Why I Won't Hook Up With You

So if you want me, I don't come cheap.

Keep my hand in your hand

& your heart on your sleeve.

::k.clarkson

It has taken me a while to get to a place where I am today. Where I can confidently say, no, I won't hook up with you. Because, to be honest, in the past I haven't been strong enough. I equated sex with love. I thought if I gave it up, I'd get a relationship. It took tears, heartbreak and years to find out otherwise. So I have this to say.


Dear every man that has tried to hook up with me:

I won't do it.
I won't hook up with you.
I'm better than that.
I don't WANT that.
I don't want to feel used and abused.
I want to be loved.
Not taken advantage of.
I don't know where you get off thinking that I don't want anything more than a hot night of sex.
Am I not worthy?
I hope that the man who I end up in a relationship with will respect me for the simple reason that I do not hook up.

The one with the dating posts.

I've decided to compile a blog post with all of my past blogs that are about dating experiences, good or bad. Some are emo, some are silly. Some are personal, others aren't as personal.  

friendly PSA for guys that are online dating, March 2011 - Since I've decided to re-embark (is that a word?) in online dating, I've notice so many things wrong with guys' profiles... Yikes.

options for single girls these days, october 2010 - I briefly talk about some experiences I've had that prove to me that the more you date, the more open-minded you have to be.

secret single behavior, september 2010 - This is one of my favorite posts. We all have SSB's, I highlight my personal favorites of my own.

my stupid mouth, september 2010 - I think with dating, you ALWAYS learn something about yourself. I learned, and continue to learn, that my mouth usually gets me in trouble.

the open letter to Corey, september 2010 - Corey is one that *still* tugs at my heart strings... (he's officially out of my life)... but I opened my heart and wrote a letter I know he'd never read or see. PS: why would I even want to be with someone that does these things?

learning through others, september 2010 - One of my good friends was actively dating and I got to hear a lot about her experiences. I highlight a specific situation.

apparently I'm not long term relationship material, september 2010 - haha, I have to laugh at myself. I was bummed out that all of these dates continued to just end after that, a couple dates. I like the photos I found.

don't let me go, august 2010 - Ouch. Other CH post. What a mess. (Kind of emo post)

once a cheater, always a cheater? august 2010 - Should you be honest about your past? Do you want a potential significant other to tell you the truth, even if it's brutal?

"since you're over me now, can we be friends?" august 2010 - Can you be friends with an ex? (note, emo mentions of CH again. Ugh!)

note to self, july 2010 - Ah yes. He's just NOT that into you.

das boot, june 2010 - the one where I explain the "cycle of Corey". *sigh* See - I understood it. I just didn't ACT on it.

the trouble with dating... june 2010 - I have no patience and I hate waiting for things. This is why I have trouble dating. (author's note, I have changed this habit immensely. I have pushed dating to the back burner, therefore I don't sit and wonder what is going on. I figure if someone actually wants to go out, they'll do it. Progress, Leah!)

success! june 2010 - recap of a date. (note: although nothing romantically happened with this guy, we are still friends and grab drinks now and then. Nice guy, that R2P.)

Enjoy!

L

i'm sorry for you, just so you know.

Things with C ended... because as I may or may not have shared, well.. I won't blast it out here but it's over. the truth is... there was nothing to end.

he didn't answer my calls
I went to his house once from a dating period of April through November
he only emailed me from his work email

I should have seen the signs.
I should have quit before I knew I'd be broken.

the bottom line is, I don't know the truth. I don't know the back story. But apparently some girl is "in love" with him.
he led me on.
he lied to me.
he told me beautiful words and tricked me into believing fallacies.

I've been through my fair share of break-ups, really, I have. But for some reason, this one still stings.

I'm hurt. Someone told me they cared for me. Someone told me I was beautiful, amazing, a wonderful woman. I feel betrayed. Lied to. Tricked. Used.

This "ended" almost a month ago. I'm still bitter. I'm sick to my stomach. It brings me to tears. I'm angry. I quite literally want to smack him, kick him and cry in his face.

But I won't. I'm strong. I'm better than that. And I am fine, generally. It is just these randoms pangs of anger and bitterness that take me over.

Because I confronted him. And told him. And asked for an apology. Just a simple, "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Leah. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I led you on. I made a mistake."

I got nothing. nothing. 8 months of "dating"... and nothing?

I suppose I should take that silence and interpret it as him walking away.

Just needed to vent.

oh, and. this sara b song = <3....

say you're sorry

I want the one word that you refuse to say to me
You're so good at giving me responsibility
I wash my hands clean and let you watch me as I go
I'm sorry for you, just so you know


lmz.

My Stupid Mouth



{image from http://ilovecharts.tumblr.com/page/2}

Throughout my experience over the past year and half of dating, I've learned quite a few things about myself. One of these things is that I've learned that I tend to put my foot my in mouth. I say things without thinking and have often been referred to as having "no filter". It is interesting because some people have really liked that about me (my friend Kelly's boyfriend thinks it's great and has said that it's definitely something that will help me in my future, especially if I get into advertising as I want to). Other people HATE it. Corey, for example. He told me that one of the reasons he wouldn't be serious with me is because he's scared I'd say something in front of his friends or family without thinking about it and I'd embarrass him.

For a while I was going on a late of first dates - simple coffee dates or maybe a drink here and there. The majority turned into nothing - there was no chemistry. Fine. But I think that I probably did something, said something stupid, made a comment, that deterred the person from wanting to go out again. Since I've learned these lessons, I've decided to be more careful about what I share and what I can save.

And this song is the story of my life:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSEYOpI985s

I also want to share this link... It's my definition on Urban Dictionary of some advice I was given, that I tend to not follow.

lmz

My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change