overload

I'm beginning to feel a mental breakdown coming on. I feel so overloaded. Classes are really busy, work is really busy, and everyone seems to need support. I'm happy to give support but I wonder where I'll turn when I need it?

Stay tuned...

Leah

[*b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l*]

Here are some photos from Gooseberry from a couple weekends ago. The fall colors were so beautiful.

Me, Kylee and Kelly

it's too late for you and your white horse

So Duluth was fun. Crazy, but fun. We had at Gooseberry on Saturday. It was beautiful. Kelly's boyfriend is great, we really liked him.

OK, really busy at work. AhhH!!!

One of those...

I turned on the Christmas music today at work, my favorite. The only thing is that it makes me realize how much I hate the holiday season....With it just around the corner, I am not exactly looking forward to it. Last year at this time, I was getting ready to move out...David and I were off again/on again (typical for that relationship). I just know when this season comes around, I want a boyfriend. I guess I wouldn't say boyfriend as much as I start to feel really..needy. Maybe it's because of my family 'situation' (which I really wouldn't justify as a situation, per say), and the fact that a) we're not really that close and b)the holidays are usually more depressing being around them then they are happy...

I am going to Duluth this weekend. I'm taking the Greyhound (aka Kelly Schmitz express bus) on Friday night. Saturday will be spent at Gooseberry Falls, followed by a night 'on the town', aka at Grandma's Bar & Saloon. I am hoping CJ (Crazy Joey) doesn't hunt me down, and I am going to be sure not to let him find out I'm in town. Which may be difficult. Sunday will just be relaxed, recovering from the night before. I get to meet my E, who is Kelly's BF (his name is Erik but he's always been referred to as E by us girlies, so there it is!). Kelly is one of my best friends, and I have yet to met her significant other! And it's been since this summer, too!! So I am going to be sure to put on my nice girl pants and try to not make him think I'm a creeper, which I actually am, Haha.

This week is going to be busy...I have a mid term tomorrow night for communications...I haven't studied yet, so I will have to do that tonight..I have to clean my place, it's pretty messy. Thursday I have to do homework for science so I don't fall too far behind...Next Monday will be spent at the library finishing my science work which is due on Tuesday the 21st at midnight.

Back to life in general, now that I am really, actually single, I am feeling good about it. I am having a hard time adjusting to not having someone to call to go out for a quick bite, or to a movie, or for a walk..but I think in time I'll get use to the solidarity. As much as I hate to say, because I pride myself on being independent and thinking for and doing everything for myself (which could be, and has been, interpreted as selfish) I think I have attachment issues. As I get older, I realize that I am needy. I am always wanting to have someone, particularily a boyfriend, around. I started dating Joey in Feb 2005. We broke up in October of 2006, a week later I started dating David, and we broke up (for good) in the end of September/early October 2008. We're looking at 3+ years in a relationship here...That's a lot to go from having to having nothing. It's easy for me to 'do my thing': go to work, go home, study, go out with girls on the weekend, but the hard part is not having just one person who I know cares, who I know wants to know what's going on in my life...I think no matter how I try to fill it, no matter who (in terms of men) I allow into my life, I feel jaded. So, for this time, in my life, I am going to embrace the fact I'm not tied down; the fact I don't have anyone to answer to. I'm young, I'm single, I'm more happy than not. And because I'm holding out for the one. I am not going to settle just anyone. I will not crawl back to the one I thought was the one, but was to naive and weak to ever leave.

lmz

And I don't need you
And guess what
I'm havin more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright
I'm just fine
And you're a tool so
So what

new tattoo (?)

I really want another tattoo....I have an idea of what I what I just don't know where I want it. I was thinking the chinese symbol for independence, and on the back of my neck, or on my wrist. Or else I want a meaningful quote or something. I just haven't found a quote that is so meaninful I want it on my body forever. Maybe, live laugh love, or no regrets, or something. Ideas? Help help! I will for sure go to Randall at Visual Addiction, cause he's hottttt.

Rascal Flatts was..OK. Taylor Swift was AWESOME, I love her. My favorite song is for sure "Picture to Burn" --> "Cause I hate that stupid old pick up truck you never let me drive, you're a redneck heartbreak who's really bad at lying. So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time. As far as I'm concerned you're just another picture to burn."

everything will change, but *love* remains the same.

under your stars forever...

the best reason for living alone and not having to answer to anyone: being able to go out at 10pm with NO QUESTIONS asked. =)

Last night I practiced wii bowling with Jen and Demetri. We're having a tournament @ work in the end of october so I need to work on my skills, since the winner gets amazing seats to a wild game! I learned that Wii bowling is way better with a vodka cranberry. What's better after a VC than a Gin and Tonic? My favorite drink EVER. Long story short: bedtime @ 4am, up all night talking and making new friends (not with J & D!) and still feeling those last few g&t's in at 6am! ;) Only cause it's Friday am I making it through the day!

Rascal Flatts/Taylor Swift concert tonight!! JASON MRAZ ON NOVEMBER 20TH! =)

life is good.

lmz*

Dont let your life wrap up around you
Dont forget to call, whenever
Ill be here just waiting for you
Ill be under your stars forever
Neither here nor there just right beside you

Skittles.

Yum! I love skittles. I'm obsessed. Except when I put like 6 in my mouth and my phone @ work rings and I have to answer it!! Red ones are the best.

I just moved into my little place on Grand and I'm so in love with it. I love being alone, and not having to answer to anyone. The location is perfect-close to work, close to the bar, close to food, and shops. I love it. Tonight I have a lot of homework to do. I have to go on a nature walk. I am kind of excited about it because I get to check out my neighborhood more.

Only an hour left of work, thank god.

PS I know this is boring but I have nothing good to say!!!!

ahh!

OK SO Big news! Moving out on October 1st! Although I am very excited, I have many other emotions going on as well! Well first let me explain: I found an ad for the top level of a house for rent. I went and checked it out, and it's really nice. It's on Grand Avenue, near downtown, but also close to Dale St, so close to the good parts of Grand (aka the bars). The house is beautiful! I have the 3rd level which includes my own bathroom, a bedroom and a big living area. I have a shared kitchen, which is a really nice kitchen. The woman who lives there is nice, and it's just her, her daughters are there every other week. So it is a good step before next summer when I'll hopefully move into my *own* place. I think I'm feeling nervous about whole finances thing. I know I can it, that's not my concern, it's just that I've never really had such a big bill before!! I know I'll be OK, like I said, I am probably just freaking out and over analyzing! *sigh*

Happy hour in an hour for work! Wahooo! I love being 21! =)

Happy Birthday to Me!

I had my 21st birthday on Monday! I went out to lunch with David at W.A. Frost's and didn't even get carded when I ordered a mimosa!! Then I went out to downtown MPLS with a group of girls. We enjoyed a nice dinner at Zelo, and went to a couple bars downtown then headed over to Grand Ave area.

::love.my.life::

Girl you got me going
Yeah I think you know it
Oh I'm ready for this ride
So come on take my hand
Cuz only you, you understand
How to kick this feeling into
Drive all night with me
Sing my favorite song and sleep
Under the stars on the hood of our car
It's all I've ever wanted
All I ever wanted was to
See you in the pale moon light
Just the way ya look tonight
And maybe some day
If love comes our way
We'll be walking in the meadow in the early spring
You'll be twirling in a sundress wearing my ring
Can you see it
Girl I believe em that
It's true
All I ever wanted
All I ever really wanted was you
If life is what you make it
Here's my chance ill take it
You know I wanna make you mine
I have this picture in my mind
You were in it all the time
So baby hold on tight
And drive all night with me
Sing my favorite song and sleep
Under the stars on the hood of our car
It's all I've ever wanted
All I ever wanted was to
See you in the pale moon light
Just the way ya look tonight
And maybe some day
If love comes our way
We'll be walking in the meadow in the early spring
You'll be twirling in a sundress wearing my ring
Can you see it
Girl I believe em that
It's true
All I ever wanted
All I ever really wanted was you
All I ever wanted
Was to see you in the pale moon light
Just the way ya look tonight
And maybe some day
If love comes our way
We'll be walking in the meadow in the early spring
You'll be twirling in a sundress wearing my ring
Can you see it
Girl I believe em that
It's true
All I ever wanted
All I ever really wanted was you

it's simple.

"I'm someone who is looking for love.

Real love.

Ridiculous,

inconvenient,

consuming,

can't-live-without-each-other love."

~Carrie Bradshaw

=P

Girl you're beautiful
You're 'bout near perfect
But I bet somebody's already told you that
Name your poison
Name your passion
Cause a boy like me just couldn't help but ask
Keep on talking to me baby
I'm hanging on your every word
Keep those drinks a coming maybe
We'll both get what we deserve

How 'bout baby
We make a promise
To not promise anything more than one night
Complicated situations
Only get worse in the morning light
Hey I'm just lookin' for a good time

Put in a long hard week doing this 9 to 5
And you're just the girl to get that off my mind
You shouldn't 've worn that dress
You shouldn't dance like that
You got this little heart of mine in overdrive
I sure love this conversation
The band is good, the music's loud
But would you get the wrong impression
If I called us a cab right now

How 'bout baby
We make a promise
To not promise anything more than one night
Complicated situations
Only get worse in the morning light
Hey I'm just lookin' for a good time

Go ahead and lie to me and pull me close
Tell me that you love me even if you don't
The rule is don't you ever even talk about forever
But you never say never in life

Hey I'm just lookin' for a good time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HK-Rs-8k1K8

I love my lifeeee!!!! =P

*[already_gone]*

So I broke up with David one week ago yesterday. The first week was going OK. Now it's starting to get worse. I try to keep myself busy, really busy. I've been going to the gym faithfully every night. I've been reading different books, getting together with old friends. But for some reason, it's always in the back of head that breaking up with him was wrong of me. I feel like I'm missing something...I am sure this something normal that everyone goes through when they break up. I didn't expect to be HAPPY but also didn't expect to be so..sad..I mean I know I did the right thing, that's not the problem. It's just the fact that I am spending my weekends totally and completely alone. It's not having my best friend, and I know being friends just isn't an option. I am really hoping that I can continue to grieve the loss of a friend, and a special relationship while continuing to go on with my life.

On a lighter note, spin class kicked my ass last night. I seriously was sweating so much I felt like I just took a shower [kind of gross, but good, those are all calories burned!!]. I am looking forward to this weekend. I wish the mechanic would call me back, I want him to look at my car, and I want to get it fixed. Grandma said he's probably on vacation or something. I am going to be hanging out with Logan one day, taking him to get a haircut and probably buying him some new shoes & clothes for school. I also am getting very excited for my classes to start. I know I'll be saying I hate them in about a month.

OH YEAH it's almost my 21st b-day!! Yayyy!

OK, back to work.

lmz*

The last time I saw him, we packed up my things
And he smiled like the first time he told me his name
And we cried with each other
We split the blame for the parts that we couldn’t change
Pictures, dishes and socks
It's our whole life down to one box
There he was waving goodbye on the front porch alone

...But I was already gone

"already gone" by Sugarland

Recap

Kelly on the phone with the power company (we lost power)..& Harry the hampster!

Last weekend, I went to Duluth. It was a lot of fun! I visited my friend, Kelly. I'll put up some pics!

lift bridge in Duluth

Kel & the boys, walking down the pier.

/b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l.\

grandma's flowers::6.17.2008

I'm ready.

I'm ready for the next step. I'm ready for this. As I was laying in bed last night, I got excited thinking about all the things I'm going to do. Spending time with myself. Not answering to anyone. Going to the gym when I'm bored. Buying a new shirt, just because. Yes, I'll be sad, possibly devastated, but honestly, that's so much better than the way I was feeling before. I ready to stop feeling like a basketcase, and start feeling in control, of everything, my life, my emotions, my finances. A grown up. That's how I feel. I don't feel like a child. I won't feel like a child anymore.

& I'm ready for that. So, so...ready.

lmz*
//it's not always rainbows && butterflies::it's compromise that moves us along\\

isn't it ironic?

when i was dating crazy joey, one of the main reasons i wanted to break up was because of his family. they hated me, we couldn't have a conversation and they acted like children. That made it a lot easier to break up with him, there was no emotional attachment, in fact, they had me running for the hills.

now, as i find myself on a break [again] from david, all i keep thinking about is his family, and that i keep wanting to hang onto HIM because his family is, in a word, amazing. Since i've met them, i've been treated as one of them. i have never felt awkward, i'm always invited to dinner and am more than willing to help whenever it's needed. I look up to his mom, on a personal and professional level. and not only his immediate family, but his extended family, too. grandparents, cousins, 2nd cousins...i find it all ironic. how in one situation, someone's family can cause you to run, and in another, it's what's keeping you there.

as for my own family, i mean, we're close, but not horribly. i guess i can attribute that to a few reasons. for one, there's my dad. i mean, i know his name, and his e-mail address, but beyond that, i don't know anything. i never have. that's kind of a reason i'm afraid to start another relationship [although that's a total backburner thought] because honestly, i think i'm ashamed. ashamed of the fact i don't have a relationship with my father, that i'm a bastard child. growing up i've always known it was not a big deal but as i become an adult, i always wonder, why doesn't my dad want to know me? i'm his offspring, right? how can you live your life not wanting to know about that person? just knowing they exsist and what they do isn't enough for me. i'd want to KNOW the person. you know, the good stuff. i guess i'll probably always hold that resentment, that now that i'm adult, it seems to me that they'd want not know me. guess not. oh well.

as i told a friend, i need to 'put on my big girl pants' and get over it, and move on. i love david-i always will-but i'm sick of fighting every time we're together, of feeling like i'm walking on eggshells, constantly, and everything i do is wrong. i'm sick of being treated like a child. so, i'm moving on.

i joined a new gym. i'm hoping to go 3-4 times a week, do a few cycling classes, maybe some yoga. i'm re-doing my room at my grandma's. i'm reading a few good books, and am determined to finish sex and the city [on the 2nd disc of season 6]. i deleted all and any phone numbers related to david from my cell phone and directory at work.

the funny thing is, we're not even broken up. we're 'on a break'. what does that mean, anyway? i mean i'm the one who initiated it so you think i'd know what it meant? to me, it means, i don't want to hear from or see YOU for 3 weeks. And then when 3 weeks is up, if i've found i can't live without you, we go from there. i'm too young to be worried about the rest of my life. i need to live for each day. i'm not looking for a new boyfriend, i'm not even looking for a date. i'm looking for myself, i want to find MYSELF, and i want to do it alone. without the judgement of another person.

lmz*

"I'm someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." -carrie bradshaw

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

THE WORLD 'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said: 'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping,
dancing, camping, drank wine, always had a clean house, never had
to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get
fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all
the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched
sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had
high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in
sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

The End

Refreshing, relaxing & amazing!

I got back yesterday from my week long vacation. It was so, so, so AMAZING. It went SO fast, though! David and I went to his parent's cabin. We arrived on Monday morning, well around lunch time. We went into Rice Lake (nearby town) and had lunch. We went to Herberger's and Menard's, too. David and his mom had golf lessons in Spooner on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I went golfing on Tuesday. I wasn't too good. Wednesday I was alone at

the cabin, and that was nice. I got up and had breakfast with Dave and Betty and then after they left took a nap til noon with Chester! I went to the driving range, hit some balls. Just relaxed. There was a bear who came to visit us...that was really scary. And a racoon in the boat. I didn't like him too much. David and I were going to go to Prop's, a restaurant on the other end of the lake, but we (I) was too scared to ride in the boat with the racoon stuck in the storage area! So we put the boat back and

drove to Pine Ridge, a nice restaurant on Lake Sissabagama, about 10 mins away. I had baked ziti, Dave had a bunch of fish..oysters? No, Escargot..and scallops. It was yummy! It was amazing. I finished one book (I brought 4!!) called "Good in Bed' by Jennifer Weiner, I recommened it! Also I just started reading "True Believer" by Nicholas Sparks and I will probably finish it tonight!! I'd love to write more but I haven't been at work for a week, so I need to get back to
work! Gotta love PAID time off!!

*lmz

I don't want to get up baby let's turn off the phone

I don't want to go to work today or even put my make-up on

I got better things to do than my to do list anyway

hide under the covers and waste away the day

let's just lay here and be lazy, baby drive me crazy

Catchin' Up!

I haven't written in a while, so, here goes nothing!

Work is same old, same old. Sucks sitting in a cube all day when it's so, so nice out like it has been the past week or so but it's fine. I enjoy the weekends more.

I've read a lot of good books the past few weeks since school's been out. I miss school!! I can't WAIT for my classes this fall, I'm so excited! Well, more for communications than science, but whatever. It has to get done!

I don't know anything else....

lmz