isn't it ironic?

when i was dating crazy joey, one of the main reasons i wanted to break up was because of his family. they hated me, we couldn't have a conversation and they acted like children. That made it a lot easier to break up with him, there was no emotional attachment, in fact, they had me running for the hills.

now, as i find myself on a break [again] from david, all i keep thinking about is his family, and that i keep wanting to hang onto HIM because his family is, in a word, amazing. Since i've met them, i've been treated as one of them. i have never felt awkward, i'm always invited to dinner and am more than willing to help whenever it's needed. I look up to his mom, on a personal and professional level. and not only his immediate family, but his extended family, too. grandparents, cousins, 2nd cousins...i find it all ironic. how in one situation, someone's family can cause you to run, and in another, it's what's keeping you there.

as for my own family, i mean, we're close, but not horribly. i guess i can attribute that to a few reasons. for one, there's my dad. i mean, i know his name, and his e-mail address, but beyond that, i don't know anything. i never have. that's kind of a reason i'm afraid to start another relationship [although that's a total backburner thought] because honestly, i think i'm ashamed. ashamed of the fact i don't have a relationship with my father, that i'm a bastard child. growing up i've always known it was not a big deal but as i become an adult, i always wonder, why doesn't my dad want to know me? i'm his offspring, right? how can you live your life not wanting to know about that person? just knowing they exsist and what they do isn't enough for me. i'd want to KNOW the person. you know, the good stuff. i guess i'll probably always hold that resentment, that now that i'm adult, it seems to me that they'd want not know me. guess not. oh well.

as i told a friend, i need to 'put on my big girl pants' and get over it, and move on. i love david-i always will-but i'm sick of fighting every time we're together, of feeling like i'm walking on eggshells, constantly, and everything i do is wrong. i'm sick of being treated like a child. so, i'm moving on.

i joined a new gym. i'm hoping to go 3-4 times a week, do a few cycling classes, maybe some yoga. i'm re-doing my room at my grandma's. i'm reading a few good books, and am determined to finish sex and the city [on the 2nd disc of season 6]. i deleted all and any phone numbers related to david from my cell phone and directory at work.

the funny thing is, we're not even broken up. we're 'on a break'. what does that mean, anyway? i mean i'm the one who initiated it so you think i'd know what it meant? to me, it means, i don't want to hear from or see YOU for 3 weeks. And then when 3 weeks is up, if i've found i can't live without you, we go from there. i'm too young to be worried about the rest of my life. i need to live for each day. i'm not looking for a new boyfriend, i'm not even looking for a date. i'm looking for myself, i want to find MYSELF, and i want to do it alone. without the judgement of another person.


"I'm someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." -carrie bradshaw

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