Don't let me go.

Maybe I am just being nostalgic or maybe I'm being emo. It's my birthday tomorrow...to me, a birthday, is a birthday. It's a day. I mean, yeah, I'm another year older, whoop de do. I guess it sort of hit me that I haven't had a boyfriend in a whole year. I've dated, and the most recent of that is obviously as we know, Corey. Corey's birthday was in May. I made him dinner and we went for a walk and watched a movie. To me, his birthday was quite meaningful. Actually, to both of us it was meaningful, and he did express to me. Corey and I are speaking terms, I even hung out with him like 2 weeks ago... and I won't even get an acknowledgement of the fact it's my birthday, and it hurts... is that wrong? [I obviously spoke too soon. a) my birthday isn't until tomorrow and b) as I was composing this I got an email from him....

Hope you're doing well and you're looking forward to your birthday tomorrow.

I am not going to sit and overanalyze it. Yup, I am doing well. Yes, I am looking forward to my birthday. That is all on that subject. ] 

I think what may have gotten me is this: I was at dinner with my cousin & his wife, for her birthday. They're older, in their mid-30's. My aunt asked A what her favorite birthday has been and she shared that since her and T started dating, her birthdays have been better since she's had someone to celebrate with. She also said she wouldn't re-live her 20's for anything {so i've heard from a lot my older friends].

It's my first birthday as a single girl! I can already hear it....

all the single ladies

all the single ladies

put your hands up

...cause if you like it then you shoula put a ring on it

lmz

Today.

I am going to lunch at Meritage with Tracy & Demetri to celebrate mine & Demetri's birthday.

Me, Tracy, Jen & Demetri {halloween, 2008}

Me & Demetri, Halloween. Oh fun.

Haha, my 21st birthday, Demetri & me.... I was a little.... belligerant.

I was a mess. A mess!

Ah, 23. How exciting.

lmz

Friday, friends!

Happy Friday, friends!

One of my favorite things is going to bed on Thursday knowing that when I wake up on Friday I am one day closer to the weekend! Minnesota Summer weekends are my favorite, especially when it's beautiful outside. There is so much to do and so many things to take advantage of.

My weekend plans consist of : laying low tonight and reading my new book (Fly Away Home by Jennifer Weiner); Minnesota State Fair tomorrow; Local Union 455 picnic on Sunday and dinner for my cousin's wife's birthday at It's Greek To Me in the beautiful Minneapolis. Busy weekend!

I thought this could be fun and I came across it at Krysten's Blog.

{I couldn't resist: a shirtless man, and a cat. c'mon!}

1. The most adventurous thing I've done is: I do a lot of adventurous things but I suppose most recently my friend Laura & I drove to IL to see John Mayer & on Sunday we spent the day downtown Chicago. I drove us into town, found us parking and got us out. It was kind of cool for a city girl!

2. If I were a pair of shoes I would be: I want to say a rockin' pair of heels however, heels are notorious for killing feet and, well, I'm not a murderer. I'd say flip flops! Comfy, never get old and usually cute.

3. My preferred mode of digital communication is: Texting, I like to text. I also enjoy an old fashioned phone conversation. Sometimes texts can become miscontrued and that's what the words hit the fan!

4. I feel happiest when: When I am content, when things are going my way and when I know what to expect.

5. A little dream I have for my life is: to do something out of the ordinary that no one would except, like become a cop or join the military.

6. The one modern convenience I could NOT do with out is: only one? my gosh... I'd say... Google. + access to Google from my blackberry. I use it daily.

7. Music, movies, TV or Books - if I could only choose one to enjoy I would pick: toss up between music and books. I'd say music, an iPod full of great music is a simple pleasure in life.

until next time,

lmz

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Infidelity. Cheating. Unfaithfulness. Call it what it is, because it is what it is. But lately I've been thinking: once a cheater, always a cheater?

I'll put myself out here and say that I've been in my fair share of relationships. I'll be completely honest and say I've been unfaithful in a relationship. I am wracking my brain to think if it was more than one relationship, but as I'm seeing, I'm thinking it's just the one. Everyone can define it differently; whether it's making-out with someone, sharing an emotional connection or having a full on all night sex session. I have good friends whose relationships (and marriages) have ended because of it. I've had friends who have been dating guys you would *never* see as a cheater, but that one drunken make-out sesh on spring break in Florida sure did end it all. Now that I think about it, the majority of my close group of friends have been cheated on or dumped and then the guys are in a new relationship within a few short days (sketchy). I'm pretty sure the reason I didn't fight for my relationship is because I figured this other dude would be right there waiting (false).

I'd like to think there's some sort of redemption. Okay, so I've cheated, but the relationship was doomed, anyway, right? It was going to end it wast just a matter of when. Excuses. Justification. So does it mean that since I've cheated, I'm always a cheater? Sure my younger years got the best of me. But I've learned from my mistakes. So although I feel I should be pardoned for my mistake(s), I think that someone makes a conscious decision to do such things. Personally, I think if you're being unfaithful, there's a reason. Whether it's the idea of the chase, not being attracted anymore, a love-less marriage, the thought of being with another person (because nowadays us gals have to worry about our guy leavin' for a dude! Or a chick with big man arms), there's a reason.

When you're dating and the "ex-files" are opened, should you be honest? And if they can't accept that, too bad? {I've always been and always will be honest. I'm not proud but, as much as I hate this saying, it is what it is.The past can't be changed. The future is what matters} I think of the situations turned: I'm dating someone that I'm really into and they tell me they've been unfaithful. Does that mean I'm going to trust them less? What if they never told me and I gave the same amount of trust as I give everyone?

Let's just say, the bottom line is that I hope that I find myself in a loving, trusting relationship down the road. Regardless of the past, I hope I can extend the same amount of trust to someone as I'd like them to extend to me.

lmz

& this is not to say
they'll never come  a day
I take my chances and start again
but when I look behind
on all my younger times
I'll have to thank the wrongs
that led me to a love so strong
perfectly lonely //john mayer\\

This weekend...

My friend from work, Laura, and I are taking a road trip to Tinley Park, Illinois! We're so excited. Why TP, you ask?

This guy:

I am super into his new sleeve tat....

But a little less impressed with his belly...

Then again, he does have better things to do than GTL (gym, tan, laundry - obvi)

And... if he happens to propsose to me. I will say yes!

"since you're over me now, can we be friends?"

I've been thinking lately about being friends with exes after the break up. In general, it's frowned upon. It seems like everywhere you go and whatever you do after a break up is consumed with the relationship: the [over] analyzing it, sad break up songs, missing them, wanting them back, getting back together, only to break up again. In general, I'm not friends after a break up. I've had the "it's not you, it's me, but I still want to be your friend" break up. I've had the messy break up that doesn't really end, and I've had the "we just don't have enough in common, but let's still be friends" break up. That's the most recent, actually. With CH. Although I call it a break up, we were never "official" (labels could be a whole other blog). We don't have enough in common to sustain a relationship, but we can create a friendship? We weren't even friends to begin with. So how can we be friends, after jumping into a 'dating' relationship? All of the these things. I think being friends with an ex has pros and cons.

I recently had to tell an ex (D) that I couldn't be in his life right now. This is one big relationship, and way back on my blog most posts are about our relationship. We had a rocky relationship, but it was good overall. He (and his family) has been pivotal in my life. When I told him, he cried. I was quite surprised. I've gone back and forth with him, we had a brief 'should we try this again' during the Fall of 2009. I thought it was all great until he told me he met someone and was going to date her. I was crushed. We didn't speak until they were on the rocks. They've since broken up and he's dating someone else (serial monogamous, much?). He's always the one that's told me you need to be single after a break up, "re discover" yourself and that crap. Everything pretty fine and dandy, he was casually dating her, I was casually dating CH, and we were spending time together. (We actually all hung out one time. That was awkward. This was also the first night CH brought me back to his place.)

Then he told me he's exclusive with the new girl. I was okay with it. I spent the weekend with his family at their cabin (I'm close to the family). That really solidified the fact I couldn't be friends with him. I thought I could, but hearing him be mushy gushy on the phone to her, wondering if he was texting her, all the while he's being affectionate with me? Not fair. He can't have his cake, and eat it too. When I told D that I couldn't spend time with him his automatic accusation was because I wasn't in a relationship. That is only a teeny bit true, but mostly I didn't (and don't) agree with his relationship. He just got out of a pretty intense relationship and it's not even over and he's dating someone else? Not to mention she's super sweet and hasn't been in a relationship. He's (I feel) using her as a pawn in his life for something I'm not quite sure of. They have different views on a couple major issues. It just doesn't seem right to me. So I've decided no, I can't have him around. 


Back to CH. I emailed him to let him know I was doing OK after his "we can't be together, I don't see myself with you, you're too emotional and moody" talk on Thursday [8-12-10, while I'm in excruciating pain the night before a root canal]. When he left I was crying and a bit of a mess (ugh).



Anyhow, he says, well, since you're over me, can we be friends now? I responded and told him, no. I didn't want to be his friend. Why would I be friends with someone that wasn't my friend before our dating experience? And the nail in the coffin? A few weeks ago I had a very stressful afternoon at work. I was even more stressed and upset when I got home only to be locked out of my apartment. I wanted to sit on my stoop, smoke a pack of Marb's and listen to sad music. I sent CH a text saying, "I had a really bad day. I need a hug. Come over after class?". Never responded. I'm sorry but if you're my friend and I tell you I'm stressed and upset, you respond with a simple text or a call. You can even Slydial me. The next day I inquired and he stated, "no big deal, just went out after class." So, no. If you can't come to rescue when I'm upset. I can't be your friend.

Even on TV - Carrie & Mr. Big; Ross & Rachel... they can't even remain friends. One always feels something for the other, and even though they have other relationships and marriages, they end up together. Is society drilling into our heads that once it's over, it's never really over?

 

I guess the bottom line is, if there's a history there, or still something going on, you can't be friends. This is just my opinion. If a relationship ends rough or not 'mutually' I almost don't see a point. I think it's individual discretion.

Until next time in single girl world,

LMZ.

Well the truth, well it hurts to say
I'm gonna pack up my bags and I'm gonna go away
I'm gonna split, I can't stand it

I'm gonna give it up and quit and aint never coming back
-jerrod niemann, lover lover

Resisting Temptation

I decided I'm sick of being fat. {Okay I know I'm not "fat" but I'm just not happy with myself.}

I want to be in better shape.

I want to quit smoking. (haven't had one since Sunday)

I want to run (another) 5k, a half marathon, and maybe someday a whole dang marathon!

I was sick of thinking, making excuses and saying, well starting tomorrow I'll work out, starting tomorrow I'll quit smoking. I wasn't going to blog about it because then if I fail or just don't do it, then I've set myself up for success, only to fail.

let's just say: it's thursday. So far = so good! I've been keeping a daily food log and counting my calorie intake.

[The only 'naughty' thing I did was have a chocolate bar (half of a mini one) the other day. But a girl needs chocolate!]

I went for a nice long roller blade session on Tuesday night. It's been *so* hot out that I can barely muster up the energy to put clothes on and go to work let alone work out, outside nonetheless.

For my birthday: buying a gym membership in the area (options include: Anytime Fitness, YWCA St. Paul, Statera Fitness or LA Fitness) & yoga package at Corepower Yoga.

The purpose of this afternoon's blog is to share that I have resisted tempation in two ways today.

1. Better than sex cake in the cafeteria...

I could devour this in a second. Staring at it makes my mouth water. But not water enough to not eat ANYTHING ELSE the rest of the day. Or week for that matter.

2. $2 ANY SIZE cold drink at Caribou

Got back to my desk after saying "NO" to the cake and had a coupon for any size cooler for $2. We all know I love the 'bou. And I love their coolers.

So here I am. At my desk. Drinking my 1 guilty pleasure (diet coke) and chewing bubblemint gum. Oh I do have to share I had a chocolate chip/cherry muffin for breakfast. With my banana and oatmeal.

*disclaimer, going out of town this weekend to see Mr. Mayer (aka myfuturehusband/dreamboat/ILOVETHISMAN) IN Illinois. I will not be counting for Saturday/Sunday. I think that's OK.

go me :)

lmz

I'm a lover, not a fighter

I'm sort of like a turtle. On the outside I have a hard shell, but I'm soft on the inside. I may appear to be tough and strong but really I'm vulnerable and weak. I know this about myself, however I still tend to put myself in situations where I am destined to be hurt. I also don't have patience so I don't like ''waiting for things to cool off'', which is probably why when I do 'fight' it's so intense - I can't just take time to myself and relax, I have to go, go, go at that moment.

So when my best friend starts personally attacking me for something that has *nothing* to do with me, I have a hard time not taking it personally. I will not get into specifics but I will just say I feel as though I've been emotionally beaten, for something I had no part of, whatsoever. I explained that I didn't want to get into the middle, that it's between her and my brother, but it kept coming. The worst part of having someone so close to you (i.e. a best friend) is that they know what to do and say to hurt you. However, the bottom line should be that they would not use these things against you.

This is why I need to remember to just never let anyone get close to me, for fear of being hurt. Okay, I know I can't do that. I'm just not sure what to do. I can't not take things personally.

I'm a city girl, and if you don't like it, get bent.

Alright that's kind of harsh but while suggesting dates to CH and throwing out going to Como Zoo and having a picnic, this is the response I get:

I'm fine hanging out in the city, I just mean that you're a city person. It is just clear. I don't know how to put it. You know how you can tell that some people just belong in one area? Like how you can take the boy out of the country but you can't take the country out of the boy? Well, you're just a city person.

Don't you just love how he says those things?

Well you know what, I am a city person. And I love the city. I think really I am a Saint Paul person. Saint Paul is beautiful, lakes, rivers... old buildings, beautiful parks, trails, paths, restaurants and bars. It's beautiful. There are so many different neighborhoods and each neighborhood has it's own feel and community. For example, I live in the Grand Avenue area which is full of young adults and young couples. After I get married I'd either stay in my area or head over the Cathedral Hill until I buy my house in Highland Park or Mac/Groveland, where I'd raise my children with my city-loving husband.

This is not say I don't enjoy going away to the cabin. I'd say I'm just not a 'suburb' girl. I don't want to live in a cookie cutter neighborhood exactly 15 miles outside of downtown.

I <3 you, Saint Paul.

LOVE

Just wanted to share a picture of this super cute new bag I bought over my lunch break....

And yes it is okay to be totes jeal!

Oh, hey!

49 day until my birthday. I'll be 23. I am excited. Being 23 sounds so much better than 22. I think 23 will be a great year.

Build me up, buttercup.

Why do you build me up Buttercup, baby

Just to let me down and mess me around

And then worst of all you never call, baby

When you say you will but I love you still

I need you  more than anyone, darlin'

You know that I have from the start

So build me up Buttercup, don't break my heart

Good old CH always playing his mind games... He's emailing me during the day, like normal, surface things then mentions stopping by tonight for a bit after his night class. I said that'd be fine, then 10 mins later says, 'actually tonight's probably not going to work'. I hate how he literally just builds me up, makes me so happy and excited, and then WHAM! he changes it.

Is it me? I am just building up the excitement in my head or is he partially to blame? I mean what are the other options? He doesn't say anything or give me a heads up and just calls or texts after class? I like knowing he's coming and knowing I'll get to see him. 

lmz

Something I can't say to CH in real life so I'll say it here...

[Cause he doesn't read this]

The original image is from http://loveinthedumps.com/0-features/cards/.

From the website, loveinthedumps.com - one my new favorite online blogs about dating, relationships, etc. I just took a new spin to this one.

Note to Self

"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life." -he's just not that into you

Attention! Stop! Leah Michele!

Read and repeat the above line. STOP making excuses for him. We've already gone over how I've given "him" {aka CH} the boot and how I have no patience. So, given all of these things, I've still caved and emailed or called or texted or seen him over the past 2 or whatever weeks it's been.

Friday night I went out to Barrio and Bulldog {lowertown} with some girls from work for a girls night. I love going out with these girls because they've got 8-10 years on me and have so much advice to offer on various topics - dating, work, life, etc. One gal specifically, let's call her T, and I were exchanging dating stories. T is beautiful - probably 6' tall, blonde, tan, great job and just an overall great girl. She's got a little boy who's around 6 and she's a great mom. She explained to me how she's dating 3 different guys right now and how she just got rid of one [funny thing is he has the same name is mine. Had to double check and make sure it wasn't the same guy, thankfully it wasn't]. 

  She went on to tell me that she was in a dating limbo with this guy for 7 months. I explained to her my whole situation - the "circle of CH", the going back and forth, dating for months before even going to his house, etc... and she said it was the exact same thing with her guy! So she said just the day before she dumped him for good. She told me, there will be SOMETHING that will just make you quit, for good. And then you'll realize there are so many other great guys out there, and you'll be okay. It was so refreshing to hear that from a smart girl who has been there before.

I've had my ah-ha moment... the one where I realized I was having literally anxiety attacks over THIS GUY, who didn't want to hang out with me because:

a) his toe hurt and he had to soak it

b) he had to work his 2nd job (til 7pm)

c) he doesn't want to drive 10 miles to my apartment

(all excuses I've gotten in the past two weeks from him, btw)

I've done like Carrie on Sex and the City (the movie), where Carrie sends all of Big's e-mail to a secret folder where she can't read it. I've sent all of CH's emails to my junk mail and I don't wanna see them.

I want him to disappear. I don't want to feel that way over someone that isn't even my boyfriend! I don't want those crazies over some douche bag that will not even respond to a damn text message.

Today was fine - I was so busy at work I had no time whatsoever to really think about overthinking the whole situation.

I'm worried about the coming days but whenever I think about emailing/texting/calling him, I'm repulsed. And kind of want to vomit a little in my mouth. Nice image, I know. But hey, if it works....

lmz.

this time baby, I'll be bulletproof.

patience is a virtue.

...And it's a virtue I haven't quite mastered. I am working on but I have a problem with instant gratification and wanting things RIGHT away.

C.H. has made his way back into the picture {let's be honest. he never left. it's me. and it's him. did you not see the circle of CH? there's something bringing us back. and don't even get me started on all of the 'karma' things that have occured since I've known him. That's a whole different blog} and all I know is that the past week, specifically the last 2 times I've seen him, have been so great. He's so sweet and he's really making progress. (remember, he likes to take things slow). I went to his house for the first time. Last night he spent a good amount of time with my best friend and me. He met my brother. I think we're moving in a positive (albeit slow) direction.

It's hard for me to just slow. down. and enjoy the time we're spending together. All I want is to know "what's going to happen" "where is this going to go" and I spend my time overthinking the entire thing. And this is not what I want!

So starting right now, I am making a vow to myself to have patience. To be patient and let "this" work it's course. Because I like him. And he's cute. And sweet. And smart. And funny. And the more time I spend with him, the more I like him. And he has said the same thing.

because great things come to those who wait.

"patience is passion tamed" - Lyman Abbott

meow.

he's just *not* that into you.

"Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside." -He's Just Not That Into You, the book.

It's a simple concept. One that I tend to forget. If he likes you, he's going to call you. I watched HJNTY last night for a little refresher. Just a little ego boost to remind myself, in this world of dating and constant communication, I need to "check out", lay off, and chill out.

It's a tough world out there for a single girl!

"I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting." - Mary, He's Just Not That Into You (the movie)

Oh and another quote specific to Mr. CH (recently received "Das Boot" ) ... The one I kept making excuses for...

"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life."

So far, so true.

what a doll

Last night I got to see my sweet little friend Molly! We went Bonfire & Cafe Latte. She's so sweet and I love her! I'll miss her when she goes to San Fran for, like, ever (okay like 18 days). Molly is so sweet and I'm so excited she's moved back to the TC (even though she's in MPLS). We're going to have a blast!

lmz

ps: notice how I'm not on my "good side"?

Das Boot

Ah, as delicious as that boot of beer looks (head here to get this bad boy in real life!), this blog is not about beer in a glass the shape of a boot. It's about giving the boot. I gave "the boot" to a certain someone today... {let's call him CH} Now, I've given CH "the boot"  many times, however, with CH it's a vicious circle. A circle that I take full blame for continuing.. and made into a chart. See exhibit A.

Exhibit A (ok I made a chart but I'm not techie enough to get it on here. It's cute - circles and arrows and all)

1. 
   
   Spend time with CH
2. 
   
   Realize my feelings for CH and become scared because they're not reciprocated or if they are they aren't acted upon.
3. 
   
   Tell CH that since he won't "man up" I can't see him anymore
4. 
   
   CH says something to the effect of, "his loss" or just change the subject. OR he'll do something sweet like come over or say something nice 
5. 
   
   Miss CH so email/call him to tell him that I want to see him again.. then it goes back to the beginning.

 So after yet another weekend of "tentative" plans, I decided that CH needed the boot. I sent an e-mail, it got kind of lengthy, and he (as most men) doesn't respond well to long e-mails so I followed up with a second email. Short and sweet. Unlike him. He's tall. And bitter. Hah! Anyways, second e-mail said something along the lines of, I can't see you anymore. I want a boyfriend and a relationship and that's just not happening here. I'm sure we can still be friends. Don't tell me that it's "your loss", cause we both that it is.

I can't even say how many times we've done this vicious circle since we started dating in March. Probably 5 -6 . How draining. So full of drama, and so unnecessary. Don't get me wrong, CH is actually really great. We get along really well  - from our first date in October, we hit it off. A lot in common (except he loves the suburbs, ick... I'm a city girl!) I'm actually really into him (less the drama) and we do have a great connection. But all of the good things unfortunately don't outweigh the bad. Part of the reason it's so hard to stick with dropping him is just that there's something that continues to draw me back,  He tells me things like "I like you soo much", "you're soo great", "I respect all you do for your family and your brothers" and then says things like "I won't date you cause you say what's on your mind and it makes me nervous", "I won't let us hang out at my house cause I think you'll never leave", "I wish it were 2 years down the road and you were a little older, a little more mature and a little more advanced in your career". So, given all of these things, I decided it was time.

And I'm interpreting his silence as tacit compliance. :)

 

until next time:

lmz

I don't know where it is, but something's gotta give.

Something's gotta give me butterflies

Something's gotta make me feel alive

Something's gotta give me dreams at night

Something's gotta make me feel alright

I don't know where it is

But something's gotta give

-Lee Ann Rimes


Happy Friday! I never thought it would arrive, but... it's here. Busy weekend ahead...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tgf7MpQ0c4

{to do}

**this is from my secret blog with my girlies, lyss, megs and carrie, but I wanted to share on here!**
I've decided to start a little list, a bucket list, if you will.
Some are long term, others are short term.
& I'll keep adding

See The Lion King on Broadway.

Go to New York (never been)

Spend a lot of time watching Shark Week 2010.

eat more chocolate cake.

eat less meat.

spend more time in the sun [with sunscreen]

Fall crazy in {forever} love with a sweet man.

**But don't just fall in love to fall in love. Real love**

Wear hot pink shoes to my wedding. Or maybe have hot pink fingernails.

Spend less time worrying.

Dance.

Go to Chicago!

Continue with no pop or coffee (it's been HELL, btw)

Smile. ---> Every. Single. Day.

Go to Marketfest a few times Summer 2010.

Be the best friend I can be to my g.i.r.l.s.

go to California.

Have a wonderful birthday, pedicures and cake included.

Continue to re-mix songs with Ella.

Rollerblade.

Don't settle.

Save more money.

Buy more shoes.

Go to the cabin.

Pray.

Finish out my class STRONG.

Meaning: knock out this final paper and those 18 journals in the next 17 days.

Earn a good great grade in said class.

Prepare for two {2} classes this fall... math & promotional communications.

Be a sister, not a *mom* to my brothers.

be a mom to my cat(s)