i'm sorry for you, just so you know.

Things with C ended... because as I may or may not have shared, well.. I won't blast it out here but it's over. the truth is... there was nothing to end.

he didn't answer my calls
I went to his house once from a dating period of April through November
he only emailed me from his work email

I should have seen the signs.
I should have quit before I knew I'd be broken.

the bottom line is, I don't know the truth. I don't know the back story. But apparently some girl is "in love" with him.
he led me on.
he lied to me.
he told me beautiful words and tricked me into believing fallacies.

I've been through my fair share of break-ups, really, I have. But for some reason, this one still stings.

I'm hurt. Someone told me they cared for me. Someone told me I was beautiful, amazing, a wonderful woman. I feel betrayed. Lied to. Tricked. Used.

This "ended" almost a month ago. I'm still bitter. I'm sick to my stomach. It brings me to tears. I'm angry. I quite literally want to smack him, kick him and cry in his face.

But I won't. I'm strong. I'm better than that. And I am fine, generally. It is just these randoms pangs of anger and bitterness that take me over.

Because I confronted him. And told him. And asked for an apology. Just a simple, "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Leah. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I led you on. I made a mistake."

I got nothing. nothing. 8 months of "dating"... and nothing?

I suppose I should take that silence and interpret it as him walking away.

Just needed to vent.

oh, and. this sara b song = <3....

say you're sorry

I want the one word that you refuse to say to me
You're so good at giving me responsibility
I wash my hands clean and let you watch me as I go
I'm sorry for you, just so you know


lmz.

Don't let me go.

Maybe I am just being nostalgic or maybe I'm being emo. It's my birthday tomorrow...to me, a birthday, is a birthday. It's a day. I mean, yeah, I'm another year older, whoop de do. I guess it sort of hit me that I haven't had a boyfriend in a whole year. I've dated, and the most recent of that is obviously as we know, Corey. Corey's birthday was in May. I made him dinner and we went for a walk and watched a movie. To me, his birthday was quite meaningful. Actually, to both of us it was meaningful, and he did express to me. Corey and I are speaking terms, I even hung out with him like 2 weeks ago... and I won't even get an acknowledgement of the fact it's my birthday, and it hurts... is that wrong? [I obviously spoke too soon. a) my birthday isn't until tomorrow and b) as I was composing this I got an email from him....

Hope you're doing well and you're looking forward to your birthday tomorrow.

I am not going to sit and overanalyze it. Yup, I am doing well. Yes, I am looking forward to my birthday. That is all on that subject. ] 

I think what may have gotten me is this: I was at dinner with my cousin & his wife, for her birthday. They're older, in their mid-30's. My aunt asked A what her favorite birthday has been and she shared that since her and T started dating, her birthdays have been better since she's had someone to celebrate with. She also said she wouldn't re-live her 20's for anything {so i've heard from a lot my older friends].

It's my first birthday as a single girl! I can already hear it....

all the single ladies

all the single ladies

put your hands up

...cause if you like it then you shoula put a ring on it

lmz

Note to Self

"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life." -he's just not that into you

Attention! Stop! Leah Michele!

Read and repeat the above line. STOP making excuses for him. We've already gone over how I've given "him" {aka CH} the boot and how I have no patience. So, given all of these things, I've still caved and emailed or called or texted or seen him over the past 2 or whatever weeks it's been.

Friday night I went out to Barrio and Bulldog {lowertown} with some girls from work for a girls night. I love going out with these girls because they've got 8-10 years on me and have so much advice to offer on various topics - dating, work, life, etc. One gal specifically, let's call her T, and I were exchanging dating stories. T is beautiful - probably 6' tall, blonde, tan, great job and just an overall great girl. She's got a little boy who's around 6 and she's a great mom. She explained to me how she's dating 3 different guys right now and how she just got rid of one [funny thing is he has the same name is mine. Had to double check and make sure it wasn't the same guy, thankfully it wasn't]. 

  She went on to tell me that she was in a dating limbo with this guy for 7 months. I explained to her my whole situation - the "circle of CH", the going back and forth, dating for months before even going to his house, etc... and she said it was the exact same thing with her guy! So she said just the day before she dumped him for good. She told me, there will be SOMETHING that will just make you quit, for good. And then you'll realize there are so many other great guys out there, and you'll be okay. It was so refreshing to hear that from a smart girl who has been there before.

I've had my ah-ha moment... the one where I realized I was having literally anxiety attacks over THIS GUY, who didn't want to hang out with me because:

a) his toe hurt and he had to soak it

b) he had to work his 2nd job (til 7pm)

c) he doesn't want to drive 10 miles to my apartment

(all excuses I've gotten in the past two weeks from him, btw)

I've done like Carrie on Sex and the City (the movie), where Carrie sends all of Big's e-mail to a secret folder where she can't read it. I've sent all of CH's emails to my junk mail and I don't wanna see them.

I want him to disappear. I don't want to feel that way over someone that isn't even my boyfriend! I don't want those crazies over some douche bag that will not even respond to a damn text message.

Today was fine - I was so busy at work I had no time whatsoever to really think about overthinking the whole situation.

I'm worried about the coming days but whenever I think about emailing/texting/calling him, I'm repulsed. And kind of want to vomit a little in my mouth. Nice image, I know. But hey, if it works....

lmz.

this time baby, I'll be bulletproof.

patience is a virtue.

...And it's a virtue I haven't quite mastered. I am working on but I have a problem with instant gratification and wanting things RIGHT away.

C.H. has made his way back into the picture {let's be honest. he never left. it's me. and it's him. did you not see the circle of CH? there's something bringing us back. and don't even get me started on all of the 'karma' things that have occured since I've known him. That's a whole different blog} and all I know is that the past week, specifically the last 2 times I've seen him, have been so great. He's so sweet and he's really making progress. (remember, he likes to take things slow). I went to his house for the first time. Last night he spent a good amount of time with my best friend and me. He met my brother. I think we're moving in a positive (albeit slow) direction.

It's hard for me to just slow. down. and enjoy the time we're spending together. All I want is to know "what's going to happen" "where is this going to go" and I spend my time overthinking the entire thing. And this is not what I want!

So starting right now, I am making a vow to myself to have patience. To be patient and let "this" work it's course. Because I like him. And he's cute. And sweet. And smart. And funny. And the more time I spend with him, the more I like him. And he has said the same thing.

because great things come to those who wait.

"patience is passion tamed" - Lyman Abbott

meow.

what a doll

Last night I got to see my sweet little friend Molly! We went Bonfire & Cafe Latte. She's so sweet and I love her! I'll miss her when she goes to San Fran for, like, ever (okay like 18 days). Molly is so sweet and I'm so excited she's moved back to the TC (even though she's in MPLS). We're going to have a blast!

lmz

ps: notice how I'm not on my "good side"?

{to do}

**this is from my secret blog with my girlies, lyss, megs and carrie, but I wanted to share on here!**
I've decided to start a little list, a bucket list, if you will.
Some are long term, others are short term.
& I'll keep adding

See The Lion King on Broadway.

Go to New York (never been)

Spend a lot of time watching Shark Week 2010.

eat more chocolate cake.

eat less meat.

spend more time in the sun [with sunscreen]

Fall crazy in {forever} love with a sweet man.

**But don't just fall in love to fall in love. Real love**

Wear hot pink shoes to my wedding. Or maybe have hot pink fingernails.

Spend less time worrying.

Dance.

Go to Chicago!

Continue with no pop or coffee (it's been HELL, btw)

Smile. ---> Every. Single. Day.

Go to Marketfest a few times Summer 2010.

Be the best friend I can be to my g.i.r.l.s.

go to California.

Have a wonderful birthday, pedicures and cake included.

Continue to re-mix songs with Ella.

Rollerblade.

Don't settle.

Save more money.

Buy more shoes.

Go to the cabin.

Pray.

Finish out my class STRONG.

Meaning: knock out this final paper and those 18 journals in the next 17 days.

Earn a good great grade in said class.

Prepare for two {2} classes this fall... math & promotional communications.

Be a sister, not a *mom* to my brothers.

be a mom to my cat(s)

love like crazy*

Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I Love You

Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common since

Never let your prayin' knees get lazy

And love like crazy

Always treat your woman like a lady

Never get to old to call her baby

Never let your prayin knees get lazy

And love like crazy

there's something about country music that i love. it's simple, and it speaks the truth. this song is one of my favorites by Lee Brice, called Love Like Crazy [check it out here]. i believe that everything in life should be done to it's fullest. go big or go home! this is probably why i fall so hard and have such a hard time picking myself up again. but i always learn my lesson and i do pick myself up and get going again.

~leah

Blessed are the peacemakers

Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart,

for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

 

Matthew 5:3-10