced in an earlier post, dude has major baggage. It came out early on and from there we (I) have decided we'll just be friends. Which is great. But now as friends I get to actually hear about this drama. Holy. Shit! Bitches be crazy! I get that I'm not "in it" but pro tip: either don't let the chick you're trying to bone into such drama OR don't have it. Wipe your hands clean. Move on. She clearly has, and you have to, too. And honestly, dating/sleeping with someone immediately may not be the BEST way to handle it. At least for me, it isn't.

And maybe it's because I've been emotionally unattached for so long (two years), but I don't have pity anymore. I feel bad, and I'm sorry that people have to deal with this but I'm more along the lines of "OK, it's over. It's over. I'll be sad for a while and do what I have to do, but it's done". Again, the next time I get dumped on my ass, I bet I have a different opinion.

The moral of the story is that I wish I would have been completely oblivious to this baggage and drama because then I wouldn't have been friend-zoned. And once you're there... you never come out.

dreams

I want to live in a loft in St. Paul.
With exposed brick. And a cute coffee maker. And my cats.
With Mears Park outside of my windows. And be a regular at the wine bar.
I will walk to work via skyway.
I'll go for runs along the river. And hang out at the coffee shop.
And it will be so perfect.

dating sucks, in a funk and other things.

not to say I've been dating, but I did have a couple dates with a boy man and being the smart and internet sleathly girl I am, it didn't take me long to put a few things together and realize mister mister just got out of a relationship (I seriously didn't do any super intense internet stalking, it was very easy).

I would only come to find through conversation that not only was it quite a fresh break up, and he reassured me I wasn't a rebound, but that he was really, really messed up from this chick. Him and I have continued a friendship and  I've been a sounding board for him to vent. I also want to kick this girl's ass. She's the bitch that makes these dudes so fucked up! I could beat her up, if I had the chance and the right shoes on.

Before I found out how crazy she is, and I (shameful admission here) spent my time "researching" her, I had a full-on mini meltdown. She is SO CUTE. She's this cute little hipster girl that rides a bike and doesn't eat animals. She's gorgeous and creative. And I think, WTF is dude doing being interested in ME? Girl is fucking cute as hell and I'm just, blah. And at that moment I realized I wasn't ready to date, let alone be in a relationship. I'm not normally the girl to intensely compare myself to girlfriends prior, especially so early on in something so undefined.

but, I digress. And dating sucks. maybe it's the holidays, and the weather, and those extra 5 15 pounds that have found their way around my mid-section. I have no desire or motiviation and I'd rather just hang out with my friends. This does lead into said "funk". Just not really feeling into doing things.

this month has been madness. absolutely crazy. using the next two weekends to screw my head back on, reconnect and focus on upcoming month. and it's cold. i hate this! i want to move to California. Sunshine and warmth.

something's missing.

I'm dizzy from the shopping malls

I searched for joy, but I bought it all

It doesn't help the hunger pains

and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing

And I don't know how to fix it

whoa

My first "real" boyfriend, the high school sweetheart, has been married for over a year. We broke up YEARS ago, when I was 19. So that wasn't a big deal.

I was facebook stalking browsing the internet last night and stumbled across this guy I used to date, B. His photo was a wedding picture. I couldn't believe it. Not because I wanted to marry him because frankly, I didn't. He's 10 years older than I am and I was young (21) and it never would have worked. Per my further investigation, they got married in November. She's a beauty.

While I was researching, I thought I'd check in with good old CH. The one that could never commit, the one that inspired so many posts. He's been MIA since our dinner date in October. There's always a reason. In a relationship. The one that couldn't commit. They can commit, just not to you. 

It's just weird I guess. I'm in the mood for angry music and magically losing 75 lbs to be a heartbreaker bombshell.

And is it bad that a little part of me hopes when I have a boyfriend, that a guy I used to date has the same "WTF" moment? It is. I'm awful. And will live forever with my cats.

cursed.

I spoke too soon.

I don't know what I did to warrant it, maybe I'm completely and totally off base. To be honest, this is what I hope is true.

Five dates, countless emails and hours spent on the phone and I'm left analyzing why I was cancelled on twice and he is conveniently booked for the next 10 days. I didn't do anything outlandish on our last date, I don't think. If he isn't interested anymore, fine. But tell me. The worst thing a guy can do is leave you to wonder. He can sugar coat it. He can tell me that he isn't interested and just leave it at that. I'm a big girl and I can handle so much more than someone saying they've lost interest.

So I am left to wonder. What's wrong with me? Between him, Corey, Nathan (who completely vanished after three months of frequent dating)... it's all a whole bunch of nothing. And I knowwwww it's not me, it's him. But it's always them. So is it really me? Obviously it is. And I know that if it isn't there for them, it's just not there. I get it, I do. Let's just communicate.
As I go on in the dating world, I learn more. I was probably too forward, too soon. I started to let my guard down. I just feel so misled. I wasn't even looking for anything in the first place.

The good news is, I've lost nothing but a few weeks and I've learned more about myself.

the one where I think I'm kind of dating someone?

I wasn't expecting this, and isn't that when it happens? Anyhow, I had logged into my stupid free online dating profile at OKCupid.com to delete it (I never used it, and kept getting dumb messages, and had no desire to date, so I was done with it). Well, when I logged in, a new match popped up. I was intrigued right away by the bio saying he was 6'4". I continued on and was genuinely interested and impressed. I was almost a bottle a few glasses of wine in and wrote a very well crafted and witty message. Much to my surprise, I received an equally well written and witty response the next day. These long and well written messages continued for four days when we exchanged phone numbers. One thing led to another and we've had three dates in the past week. Since I have a bad memory, I want to write them down so I have the memories for down the line (or so pessimist Leah can burn them after I get dumped in two months).

All I know is this: he's tall, cute, funny, doesn't try to hard, I can be myself, great kisser, smart and open.

& I'm excited. But not too excited, because again pessimist Leah just thinks this has to be a joke, right? I mean, he likes me? And he tells me that? He likes me, when I feel like I'm at my worst (meaning, I wasn't even ready to date!).

I'll just enjoy this, go slow and have fun. :)

Nevermind I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you

Don't forget me, I beg. I remember you said, sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind I'll find someone like you.

If only you would stay gone, maybe I could move on.

Sweet like a kiss sharp like a razor blade

I find you when I' m close to the bottom

You can't appreciate the time it takes

To kick a love I always knew was kind of wrong

And as I'm putting out the flame

Somebody brings up your name

Baby baby baby bring me down

I want to be right where you are

Baby baby baby bring me down

You can look me in the eye and break my heart

image from weheartit.com

 



lessons learned

Life is a one big learning experience.

Personally, I make mistakes, I get back up, and remember not to make them again. I've learned a lot in my almost 24 years here. Recently, I've had some huge lessons slap me in the face.

First of all, I will not compromise myself, ever again. I compromised my lifestyle, my wants, my desires, to move in with my then best friend. I got rid of my cats. I changed my lifestyle and I regret it. I regret every single second that I have lived with her. I won't compromise myself again. Not for a friend, not for a relationship.

Second, I will never, ever, do something that legally ties me to someone else. I.e. cosign a loan, sign a lease. Both of which have come back to bite me in the ass. Hard. I'm suffering the reprecussions of both of the things, and to say it upsetting is an understatement.

The good news is that I will soon be on my way back to my own apartment, with my beloved cats. I am very much looking forward to this. And this is good. :)

this song.

so go on baby

make your little getaway

my pride will keep me company

and you just gave yours all away

I hate you.

Harsh words, I know.

I hate you. I do. It's almost like 10 things I hate about you. And I could list the things I hate about you. But mostly I hate the disconnect of your words. Is that a phrase? It is now. Last week, we were talking about spending a weekend together, and now I haven't heard from you? I know you've been out of town for work M - F, but you were home over the weekend. And you can't make time to spend 30 minutes with me? And then songs come on my iPod that you downloaded, and I have to skip them. Obviously I skip them. I can't listen to them. Because I miss you. I want to see you. I want to kiss your face and laugh with you. But if you won't make time to see me, I won't make time to like you. The opposite of liking you is hating you. So, I hate you.

wordless wednesday

Dating Hiatus

My posts about my own dating trials and tribulations have been lacking as of late. I have taken an impromptu dating hiatus. It isn't really on purpose, more just because I haven't been actively dating. I have so much other stuff going on right now, it is kind of the least of my worries. I have had a few dates but nothing exciting happened, oddly enough.

So, until I'm out and about on the dating scene, check out the old posts here.

peace,
l

30% boyfriend

This morning I came to the conclusion that I'd like a 30% boyfriend. What is a 30% boyfriend, you ask? It's basically a part-time boyfriend. A little less than part-time, really. The reason is this: I don't think I'm "ready" for a full on relationship. It scares me a little bit. I'm not ready to give up my single girl life in exchange for being someone's girlfriend.

You see, my life is pretty good. I have a good job, I like my apartment and my roommate and  I are civil. I have a great group of friends. In fact, I have a few different groups of friends. I like to be social and usually go out 2 -3 nights a week. The other nights, if I'm around, I like to do my own thing (see: Secret Single Behavior).

Many of my friends, actually most of my friends, are in serious relationships or are *gasp* married. I'm slowing but surely losing out on my single wingwomen. So, there are times when I think, well I'd really like to do this, but I wish I had a boyfriend to do this with me (ex: rent a canoe and go around the lake, rent bikes and go biking, go to the movies on a rainy day, go camping, watch outdoor movies)! I usually stop myself half way through the statement and kick myself a little bit. Yes, I can do those things with my single lady friends - and I do! - but wouldn't it be fun to do it with a cute boy that likes to flirt with me?!?!

Back to the point. If I just had a special man friend, my 30% BF, I could call him when I want to do something spur of the moment. My 30% BF & I are friends and we like hanging out. We'll go out to dinner and laugh and maybe even cuddle over night and have a sleepover every now and then. Note: He is not a friends with benefit type of guy, because in that situation someone ends up hurt.  He is pretty cute, but not a smokin' hottie. Because they have egos. But he's nice, too. And a great kisser. But, I digress.

Whenever I talk about dating with people more wise than I am - older coworkers and friends, my grandma, etc - I get the same thing.

"You're so young!"

"You're going to change so much and be so different when you're 28/29/30"

"Stay single! Live it up!"

And this freaks me out. So, if I don't get into a SERIOUS real relationship but rather have my 30% boyfriend until I'm done growing up, then when I'm really ready, I will be all set and ready to rock the relationship!

And sometimes, a girl just wants a hot make out session with someone she knows doesn't have horribly ill intentions that isn't a stranger.

disclaimer: I've done a lot of dating as of late and I have not, in fact, had a "30% boyfriend". Although it sounds like an ideal situation, it probably doesn't exist. It's probably a little bit selfish on my part. I'm not currently accepting applications for said less-than-part-time-boyfriend.  I do also realize that in any healthy relationship, I won't jump into it and be 100% in after a week. A healthy dating situation would result in slowly moving into something more serious.

People do that?

Disclaimer: This story was told to me by a good friend of mine. We were sharing our online dating horror stories, and this was her most recent, uh, bad one. This is how I recall the story. It was WAY better when she shared it. I may not have every detail down but the main point of the story is there.  Also: there is an actual shirtless male photo in this blog. If this makes you uncomfortable, click here. 

The Story.

My friend has been on a certain online dating site that shall remain nameless match.com for a few months. She had exchanged a few messages with this guy, and then they moved to exchanging phone numbers. They had tried to arrange a time to talk on the phone, but their schedules just weren't matching up. The man had texted her and asked if she was interested in him sending her a photo. She explained that she told him that she had seen his photos on his profile, so she was okay and didn't need any pictures from him. She also shared that her phone was dying but she would try to call him later that night. 


He proceeded to send her a picture of himself. This was a "normal" self-photo, the kind where you hold the camera (or cell phone) with both hands in front of you and snap the picture. Her phone subsequently died and she did not respond to the message, but when she powered her phone back up a few hours later she was surprised to see another picture message from said man.  


The second photo has a lot going on. I have blocked off the face but please, note a couple of things in the photo... 

1. The hand gesture
2. The jeans, two buttons undone


Enter, break for laughter. 


Now, upon receipt of this photo, my friend shared with me that she wasn't quite sure what to do but she most definitely knew she had no desire to a) talk on the phone with this guy or b) go on a date with this guy. He also had sent another text saying that he hoped he didn't offend her. Shortly after this, he CALLED her, to which she ignored, and he left a voice mail. The next morning he texted her again saying that he hoped he hadn't offended her, she was a beautiful woman and, I quote, she "needed a man like him". She did delete his number and hasn't heard from him since the incident but my question is, really? People do this? 


I didn't know that sending unsolicited self-taken shirtless mirror pics was a thing. All I know is that I seriously question any man that lacks the better judgement skills of not only TAKING the mirror shot, but also sending it to a complete stranger. Little did he know, the woman who "needs a man like him" happens to have friends who think it is a hilarious story and has no problem sharing it with the interwebs. Hey, there is a reason he's single, and I'm sure this is just one of them. 


Best of luck to this man and any lucky lady from match.com that gets to date him.