Friday night
I'm going nowhere
All the lights are changing green to red
Turning over TV stations
Situations running through my head
Well looking back through time
You know it's clear that I've been blind
I've been a fool
To ever open up my heart
To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule

Saturday I'm running wild
And all the lights are changing red to green
Moving through the crowd I'm pushing
Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream
Only wish that you were here
You know I'm seeing it so clear
I've been afraid
To tell you how I really feel
Admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made

If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Babylon, Babylon

Sunday all the lights of London
Shining , Sky is fading red to blue
I'm kicking through the Autumn leaves
And wondering where it is you might be going to
Turning back for home
You know I'm feeling so alone
I can't believe
Climbing on the stair
I turn around to see you smiling there
In front of me

If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Babylon, Babylon, Babylon

Probably

It's probably still best that we're broken up, but I think there are going to be stages I have to through before I am fully healed. The first I feel like is anger. I was very angry regarding the whole situation. The lies, the deceit. I was mad. And that is what made it easy to be gone. And now I'm starting to feel the second stage, which is...I can't quite pinpoint the emotion...I'm sad, but I wouldn't call it 'sad' because I know that I am doing the right thing. I think maybe it's the letting go stage? Letting go of everything, the fact I won't be spending the summer at the lake with his family, the fact we won't be sitting out on the boat every weekend and spending Sunday golfing together. I have to try to remember the anger and the hurt, the bad things, to keep me from going back. I haven't talked to David since Monday. It doesn't seem like that long but each day drags on. I feel like each day is better than the last, but inside I know I'm not OK. But I know I don't want to go back to that. I can't. I can't be made to feel like I'm a basketcase with no control of my emotions. I haven't even begun to THINK about how I'll spend the rest of the summer at Grandma's...doing nothing each night expect walking around Como and reading a book. Maybe that's relaxing, though. Maybe I can spend more time with me...maybe I can spend more time not being dependent on someone else. That's what I can try. I need to stay positive. It's hard, I'll admit that, and I think today's really the first day I'm feeling vunerable. I'm feeling like I'm ready to give in at any minute, and that's not OK.

Gone.

There's gone for good, and there's good and gone
And there's gone with the long before it
I wish she'd been just a little more clear.
Well, there's gone for the day and gone for the night
And gone for the rest of your dog-gone life.
Is it a whiskey night, or just a couple beers?I
mean what kinda' gone are we talkin' 'bout here?

I looked at your face
I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time
I saw that you couldn't care less about what you do
You couldn't care less about the lies
You couldn't find the time to cry
We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us
Now our love's floating out the window
Our love's floating out the back door
Our love's floating up in the sky
In heaven, where it began
Back in God's hands
You said that you had said all that you had to say
You say 'baby, it's the end of the day'We gave a lot but it wasn't enough
We got so tired that we just gave up
Now our love's floating out the window
Our love's floating out the back door
Our love's floating up in the sky
In heaven, where it began
Back in God's hands, back in God's hands
We didn't respect it
We went and neglect it
We didn't deserve it
But I never expected this
Our love floated out the window
Our love floated out the back door
Our love floated up in the sky
To heaven, it's part of a plan
It's back in God's hands, back in God's hands
Oh, we didn't last, it's a thing of the past
No we didn't understand just what we had

UGH!

I hate St. Kate's. That school SUCKS. They won't release my transcript unitl I don't owe them anything anymore. Keep in mind I'm PAYING them every month until November!!! SO I can't transfer in the fall, I have to stick out one more semester at St Paul College. And Ihate that. It makes me so upset. All of the classes I want to take, they aren't offered @ night. SO, when am I supposed to go to class? At 2pm on Thursday??? I WISH!! But I can't.

We didn't get the apartment. I was pretty bummed out. There is another really nice one on the same block, it's alot nicer inside than this, granite countertops, dishwasher, washer, dryer..but it's $1,000/month. We can afford that. We can't come up with $1,000 for the deposit. And then pay rent for two places for the month of June. It's too much. It sucks.

I had a job interview yesterday. It's here @ Securian. In the Claims department, a claims examiner. The interview went well, I would like the job a lot, it seems like something I'd be really good at. But, there are 8 other internal applicants. So, that pretty much leaves me at the bottom, with the least experience, yada yada. Oh well. Looks like I'm stuck =(

I am feeling a little like negative nancy. I am just pissed. Why can't things just be easy. Why can't Metro State admit me without my grades from st kate's because they are shitty anyways and I don't really want to transfer those credits, because the grades are so fucking bad. Ugh...>!>>!>>!>!

lmz

The Most Perfect Apartment in the Entire World...

...And I can't let it slip away!!!!

David and I have been looking at apartments lately and we're looking for at least a 1 bedroom, under $1,000 a month in our neighborhood, preferably more than 800 sq feet....and we looked at a couple really nice ones, but they were smaller than ours right now and $200/month more! So, I was browsing craigslist yesterday and happened to see a 1BR off Laurel & Dale-across the street from a school and baseball field, in an old brownstone building. Get this. Dishwasher. In Unit Washer and Dryer. 1100 square feet. LESS THAN WE'RE PAYING NOW! Umm..why you may ask? Because it's been on the market for almost 2 years and hasn't sold. So, as of June 1 it's coming off the market and going up for rent. So I have been emailing the current owner who needs to rent it out and we're going look on Friday night. The bad thing is that David can't get out of his lease until July 1, 2008. The good news is that I can afford this place on my own for a month...What I want to do is go in there tomorrow, hand her $1,200 for deposit + 1st month rent and sign a lease. It's so perfect. I can't believe it. This NEEDS to work out, it just has to. We haven't come across anything this perfect yet, and we are most definetley needing space to move. This place is a 1br, 1 bath but has a living room, informal dining room and formal dining room. And a fireplace. And it's in a brownstone. Hello?! What do I need to do to get this place!! I am sure it's going to rented really soon, and I don't want that. I can't let this slip away. I think I'll cry. Oh man...How am I going to pull this off?! Ahh!!!!!!!!

lmz

Update...

It's amazing what a difference one person can make. Let's just say the past two days a certain someone @ work hasn't been here. O.M.G. life is so much better. Not only the peace and quiet and no b*tching from this person, but no drama. My day goes by SO much faster, and I feel like I'm DOING a better job. Is that horrible? I really don't think so. Umm...life..what's new..Ooo..I got my car back. Since David's working in Mendota Heights at the Country Club he needs it, not exactly a hop skip and bus ride away. Granted it's only like 6 miles, at the most, but yeah. I love Trixie. No problems so far!! She's running really smooth!!! It would be a really easy bike ride, down the hill over the high bridge to Dodd Road and then that all the way there. But, as previously stated in my blog the weather has been anything but cooperative (snow this weekend. Seriously?!?). Let's see...school. I have been slacking and I will admit that. I have an Ethics paper due Monday by 11pm as well as an exam for Nutrition open Monday from 6am-Midnight. Options: get up early and do my exam before work, go to work til2:30 go to the dentist for my final installment of my tooth and a new filling OR go to work like I normally do and go to the dentist for above mentioned work then go home home and do my test...Hmm. My paper will be written this weekend so I don't have to do it on Monday. My very intellectual and intelligent boyfriend will be assisting me with my Ethics paper. I am not as 'worldly' as he is, if that's the right word. He's just, smart. Really smart. SO he's helping me. Maintains both our sanity levels :) Hum de do...David and I have been going to Spin class. An intense workout that, when combined with good eating habits and other weight training will help me lose and maintain my goal weight, which of course I haven't been even trying to obtain. I am having a hardcore chocolate craving and it's probably the PMS (yes, I just put all that out there, Eeekk!). I am just dyyyyyingggg for a pint of Green and Blacks Organic Bittersweet Chocolate ice cream....mmmmm...I am going to Google it...OK, really I'm going to go back to 'work'. Adios

lmz

I hate slush.

I can handle the snow. I like to bundle up and go for a nice walk around the Hill in the winter. I like to go snowmobiling, sledding and cross country skiing at the lake. But I hate this. I dispise this nasty weather! It's not sunny, it's freezing cold and the snow looks like crap. I can't wait for summer. I am SO excited for my nice long walks around the Hill, when David and I walk down to Grand Ave, go to Grand Ole Creamery..it is so much fun. I love summer. Boating, skiing, tubing, tanning, a nice cold Leinie's Summer Shandy on the lake. Ahh...I am ready for that :)

lmz

Ouch

So I went to the dentist on Wednesday and they finished up the root canal. It was horrible. I was out of work Thursday and am barely making it through today. It hurts so bad. I was sick to my stomach yesterday from the pain meds and not eating food. I haven't eaten since Wednesday...except the applesauce I'm eating now. It sucks. I hate this =(

Blah.

The root canal was fine, fyi, for anyone concerned. I lived through it.

I hate men. Why are they so immature and lazy? That's the question of the day. I could keep rambling but it really doesn't matter and it really is not interesting.

Leah

I'm alive! My root canal was just fine. That's just lovely.

Yay for the weekend =P

LMZ

Root Canal

I'm getting a root canal in the morning. I am nervous =(

I'll be hoped on pain killers all day Thursday, though, so that makes up for it. Sort of.

Wish me luck.

Leah

I want to run away

How nice does it sound to pack up everything and just leave. California sounds the best. San Francisco to be exact. Someday...

I hate being stressed out. I guess the only thing I'm stressed about now is this damn tooth. I need a root canal (and I've needed a root canal since December but I've failed to set aside any funds for this). Yesterday I was munching on pecans when I bit down in the wrong place and broke my f*cking tooth. Ouch. It hurt. The worst part is that it is constantly grinding against my tounge and unfortunately, my job requires me to talk for almost 8 hrs a day. So, needless to say, by the end of the day I've had just about enough. Anyways, I'm going in for a root canal on Thursday. Should be funnnn....Not.

Winter Blues

Why oh why won't winter go away? I hate it! It's sooo cold out. Well, I guess it's warmer today than it's been.

Since moving out of crazy lady's apartment, I am so much less stressed. It's amazing. I love it.

You know, I hate when grown women act like children. That seriously pisses me off. Today, while discussing the weekend and what we did, with another co-worker, I mentioned that I bought my brother, Justin, an iPod shuffle, and she comments back with "are you the parent?", SERIOUSLY. Why I let that get to me really pisses me off. I try to keep my personal life separate from my work life, I try hard. I don't come to work and b*tch about all my homework or talk about things going in my life. Why would you jump to the conclusion that I have to be the parent to buy my brother a gift? Is it my insecurity that is allowing it to get to me? Well, I responded with "No, I'm not. It's a gift" and proceeded to do my work. I don't need to justify spending $52.96 (with tax) on my brother to anyone. That was my choice. I bought it for him because I know how much he loves music. He uses it almost as therapy when he gets real stressed out, just like I do. I know how nice it is to just put on my headphones and go for a walk and listen to music. And Justin is the same way. SO I had mentioned to him if he stayed out of trouble and had some good behaviors I'd get him one. Well actually, Mom asked if I'd go in on it, and I said no, I couldn't afford it. Then I thought about it and a few days later I decided I would, only to find out that Mom already sent Justin a gift card for $30 instead of that. SO, I thought the right thing was to afford it. And I did. And he was happy, he enjoyed it. The look on his face when he opened it up, and we uploaded songs was priceless. If him having music can change him from getting upset at another kid at his house, then so be it. Isn't that better than beating a kid up? Although it's never okay to beat a kid up, I feel the same way sometimes. When grown ups act like children, and I don't have any other option because I'm stuck to my desk until 5:30pm, I chose to blog. And get it off my chest so that I'm not holding it all in.

So, I got a C+ on my Ethics paper...I know that sounds like it's "okay" but it's a little sad, but I'm NOT proud or happy. I had one week to write a paper, and I waited until about 4 hours before it was due. Ridiculous. I suppose it's good I at least got 78% considering it is 25% of my grade...Anyways, next time I'll have to do better. I have a nutrition test to take tonight. I have my book here to study @ lunch and on my break...I'm getting like 115% in that class now because of extra credit, which is always good.

Anyways, I got to vent. Feels better. Back to work. Is it Friday yet? Nope, still Monday. Great. =)

lmz

Brrr.

Sunset @ the Lake. I love it. Can't wait for summer!!

I had the morning off today. That was nice. I planned it yesterday, since I knew I'd be up late writing my paper, and then stressing out about it. I really didn't do well. I need to start WAY before it's due next time. Definatley not the night before. Real smart, Leah. So, I slept in. Until 10am. And puttsed around. David and I had brunch at Bon Vie. And then we went to the bakery and got some baked goods. And then...I got on the bus and came to work. Fun.


Tonight I'm going to the gym and eating dinner and then cleaning before turning in early.

I have tons of work to do today. Hmm. Better get going.

PS It's really freaking cold out. I wish it'd get warmer. It's seriously cold out. Brr.

lmz*_

Free!

I moved out on Saturday. I got lucky and my roommate released me from the lease without even having a new roommate. I am excited. I am happy. I was more than willing to be patient and wait, but she didn't want to. I guess I am that bad! Geesh! Yay! *happy dance*

Anyway, I have an ethics paper due tonight by 11pm..and I have barely started. I'm so screwed. And the worse part is that it's 25% of my grade...ughhh.....

Back to work =)

Ranting & Raving

I am not crabby today. I am not upset. I am excited, excited to move out, excited for spring, excited to go back to my normal life. It's not that bad. My life is not that bad. I am okay. There are people out there who are upset and pissed off about the same things. They hate the situation they're in, but they're not in an hurry to change them. So you hate your job...change it. Yes, it's not that easy, but it can be done. I don't know how many times I have heard you bitching and complaining that you hate your job, and you have two degrees you should be more successful...what else....you shouldn't be living in an apartment with someone else and your cats, you should have a home and be more successful. Do you hate the fact that you're a grown adult and you make less money than a young adult? Most people do, or would. Don't take it out on that person. There are plenty of adults out there who make less money than someone else, or don't own a home or don't have children. It's not all about money, you know that right? Don't take pride in yourself to be so great when you're not. This is harsh and mean of me. I've heard I'm considered immature and irresponsible, just a few of the adjectives used to describe me. You know what, no matter what you say, you're not going to change me. Actually, it's pretty funny that you would. You have no power over me. You don't have power over everyone, you know that right? I consider myself to be pretty damn mature, and very responsible. But this blog is not to boost me. This blog is written with hopes that the person can realize their own faults before jumping down every other person's throat. You can't change the world until you're satifsfied with yourself or with your own life. So take my advice. Chill out a little bit. Quit trying to be so perfect. You are a lovely human being with a kind heart. Don't try to be someone you're not. And don't take your faults out on someone else. I can't wait until I do not have to think about you anymore. The day I am done with you, there will be a nice e-mail in your inbox stating all the things you do that are horrible, and how you can change them...change them so that you have friends, or maybe a boyfriend, or HEY maybe you'll get married someday? Ha. Right.

lmz

love*

Call me mushy or old fashioned, but I've been thinking about "love" lately. What is love? Well I could recite the line from Corinthians..but I won't. Love is...happiness. Love is buying your girlfriend Midol at a gas station where it's only guys your age working (right Nat?), love is buying your broke girlfriend designer sunglasses, or going extremely out of your way to personally deliver her FAVORITE flower on the cheesiest day ever (Valentine's Day, totally overrated Hallmark holiday). Love is listening to your significant other, letting them cry when their emotions get the best of them. Love is just hugging them and saying "it's okay" and then if you're my boyfriend you say "Ok get over it" and you know that's his way of wanting you to quit pouting and come play a damn game or watch a movie. The best kind of love is the kind when you're just being lazy, doing nothing special, but you're still not bored. You have some world issue to debate about, or a small issue, like why the toilet seat should be left down. The best feeling is that look you get when you've just woken up. The one that's saying "wow" just by his eyes. That is my kind of love. Love is taking your kitties for walks..and yes, they walk. Around the block. Down the street. They're amazing cats. Love is driving 45 minutes to pick up your boyfriend from work because his ride left early. Love is just hanging out. I'm not even talking about boyfriend/girlfriend love. I mean friendship love. The kind where you can just sit on the couch and talk for hours, or one of the first few times you met someone and feeling like you've been friends forever, no matter what separates you. What happened to that kind of love? I love love. The good kind. The kind that my favorite singer croons about-the "you're everything" kind of love. It is those little moments when you realize you have to cherish that person, and their every quirk or their every flaw. Not even the bad stuff, either. Cherish the good stuff. The sexiest smile out there, the clearest blue eyes you've ever seen...When you know your life is not the same without that one simple person in it...that is love. True love. The love where you can't WAIT to be with that person for the rest of your life. You know they're it. And they know you're it. You're just waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect time to announce it to the world. Love. Ahh, I love love.

Well, it's a marvelous night for a Moondance
With the stars up above in your eyes
A fantabulous night to make romance
'Neath the cover of October skies
And all the leaves on the trees are falling
To the sound of the breezes that blow
And I'm trying to please to the calling
Of your heart-strings that play soft and low
And all the night's magic seems to whisper and hush
And all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush

Can I just have one more Moondance with you, my love
Can I just make some more romance with you, my love

Moondance

Did anyone see the eclipse last night? I didn't. It was too freaking cold out! Instead, I watched it on the news. That was fine. When I was leaving work I did see the big huge moon, that was cool!

I'm moving out of my apartment. If you wish to know further details as to why, please contact me, and I'll be happy to explain. It's not fair for me to throw it all over the internet as to why I am moving out. I will be moving back in with David for a little bit. I am just taking it day by day. I kind of want to live alone. When I originally moved out of David's I was counting on being 'more independant' and 'responsible' but unfortunatley that did not happen. Again, for reasons not to be discussed on my blog. I may look into getting my own one bedroom apartment. I am not sure I want to though. There are a few reasons. I don't have furniture. Why waste money on a couch...and living room stuff, and not to mention kitchen stuff, because again, I have nothing. To me it'd be a waste of time. It probably would be a waste of money, as well. 1 bedrooms are pretty expensive. So, tenativley I'll be moving back with David. We may look into getting a bigger apartment. His is pretty small. It's not so much small as between the two of us we have a lot of stuff. So, I am excited for that. So much for getting away..haha. I will miss Highland...oh well it will be worth it, I love the Hill way more than Highland. Plus I'm happier when I'm at David's. And I get to see my kitties. It's just simple. I should have never moved out in the first place. Especially with a total stranger. Not a good idea. I don't recommened it.

School...is going well. I dropped one class. Three was way too many. I am just taking two now, and hopefully I'll be able to focus better without being preoccupied by having to write my opinions of jazz history in APA style. Ridic.

I am going to the lake this weekend. I am so excited. We're going to go snowmobiling, and go to Duffy's (a cute little bar on the lake). Not to mention I get to see Chester (David's parent's new dog). He's adorable. Back to work =P

lmz*

can i just have one more moondance with you, my love?
can i just make some more romance with you, my love?

My thoughts for today.

I am not a bad person. I am sick of being subjected to feel like I'm a bad person. People make mistakes, maybe someone tells someone else something that this someone doesn't want to hear. Maybe said person is jealous. Maybe said person is letting too much little shit get to them. Who cares if I make more money than you? Who cares that my company gives more money for profit sharing than yours? How does that affect you? How can you be so concerned about what goes on in someone else's life? Especially when that person has no special relationship to you? That person is not your best friend, in your family or even close to being related to you. Why do you let what that person does piss you off? Why do you let that person's life get to you? These are the questions that are perplexing my mind. I don't understand, not one bit. I will admit that I was probably rude in sharing my company's profit sharing rates, which, is public knowledge and something my company takes pride in offering to their associates. I will admit I make pretty damn good money for a 20 year old. But I will not allow myself to feel BAD for that. I am not competing with anyone but myself. I am determined and I am smart. I do not blame the fact that I have a full time job and am a full time student on anyone else. I knew I had to make a pro-active choice to improve my life. I did not want to scrape up pennies and dimes for food and gas. And that's fine! That's my choice. I could be doing the '20 year old thing', going to school part time, working 12 hours a week at the mall and scraping up money. But I'm not. And I enjoy it. I enjoy having money to pay my daunting credit card bills, or to enjoy going out to eat with my boyfriend. I enjoy being able to spend $100 at Target on clothes or new things for myself. And I wouldn't be able to do that, not even close, if I didn't make these life choices. Yes, every now again (actually every Monday morning) I miss having my first class at 10am and being done by 5pm. I miss drinking with the girls on Monday nights and spending all of the next day recovering. I know I will succeed. Every day I try to better myself by taking pride in my career. This is my choice to work full time. And that's fine. Because it's the best option of all my choices. I will not let anyone bring me down. I do not think said person is a bad person, not at all, not even close. I think said person is smart, outgoing, courageous, knowledgeable and unique. I think said person and I could be great friends. But said person gets to me. And I let said person get to me. And I play said person's mental mind games. I am the who decides to let this person piss me off. But, I like said person. And I am playing this person's games, you see? I am letting their insecurities and faults get to me, and piss me off. I am taking whatever this person says to heart and allowing it to bother me. And that is all me. Me deciding to do that. So, I am wrong. I was wrong. But said person needs to not care about me, or what I do. I am not said person's girlfriend or significant other. You pride yourself on being so giving and thoughtful of others. You try so hard to please everyone. And from an outsider's point of view, you're the one stressing yourself out about other people's problems. And I don't want a fight or an argument. It's not worth the time for either of us. We both have better things to do than sit and worry about what the other one is thinking or what the other person's life problems are, and that's the cold, hard truth. Maybe I've been a little blunt or a little straight forward. The fact of the matter is that I don't have the balls to actually say anything to your face because I am intimidated by you. I am scared of your words and reactions. So I choose to express my feelings in a blog that you may or may not have accesss to. And if you're reading this, fine. I hope you understand that I don't hate you. I am not trying to be mean to you, or have an attitude towards you. I am not a mean person. I am not a bad person. Maybe I'm selfless. Maybe I'm immature and maybe I'm irresponsible. I'd like to think no one thinks of me as none of the above. But if they do, that's their perogitive. I am going to whole heartedly try to look past the miscommuncations between us because I do not want to let little things you say bother me the way I do. Maybe it's because I am emotional person and no matter who it is, if it's someone I don't know, says something bad about me, I take it to heart. I try to not care about what others think or let it roll off of my shoulders, but it's incredibly difficult. Please don't cop an attitude and pull the 'the whole world is out to get me' card. It's not that bad, hun. Move on.

....and the work is piled on my desk and I'm out of here in 15 minutes...Craptastic! Looks like I'm working late tonight! Oh well. That's life . I decided to vent my stresses out instead of work. That is my problem and I am not blaming that on anyone else.

lmz.

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me