This blog.

This blog has been a journal for me. Never really shared with anyone other than a couple close friends, it's something I used to vent. When I started it in 2006 (2007?), I was 19 years old, and in my first 'grown up' relationship. I lived wih my boyfriend. I later moved out. And I think I moved back in. That one didn't end until 2009. And then sort-of started again in 2010? As of today, we're still good friends. I love looking back and seeing how I've changed, and I want to continue to keep this, even if it's just for myself.

There's something about reflection that gets me. Reflecting on where I've been, where I've come from and I'm going to. Take my last post, for example. So much has happened since then. I'm dating a new boy (man). He's wonderful - better than anything I could have ever asked for. I still can't believe it, and I ask myself quite often "Is this real life?".

More to come.

baggage and drama.

We all have it. Baggage. You've been left with it from your last relationship. you're holding onto it and just cannot let it go.

Tough shit. Let it go. Because you'll never get anywhere holding onto past relationships. I get it, I've been there. It took me a year to get over my relationship with D, and even after that rocky year, it took time before we were able to get where are now (friends).

In my most recent dating experience, as referenced in an earlier post, dude has major baggage. It came out early on and from there we (I) have decided we'll just be friends. Which is great. But now as friends I get to actually hear about this drama. Holy. Shit! Bitches be crazy! I get that I'm not "in it" but pro tip: either don't let the chick you're trying to bone into such drama OR don't have it. Wipe your hands clean. Move on. She clearly has, and you have to, too. And honestly, dating/sleeping with someone immediately may not be the BEST way to handle it. At least for me, it isn't.

And maybe it's because I've been emotionally unattached for so long (two years), but I don't have pity anymore. I feel bad, and I'm sorry that people have to deal with this but I'm more along the lines of "OK, it's over. It's over. I'll be sad for a while and do what I have to do, but it's done". Again, the next time I get dumped on my ass, I bet I have a different opinion.

The moral of the story is that I wish I would have been completely oblivious to this baggage and drama because then I wouldn't have been friend-zoned. And once you're there... you never come out.

cursed.

I spoke too soon.

I don't know what I did to warrant it, maybe I'm completely and totally off base. To be honest, this is what I hope is true.

Five dates, countless emails and hours spent on the phone and I'm left analyzing why I was cancelled on twice and he is conveniently booked for the next 10 days. I didn't do anything outlandish on our last date, I don't think. If he isn't interested anymore, fine. But tell me. The worst thing a guy can do is leave you to wonder. He can sugar coat it. He can tell me that he isn't interested and just leave it at that. I'm a big girl and I can handle so much more than someone saying they've lost interest.

So I am left to wonder. What's wrong with me? Between him, Corey, Nathan (who completely vanished after three months of frequent dating)... it's all a whole bunch of nothing. And I knowwwww it's not me, it's him. But it's always them. So is it really me? Obviously it is. And I know that if it isn't there for them, it's just not there. I get it, I do. Let's just communicate.
As I go on in the dating world, I learn more. I was probably too forward, too soon. I started to let my guard down. I just feel so misled. I wasn't even looking for anything in the first place.

The good news is, I've lost nothing but a few weeks and I've learned more about myself.

the one where I think I'm kind of dating someone?

I wasn't expecting this, and isn't that when it happens? Anyhow, I had logged into my stupid free online dating profile at OKCupid.com to delete it (I never used it, and kept getting dumb messages, and had no desire to date, so I was done with it). Well, when I logged in, a new match popped up. I was intrigued right away by the bio saying he was 6'4". I continued on and was genuinely interested and impressed. I was almost a bottle a few glasses of wine in and wrote a very well crafted and witty message. Much to my surprise, I received an equally well written and witty response the next day. These long and well written messages continued for four days when we exchanged phone numbers. One thing led to another and we've had three dates in the past week. Since I have a bad memory, I want to write them down so I have the memories for down the line (or so pessimist Leah can burn them after I get dumped in two months).

All I know is this: he's tall, cute, funny, doesn't try to hard, I can be myself, great kisser, smart and open.

& I'm excited. But not too excited, because again pessimist Leah just thinks this has to be a joke, right? I mean, he likes me? And he tells me that? He likes me, when I feel like I'm at my worst (meaning, I wasn't even ready to date!).

I'll just enjoy this, go slow and have fun. :)

30% boyfriend

This morning I came to the conclusion that I'd like a 30% boyfriend. What is a 30% boyfriend, you ask? It's basically a part-time boyfriend. A little less than part-time, really. The reason is this: I don't think I'm "ready" for a full on relationship. It scares me a little bit. I'm not ready to give up my single girl life in exchange for being someone's girlfriend.

You see, my life is pretty good. I have a good job, I like my apartment and my roommate and  I are civil. I have a great group of friends. In fact, I have a few different groups of friends. I like to be social and usually go out 2 -3 nights a week. The other nights, if I'm around, I like to do my own thing (see: Secret Single Behavior).

Many of my friends, actually most of my friends, are in serious relationships or are *gasp* married. I'm slowing but surely losing out on my single wingwomen. So, there are times when I think, well I'd really like to do this, but I wish I had a boyfriend to do this with me (ex: rent a canoe and go around the lake, rent bikes and go biking, go to the movies on a rainy day, go camping, watch outdoor movies)! I usually stop myself half way through the statement and kick myself a little bit. Yes, I can do those things with my single lady friends - and I do! - but wouldn't it be fun to do it with a cute boy that likes to flirt with me?!?!

Back to the point. If I just had a special man friend, my 30% BF, I could call him when I want to do something spur of the moment. My 30% BF & I are friends and we like hanging out. We'll go out to dinner and laugh and maybe even cuddle over night and have a sleepover every now and then. Note: He is not a friends with benefit type of guy, because in that situation someone ends up hurt.  He is pretty cute, but not a smokin' hottie. Because they have egos. But he's nice, too. And a great kisser. But, I digress.

Whenever I talk about dating with people more wise than I am - older coworkers and friends, my grandma, etc - I get the same thing.

"You're so young!"

"You're going to change so much and be so different when you're 28/29/30"

"Stay single! Live it up!"

And this freaks me out. So, if I don't get into a SERIOUS real relationship but rather have my 30% boyfriend until I'm done growing up, then when I'm really ready, I will be all set and ready to rock the relationship!

And sometimes, a girl just wants a hot make out session with someone she knows doesn't have horribly ill intentions that isn't a stranger.

disclaimer: I've done a lot of dating as of late and I have not, in fact, had a "30% boyfriend". Although it sounds like an ideal situation, it probably doesn't exist. It's probably a little bit selfish on my part. I'm not currently accepting applications for said less-than-part-time-boyfriend.  I do also realize that in any healthy relationship, I won't jump into it and be 100% in after a week. A healthy dating situation would result in slowly moving into something more serious.

Why I Won't Hook Up With You

So if you want me, I don't come cheap.

Keep my hand in your hand

& your heart on your sleeve.

::k.clarkson

It has taken me a while to get to a place where I am today. Where I can confidently say, no, I won't hook up with you. Because, to be honest, in the past I haven't been strong enough. I equated sex with love. I thought if I gave it up, I'd get a relationship. It took tears, heartbreak and years to find out otherwise. So I have this to say.


Dear every man that has tried to hook up with me:

I won't do it.
I won't hook up with you.
I'm better than that.
I don't WANT that.
I don't want to feel used and abused.
I want to be loved.
Not taken advantage of.
I don't know where you get off thinking that I don't want anything more than a hot night of sex.
Am I not worthy?
I hope that the man who I end up in a relationship with will respect me for the simple reason that I do not hook up.

follow-up: after thoughts of dead fish guy & real date #1 with lunch guy from saturday is tonight.

Dead fish guy inspired this post. I liked his profile when I read it, minus the obscene amount of photos of him with dead fish. But, I overlooked that. We met up at an Irish bar just on the edge of downtown Saint Paul.

Let me step back and give a little background of DFG. He is from a town about 30 miles outside of the city. He works in construction. He's a total "guy's guy", from what I could tell. Definitely could fall under the "hick" category.

Now, I am more of the city-girl type, and I have no shame in this. BUT I really liked his profile and I sent HIM a message. After exchanging a few emails we decided to get together. I was going to squeeze him in last weekend, but I didn't. So, fast forward and we grabbed dinner on Tuesday night. This turned into drinks after dinner at a neighboring bar. It was a blast, we had a great time, and great conversation and we really connected. He drove me home and dropped me off. There was no awkward kissing moment, thankfully. Surpringsly, I would say this was the best of the 3 I've been on in the past 5 days!

But now it's 5pm the next day I haven't heard from him. So now I am kind of overthinking it - was I too sassy? I was pretty dressy for a Tuesday in a dress, tights and heels but I came right from work! He, on the other hand, was wearing carpenter jeans & work boots.

I asked my good friend Ben and he said that contacting someone after a date in under 24 hours seems desperate and over 48 hours, he is not interested. SO, the two day rule? I think it's dumb, but whatevs.

Tonight I am going to the Science Museum of MN for their first Social Science event. It's a 21+ event featuring alcoholic beverages and appetizers along with things like human pictionary and photo booth. Fun?

I'm nervous, he is a very nice and sweet guy and we had good conversation. He also likes good beer (i.e. not Bud Light) but kind is of awkward. On a side note, I think he has a tick. He kind of scratches his head whenever he gets nervous. And I think he might be a virgin. We had a very awkward hug after lunch. The good news is that he is definitely over 6' so I can wear heels tonight with my jeans. I've let my Twitter friends know to pretend I don't exist as the *last* thing I need is for him to find my Twitter account... and this blog.


Until next time.



Leah

The one with the dating posts.

I've decided to compile a blog post with all of my past blogs that are about dating experiences, good or bad. Some are emo, some are silly. Some are personal, others aren't as personal.  

friendly PSA for guys that are online dating, March 2011 - Since I've decided to re-embark (is that a word?) in online dating, I've notice so many things wrong with guys' profiles... Yikes.

options for single girls these days, october 2010 - I briefly talk about some experiences I've had that prove to me that the more you date, the more open-minded you have to be.

secret single behavior, september 2010 - This is one of my favorite posts. We all have SSB's, I highlight my personal favorites of my own.

my stupid mouth, september 2010 - I think with dating, you ALWAYS learn something about yourself. I learned, and continue to learn, that my mouth usually gets me in trouble.

the open letter to Corey, september 2010 - Corey is one that *still* tugs at my heart strings... (he's officially out of my life)... but I opened my heart and wrote a letter I know he'd never read or see. PS: why would I even want to be with someone that does these things?

learning through others, september 2010 - One of my good friends was actively dating and I got to hear a lot about her experiences. I highlight a specific situation.

apparently I'm not long term relationship material, september 2010 - haha, I have to laugh at myself. I was bummed out that all of these dates continued to just end after that, a couple dates. I like the photos I found.

don't let me go, august 2010 - Ouch. Other CH post. What a mess. (Kind of emo post)

once a cheater, always a cheater? august 2010 - Should you be honest about your past? Do you want a potential significant other to tell you the truth, even if it's brutal?

"since you're over me now, can we be friends?" august 2010 - Can you be friends with an ex? (note, emo mentions of CH again. Ugh!)

note to self, july 2010 - Ah yes. He's just NOT that into you.

das boot, june 2010 - the one where I explain the "cycle of Corey". *sigh* See - I understood it. I just didn't ACT on it.

the trouble with dating... june 2010 - I have no patience and I hate waiting for things. This is why I have trouble dating. (author's note, I have changed this habit immensely. I have pushed dating to the back burner, therefore I don't sit and wonder what is going on. I figure if someone actually wants to go out, they'll do it. Progress, Leah!)

success! june 2010 - recap of a date. (note: although nothing romantically happened with this guy, we are still friends and grab drinks now and then. Nice guy, that R2P.)

Enjoy!

L

3 dates in one weekend?

Confession: I enjoy dating.

I'm always up for being set up. I have a profile on a couple different online sites. I live my life just like normal but if someone offers to set me up with someone, I'm all in. If anything, I either get a great story out of it or a new friend. It is always fun. I'm very social and I love meeting new people.

That said, as of late I've kicked up my online dating. I've had a few trusted friends read my profile and offer advice. I updated photos, edited my profile and took some initiative to send some messages.

I've got three (3) prospects at the moment and hope to get an initial meeting set up soon.

I don't get nervous until about 30 minutes before we meet. It's at the moment I'm getting ready to leave my apartment that I question what in the HELL I am doing. Going to meet a stranger with hopes they LIKE me, or something? That's when I call or text my best friend and she gives me a confidence boost and pushes me to go.

So, the prospects.

I've exchanged quite a few emails with "the fish guy" (inspiration for the last post). Even with his half-assed grammar and photos with 40 dead fish, I'm still going to meet him. Why? I have nothing to lose. He seems genuine and hard working, he's tall and cute. I have to call him tonight to set something up for Saturday. I'm thinking mid-day coffee. Although, something about the dead fish doesn't scream "coffee guy" to me. Maybe we'll go to Applebee's.

We've got an actor/comedian turned corporate guy. That sounds fun. I'm curious about how someone majors in theater in college then works in the corporate world. He has challenged me  to a hair competition. He said in a message that it seems like I have nice hair (LOL) and he's always been told HE has great hair. It's not long or anything, just normal, short McDreamy-ish hair. I have to say, I do have great hair. Only because of my salon and the amazing products I use. I'm positive I'll win. But I digress.

Finally, we've got the suburban living, Minnesota Twins-loving IT guy. I've only exchanged 2 emails with him but he seems like he has it together. He's got a big boy job and a house, and is right in my ideal age range at 25. I was drawn to his profile because of the MN Twins hat he was wearing. I clearly said that in the message (because I'm taking initiative). *Update: we've exchanged a few more emails I'm not impressed with the grammar... ex: "I haven't been to a Wild game yet neither". Also he gave me his cell number and said to text him. I also won't do this because that sets things up to be weird, and it is a whole other post... "why you shouldn't text someone before you meet them".

I've decided to try to squeeze all three in this weekend because, well, why not. I have nothing to lose.

I've got a busy weekend ahead, because in addition to this, I'm going with a couple friends to the Minnesota Beard Off at the Turf Club in St. Paul.

Until next time!

L

i'm sorry for you, just so you know.

Things with C ended... because as I may or may not have shared, well.. I won't blast it out here but it's over. the truth is... there was nothing to end.

he didn't answer my calls
I went to his house once from a dating period of April through November
he only emailed me from his work email

I should have seen the signs.
I should have quit before I knew I'd be broken.

the bottom line is, I don't know the truth. I don't know the back story. But apparently some girl is "in love" with him.
he led me on.
he lied to me.
he told me beautiful words and tricked me into believing fallacies.

I've been through my fair share of break-ups, really, I have. But for some reason, this one still stings.

I'm hurt. Someone told me they cared for me. Someone told me I was beautiful, amazing, a wonderful woman. I feel betrayed. Lied to. Tricked. Used.

This "ended" almost a month ago. I'm still bitter. I'm sick to my stomach. It brings me to tears. I'm angry. I quite literally want to smack him, kick him and cry in his face.

But I won't. I'm strong. I'm better than that. And I am fine, generally. It is just these randoms pangs of anger and bitterness that take me over.

Because I confronted him. And told him. And asked for an apology. Just a simple, "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Leah. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I led you on. I made a mistake."

I got nothing. nothing. 8 months of "dating"... and nothing?

I suppose I should take that silence and interpret it as him walking away.

Just needed to vent.

oh, and. this sara b song = <3....

say you're sorry

I want the one word that you refuse to say to me
You're so good at giving me responsibility
I wash my hands clean and let you watch me as I go
I'm sorry for you, just so you know


lmz.

Fear of Commitment

What does it mean to have a fear of commitment? It is rooted in fear - fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. Commitment phobia is the "technical" term for someone who is scared to commit. Someone might be scared to commit for many reasons: fear of the unknown, fear of being with one person, fear of self-actualization and that something will actually work. When do you stop making excuses for someone who is scared to commit and go on with your life?


Someone who has a fear of commitment can talk the talk, but not walk the walk. He'll make plans for the future and say things like "when we're married" or "when you move in with me" but doesn't follow through. This quote I found exemplifies the exact way this works:

"It's easy to be seduced by pretty words, but unless there's follow-through in the end, you're left with nothing to hold onto but an empty promise." quote found here

I've gone back and forth, racked my brain, given up, been done and gone back with this guy. A simple search of my blog with the tag CH brings up all the posts about him. http://lmz87.blogspot.com/search/label/CH

 

My realization of the real issue here came to me this morning. After recollecting the events that occured last night, it hit me. He's scared to commit. He likes me - he says he likes me. I believe him.

 

We made plans to get pizza and have a low-key night. The plans were firmed up in the morning. At 4:30pm I got a text.

"you may not want to see me tonight. I just threw up." him

"that's on you, however you feel." me

"I'll let you know in the next half hour" him

I was pissed, angry, hurt, upset, sad. Mostly sad. I seem to be disappointed by his actions more times than not. I build it up to be something it's not and I'm left sad and heartbroken. But for some reason, I can't quit him. I don't know why.

I call him.

I don't want to waste the next 30 minutes questioning in my head if he actually is sick or if he's making excuses not to see me.

 

Had a quick convo.

Rescheduled.

I Said some rude things.

Hung up.

 

I texted.

 

"I'm sorry you're not feeling well but actually I rescind my offer for Sunday. i'm done with your excuses and I get that you're not interested. Good luck."

"Ok, but I'd rather be with you than throwing up. Sorry you don't believe me" him

"It isn't that I don't believe you I'm sure you're sick I'm just disappointed I really wanted to see you and have a normal night and I always get disappointed when I let myself get excited about seeing you something falls through. And you always put it on me, it's frusting and I'm sick of being let down."

 

In the past, when I freak out, he runs. He's gone. But he kept at it...

 

"How am I putting it on you?"

" "you might not want to see me" I don't care if you're sick I can understand not wanting go out to eat when you don't feel well but it's not like I'm a stranger or someone you've had two dates with. I've known you for over a year I am not scared of you not feeling well. Maybe you could try "why don't you come over here and hang out" would have been good"

 

After this he suggested that he picks me up from work and we hang out at my apartment. I went back and forth. I wanted to be firm, put my foot down and say NO I am done. But I wanted to see him. I was excited. I LIKE HIM.

 

{In his defense, he's a good guy. He's cute. He's tall, brown hair, brown eyes, amazing smile. Sense of humor. Great job, great life goals. Great family (from what he says). Can hold a conversation. My only drawback is that he wears cargo khaki's, but mostly just spite me}

 

He picked me up, told me he wanted to talk to me and it wasn't bad. We picked up pizza to go and went over to my best friend's apartment and we all watched a movie together. After the movie we went to my apartment and he spilled his heart to me. He told me he didn't want to never see me again, and he got that vibe from my texts. He told me he thinks I'm beautiful and amazing, smart and sexy.

 

I have concluded that it is fear to commit. But, how can you feel this way about someone and not want to "lock it down", seal the deal, etc? That's what I don't get... Maybe I'm just making more excuses than needed but I've researched fear of commitment, how to date someone with this fear and how to get them to open up and overcome their fears.

So for now, I go forward. I am guarded, I am not going to lie. I am numb to him since I haven't really opened up 100%. So what's next...

 

I'm not sure. I'll try to keep you posted.

lmz.

 



the options for single girls these days.

I've been on a rollercoaster, of love [cue that corny song here] the past year or so.

I've been doing the single girl thing: dating, being set up, being dumped or told "we're better off as friends". But the one thing I've come to notice lately is as you get older, you get people with more and more baggage. My BFF and I spend a lot of time talking and discussing our lives as single gals. She can't get over the fact all of the potential people she could date have a kid, or sometimes more than 1! Looking at my track record, I haven't had anyone with kids but I've had:

former felon/crackhead

guy that had cancer

guy living with HIV

**FYI, these are all under the age of 30!

Now, I don't discriminate and I pride myself in not judging people. In fact, all of these people had perfect chances with me, it just didn't go too far for whatever reason.

I have recently decided, or rather, it's just so happened that, I am done dating. However, I keep a profile on the free website PlentyOfFish.com. It's more humorous than anything. Getting messages from "BigDaddyPain4U" or "Minnetonka" [both actual usernames] is quite discouraging... and I don't even read the messages. So when I get a normal username, I will read the message.

This guy messaged me, passed the pre-test [height, username, looks, decent profile] so I wrote back to him. Right away he asked to add me to facebook.

Facebook is for friends. I don't know you.

I told him I don't have a facebook [deleted it on Sunday] and so he gave me his number and told me to text him.

I don't want to text you. You don't know me. You don't get to know my number!

I gave him my email address, said let's exchange a couple emails and see if we think we'd get along then we could meet up for a drink or coffee...

He responds and tells me that he's recovering alcoholic. Again, not going to discriminate. The emails just were not flowing and now I can't decide, do I stop responding or just say, well I don't think we'll get along? Besides, he's only 5'11" and since most men lie about their height I'm betting he's 5' 9.75". Or do I just go head and get coffee to rule him out?

Now, I obviously have my fair share of baggage: I've got the brother(s), the whole still in college but also living a real life thing, the fact I'm not 100% ready for a relationship, my own emotional problems,

So it seems as though, the older we get, the less we get to choose from. It's slim pickins' out here.

We'll see. It's fun, but at the end of the day I'd rather be alone than settle for someone.

new, new, new, new, new.

Hi!

I have a new little set up here. I added an information page and a blogroll of my favorite blogs. I fiddled with the layout a bit. I'm excited to hopefully vamp up my personal blog and separate it from my school blog. I want to sort of figure out a direction for this blog. So, stay tuned.

As for what's new in my life...?

Brother is still crashing on the couch. Meh. It's not ideal but I love the kid, so what are ya gonna do? My friend Jacq moved into the building next door. Now I have 3 BFF's on my corner! So fun, and helps me keep sanity, for sure.

School is busy.

I was fully convinced that I was going to drop math class because I. Hate. Math. But, alas, my girlfriends in class told me to suck it up. My other class is great - promotional communications. I love it!

Dating is... non-existent.

Given the fact whenever I'm in public with my brother I'm convinced others think we're together (as evidenced by 2 neighbors asking or mentioning "your girlfriend"). Lately it's be the two-date curse. For a while it was just the one-date curse. After one date it was obvious by either party that it wasn't going to work. The last two prospects, Matt & Mr. Mechanic, have been two-daters.

Recap on Matt & Mr. Mechanic...

Matt was really cool and we had a ton of fun. Met for coffee, which turned into rollerskating at disco night and a movie and beer at his friends house. 2nd date entailed dinner at a cool local pub, walk by the river and drinks at another cool bar. I hadn't overthought things as I normally do and was not concerned about when I'd see him, what we'd do, where it was going to go, etc. I was quite proud of myself! Anyway, I ended up getting an email from him saying I was really great but he just wanted to continue with a friendship (I hadn't even questioned anything...?). He stated he thought it'd be difficult to date given the fact I didn't have a car and we lived 30 miles away (bogus). He then stated he wanted me to be his "city guide" and show him all the cool places I talked about in the city (no). As of now - this was about a month ago - I haven't heard from him. So much for wanting to be friends. Why do guys say that, anyway? That's a whole other post.

mr. mechanic, hard at work.

Mr. Mechanic is still fresh in my mind and was a set-up by my mother. My mother had been insistent to this man (hard to call him a man, he's 21!) that I was "so beautiful, smart, photogenic and great" and she'd "really like him as a son-in-law" (that's awkward). Anyway, we did the facebook exchange, he checked out OK and I was intrigued. We spend a good chunk of the day texting on Wednesday before our date. True to Leah form (instant gratification, no patience) we met up that night for a beer. We actually had really great conversation and touched subjects I've vowed never to get into on an inital meeting [politics, religion and family]. He texted afterward saying, "your a really cool person to talk to''. A) YOU'RE. not your. B) what does that mean? I decided not to analyze it and took it as a compliment. Said thanks and we'd talk soon.

He texted the next couple of days (multiple times) and called me on Friday night. We set up plans for Saturday. Another good time on Saturday night. Again, we got into some great deep conversation. We are definitely different and it was interesting to hear is view on some things. And since Saturday we've exchanged a couple texts but, nothing earth shattering, no plans for getting together again. Not a big deal to me, his loss, really (seeing as how I am so great).

So, since I've gotten over the one-daters, the two-daters... what's next?

whomp whomp, sad face.

The three daters? Well, my friends, that requires me to date. I don't quite have the time. Between work, school, trying to work out, brother(s) and trying to finish season 1 of Desperate Housewives and Mad Men, I don't have a lot of time for dating.

Oh, and another thing, as far as dating, I'm really learning a lot about my self. Mechanic man and I had COMPLETE opposite political views. Made our convos great but... in the end? Doubtful it would work.

And as my best friend Ella says, "at the end of the day, we don't love these hoes, but we always have each other" and "my relationship with you is the most satisfying and longest one I've ever been in."

LMZ

someday..

Mama there's no way you'll ever lose me
Giving me away is not goodbye
As you watch me walk down to my future
I hope tears of joy are in your eyes


'Cause he is good, so good
And he treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave

So don't you worry about me

Don't you worry about me

Secret Single Behavior

After this post, my secret single behavior (SSB) will no longer be so secret!

Secret Single Behavior is behavior in which your significant other is aware of. Generally, you would not want your significant other (SO) becoming aware of SSB for fear of a) judgement b) jealousy c) being dumped.

Now, I've been single for quite some time and have built up my own little hodge podge of SSB's. I don't think I'd share my SSB with my SO until I'm married. That way, they're (legally) stuck. I'd hope that my SO will have his own SSB's that we can do in our respective parts of our home.

So here comes a list of my favorite SSB's, in no particular order {I want to share that I can no longer do a lot of these SSB's, since my 18 year old brother currently lives with me. But oh, I am waiting for the day he moves out} :

Leah's (not so) Secret Single Behaviors

*Stripping down to undies and a tank top, blasting Taylor Swift & doing the dishes

*Same as above, less T. Swift & dishes, plus trashy TV.

*Sleeping for most of the day on the weekend if I don't have homework or major plans

*Reading wedding photographer blogs and looking at all the beautiful photos

*Having a "mental health day" and going to the spa

*Eating an entire sleeve of girl scout cookies

*Talking to and dancing with my cat, Jack

*Shutting my cell phone off and shutting the world out

Do you have any SSB's? What about those in a relationship? If you live with your SO, how do you find time to get in your SSB? 

lmz 



My Stupid Mouth



{image from http://ilovecharts.tumblr.com/page/2}

Throughout my experience over the past year and half of dating, I've learned quite a few things about myself. One of these things is that I've learned that I tend to put my foot my in mouth. I say things without thinking and have often been referred to as having "no filter". It is interesting because some people have really liked that about me (my friend Kelly's boyfriend thinks it's great and has said that it's definitely something that will help me in my future, especially if I get into advertising as I want to). Other people HATE it. Corey, for example. He told me that one of the reasons he wouldn't be serious with me is because he's scared I'd say something in front of his friends or family without thinking about it and I'd embarrass him.

For a while I was going on a late of first dates - simple coffee dates or maybe a drink here and there. The majority turned into nothing - there was no chemistry. Fine. But I think that I probably did something, said something stupid, made a comment, that deterred the person from wanting to go out again. Since I've learned these lessons, I've decided to be more careful about what I share and what I can save.

And this song is the story of my life:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSEYOpI985s

I also want to share this link... It's my definition on Urban Dictionary of some advice I was given, that I tend to not follow.

lmz

My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change

Dear Corey:

image from wehearit.com

Why must you continue to taunt me? You don't want to date me. You're clearly not interested in me. Don't email me. Maybe I should be stronger and not respond to your emails. Maybe I shouldn't initiate and email here and there. I clearly know you're bad news, seeing as how you've strung me along for all these months. Don't call me on my birthday (two times). Don't tell me you're going on a date tonight, because I really don't want to know. And don't tell me that you're not replacing me yet.


  





I'm a Crocus Hill kind of girl....



I don't know what to do, I mean I know we'll never be together. You're obsessed with crappy suburban towns, "little boxes on the hillside", strip malls, saving money, not going out and having a dry sense of humor. I like the city, and the country, but not a weird combination of the two, old buildings, not having a car, buying Coach purses and $8-per bottle nail polish. I like spending money to get my hair cut and colored versus your idea of just letting it grow until it's unmanageable and disgusting.



...not a little boxes kind of girl.




It's just blatant that nothing would transpire long-term between us. For some reason, I'm still drawn to you. Is it because you're kind of ass? Because you front SO hard, like you're just this heartless man, but I know deep down inside, and you have shown this side to me, that you're sweet and caring.  

  

But what I ask is that you please, just stop contacting me. And if I fall of the train and contact you, don't respond. Don't feed the fire. Because, for some reason, no matter what you do, how much you tell me nothing will happen, we'll never go anywhere, you add little tricks in there and tell me how beautiful, smart, amazing, funny, cute, sweet, sexy, awesome I am and bring me right back to square 1.

Sincerely,


Leah



Learning through others

Not only do I like to blog and write about my own dating experiences, but I like writing about other people's as well. Today, as this situation was happening in real-life, I was thinking to myself and recollecting on my own past experiences.



One of the reason I love having such a great group of girlfriends is being able to listen to them and converse with them about their own relationships. As women, we tend to spend time over analyzing a lot of different things regarding relationships. I learn different things from everyone in my life, and I always try to relate that back my own life. Within the past few months, one of my best girlfriends has been quite the busy dating girl. She, at one point, literally had a date every night. Sometimes two in one day. This is what us girls do when we're online dating, and people set us up, and we met cute boys. We go out for coffee to see how we connect.



She had narrowed it down to two guys: R2 & JD. Being very close with her, she has very willingly shared her feelings about each guy. She had been dating R2 for quite bit longer than JD. JD came along and it hit her, like WHAM. You know that feeling? That, WOW you are smoking hot, but also happen to be amazing from what I can tell from the first few dates kind of feeling? My friend had been leaning more towards JD for whatever reason. From what she had told me, she did really like both but when it came down to it, she was more into JD. She made the decision to let R2 know that she just didn't see it going anywhere. Before she had a chance to do this, R2 decided to be ballsy and ask her how she was feeling, he expressed some pretty deep feelings saying he was really into her, he thinks she's amazing and many other nice things.

My friend was thrown off by his email as she wasn't quite expecting that from him. I believe this made her question if she really wanted to let him go. I think her ultimate decision would have been that, bottom line, she didn't feel the 'spark' there like she wanted and although R2 is a really awesome guy, she wasn't going to settle for that just to settle and have a boyfriend. In the midst of her surprise to his e-mail, she got busy, as us girls do. She didn't respond and the next day (24 hours, like clockwork) he sent a follow-up email to which my sweet dear friend called me at work to share with me. She said she felt pressured and that definitely solidified the fact she was going to let him know it wasn't in their best interest to continue dating.



sometimes I just want to squeeze my girlies!



What I see here is that R2 definitely took on the role of the "woman" in the dating game. Many times I've done the "where is this going to go" and never hear anything and follow-up with the person. I can see where I have probably scared a few away by my intensity. Being able to come from the outside-in, I can see my friend's POV and I can know that it's not that she didn't like R2, it's genuinely that she was surprised by his e-mail and probably wanted to spend more time thinking about it. In this situation though, R2 & J have been dating for a few months - I haven't quite made it that far with anyone other than Corey, and we all know how that ended. I love being able to learn through my friends. I love being able to see things they do and put that in my mental box to save for later, or, sometimes, not save! So here's to my friends, they keep me in touch with the dating world, bring me back to reality and I love them! I have the best friends a girl could ask for.

lmz.

Apparently I'm not long-term relationship material

I tried to keep quiet about it over the weekend but when I get really excited about things, I can't hold them in! I ended up having 2 dates with this guy, MT. I had sort of decided I was done dating all together and not making any effort on my online dating. I received a message on Friday and he seemed normal so I asked if he wanted to meet for coffee.

We met for coffee and that turned into going rollerskating with two of his friends! It was a blast! I was so refreshed that a nice, normal guy was around! He dropped me off, gave me a hug and said we'd chat soon. We ended up having a 2nd date on Sunday evening. Again, a great time! More relaxed, dinner, walk and a beer on a patio. We had great conversation and I thought there was a great spark there. We left it that we'd be in touch throughout the week but should go to karaoke on Thursday evening.

I refrained from texting on Monday (didn't want to be annoying. BTW, I hate dating rules) and he ended up texting me! We had a good text convo on Monday night. Tuesday I emailed him. I didn't hear back all day long but I wasn't too concerned since it was after Labor Day, most people are pretty busy. I was CRAZY busy at work that day!

Later in the day I got an e-mail response from him. He said he has spent a lot of time thinking about it and decided he wanted to "expand our friendship". He then proceeded to explain that our distance (30 miles) and the fact I didn't have a car (I'm a city cat!) has led him to this decision. He said he doesn't see a long-term relationship happening with me. He then said he wants me to be his city tour-guide in the future. (You can drive the 20 minutes to STP for me to show you around but you can't drive the 20 minutes to date me?)

It was towards the end of my work day when I got the email. Of course I had gushed to my co-workers about my amazing dates and how I was excited to "not screw this one up". Picture 3 women, hovering over my desk, reading my response, saying "just be friends! He'll fall in love with you!' and my best friend on the phone saying, "Leah! You're the rule! Not the exception! Tough cookies! If he doesn't like me now, he's not going to like you in 6 months!"

I ended up replying that it was fine, thanks for being honest, but if it's OK I'd like to take a couple days and think on it before I decide! Because, here I was, so excited and jazzed up for a nice, normal, TALL, cute, funny, CATHOLIC boy, right?! He texted and said that was fine and he wanted me to know that he thinks I'm really great, awesome, cute, etc. but the whole car thing just makes it seem easier to be friends.

I got to thinking about the whole, "I don't see myself in a long-term relationship" with you. And the last couple of guys I had more than 2 dates with told me the same thing!

Corey: We had our first couple dates in September 2009, got busy and stopped talking, then started again in January. I chose to date Luke (more below) instead after Corey told me he was emotionless & heartless. Corey and I ended up dating from mid-March to mid-August. One night Corey told me that he thinks I'm great, beautiful, smart, funny and amazing BUT... didn't see anything long-term because I am too emotional and I want to make my life in the city (versus he wants the suburbs)

Luke: We dated from late January 2010 through early March 2010. It was good! I was really happy, we were really happy. Out of the blue one night he said he that he was breaking up with me because he couldn't give me what I needed: I needed too much affirmation (he wasn't one to give compliments) and he didn't see anything long-term.

So looking at the track record, I begin to question myself. Apparently I'm not LTR material. But I'm also not short-term relationship material? Or are they saying that because I'm not LTR material, why waste time with a STR?

I suppose I can see where they're coming from. I actually told another guy I spent some time with that I didn't see it going anywhere. Which was 100% true, we didn't really have that much in common and I just didn't get that "spark". I do give MT and Luke props for not dragging it out like Corey did, in the end making the hurt worse. Props to guys that can be real and honest. Thank you those guys that have enough guts to let a girl down gently versus being a complete ass about it. Here it's more of a sting; you get up, dust off, and try again. I fully intend to dust myself off and try again.

this is sort of irrelevant but good, nonetheless.

It's all about the lessons learned. 2010 has been quite the learning year for me. Through all of this I've learned so much about who I am and what I ultimately need in a relationship. For now I'm back to not actively pursuing dating and focusing on all of things I've got going on in my life!

Until next time,

LMZ

Don't let me go.

Maybe I am just being nostalgic or maybe I'm being emo. It's my birthday tomorrow...to me, a birthday, is a birthday. It's a day. I mean, yeah, I'm another year older, whoop de do. I guess it sort of hit me that I haven't had a boyfriend in a whole year. I've dated, and the most recent of that is obviously as we know, Corey. Corey's birthday was in May. I made him dinner and we went for a walk and watched a movie. To me, his birthday was quite meaningful. Actually, to both of us it was meaningful, and he did express to me. Corey and I are speaking terms, I even hung out with him like 2 weeks ago... and I won't even get an acknowledgement of the fact it's my birthday, and it hurts... is that wrong? [I obviously spoke too soon. a) my birthday isn't until tomorrow and b) as I was composing this I got an email from him....

Hope you're doing well and you're looking forward to your birthday tomorrow.

I am not going to sit and overanalyze it. Yup, I am doing well. Yes, I am looking forward to my birthday. That is all on that subject. ] 

I think what may have gotten me is this: I was at dinner with my cousin & his wife, for her birthday. They're older, in their mid-30's. My aunt asked A what her favorite birthday has been and she shared that since her and T started dating, her birthdays have been better since she's had someone to celebrate with. She also said she wouldn't re-live her 20's for anything {so i've heard from a lot my older friends].

It's my first birthday as a single girl! I can already hear it....

all the single ladies

all the single ladies

put your hands up

...cause if you like it then you shoula put a ring on it

lmz