I hate you.

Harsh words, I know.

I hate you. I do. It's almost like 10 things I hate about you. And I could list the things I hate about you. But mostly I hate the disconnect of your words. Is that a phrase? It is now. Last week, we were talking about spending a weekend together, and now I haven't heard from you? I know you've been out of town for work M - F, but you were home over the weekend. And you can't make time to spend 30 minutes with me? And then songs come on my iPod that you downloaded, and I have to skip them. Obviously I skip them. I can't listen to them. Because I miss you. I want to see you. I want to kiss your face and laugh with you. But if you won't make time to see me, I won't make time to like you. The opposite of liking you is hating you. So, I hate you.

i'm sorry for you, just so you know.

Things with C ended... because as I may or may not have shared, well.. I won't blast it out here but it's over. the truth is... there was nothing to end.

he didn't answer my calls
I went to his house once from a dating period of April through November
he only emailed me from his work email

I should have seen the signs.
I should have quit before I knew I'd be broken.

the bottom line is, I don't know the truth. I don't know the back story. But apparently some girl is "in love" with him.
he led me on.
he lied to me.
he told me beautiful words and tricked me into believing fallacies.

I've been through my fair share of break-ups, really, I have. But for some reason, this one still stings.

I'm hurt. Someone told me they cared for me. Someone told me I was beautiful, amazing, a wonderful woman. I feel betrayed. Lied to. Tricked. Used.

This "ended" almost a month ago. I'm still bitter. I'm sick to my stomach. It brings me to tears. I'm angry. I quite literally want to smack him, kick him and cry in his face.

But I won't. I'm strong. I'm better than that. And I am fine, generally. It is just these randoms pangs of anger and bitterness that take me over.

Because I confronted him. And told him. And asked for an apology. Just a simple, "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Leah. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I led you on. I made a mistake."

I got nothing. nothing. 8 months of "dating"... and nothing?

I suppose I should take that silence and interpret it as him walking away.

Just needed to vent.

oh, and. this sara b song = <3....

say you're sorry

I want the one word that you refuse to say to me
You're so good at giving me responsibility
I wash my hands clean and let you watch me as I go
I'm sorry for you, just so you know


lmz.

Fear of Commitment, part II.

I just wrote a pretty deep and personal (for me) blog about Corey and his fear of commitment.

After I posted, I got to thinking about how much Corey reminds me of Chandler Bing.

Friends is probably my #1 favorite show, right up there with Sex and the City. Chandler, because his parents are divorced and seeing Ross and Rachel's turbulent relationship, is scared of commitment.

In this clip we see Chandler early on, before him and Monica fall in love. Chandler is dating Janice (Oh. My. Gawd.) and can't seem to commit.

So there we have it, people. Corey has actually always reminded me of Chandler. And it's good to joke around a little more with the whole situation.

And now, I'm off to class... ughhhh..

lmz

Fear of Commitment

What does it mean to have a fear of commitment? It is rooted in fear - fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. Commitment phobia is the "technical" term for someone who is scared to commit. Someone might be scared to commit for many reasons: fear of the unknown, fear of being with one person, fear of self-actualization and that something will actually work. When do you stop making excuses for someone who is scared to commit and go on with your life?


Someone who has a fear of commitment can talk the talk, but not walk the walk. He'll make plans for the future and say things like "when we're married" or "when you move in with me" but doesn't follow through. This quote I found exemplifies the exact way this works:

"It's easy to be seduced by pretty words, but unless there's follow-through in the end, you're left with nothing to hold onto but an empty promise." quote found here

I've gone back and forth, racked my brain, given up, been done and gone back with this guy. A simple search of my blog with the tag CH brings up all the posts about him. http://lmz87.blogspot.com/search/label/CH

 

My realization of the real issue here came to me this morning. After recollecting the events that occured last night, it hit me. He's scared to commit. He likes me - he says he likes me. I believe him.

 

We made plans to get pizza and have a low-key night. The plans were firmed up in the morning. At 4:30pm I got a text.

"you may not want to see me tonight. I just threw up." him

"that's on you, however you feel." me

"I'll let you know in the next half hour" him

I was pissed, angry, hurt, upset, sad. Mostly sad. I seem to be disappointed by his actions more times than not. I build it up to be something it's not and I'm left sad and heartbroken. But for some reason, I can't quit him. I don't know why.

I call him.

I don't want to waste the next 30 minutes questioning in my head if he actually is sick or if he's making excuses not to see me.

 

Had a quick convo.

Rescheduled.

I Said some rude things.

Hung up.

 

I texted.

 

"I'm sorry you're not feeling well but actually I rescind my offer for Sunday. i'm done with your excuses and I get that you're not interested. Good luck."

"Ok, but I'd rather be with you than throwing up. Sorry you don't believe me" him

"It isn't that I don't believe you I'm sure you're sick I'm just disappointed I really wanted to see you and have a normal night and I always get disappointed when I let myself get excited about seeing you something falls through. And you always put it on me, it's frusting and I'm sick of being let down."

 

In the past, when I freak out, he runs. He's gone. But he kept at it...

 

"How am I putting it on you?"

" "you might not want to see me" I don't care if you're sick I can understand not wanting go out to eat when you don't feel well but it's not like I'm a stranger or someone you've had two dates with. I've known you for over a year I am not scared of you not feeling well. Maybe you could try "why don't you come over here and hang out" would have been good"

 

After this he suggested that he picks me up from work and we hang out at my apartment. I went back and forth. I wanted to be firm, put my foot down and say NO I am done. But I wanted to see him. I was excited. I LIKE HIM.

 

{In his defense, he's a good guy. He's cute. He's tall, brown hair, brown eyes, amazing smile. Sense of humor. Great job, great life goals. Great family (from what he says). Can hold a conversation. My only drawback is that he wears cargo khaki's, but mostly just spite me}

 

He picked me up, told me he wanted to talk to me and it wasn't bad. We picked up pizza to go and went over to my best friend's apartment and we all watched a movie together. After the movie we went to my apartment and he spilled his heart to me. He told me he didn't want to never see me again, and he got that vibe from my texts. He told me he thinks I'm beautiful and amazing, smart and sexy.

 

I have concluded that it is fear to commit. But, how can you feel this way about someone and not want to "lock it down", seal the deal, etc? That's what I don't get... Maybe I'm just making more excuses than needed but I've researched fear of commitment, how to date someone with this fear and how to get them to open up and overcome their fears.

So for now, I go forward. I am guarded, I am not going to lie. I am numb to him since I haven't really opened up 100%. So what's next...

 

I'm not sure. I'll try to keep you posted.

lmz.

 



Dear Corey:

image from wehearit.com

Why must you continue to taunt me? You don't want to date me. You're clearly not interested in me. Don't email me. Maybe I should be stronger and not respond to your emails. Maybe I shouldn't initiate and email here and there. I clearly know you're bad news, seeing as how you've strung me along for all these months. Don't call me on my birthday (two times). Don't tell me you're going on a date tonight, because I really don't want to know. And don't tell me that you're not replacing me yet.


  





I'm a Crocus Hill kind of girl....



I don't know what to do, I mean I know we'll never be together. You're obsessed with crappy suburban towns, "little boxes on the hillside", strip malls, saving money, not going out and having a dry sense of humor. I like the city, and the country, but not a weird combination of the two, old buildings, not having a car, buying Coach purses and $8-per bottle nail polish. I like spending money to get my hair cut and colored versus your idea of just letting it grow until it's unmanageable and disgusting.



...not a little boxes kind of girl.




It's just blatant that nothing would transpire long-term between us. For some reason, I'm still drawn to you. Is it because you're kind of ass? Because you front SO hard, like you're just this heartless man, but I know deep down inside, and you have shown this side to me, that you're sweet and caring.  

  

But what I ask is that you please, just stop contacting me. And if I fall of the train and contact you, don't respond. Don't feed the fire. Because, for some reason, no matter what you do, how much you tell me nothing will happen, we'll never go anywhere, you add little tricks in there and tell me how beautiful, smart, amazing, funny, cute, sweet, sexy, awesome I am and bring me right back to square 1.

Sincerely,


Leah



Apparently I'm not long-term relationship material

I tried to keep quiet about it over the weekend but when I get really excited about things, I can't hold them in! I ended up having 2 dates with this guy, MT. I had sort of decided I was done dating all together and not making any effort on my online dating. I received a message on Friday and he seemed normal so I asked if he wanted to meet for coffee.

We met for coffee and that turned into going rollerskating with two of his friends! It was a blast! I was so refreshed that a nice, normal guy was around! He dropped me off, gave me a hug and said we'd chat soon. We ended up having a 2nd date on Sunday evening. Again, a great time! More relaxed, dinner, walk and a beer on a patio. We had great conversation and I thought there was a great spark there. We left it that we'd be in touch throughout the week but should go to karaoke on Thursday evening.

I refrained from texting on Monday (didn't want to be annoying. BTW, I hate dating rules) and he ended up texting me! We had a good text convo on Monday night. Tuesday I emailed him. I didn't hear back all day long but I wasn't too concerned since it was after Labor Day, most people are pretty busy. I was CRAZY busy at work that day!

Later in the day I got an e-mail response from him. He said he has spent a lot of time thinking about it and decided he wanted to "expand our friendship". He then proceeded to explain that our distance (30 miles) and the fact I didn't have a car (I'm a city cat!) has led him to this decision. He said he doesn't see a long-term relationship happening with me. He then said he wants me to be his city tour-guide in the future. (You can drive the 20 minutes to STP for me to show you around but you can't drive the 20 minutes to date me?)

It was towards the end of my work day when I got the email. Of course I had gushed to my co-workers about my amazing dates and how I was excited to "not screw this one up". Picture 3 women, hovering over my desk, reading my response, saying "just be friends! He'll fall in love with you!' and my best friend on the phone saying, "Leah! You're the rule! Not the exception! Tough cookies! If he doesn't like me now, he's not going to like you in 6 months!"

I ended up replying that it was fine, thanks for being honest, but if it's OK I'd like to take a couple days and think on it before I decide! Because, here I was, so excited and jazzed up for a nice, normal, TALL, cute, funny, CATHOLIC boy, right?! He texted and said that was fine and he wanted me to know that he thinks I'm really great, awesome, cute, etc. but the whole car thing just makes it seem easier to be friends.

I got to thinking about the whole, "I don't see myself in a long-term relationship" with you. And the last couple of guys I had more than 2 dates with told me the same thing!

Corey: We had our first couple dates in September 2009, got busy and stopped talking, then started again in January. I chose to date Luke (more below) instead after Corey told me he was emotionless & heartless. Corey and I ended up dating from mid-March to mid-August. One night Corey told me that he thinks I'm great, beautiful, smart, funny and amazing BUT... didn't see anything long-term because I am too emotional and I want to make my life in the city (versus he wants the suburbs)

Luke: We dated from late January 2010 through early March 2010. It was good! I was really happy, we were really happy. Out of the blue one night he said he that he was breaking up with me because he couldn't give me what I needed: I needed too much affirmation (he wasn't one to give compliments) and he didn't see anything long-term.

So looking at the track record, I begin to question myself. Apparently I'm not LTR material. But I'm also not short-term relationship material? Or are they saying that because I'm not LTR material, why waste time with a STR?

I suppose I can see where they're coming from. I actually told another guy I spent some time with that I didn't see it going anywhere. Which was 100% true, we didn't really have that much in common and I just didn't get that "spark". I do give MT and Luke props for not dragging it out like Corey did, in the end making the hurt worse. Props to guys that can be real and honest. Thank you those guys that have enough guts to let a girl down gently versus being a complete ass about it. Here it's more of a sting; you get up, dust off, and try again. I fully intend to dust myself off and try again.

this is sort of irrelevant but good, nonetheless.

It's all about the lessons learned. 2010 has been quite the learning year for me. Through all of this I've learned so much about who I am and what I ultimately need in a relationship. For now I'm back to not actively pursuing dating and focusing on all of things I've got going on in my life!

Until next time,

LMZ

Don't let me go.

Maybe I am just being nostalgic or maybe I'm being emo. It's my birthday tomorrow...to me, a birthday, is a birthday. It's a day. I mean, yeah, I'm another year older, whoop de do. I guess it sort of hit me that I haven't had a boyfriend in a whole year. I've dated, and the most recent of that is obviously as we know, Corey. Corey's birthday was in May. I made him dinner and we went for a walk and watched a movie. To me, his birthday was quite meaningful. Actually, to both of us it was meaningful, and he did express to me. Corey and I are speaking terms, I even hung out with him like 2 weeks ago... and I won't even get an acknowledgement of the fact it's my birthday, and it hurts... is that wrong? [I obviously spoke too soon. a) my birthday isn't until tomorrow and b) as I was composing this I got an email from him....

Hope you're doing well and you're looking forward to your birthday tomorrow.

I am not going to sit and overanalyze it. Yup, I am doing well. Yes, I am looking forward to my birthday. That is all on that subject. ] 

I think what may have gotten me is this: I was at dinner with my cousin & his wife, for her birthday. They're older, in their mid-30's. My aunt asked A what her favorite birthday has been and she shared that since her and T started dating, her birthdays have been better since she's had someone to celebrate with. She also said she wouldn't re-live her 20's for anything {so i've heard from a lot my older friends].

It's my first birthday as a single girl! I can already hear it....

all the single ladies

all the single ladies

put your hands up

...cause if you like it then you shoula put a ring on it

lmz

"since you're over me now, can we be friends?"

I've been thinking lately about being friends with exes after the break up. In general, it's frowned upon. It seems like everywhere you go and whatever you do after a break up is consumed with the relationship: the [over] analyzing it, sad break up songs, missing them, wanting them back, getting back together, only to break up again. In general, I'm not friends after a break up. I've had the "it's not you, it's me, but I still want to be your friend" break up. I've had the messy break up that doesn't really end, and I've had the "we just don't have enough in common, but let's still be friends" break up. That's the most recent, actually. With CH. Although I call it a break up, we were never "official" (labels could be a whole other blog). We don't have enough in common to sustain a relationship, but we can create a friendship? We weren't even friends to begin with. So how can we be friends, after jumping into a 'dating' relationship? All of the these things. I think being friends with an ex has pros and cons.

I recently had to tell an ex (D) that I couldn't be in his life right now. This is one big relationship, and way back on my blog most posts are about our relationship. We had a rocky relationship, but it was good overall. He (and his family) has been pivotal in my life. When I told him, he cried. I was quite surprised. I've gone back and forth with him, we had a brief 'should we try this again' during the Fall of 2009. I thought it was all great until he told me he met someone and was going to date her. I was crushed. We didn't speak until they were on the rocks. They've since broken up and he's dating someone else (serial monogamous, much?). He's always the one that's told me you need to be single after a break up, "re discover" yourself and that crap. Everything pretty fine and dandy, he was casually dating her, I was casually dating CH, and we were spending time together. (We actually all hung out one time. That was awkward. This was also the first night CH brought me back to his place.)

Then he told me he's exclusive with the new girl. I was okay with it. I spent the weekend with his family at their cabin (I'm close to the family). That really solidified the fact I couldn't be friends with him. I thought I could, but hearing him be mushy gushy on the phone to her, wondering if he was texting her, all the while he's being affectionate with me? Not fair. He can't have his cake, and eat it too. When I told D that I couldn't spend time with him his automatic accusation was because I wasn't in a relationship. That is only a teeny bit true, but mostly I didn't (and don't) agree with his relationship. He just got out of a pretty intense relationship and it's not even over and he's dating someone else? Not to mention she's super sweet and hasn't been in a relationship. He's (I feel) using her as a pawn in his life for something I'm not quite sure of. They have different views on a couple major issues. It just doesn't seem right to me. So I've decided no, I can't have him around. 


Back to CH. I emailed him to let him know I was doing OK after his "we can't be together, I don't see myself with you, you're too emotional and moody" talk on Thursday [8-12-10, while I'm in excruciating pain the night before a root canal]. When he left I was crying and a bit of a mess (ugh).



Anyhow, he says, well, since you're over me, can we be friends now? I responded and told him, no. I didn't want to be his friend. Why would I be friends with someone that wasn't my friend before our dating experience? And the nail in the coffin? A few weeks ago I had a very stressful afternoon at work. I was even more stressed and upset when I got home only to be locked out of my apartment. I wanted to sit on my stoop, smoke a pack of Marb's and listen to sad music. I sent CH a text saying, "I had a really bad day. I need a hug. Come over after class?". Never responded. I'm sorry but if you're my friend and I tell you I'm stressed and upset, you respond with a simple text or a call. You can even Slydial me. The next day I inquired and he stated, "no big deal, just went out after class." So, no. If you can't come to rescue when I'm upset. I can't be your friend.

Even on TV - Carrie & Mr. Big; Ross & Rachel... they can't even remain friends. One always feels something for the other, and even though they have other relationships and marriages, they end up together. Is society drilling into our heads that once it's over, it's never really over?

 

I guess the bottom line is, if there's a history there, or still something going on, you can't be friends. This is just my opinion. If a relationship ends rough or not 'mutually' I almost don't see a point. I think it's individual discretion.

Until next time in single girl world,

LMZ.

Well the truth, well it hurts to say
I'm gonna pack up my bags and I'm gonna go away
I'm gonna split, I can't stand it

I'm gonna give it up and quit and aint never coming back
-jerrod niemann, lover lover