personal.

my blog is a place that I express innermost feelings. I don't really edit or sensor myself. mostly because a) no one really reads this and b) if they do, they're probably a close friend.

My post below re: over analyzing really got me thinking today (HA!). I needed to jot down some notes and it helped me to map out these issues that are bothering me. I also did some research.

Here it is:

I am over analytical and I have a need for affirmation. The first (being over analytical) stems from using that as a coping mechanism as a child, the desire to "be better" than what I was, I analyzed to protect myself.

The second (need for affirmation) is rooted in low self-esteem, I seek in relationships what I didn't get as a child, i.e. affirmations and compliments. So the question then is how do I solve these?

My notes say:

1. Don't seek out a relationship for the wrong reasons
2. Be less emotional
3. Stop over analyzing.

I was glad to spend the afternoon really digging deep into these two issues that bother me. If I can't deal with them, I'll never be healthy.

What do you do...

...when you're an over analyzer? I over analyze. I pick apart words that are said and drive myself crazy trying to figure out what someone means when they're saying something. Is this rooted in the fact that I've been burned, jaded and hurt? so what are the things I am analyzing? my brain is constantly going 100 miles per minute (or so it seems). I wonder if this guy I had two dates with really wants to have a 3rd date like he says. I wonder if people are using me and have ill intentions.

something else I've noticed about myself, and this has been confirmed in the past. In fact a certain someone broke up with me because of (one of the many reasons) my "need for affirmation" #lame So, I know that I need compliments, I need affirmation from the person I am dating. Should I seek this out elsewhere so it doesn't need to be fulfilled by someone I'm dating?

Is it wrong to seek out affirmation? I don't think I actually SEEK it out. I am generally confident and happy. But, something I ask for in the person I'm dating is that they let me know, with words or actions, that they're into me. Is it too much?

lmz.

i'm sorry for you, just so you know.

Things with C ended... because as I may or may not have shared, well.. I won't blast it out here but it's over. the truth is... there was nothing to end.

he didn't answer my calls
I went to his house once from a dating period of April through November
he only emailed me from his work email

I should have seen the signs.
I should have quit before I knew I'd be broken.

the bottom line is, I don't know the truth. I don't know the back story. But apparently some girl is "in love" with him.
he led me on.
he lied to me.
he told me beautiful words and tricked me into believing fallacies.

I've been through my fair share of break-ups, really, I have. But for some reason, this one still stings.

I'm hurt. Someone told me they cared for me. Someone told me I was beautiful, amazing, a wonderful woman. I feel betrayed. Lied to. Tricked. Used.

This "ended" almost a month ago. I'm still bitter. I'm sick to my stomach. It brings me to tears. I'm angry. I quite literally want to smack him, kick him and cry in his face.

But I won't. I'm strong. I'm better than that. And I am fine, generally. It is just these randoms pangs of anger and bitterness that take me over.

Because I confronted him. And told him. And asked for an apology. Just a simple, "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Leah. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I led you on. I made a mistake."

I got nothing. nothing. 8 months of "dating"... and nothing?

I suppose I should take that silence and interpret it as him walking away.

Just needed to vent.

oh, and. this sara b song = <3....

say you're sorry

I want the one word that you refuse to say to me
You're so good at giving me responsibility
I wash my hands clean and let you watch me as I go
I'm sorry for you, just so you know


lmz.

Uffda.

Almost 3 weeks without a post, yeesh. So much in my head and so much going on in my life I just sort of forgot. I said what needed to be said to that jerk face and I'm over it. My heart is protected & I refuse to let someone in just to hurt me again.

Enough of that.


I've been a beast about the gym and I'm proud. I'm in a new relationship with myself. I've been *enjoying* the treadmill and walking and running. I love getting ready and going and feeling great after a work out. I don't want to see this, like I do now...

So, that is good. I guess that's really all.. I should probably work. It's pretty busy & I have a ton to do. Mer.

lmz.