Uffda.

Almost 3 weeks without a post, yeesh. So much in my head and so much going on in my life I just sort of forgot. I said what needed to be said to that jerk face and I'm over it. My heart is protected & I refuse to let someone in just to hurt me again.

Enough of that.


I've been a beast about the gym and I'm proud. I'm in a new relationship with myself. I've been *enjoying* the treadmill and walking and running. I love getting ready and going and feeling great after a work out. I don't want to see this, like I do now...

So, that is good. I guess that's really all.. I should probably work. It's pretty busy & I have a ton to do. Mer.

lmz.



Apparently I'm not long-term relationship material

I tried to keep quiet about it over the weekend but when I get really excited about things, I can't hold them in! I ended up having 2 dates with this guy, MT. I had sort of decided I was done dating all together and not making any effort on my online dating. I received a message on Friday and he seemed normal so I asked if he wanted to meet for coffee.

We met for coffee and that turned into going rollerskating with two of his friends! It was a blast! I was so refreshed that a nice, normal guy was around! He dropped me off, gave me a hug and said we'd chat soon. We ended up having a 2nd date on Sunday evening. Again, a great time! More relaxed, dinner, walk and a beer on a patio. We had great conversation and I thought there was a great spark there. We left it that we'd be in touch throughout the week but should go to karaoke on Thursday evening.

I refrained from texting on Monday (didn't want to be annoying. BTW, I hate dating rules) and he ended up texting me! We had a good text convo on Monday night. Tuesday I emailed him. I didn't hear back all day long but I wasn't too concerned since it was after Labor Day, most people are pretty busy. I was CRAZY busy at work that day!

Later in the day I got an e-mail response from him. He said he has spent a lot of time thinking about it and decided he wanted to "expand our friendship". He then proceeded to explain that our distance (30 miles) and the fact I didn't have a car (I'm a city cat!) has led him to this decision. He said he doesn't see a long-term relationship happening with me. He then said he wants me to be his city tour-guide in the future. (You can drive the 20 minutes to STP for me to show you around but you can't drive the 20 minutes to date me?)

It was towards the end of my work day when I got the email. Of course I had gushed to my co-workers about my amazing dates and how I was excited to "not screw this one up". Picture 3 women, hovering over my desk, reading my response, saying "just be friends! He'll fall in love with you!' and my best friend on the phone saying, "Leah! You're the rule! Not the exception! Tough cookies! If he doesn't like me now, he's not going to like you in 6 months!"

I ended up replying that it was fine, thanks for being honest, but if it's OK I'd like to take a couple days and think on it before I decide! Because, here I was, so excited and jazzed up for a nice, normal, TALL, cute, funny, CATHOLIC boy, right?! He texted and said that was fine and he wanted me to know that he thinks I'm really great, awesome, cute, etc. but the whole car thing just makes it seem easier to be friends.

I got to thinking about the whole, "I don't see myself in a long-term relationship" with you. And the last couple of guys I had more than 2 dates with told me the same thing!

Corey: We had our first couple dates in September 2009, got busy and stopped talking, then started again in January. I chose to date Luke (more below) instead after Corey told me he was emotionless & heartless. Corey and I ended up dating from mid-March to mid-August. One night Corey told me that he thinks I'm great, beautiful, smart, funny and amazing BUT... didn't see anything long-term because I am too emotional and I want to make my life in the city (versus he wants the suburbs)

Luke: We dated from late January 2010 through early March 2010. It was good! I was really happy, we were really happy. Out of the blue one night he said he that he was breaking up with me because he couldn't give me what I needed: I needed too much affirmation (he wasn't one to give compliments) and he didn't see anything long-term.

So looking at the track record, I begin to question myself. Apparently I'm not LTR material. But I'm also not short-term relationship material? Or are they saying that because I'm not LTR material, why waste time with a STR?

I suppose I can see where they're coming from. I actually told another guy I spent some time with that I didn't see it going anywhere. Which was 100% true, we didn't really have that much in common and I just didn't get that "spark". I do give MT and Luke props for not dragging it out like Corey did, in the end making the hurt worse. Props to guys that can be real and honest. Thank you those guys that have enough guts to let a girl down gently versus being a complete ass about it. Here it's more of a sting; you get up, dust off, and try again. I fully intend to dust myself off and try again.

this is sort of irrelevant but good, nonetheless.

It's all about the lessons learned. 2010 has been quite the learning year for me. Through all of this I've learned so much about who I am and what I ultimately need in a relationship. For now I'm back to not actively pursuing dating and focusing on all of things I've got going on in my life!

Until next time,

LMZ

Don't let me go.

Maybe I am just being nostalgic or maybe I'm being emo. It's my birthday tomorrow...to me, a birthday, is a birthday. It's a day. I mean, yeah, I'm another year older, whoop de do. I guess it sort of hit me that I haven't had a boyfriend in a whole year. I've dated, and the most recent of that is obviously as we know, Corey. Corey's birthday was in May. I made him dinner and we went for a walk and watched a movie. To me, his birthday was quite meaningful. Actually, to both of us it was meaningful, and he did express to me. Corey and I are speaking terms, I even hung out with him like 2 weeks ago... and I won't even get an acknowledgement of the fact it's my birthday, and it hurts... is that wrong? [I obviously spoke too soon. a) my birthday isn't until tomorrow and b) as I was composing this I got an email from him....

Hope you're doing well and you're looking forward to your birthday tomorrow.

I am not going to sit and overanalyze it. Yup, I am doing well. Yes, I am looking forward to my birthday. That is all on that subject. ] 

I think what may have gotten me is this: I was at dinner with my cousin & his wife, for her birthday. They're older, in their mid-30's. My aunt asked A what her favorite birthday has been and she shared that since her and T started dating, her birthdays have been better since she's had someone to celebrate with. She also said she wouldn't re-live her 20's for anything {so i've heard from a lot my older friends].

It's my first birthday as a single girl! I can already hear it....

all the single ladies

all the single ladies

put your hands up

...cause if you like it then you shoula put a ring on it

lmz

Today.

I am going to lunch at Meritage with Tracy & Demetri to celebrate mine & Demetri's birthday.

Me, Tracy, Jen & Demetri {halloween, 2008}

Me & Demetri, Halloween. Oh fun.

Haha, my 21st birthday, Demetri & me.... I was a little.... belligerant.

I was a mess. A mess!

Ah, 23. How exciting.

lmz

"since you're over me now, can we be friends?"

I've been thinking lately about being friends with exes after the break up. In general, it's frowned upon. It seems like everywhere you go and whatever you do after a break up is consumed with the relationship: the [over] analyzing it, sad break up songs, missing them, wanting them back, getting back together, only to break up again. In general, I'm not friends after a break up. I've had the "it's not you, it's me, but I still want to be your friend" break up. I've had the messy break up that doesn't really end, and I've had the "we just don't have enough in common, but let's still be friends" break up. That's the most recent, actually. With CH. Although I call it a break up, we were never "official" (labels could be a whole other blog). We don't have enough in common to sustain a relationship, but we can create a friendship? We weren't even friends to begin with. So how can we be friends, after jumping into a 'dating' relationship? All of the these things. I think being friends with an ex has pros and cons.

I recently had to tell an ex (D) that I couldn't be in his life right now. This is one big relationship, and way back on my blog most posts are about our relationship. We had a rocky relationship, but it was good overall. He (and his family) has been pivotal in my life. When I told him, he cried. I was quite surprised. I've gone back and forth with him, we had a brief 'should we try this again' during the Fall of 2009. I thought it was all great until he told me he met someone and was going to date her. I was crushed. We didn't speak until they were on the rocks. They've since broken up and he's dating someone else (serial monogamous, much?). He's always the one that's told me you need to be single after a break up, "re discover" yourself and that crap. Everything pretty fine and dandy, he was casually dating her, I was casually dating CH, and we were spending time together. (We actually all hung out one time. That was awkward. This was also the first night CH brought me back to his place.)

Then he told me he's exclusive with the new girl. I was okay with it. I spent the weekend with his family at their cabin (I'm close to the family). That really solidified the fact I couldn't be friends with him. I thought I could, but hearing him be mushy gushy on the phone to her, wondering if he was texting her, all the while he's being affectionate with me? Not fair. He can't have his cake, and eat it too. When I told D that I couldn't spend time with him his automatic accusation was because I wasn't in a relationship. That is only a teeny bit true, but mostly I didn't (and don't) agree with his relationship. He just got out of a pretty intense relationship and it's not even over and he's dating someone else? Not to mention she's super sweet and hasn't been in a relationship. He's (I feel) using her as a pawn in his life for something I'm not quite sure of. They have different views on a couple major issues. It just doesn't seem right to me. So I've decided no, I can't have him around. 


Back to CH. I emailed him to let him know I was doing OK after his "we can't be together, I don't see myself with you, you're too emotional and moody" talk on Thursday [8-12-10, while I'm in excruciating pain the night before a root canal]. When he left I was crying and a bit of a mess (ugh).



Anyhow, he says, well, since you're over me, can we be friends now? I responded and told him, no. I didn't want to be his friend. Why would I be friends with someone that wasn't my friend before our dating experience? And the nail in the coffin? A few weeks ago I had a very stressful afternoon at work. I was even more stressed and upset when I got home only to be locked out of my apartment. I wanted to sit on my stoop, smoke a pack of Marb's and listen to sad music. I sent CH a text saying, "I had a really bad day. I need a hug. Come over after class?". Never responded. I'm sorry but if you're my friend and I tell you I'm stressed and upset, you respond with a simple text or a call. You can even Slydial me. The next day I inquired and he stated, "no big deal, just went out after class." So, no. If you can't come to rescue when I'm upset. I can't be your friend.

Even on TV - Carrie & Mr. Big; Ross & Rachel... they can't even remain friends. One always feels something for the other, and even though they have other relationships and marriages, they end up together. Is society drilling into our heads that once it's over, it's never really over?

 

I guess the bottom line is, if there's a history there, or still something going on, you can't be friends. This is just my opinion. If a relationship ends rough or not 'mutually' I almost don't see a point. I think it's individual discretion.

Until next time in single girl world,

LMZ.

Well the truth, well it hurts to say
I'm gonna pack up my bags and I'm gonna go away
I'm gonna split, I can't stand it

I'm gonna give it up and quit and aint never coming back
-jerrod niemann, lover lover

I'm a lover, not a fighter

I'm sort of like a turtle. On the outside I have a hard shell, but I'm soft on the inside. I may appear to be tough and strong but really I'm vulnerable and weak. I know this about myself, however I still tend to put myself in situations where I am destined to be hurt. I also don't have patience so I don't like ''waiting for things to cool off'', which is probably why when I do 'fight' it's so intense - I can't just take time to myself and relax, I have to go, go, go at that moment.

So when my best friend starts personally attacking me for something that has *nothing* to do with me, I have a hard time not taking it personally. I will not get into specifics but I will just say I feel as though I've been emotionally beaten, for something I had no part of, whatsoever. I explained that I didn't want to get into the middle, that it's between her and my brother, but it kept coming. The worst part of having someone so close to you (i.e. a best friend) is that they know what to do and say to hurt you. However, the bottom line should be that they would not use these things against you.

This is why I need to remember to just never let anyone get close to me, for fear of being hurt. Okay, I know I can't do that. I'm just not sure what to do. I can't not take things personally.