i'm sorry for you, just so you know.

Things with C ended... because as I may or may not have shared, well.. I won't blast it out here but it's over. the truth is... there was nothing to end.

he didn't answer my calls
I went to his house once from a dating period of April through November
he only emailed me from his work email

I should have seen the signs.
I should have quit before I knew I'd be broken.

the bottom line is, I don't know the truth. I don't know the back story. But apparently some girl is "in love" with him.
he led me on.
he lied to me.
he told me beautiful words and tricked me into believing fallacies.

I've been through my fair share of break-ups, really, I have. But for some reason, this one still stings.

I'm hurt. Someone told me they cared for me. Someone told me I was beautiful, amazing, a wonderful woman. I feel betrayed. Lied to. Tricked. Used.

This "ended" almost a month ago. I'm still bitter. I'm sick to my stomach. It brings me to tears. I'm angry. I quite literally want to smack him, kick him and cry in his face.

But I won't. I'm strong. I'm better than that. And I am fine, generally. It is just these randoms pangs of anger and bitterness that take me over.

Because I confronted him. And told him. And asked for an apology. Just a simple, "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Leah. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I led you on. I made a mistake."

I got nothing. nothing. 8 months of "dating"... and nothing?

I suppose I should take that silence and interpret it as him walking away.

Just needed to vent.

oh, and. this sara b song = <3....

say you're sorry

I want the one word that you refuse to say to me
You're so good at giving me responsibility
I wash my hands clean and let you watch me as I go
I'm sorry for you, just so you know


lmz.

...but I never asked.

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able

But I just keep quiet

And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man

We're all entitled to 'em

But I never asked

So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast
I hate to break it to you babe

But I'm not drowning

There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree

You are not me

Who made you king of anything

So you dare tell me who to be

Who died

And made you king of anything

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to

Jump up on board with you

Ride off into your dellusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps

With my name on them in all caps

You got the talkin' down just not the listening

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Who cares if you disagree

You are not me

Who made you king of anything

So you dare tell me who to be

Who died

And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe...

 



My Stupid Mouth



{image from http://ilovecharts.tumblr.com/page/2}

Throughout my experience over the past year and half of dating, I've learned quite a few things about myself. One of these things is that I've learned that I tend to put my foot my in mouth. I say things without thinking and have often been referred to as having "no filter". It is interesting because some people have really liked that about me (my friend Kelly's boyfriend thinks it's great and has said that it's definitely something that will help me in my future, especially if I get into advertising as I want to). Other people HATE it. Corey, for example. He told me that one of the reasons he wouldn't be serious with me is because he's scared I'd say something in front of his friends or family without thinking about it and I'd embarrass him.

For a while I was going on a late of first dates - simple coffee dates or maybe a drink here and there. The majority turned into nothing - there was no chemistry. Fine. But I think that I probably did something, said something stupid, made a comment, that deterred the person from wanting to go out again. Since I've learned these lessons, I've decided to be more careful about what I share and what I can save.

And this song is the story of my life:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSEYOpI985s

I also want to share this link... It's my definition on Urban Dictionary of some advice I was given, that I tend to not follow.

lmz

My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change

Don't let me go.

Maybe I am just being nostalgic or maybe I'm being emo. It's my birthday tomorrow...to me, a birthday, is a birthday. It's a day. I mean, yeah, I'm another year older, whoop de do. I guess it sort of hit me that I haven't had a boyfriend in a whole year. I've dated, and the most recent of that is obviously as we know, Corey. Corey's birthday was in May. I made him dinner and we went for a walk and watched a movie. To me, his birthday was quite meaningful. Actually, to both of us it was meaningful, and he did express to me. Corey and I are speaking terms, I even hung out with him like 2 weeks ago... and I won't even get an acknowledgement of the fact it's my birthday, and it hurts... is that wrong? [I obviously spoke too soon. a) my birthday isn't until tomorrow and b) as I was composing this I got an email from him....

Hope you're doing well and you're looking forward to your birthday tomorrow.

I am not going to sit and overanalyze it. Yup, I am doing well. Yes, I am looking forward to my birthday. That is all on that subject. ] 

I think what may have gotten me is this: I was at dinner with my cousin & his wife, for her birthday. They're older, in their mid-30's. My aunt asked A what her favorite birthday has been and she shared that since her and T started dating, her birthdays have been better since she's had someone to celebrate with. She also said she wouldn't re-live her 20's for anything {so i've heard from a lot my older friends].

It's my first birthday as a single girl! I can already hear it....

all the single ladies

all the single ladies

put your hands up

...cause if you like it then you shoula put a ring on it

lmz

This weekend...

My friend from work, Laura, and I are taking a road trip to Tinley Park, Illinois! We're so excited. Why TP, you ask?

This guy:

I am super into his new sleeve tat....

But a little less impressed with his belly...

Then again, he does have better things to do than GTL (gym, tan, laundry - obvi)

And... if he happens to propsose to me. I will say yes!

{to do}

**this is from my secret blog with my girlies, lyss, megs and carrie, but I wanted to share on here!**
I've decided to start a little list, a bucket list, if you will.
Some are long term, others are short term.
& I'll keep adding

See The Lion King on Broadway.

Go to New York (never been)

Spend a lot of time watching Shark Week 2010.

eat more chocolate cake.

eat less meat.

spend more time in the sun [with sunscreen]

Fall crazy in {forever} love with a sweet man.

**But don't just fall in love to fall in love. Real love**

Wear hot pink shoes to my wedding. Or maybe have hot pink fingernails.

Spend less time worrying.

Dance.

Go to Chicago!

Continue with no pop or coffee (it's been HELL, btw)

Smile. ---> Every. Single. Day.

Go to Marketfest a few times Summer 2010.

Be the best friend I can be to my g.i.r.l.s.

go to California.

Have a wonderful birthday, pedicures and cake included.

Continue to re-mix songs with Ella.

Rollerblade.

Don't settle.

Save more money.

Buy more shoes.

Go to the cabin.

Pray.

Finish out my class STRONG.

Meaning: knock out this final paper and those 18 journals in the next 17 days.

Earn a good great grade in said class.

Prepare for two {2} classes this fall... math & promotional communications.

Be a sister, not a *mom* to my brothers.

be a mom to my cat(s)

love like crazy*

Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I Love You

Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common since

Never let your prayin' knees get lazy

And love like crazy

Always treat your woman like a lady

Never get to old to call her baby

Never let your prayin knees get lazy

And love like crazy

there's something about country music that i love. it's simple, and it speaks the truth. this song is one of my favorites by Lee Brice, called Love Like Crazy [check it out here]. i believe that everything in life should be done to it's fullest. go big or go home! this is probably why i fall so hard and have such a hard time picking myself up again. but i always learn my lesson and i do pick myself up and get going again.

~leah

I'll pray for you.

I pray your brakes go out runnin’ down a hill

I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I’d like to

I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls

I pray you’re flyin’ high when your engine stalls

I pray all your dreams never come true

Just know wherever you are, near or far, in your house or in your car

I pray for you

disclaimer: this happens to be a catchy tune that I like to sing out loud. I don't really pray for these things to happen to *you*; rather, I hope you find guidance in your life and maybe [just maybe] you feel a teeny bit sad. & maybe I'd like to shake you a little bit and ask "what the heck is going on inside of you?!?!"

:: image from weheartit.com ::

beautiful mess.

You've got the best of both worlds

You're the kind of girl who can take down a man

And lift him back up again

You are strong but you're needy,

Humble but you're greedy

And based on your body language,

And shoddy cursive I've been reading

Your style is quite selective,

though your mind is rather reckless

Well I guess it just suggests

that this is just what happiness is


Hey, what a beautiful mess this is

It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write

Kind of turn themselves into knives

And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction

But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear

'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice

Your comebacks they're quick

And probably have to do with your insecurities

There's no shame in being crazy

Depending on how you take these

Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess, yes it is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say

Kind of turn themselves into blades

And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard

But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt

Cause here, here we are, Here we are

What a beautiful mess, this is

It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes"

Through, timeless words and priceless pictures We'll fly like birds not of this earth




And tides they turn and hearts disfigure

But that's no concern when we're wounded together

And we, tore our dresses and stained our shirts

But it's nice today.

Oh the wait was so worth it.

*j.mraz

I wanna rock right now

I wanna

I wanna rock right now

come on rock that body

just sayin'.