If you just realize...

Take time to realize that your warmth is crashing down on in.
Take time to realize that I am on your side.
Didn't I, didn't I tell you?
But I can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple.
No I can't spell it out for you.
If you just realize what I just realized, then we'd be perfect for eachother, and we'll never find another.
Just realize what I just realized, we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now.

Am I wrong and totally selfish? Because I hate feeling like doing something that I want soo bad is ruining my life and relationship. Apparently I'm selfish for wanting to live on my own when I'm 20...and I should be able to make a relationship work for myself. That's not possible. I am so sick of being emotionally screwed that I could scream and cry. I don't want to feel like I'm doing something wrong, because I'm not. I've already sacrificed part of my life and have given up any kind of social life or freedom to work full time, and it sucks.
I'd rather sleep until 9am and go to class at 10am and working a part time job. But that's not how it works, I can't do that. I mean, I could, but I really don't want to deal with what goes along with it..being broke and living at home. Being told I'm selfish for moving out of my boyfriend's is wrong. For some reason, he's the ONLY one who thinks it's selfish. I get so many people saying "That's awesome, I'm proud of you, good job". But the one person who's supposed to be there says the opposite. Maybe he's the selfish one....I mean, does he think about why I want to move out? Because I can't stand coming to someone laying on the couch, because he makes me sick watching TV all the time, because I can't leave for work crying in the morning because he was crabby and couldn't find his fucking toothbrush or glasses. That is why.
On top of the fact that it's just wrong. I want a 'normal' relationship, and I thought moving out could make it a little better, maybe get it back to how it was the few days I knew him before moving in. But now it's the opposite. I'm now alone. Fine by me. I mean I'm sad, and it sucks, but you know what, I'll be fine. I'm strong. And that's another thing. Sara and I were emailing today and she brought up a good fact. Men can't handle strong women.
They are intimidated by women who are smart and independent and don't need them for every fucking thing. They can't stand feeling inferior. I'm never going to get married. Or have kids (well, that's fine. I don't want any). I'm going to be 35 with a lot of cats and no man. I don't need a man, but...I'd like one. I'd like one who can handle me...and I just don't think it's going to happen. Not holding my breath. Oh well. I'm going to enjoy my youth and not be bitter.
On a brighter note, still doing well in classes-I'm taking 3 next semester, all online. And my brother Justin is going to be moved from Rochester to Minnetonka soon, which is awesome. It will be way easier to be in contact with him a lot more when he's so close.


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