Why I Won't Hook Up With You

So if you want me, I don't come cheap.

Keep my hand in your hand

& your heart on your sleeve.

::k.clarkson

It has taken me a while to get to a place where I am today. Where I can confidently say, no, I won't hook up with you. Because, to be honest, in the past I haven't been strong enough. I equated sex with love. I thought if I gave it up, I'd get a relationship. It took tears, heartbreak and years to find out otherwise. So I have this to say.


Dear every man that has tried to hook up with me:

I won't do it.
I won't hook up with you.
I'm better than that.
I don't WANT that.
I don't want to feel used and abused.
I want to be loved.
Not taken advantage of.
I don't know where you get off thinking that I don't want anything more than a hot night of sex.
Am I not worthy?
I hope that the man who I end up in a relationship with will respect me for the simple reason that I do not hook up.

3 dates in one weekend?

Confession: I enjoy dating.

I'm always up for being set up. I have a profile on a couple different online sites. I live my life just like normal but if someone offers to set me up with someone, I'm all in. If anything, I either get a great story out of it or a new friend. It is always fun. I'm very social and I love meeting new people.

That said, as of late I've kicked up my online dating. I've had a few trusted friends read my profile and offer advice. I updated photos, edited my profile and took some initiative to send some messages.

I've got three (3) prospects at the moment and hope to get an initial meeting set up soon.

I don't get nervous until about 30 minutes before we meet. It's at the moment I'm getting ready to leave my apartment that I question what in the HELL I am doing. Going to meet a stranger with hopes they LIKE me, or something? That's when I call or text my best friend and she gives me a confidence boost and pushes me to go.

So, the prospects.

I've exchanged quite a few emails with "the fish guy" (inspiration for the last post). Even with his half-assed grammar and photos with 40 dead fish, I'm still going to meet him. Why? I have nothing to lose. He seems genuine and hard working, he's tall and cute. I have to call him tonight to set something up for Saturday. I'm thinking mid-day coffee. Although, something about the dead fish doesn't scream "coffee guy" to me. Maybe we'll go to Applebee's.

We've got an actor/comedian turned corporate guy. That sounds fun. I'm curious about how someone majors in theater in college then works in the corporate world. He has challenged me  to a hair competition. He said in a message that it seems like I have nice hair (LOL) and he's always been told HE has great hair. It's not long or anything, just normal, short McDreamy-ish hair. I have to say, I do have great hair. Only because of my salon and the amazing products I use. I'm positive I'll win. But I digress.

Finally, we've got the suburban living, Minnesota Twins-loving IT guy. I've only exchanged 2 emails with him but he seems like he has it together. He's got a big boy job and a house, and is right in my ideal age range at 25. I was drawn to his profile because of the MN Twins hat he was wearing. I clearly said that in the message (because I'm taking initiative). *Update: we've exchanged a few more emails I'm not impressed with the grammar... ex: "I haven't been to a Wild game yet neither". Also he gave me his cell number and said to text him. I also won't do this because that sets things up to be weird, and it is a whole other post... "why you shouldn't text someone before you meet them".

I've decided to try to squeeze all three in this weekend because, well, why not. I have nothing to lose.

I've got a busy weekend ahead, because in addition to this, I'm going with a couple friends to the Minnesota Beard Off at the Turf Club in St. Paul.

Until next time!

L

i'm sorry for you, just so you know.

Things with C ended... because as I may or may not have shared, well.. I won't blast it out here but it's over. the truth is... there was nothing to end.

he didn't answer my calls
I went to his house once from a dating period of April through November
he only emailed me from his work email

I should have seen the signs.
I should have quit before I knew I'd be broken.

the bottom line is, I don't know the truth. I don't know the back story. But apparently some girl is "in love" with him.
he led me on.
he lied to me.
he told me beautiful words and tricked me into believing fallacies.

I've been through my fair share of break-ups, really, I have. But for some reason, this one still stings.

I'm hurt. Someone told me they cared for me. Someone told me I was beautiful, amazing, a wonderful woman. I feel betrayed. Lied to. Tricked. Used.

This "ended" almost a month ago. I'm still bitter. I'm sick to my stomach. It brings me to tears. I'm angry. I quite literally want to smack him, kick him and cry in his face.

But I won't. I'm strong. I'm better than that. And I am fine, generally. It is just these randoms pangs of anger and bitterness that take me over.

Because I confronted him. And told him. And asked for an apology. Just a simple, "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Leah. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I led you on. I made a mistake."

I got nothing. nothing. 8 months of "dating"... and nothing?

I suppose I should take that silence and interpret it as him walking away.

Just needed to vent.

oh, and. this sara b song = <3....

say you're sorry

I want the one word that you refuse to say to me
You're so good at giving me responsibility
I wash my hands clean and let you watch me as I go
I'm sorry for you, just so you know


lmz.

Fear of Commitment

What does it mean to have a fear of commitment? It is rooted in fear - fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. Commitment phobia is the "technical" term for someone who is scared to commit. Someone might be scared to commit for many reasons: fear of the unknown, fear of being with one person, fear of self-actualization and that something will actually work. When do you stop making excuses for someone who is scared to commit and go on with your life?


Someone who has a fear of commitment can talk the talk, but not walk the walk. He'll make plans for the future and say things like "when we're married" or "when you move in with me" but doesn't follow through. This quote I found exemplifies the exact way this works:

"It's easy to be seduced by pretty words, but unless there's follow-through in the end, you're left with nothing to hold onto but an empty promise." quote found here

I've gone back and forth, racked my brain, given up, been done and gone back with this guy. A simple search of my blog with the tag CH brings up all the posts about him. http://lmz87.blogspot.com/search/label/CH

 

My realization of the real issue here came to me this morning. After recollecting the events that occured last night, it hit me. He's scared to commit. He likes me - he says he likes me. I believe him.

 

We made plans to get pizza and have a low-key night. The plans were firmed up in the morning. At 4:30pm I got a text.

"you may not want to see me tonight. I just threw up." him

"that's on you, however you feel." me

"I'll let you know in the next half hour" him

I was pissed, angry, hurt, upset, sad. Mostly sad. I seem to be disappointed by his actions more times than not. I build it up to be something it's not and I'm left sad and heartbroken. But for some reason, I can't quit him. I don't know why.

I call him.

I don't want to waste the next 30 minutes questioning in my head if he actually is sick or if he's making excuses not to see me.

 

Had a quick convo.

Rescheduled.

I Said some rude things.

Hung up.

 

I texted.

 

"I'm sorry you're not feeling well but actually I rescind my offer for Sunday. i'm done with your excuses and I get that you're not interested. Good luck."

"Ok, but I'd rather be with you than throwing up. Sorry you don't believe me" him

"It isn't that I don't believe you I'm sure you're sick I'm just disappointed I really wanted to see you and have a normal night and I always get disappointed when I let myself get excited about seeing you something falls through. And you always put it on me, it's frusting and I'm sick of being let down."

 

In the past, when I freak out, he runs. He's gone. But he kept at it...

 

"How am I putting it on you?"

" "you might not want to see me" I don't care if you're sick I can understand not wanting go out to eat when you don't feel well but it's not like I'm a stranger or someone you've had two dates with. I've known you for over a year I am not scared of you not feeling well. Maybe you could try "why don't you come over here and hang out" would have been good"

 

After this he suggested that he picks me up from work and we hang out at my apartment. I went back and forth. I wanted to be firm, put my foot down and say NO I am done. But I wanted to see him. I was excited. I LIKE HIM.

 

{In his defense, he's a good guy. He's cute. He's tall, brown hair, brown eyes, amazing smile. Sense of humor. Great job, great life goals. Great family (from what he says). Can hold a conversation. My only drawback is that he wears cargo khaki's, but mostly just spite me}

 

He picked me up, told me he wanted to talk to me and it wasn't bad. We picked up pizza to go and went over to my best friend's apartment and we all watched a movie together. After the movie we went to my apartment and he spilled his heart to me. He told me he didn't want to never see me again, and he got that vibe from my texts. He told me he thinks I'm beautiful and amazing, smart and sexy.

 

I have concluded that it is fear to commit. But, how can you feel this way about someone and not want to "lock it down", seal the deal, etc? That's what I don't get... Maybe I'm just making more excuses than needed but I've researched fear of commitment, how to date someone with this fear and how to get them to open up and overcome their fears.

So for now, I go forward. I am guarded, I am not going to lie. I am numb to him since I haven't really opened up 100%. So what's next...

 

I'm not sure. I'll try to keep you posted.

lmz.

 



new, new, new, new, new.

Hi!

I have a new little set up here. I added an information page and a blogroll of my favorite blogs. I fiddled with the layout a bit. I'm excited to hopefully vamp up my personal blog and separate it from my school blog. I want to sort of figure out a direction for this blog. So, stay tuned.

As for what's new in my life...?

Brother is still crashing on the couch. Meh. It's not ideal but I love the kid, so what are ya gonna do? My friend Jacq moved into the building next door. Now I have 3 BFF's on my corner! So fun, and helps me keep sanity, for sure.

School is busy.

I was fully convinced that I was going to drop math class because I. Hate. Math. But, alas, my girlfriends in class told me to suck it up. My other class is great - promotional communications. I love it!

Dating is... non-existent.

Given the fact whenever I'm in public with my brother I'm convinced others think we're together (as evidenced by 2 neighbors asking or mentioning "your girlfriend"). Lately it's be the two-date curse. For a while it was just the one-date curse. After one date it was obvious by either party that it wasn't going to work. The last two prospects, Matt & Mr. Mechanic, have been two-daters.

Recap on Matt & Mr. Mechanic...

Matt was really cool and we had a ton of fun. Met for coffee, which turned into rollerskating at disco night and a movie and beer at his friends house. 2nd date entailed dinner at a cool local pub, walk by the river and drinks at another cool bar. I hadn't overthought things as I normally do and was not concerned about when I'd see him, what we'd do, where it was going to go, etc. I was quite proud of myself! Anyway, I ended up getting an email from him saying I was really great but he just wanted to continue with a friendship (I hadn't even questioned anything...?). He stated he thought it'd be difficult to date given the fact I didn't have a car and we lived 30 miles away (bogus). He then stated he wanted me to be his "city guide" and show him all the cool places I talked about in the city (no). As of now - this was about a month ago - I haven't heard from him. So much for wanting to be friends. Why do guys say that, anyway? That's a whole other post.

mr. mechanic, hard at work.

Mr. Mechanic is still fresh in my mind and was a set-up by my mother. My mother had been insistent to this man (hard to call him a man, he's 21!) that I was "so beautiful, smart, photogenic and great" and she'd "really like him as a son-in-law" (that's awkward). Anyway, we did the facebook exchange, he checked out OK and I was intrigued. We spend a good chunk of the day texting on Wednesday before our date. True to Leah form (instant gratification, no patience) we met up that night for a beer. We actually had really great conversation and touched subjects I've vowed never to get into on an inital meeting [politics, religion and family]. He texted afterward saying, "your a really cool person to talk to''. A) YOU'RE. not your. B) what does that mean? I decided not to analyze it and took it as a compliment. Said thanks and we'd talk soon.

He texted the next couple of days (multiple times) and called me on Friday night. We set up plans for Saturday. Another good time on Saturday night. Again, we got into some great deep conversation. We are definitely different and it was interesting to hear is view on some things. And since Saturday we've exchanged a couple texts but, nothing earth shattering, no plans for getting together again. Not a big deal to me, his loss, really (seeing as how I am so great).

So, since I've gotten over the one-daters, the two-daters... what's next?

whomp whomp, sad face.

The three daters? Well, my friends, that requires me to date. I don't quite have the time. Between work, school, trying to work out, brother(s) and trying to finish season 1 of Desperate Housewives and Mad Men, I don't have a lot of time for dating.

Oh, and another thing, as far as dating, I'm really learning a lot about my self. Mechanic man and I had COMPLETE opposite political views. Made our convos great but... in the end? Doubtful it would work.

And as my best friend Ella says, "at the end of the day, we don't love these hoes, but we always have each other" and "my relationship with you is the most satisfying and longest one I've ever been in."

LMZ

someday..

Mama there's no way you'll ever lose me
Giving me away is not goodbye
As you watch me walk down to my future
I hope tears of joy are in your eyes


'Cause he is good, so good
And he treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave

So don't you worry about me

Don't you worry about me

Dear Corey:

image from wehearit.com

Why must you continue to taunt me? You don't want to date me. You're clearly not interested in me. Don't email me. Maybe I should be stronger and not respond to your emails. Maybe I shouldn't initiate and email here and there. I clearly know you're bad news, seeing as how you've strung me along for all these months. Don't call me on my birthday (two times). Don't tell me you're going on a date tonight, because I really don't want to know. And don't tell me that you're not replacing me yet.


  





I'm a Crocus Hill kind of girl....



I don't know what to do, I mean I know we'll never be together. You're obsessed with crappy suburban towns, "little boxes on the hillside", strip malls, saving money, not going out and having a dry sense of humor. I like the city, and the country, but not a weird combination of the two, old buildings, not having a car, buying Coach purses and $8-per bottle nail polish. I like spending money to get my hair cut and colored versus your idea of just letting it grow until it's unmanageable and disgusting.



...not a little boxes kind of girl.




It's just blatant that nothing would transpire long-term between us. For some reason, I'm still drawn to you. Is it because you're kind of ass? Because you front SO hard, like you're just this heartless man, but I know deep down inside, and you have shown this side to me, that you're sweet and caring.  

  

But what I ask is that you please, just stop contacting me. And if I fall of the train and contact you, don't respond. Don't feed the fire. Because, for some reason, no matter what you do, how much you tell me nothing will happen, we'll never go anywhere, you add little tricks in there and tell me how beautiful, smart, amazing, funny, cute, sweet, sexy, awesome I am and bring me right back to square 1.

Sincerely,


Leah



Apparently I'm not long-term relationship material

I tried to keep quiet about it over the weekend but when I get really excited about things, I can't hold them in! I ended up having 2 dates with this guy, MT. I had sort of decided I was done dating all together and not making any effort on my online dating. I received a message on Friday and he seemed normal so I asked if he wanted to meet for coffee.

We met for coffee and that turned into going rollerskating with two of his friends! It was a blast! I was so refreshed that a nice, normal guy was around! He dropped me off, gave me a hug and said we'd chat soon. We ended up having a 2nd date on Sunday evening. Again, a great time! More relaxed, dinner, walk and a beer on a patio. We had great conversation and I thought there was a great spark there. We left it that we'd be in touch throughout the week but should go to karaoke on Thursday evening.

I refrained from texting on Monday (didn't want to be annoying. BTW, I hate dating rules) and he ended up texting me! We had a good text convo on Monday night. Tuesday I emailed him. I didn't hear back all day long but I wasn't too concerned since it was after Labor Day, most people are pretty busy. I was CRAZY busy at work that day!

Later in the day I got an e-mail response from him. He said he has spent a lot of time thinking about it and decided he wanted to "expand our friendship". He then proceeded to explain that our distance (30 miles) and the fact I didn't have a car (I'm a city cat!) has led him to this decision. He said he doesn't see a long-term relationship happening with me. He then said he wants me to be his city tour-guide in the future. (You can drive the 20 minutes to STP for me to show you around but you can't drive the 20 minutes to date me?)

It was towards the end of my work day when I got the email. Of course I had gushed to my co-workers about my amazing dates and how I was excited to "not screw this one up". Picture 3 women, hovering over my desk, reading my response, saying "just be friends! He'll fall in love with you!' and my best friend on the phone saying, "Leah! You're the rule! Not the exception! Tough cookies! If he doesn't like me now, he's not going to like you in 6 months!"

I ended up replying that it was fine, thanks for being honest, but if it's OK I'd like to take a couple days and think on it before I decide! Because, here I was, so excited and jazzed up for a nice, normal, TALL, cute, funny, CATHOLIC boy, right?! He texted and said that was fine and he wanted me to know that he thinks I'm really great, awesome, cute, etc. but the whole car thing just makes it seem easier to be friends.

I got to thinking about the whole, "I don't see myself in a long-term relationship" with you. And the last couple of guys I had more than 2 dates with told me the same thing!

Corey: We had our first couple dates in September 2009, got busy and stopped talking, then started again in January. I chose to date Luke (more below) instead after Corey told me he was emotionless & heartless. Corey and I ended up dating from mid-March to mid-August. One night Corey told me that he thinks I'm great, beautiful, smart, funny and amazing BUT... didn't see anything long-term because I am too emotional and I want to make my life in the city (versus he wants the suburbs)

Luke: We dated from late January 2010 through early March 2010. It was good! I was really happy, we were really happy. Out of the blue one night he said he that he was breaking up with me because he couldn't give me what I needed: I needed too much affirmation (he wasn't one to give compliments) and he didn't see anything long-term.

So looking at the track record, I begin to question myself. Apparently I'm not LTR material. But I'm also not short-term relationship material? Or are they saying that because I'm not LTR material, why waste time with a STR?

I suppose I can see where they're coming from. I actually told another guy I spent some time with that I didn't see it going anywhere. Which was 100% true, we didn't really have that much in common and I just didn't get that "spark". I do give MT and Luke props for not dragging it out like Corey did, in the end making the hurt worse. Props to guys that can be real and honest. Thank you those guys that have enough guts to let a girl down gently versus being a complete ass about it. Here it's more of a sting; you get up, dust off, and try again. I fully intend to dust myself off and try again.

this is sort of irrelevant but good, nonetheless.

It's all about the lessons learned. 2010 has been quite the learning year for me. Through all of this I've learned so much about who I am and what I ultimately need in a relationship. For now I'm back to not actively pursuing dating and focusing on all of things I've got going on in my life!

Until next time,

LMZ

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Infidelity. Cheating. Unfaithfulness. Call it what it is, because it is what it is. But lately I've been thinking: once a cheater, always a cheater?

I'll put myself out here and say that I've been in my fair share of relationships. I'll be completely honest and say I've been unfaithful in a relationship. I am wracking my brain to think if it was more than one relationship, but as I'm seeing, I'm thinking it's just the one. Everyone can define it differently; whether it's making-out with someone, sharing an emotional connection or having a full on all night sex session. I have good friends whose relationships (and marriages) have ended because of it. I've had friends who have been dating guys you would *never* see as a cheater, but that one drunken make-out sesh on spring break in Florida sure did end it all. Now that I think about it, the majority of my close group of friends have been cheated on or dumped and then the guys are in a new relationship within a few short days (sketchy). I'm pretty sure the reason I didn't fight for my relationship is because I figured this other dude would be right there waiting (false).

I'd like to think there's some sort of redemption. Okay, so I've cheated, but the relationship was doomed, anyway, right? It was going to end it wast just a matter of when. Excuses. Justification. So does it mean that since I've cheated, I'm always a cheater? Sure my younger years got the best of me. But I've learned from my mistakes. So although I feel I should be pardoned for my mistake(s), I think that someone makes a conscious decision to do such things. Personally, I think if you're being unfaithful, there's a reason. Whether it's the idea of the chase, not being attracted anymore, a love-less marriage, the thought of being with another person (because nowadays us gals have to worry about our guy leavin' for a dude! Or a chick with big man arms), there's a reason.

When you're dating and the "ex-files" are opened, should you be honest? And if they can't accept that, too bad? {I've always been and always will be honest. I'm not proud but, as much as I hate this saying, it is what it is.The past can't be changed. The future is what matters} I think of the situations turned: I'm dating someone that I'm really into and they tell me they've been unfaithful. Does that mean I'm going to trust them less? What if they never told me and I gave the same amount of trust as I give everyone?

Let's just say, the bottom line is that I hope that I find myself in a loving, trusting relationship down the road. Regardless of the past, I hope I can extend the same amount of trust to someone as I'd like them to extend to me.

lmz

& this is not to say
they'll never come  a day
I take my chances and start again
but when I look behind
on all my younger times
I'll have to thank the wrongs
that led me to a love so strong
perfectly lonely //john mayer\\