Shattered.

I have gone back and forth and back and forth over how I feel about this. School. I know I hate it. It sucks. I hate sitting through night class after sitting at work all day. I bailed this semester. I dropped all 12 credits. I feel like a failure. The more I think about and the more I talk it through in my mind, I think it's OK. It's not something I'm proud of. For some reason, this semester has been really tough. I don't want to make excuses or try and justify anything but between working and breaking up, and moving...not to mention how I try and take everyone else's lives and fix them and take on that stress, it's been a lot. There are days where it takes everything to get out of bed. Days where I'd much rather not get up, shower, get ready for the day. And there are more of those days lately than normal. I'm still happy and smiling on the outside, but on the inside, I'm going nuts. I'm always anxious and overanalyzing every tiny detail of my life. I feel like a failure at 21, not done with (or really even close to) being done with school. I just want it all over. I just want it to be easy. I hate having to work for everything I have. I like having a safe and secure and job but I hate sitting in a cube all day. I have having to budget each paycheck for every single expense in my life. I am being really negative right now. I have many things to be grateful for my in life. I have a safe job, safe car, a great roof over my head. I have a family that loves me. I have wonderful friends who don't judge my mistakes. I know everyone has their ups and downs, but when does it get to be too much? When do you feel so overwhelmed and overloaded that you're at your breaking point? How do you overcome these feelings? I try to do it own my own. I try to wake and say, "today will be a good day". I turn on good music on the way to work, and I start to feel better. It's when I start thinking that I start going crazy.

Back to the school thing. I felt so overwhelmed. If I put my mind to it, I can do it. I had no motiviation. I started off strong but once the end of January, probably 2-3 weeks into the semester, hit, it was like there is nothing there. Even though I know how important it is for my finish school and how much I desire to have a degree, I couldn't get through it. I got lazy. Maybe it's because four years of a mediocre education has paid off for nothing. My 3rd time taking Comp I and I couldn't do it. Why can't I write a 2 page descriptive essay? There is nothing there; there is nothing inside my head. I sit down to write it and I can't. I am blank. I start typing. I type a page or two. I read it and I delete it.

My Grandma would tell me I need to suck it up and do it. She would tell me I have to work hard for what I have and that life isn't easy. She'd tell me that I have to deal the with the cards I have dealt. I know if I told her about dropping my entire courseload, she would be disappointed in me. I am disappointed in me. I know I have to get through this. This happens to me once every few years. This year, I can't just let it all go like I have in the past. I can't just up and leave my high school and move in with my grandma. I can't just cry for a few days in my room with my granny consoling me. I am an adult. I have responsibilities. If I hid out like I wanted to, I'd end up homeless. I'd be in a box on the corner somewhere.

Don't worry, I am not dying my hair black and cutting my wrists. I am just feeling...low...lately. I know it will pass. I need Spring. I need the sun. I need to open my windows and feel the breeze in the air, blowing into my bedroom. I need to stop trying to fix everyone else lives and worry about my own. I need to not worry about tomorrow, and take each day as it is. As far as school, I can re-take one of my classes this summer, online and the other one, Comp I, I will take in the Fall with the same teacher. The 3rd class, Project Management, I won't be re-enrolling in now. It doesn't go towards my major and was sort of an extra 'fun' class. It was a great class and I loved it but, right now is not that time for that. Right now, I need to focus on me.

-L

Lent

Today is Ash Wednesday. I am meeting Grandma at a church downtown here for noon mass to get my ashes. I asked her, "Grandma, do I have to wear my ashes around on my forehead all day?" [not because I am embarrassed or ashamed but because I am a huge clutz and will probably wipe my forehead with the back of my palm and get it all over my work clothes!] and she responded with, "Sweetie, it nothing to be ashamed about". Obviously I am not ashamed to wear my ashes on my head.

But, at the age of 21, I am not sure that I even know why I am doing that? I made a decision to go to church today, and to make a commitment to myself to attend mass more frequently. I miss mass. It is beautiful. I love it. I love the time to reflect. I feel like there are so many things I just don't KNOW in this world. Why do we wear ashes on Ash Wednesday? Why did the Nazi's kill the Jews? I never learned this stuff. I am happy to say I know exactly why we 'give something up' for Lent. Not because it's 'cool' or 'fun' but because Jesus [another thing I don't "know": why sometimes is he God and other times Jesus? I thought Jesus was the son of God? But they're the same? So I know that JESUS gave up his life for us, he sat at the right hand of the FATHER who I presume is GOD. Oh man!] gave up his life for us. So we can give up something for a measley 40 days.

This year for lent, I am not giving up something tangible. I am giving up neediness. Neediness. I actually was going to give up pop, but that is so cliche and thought I'd try to quit smoking...then I saw an article on Oprah.com about giving up neediness for lent. I liked that idea. I am very needy. I have an addictive personality and I get hooked way too quick on people/things. So, for the next 40 days, I am going to make an effort to enjoy ME--to not care about having a date on Friday night with a [very nice, sweet & cute] boy. I am excited and anxious. I am ready to take each day and OWN it. For each day to be MINE. I know that I can do it. I can break my bad habit of being needy and co-dependent.

L*

Some people are settling down

some are settling

and some people refuse to settle for anything less

than ::butterflies::

FML

Maybe it's the weather, or the change in seasons coming soon, but I have *no* motivation.

I am taking 3 classes this semester and I literally have no desire to do my homework. They are interesting classes: Comp 1 [easy], Theatre and finally Project Management [love this one]. Maybe it's just the week--it's been a busy week with moving, unpacking, painting....maybe it's the weather...I am not sure. How do I make myself do something. Last night, I worked out at the gym, went home and ate dinner, watched Grey's, took a shower and had myself all set up to sit and read for like an hour before bed. I couldn't do it. I had the text in front of me but just thought, ughhhh....

I mean obviously I know that everyone doesn't LOVE school...but I totally dispise it right now. Last night before bed, my last thought was, I want to drop my classes this semester. Then I told myself, just sleep it off...just sleep it off...you'll be fine the morning. Well, funny thing is, this morning, that's the FIRST thing I thought of. I thought about if I just dropped these dumb classes then I could just take it easy til the fall and not have to worry about anything. Well, obviously, I need these classes to graduate and get my degree. I need my degree to get somewhere in life. I just don't wanna. I don't wanna do it.

I need motivation. I need *something*. I need something to keep me going, and right now, I don't feel like I have anything.

I am one who always rushes into things and has no patience. I want instant gratification. all the time. If I say to myself, I want to drop my classes, for example, I want to do it ASAP. I don't want to wait around. Well, I am going to wait around on it. I am going to force myself to finish what needs to be done this weekend...I have to finish a paper/start a new one...do a discussion online..start working on my project for project management...laundry...go to Gustavus to see Ella's play...

OK I'm going to get a campfire mocha....

-lmz

Cats...

We all love cats, a lot, but....


St. Anthony, MN - Animal Humane Society officials have rescued 118 cats from a St. Anthony mobile home where the smell was so bad they had to call in the fire department to ventilate the home.
Armed with nets and wearing protective masks, a rescue crew worked for nearly two hours to gather up the cats Tuesday. Police were called after someone complained about the smell.
Police Chief John Ohl says the couple who lived there are nice people but had issues with hoarding.
Animal control officers say they removed 72 cats from the couple's previous home in Coon Rapids in 2002.

[http://wcco.com/pets/cats.rescued.home.2.932206.html]

118 cats!!! Can you imagine??!! My gosh!! Jen and I are very excited to get a couple cats - two at the most! Poor kitties =[ We thought about going to the shelter and rescuing them. Maybe if we all pitch in we could find a home for all of them? What do we think? Yes? Aww... Hopefully they don't kill the poor kitties! It's not their fault! How do you even GET that many cats? 118. Wow. How do you FEED that many cats....I just can't get over it. Oh, Coon Rapids. You never cease to fail me!

~l

The weekend!

My roomie and me ~ Halloween 2Oo8


Last weekend was a good weekend! On Friday night, Jen and I saw "he's just not that into you", it was really cute. We went to Champp's in Woodbury for some yummy fries and seasoned sour cream and pasta! I moved one box into my new place. I am going over tonight with my [infinite amounts of] laundry and a couple more boxes!

Saturday I ran errands. I went bed shopping which, by the way, sucks. Beds are so expensive! I cannot believe it. I had a nice date on Saturday night. I went to the Bulldog, a nice beer bar in Lowertown, DT STP on Mear's Park, with my date, and we met up with my friend Tracy and Tracy's friend Matt. It was a lot of fun, until I had a tiny sip of Patron and vomited in the bathroom. Gross. I hate tequila.

Sunday was very lazy, mostly because of the fact I was extremely hungover. I cured it with a lunch date at the Wild Onion for build your own bloody mary! So fun! =] I did homework the rest of the day and laid pretty low!

Back to work..blahh!!

leah

For Alyssa and Meggers!!!!!

A photo can say a thousand things
But it cant say the million things i wanna say
A photo can capture the way we were

But it cant capture the way we are

Cause you're far away

When you told me that you loved me

Were those just words?

You cant tell me you dont need me

And i know that hurts

Cause im looking at your picture

Cause its all i've got

Maybe one day you and me will have

One more shot

RYAN. He's KING of the PUNS! Hahah :)

PS This was hands down THE best day of MY LIFE (June 2008)

PPS: I feel 40 kinds of sadness when you're gone.

I feel the same thing always happens when you're gone

And I know you're just around the corner

But just around the corner is not enough

It's not enough

apprehensive.

I am going to see a movie tonight wtih my new roomie, Jen! I am very excited. We're going to see "he's just not that into you". I read the book. It was okay. It is sort of true but it's also common sense, you know? If someone doesn't like you they're not going to call you. If they're not INTO you, then they why would they make an effort? I am curious to see the movie. Besides, Jennifer Aniston is in it and I have a massive girl crush on her! But along those lines, I feel like I haven't really had to deal with any stuff like that yet. I haven't had to "play the game". I am not good at it. If I like someone, I want to talk to them. I want to dive in, head first. I have a major problem with instant gratification. When I want something, I want it right now. No waiting. No patience. I don't want to wait around for 3 days for someone to call me, wondering, "does he like me?". Stupid. I hate it. With that said, I don't want to mess up. I would hate to lose something by making stupid mistakes, like being annoying or a creeper (which I am for sure a pro at).

When I think back on my relationships, the two sorta serious ones, there was no 'dating'. There was no 'game playing'. Unfortunately, it's been with people who are similar to me in that they want something right away and so do I. Two people who want something right away and BAM.

The reason I am writing this blog is sort of about love. Next week is Valentine's Day [It's also Kelly and Tracy's Bday!]. I am lucky because as of now, I have a date! Yay! Two, actually! Kelly and I are having breakfast for her birthday. I have my evening plans, too. I am moving during the day. I guess I just sometimes question the audacity of the male gender. I think that if someone [a man] isn't interested in you, say it. If you don't like someone, don't break it to them gently. It's a hard world. If you're in a pretty serious relationship and then you wake up one day and decide you don't love them anymore, don't lead them on.

I guess I'm not really one to talk. It's not that easy. I know that. I wish it were. I went back and read some of these blogs and, wow. "David and I are broken up", "David and I back together". We would break up. I'd crawl back. Same story for months. Since May of 2008. I am glad it's finally over. I have been happier in the past few weeks than I have in a long time. I am getting ready for this new phase in my life. I am moving to a new city with a new friend. It's almost like whitney on the city, except instead of moving to NYC to pursue my fashion dreams I am moving to Woodbury to get out of the city for a while :)

Alright, time for the weekend!

m.i.a.

Sorry, I have been M.I.A. from my blog lately. The only person that reads is Jacquie, and I feel like I should just call her and give her the juicy details of my life ;)

I do see that a couple of my good friends from Forest Lake [Alyssa & Meagan] are signing up for a blogspot. I would be curious to read their blogs and see what they're blogging about.

Soooo....to get caught up from 12/08 to now:

• David and I broke up, for good. Totally over. That was January 12th. I have spoken to him once. At first I was sad. I was distrought and confused. Now, I am better. I am hurt. But, everything happens for a reason. I lived, and I learned.
• I am moving to Woodbury next week...moving in with my friend Jen, in a townhouse, and I am super excited. I am moving on the 13th of February. [fun fact! I have lived in four places in 12 months: w/crazy Sarah, David's, Grandma's & my grand ave place! Apparently I love to move. Not really. I just have major commitment problems. I have also been a member at 4 gyms in 12 months. YMCA downtown, YWCA on the Hill, Bally's and now Lifetime. Again with the commitment. I know how to work contracts, I guess!]
• I am pretty busy with school this semester as I'm taking three classes. I am doing two online classes-Intro to Theatre and Project Management, and one night class, Composition 1. I HATE Comp 1. Why is the english language so hard? Why is this my 3rd time taking this class?! AhhH!!
• I am *sort of* "dating" someone right now....taking it slow and keeping it on the DL because I am not sure a) what I'm ready for, b) how long it will last c)don't want to get my hopes up and get dumped on the ground, BUT I will say, he's great :) I guess I am not sure if we're "dating" but we have our 3rd date this weekend.
• Work is good. Same old, same old..I guess I am glad that given this "economy" that I have a safe and secure, good paying job.
• I found a new love: coffee. Specifically lite white berry with a shot of raspberry...it is a very expensive drug habit. But I love it. Oh and my blackberry. Obsessed. Greatest thing EVER invented.

That is really it......I will try to blog more but I jsut have nothing exciting to write about!!

Waiting for spring!!!

*L

if it's a broken heart then face it.

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling on your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
And everything will be fine
Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
And everything

Everything will be fine
Everything
Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling
Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing
Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything
Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Wish List

Someday, when I'm a grown up and can justify spending over $1,000 for a pair of [amazing and beautiful] pumps, $1,000 for a handbag, etc, these are things that are the *first* on my list:

Christian Louboutin Pumps

Marc by Marc Jacobs (I'll have to be REAL fancy to afford a Marc Jacobs bag!!)

Ahh...dreams!! ;)

Oliver Richard Widme

Oliver & Grandma Linda---11/10/2008

Leah and Baby Oliver---11/10/2008

One of my good friends from high school, Aislinn, had a little baby boy on Sunday at 11:43am! His name is Oliver Richard Widme. Aislinn and Paul are very excited for him. He is very cute. He weighed a healthy 7lbs 8oz and was 19.5" long!

Welcome to the world, Baby Oliver!!

lmz

Meet Me in Saint Louis

I took a road trip this weekend to Saint Louis with Ella, Taweh and Jerrell. It was fun!! We stayed in a hotel about 20 mins outside of downtown Saint Louis. We left St Paul around 6pm on Friday, arrvied in Saint Louis at 5am (I KNOW!) on Saturday. We slept til about 10am, had breakfast, got ready, went downtown and spent a while at the Arch. We had lunch downtown in the 'older' district at Show Me's (basically Hooters). We bummed around a little bit, went to Walgreen's where we told by a police officer to get out of that neighborhood since it wasn't 'the best'. We went back to the hotel, enjoyed the free drinks @ the bar and played pool. The original plan was to go back downtown and go the bar or club, but after realizing a) no one wanted be sober cab and b) the cab would be $35 each way (about $20/person, total) we decided to lay low at the hotel and watch movies and go to bed early, as we had a long drive in front of us the next day. We left Saint Louis around 9am and arrived back in Saint Paul around 7:30, including 2 stops for food, one stop in Mankato to bring Jerrell home, stop in Saint Peter so Ella could get her school books, and then to Saint Paul. I'd do it again in a heartbeat!!

lmz

November, already?!

Happy Belated Halloween! Here are a couple photos..

Me, Tracy, Jen and Demetri, Securian Associates!! 11/1/08

Jen and Me, @ Tracy's Party 11/1/08

Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess..

I feel as though I have been blessed in that I have not had to deal with a major tragedy at this time in my life [well I suppose this is relative, meaning, what may not be a tragedy to me, someone else close to me may have thought it was 'tragic'. Or if I am being a drama queen, I could classify something as tragic...] I also feel like thinking, and writing, my thoughts will cause my to jinx myself. I guess the reason this comes up is that I think everyone has their own battles. While in my family I haven't had to deal with a sick family member, we've had our battles. But it's always in the back of my mind: when does it all come crashing down? Will I be so unfortunate that everything "bad" will happen at once? This is my fear. How will I maintain a balance?

Does this make me a pessimist? I always have thought I was more of a half-glass-empty-kind of person...I also believe that if I believe that I'm a half-glass-empty person I will BE that person. That's called the self-fulling prophecy, where if you BELIEVE something long enough, that's what happens. Just like if you're really crabby or sad, if you smile, the endorphins get sent to you brain to think you're happy, so then you actually do feel happy. Did that make sense? It did to me.

I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed and overloaded. This weekend should help with that. I may go out tonight to 'celebrate' Halloween, AKA go out with the girls, just an excuse to put on a really short skirt and low shirt with hooker boots and call it an outfit. Saturday evening David and I (don't ask) are going to Harlow's (grandma's boyfriend) Halloween party and we're dressing as Clark Kent and Lois Lane. Cute <3.>

Lunchtime now.

Leah

Romeo, save me,
they're trying to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story, baby, just say yes

overload

I'm beginning to feel a mental breakdown coming on. I feel so overloaded. Classes are really busy, work is really busy, and everyone seems to need support. I'm happy to give support but I wonder where I'll turn when I need it?

Stay tuned...

Leah

[*b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l*]

Here are some photos from Gooseberry from a couple weekends ago. The fall colors were so beautiful.

Me, Kylee and Kelly

it's too late for you and your white horse

So Duluth was fun. Crazy, but fun. We had at Gooseberry on Saturday. It was beautiful. Kelly's boyfriend is great, we really liked him.

OK, really busy at work. AhhH!!!

One of those...

I turned on the Christmas music today at work, my favorite. The only thing is that it makes me realize how much I hate the holiday season....With it just around the corner, I am not exactly looking forward to it. Last year at this time, I was getting ready to move out...David and I were off again/on again (typical for that relationship). I just know when this season comes around, I want a boyfriend. I guess I wouldn't say boyfriend as much as I start to feel really..needy. Maybe it's because of my family 'situation' (which I really wouldn't justify as a situation, per say), and the fact that a) we're not really that close and b)the holidays are usually more depressing being around them then they are happy...

I am going to Duluth this weekend. I'm taking the Greyhound (aka Kelly Schmitz express bus) on Friday night. Saturday will be spent at Gooseberry Falls, followed by a night 'on the town', aka at Grandma's Bar & Saloon. I am hoping CJ (Crazy Joey) doesn't hunt me down, and I am going to be sure not to let him find out I'm in town. Which may be difficult. Sunday will just be relaxed, recovering from the night before. I get to meet my E, who is Kelly's BF (his name is Erik but he's always been referred to as E by us girlies, so there it is!). Kelly is one of my best friends, and I have yet to met her significant other! And it's been since this summer, too!! So I am going to be sure to put on my nice girl pants and try to not make him think I'm a creeper, which I actually am, Haha.

This week is going to be busy...I have a mid term tomorrow night for communications...I haven't studied yet, so I will have to do that tonight..I have to clean my place, it's pretty messy. Thursday I have to do homework for science so I don't fall too far behind...Next Monday will be spent at the library finishing my science work which is due on Tuesday the 21st at midnight.

Back to life in general, now that I am really, actually single, I am feeling good about it. I am having a hard time adjusting to not having someone to call to go out for a quick bite, or to a movie, or for a walk..but I think in time I'll get use to the solidarity. As much as I hate to say, because I pride myself on being independent and thinking for and doing everything for myself (which could be, and has been, interpreted as selfish) I think I have attachment issues. As I get older, I realize that I am needy. I am always wanting to have someone, particularily a boyfriend, around. I started dating Joey in Feb 2005. We broke up in October of 2006, a week later I started dating David, and we broke up (for good) in the end of September/early October 2008. We're looking at 3+ years in a relationship here...That's a lot to go from having to having nothing. It's easy for me to 'do my thing': go to work, go home, study, go out with girls on the weekend, but the hard part is not having just one person who I know cares, who I know wants to know what's going on in my life...I think no matter how I try to fill it, no matter who (in terms of men) I allow into my life, I feel jaded. So, for this time, in my life, I am going to embrace the fact I'm not tied down; the fact I don't have anyone to answer to. I'm young, I'm single, I'm more happy than not. And because I'm holding out for the one. I am not going to settle just anyone. I will not crawl back to the one I thought was the one, but was to naive and weak to ever leave.

lmz

And I don't need you
And guess what
I'm havin more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright
I'm just fine
And you're a tool so
So what

new tattoo (?)

I really want another tattoo....I have an idea of what I what I just don't know where I want it. I was thinking the chinese symbol for independence, and on the back of my neck, or on my wrist. Or else I want a meaningful quote or something. I just haven't found a quote that is so meaninful I want it on my body forever. Maybe, live laugh love, or no regrets, or something. Ideas? Help help! I will for sure go to Randall at Visual Addiction, cause he's hottttt.

Rascal Flatts was..OK. Taylor Swift was AWESOME, I love her. My favorite song is for sure "Picture to Burn" --> "Cause I hate that stupid old pick up truck you never let me drive, you're a redneck heartbreak who's really bad at lying. So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time. As far as I'm concerned you're just another picture to burn."

everything will change, but *love* remains the same.

under your stars forever...

the best reason for living alone and not having to answer to anyone: being able to go out at 10pm with NO QUESTIONS asked. =)

Last night I practiced wii bowling with Jen and Demetri. We're having a tournament @ work in the end of october so I need to work on my skills, since the winner gets amazing seats to a wild game! I learned that Wii bowling is way better with a vodka cranberry. What's better after a VC than a Gin and Tonic? My favorite drink EVER. Long story short: bedtime @ 4am, up all night talking and making new friends (not with J & D!) and still feeling those last few g&t's in at 6am! ;) Only cause it's Friday am I making it through the day!

Rascal Flatts/Taylor Swift concert tonight!! JASON MRAZ ON NOVEMBER 20TH! =)

life is good.

lmz*

Dont let your life wrap up around you
Dont forget to call, whenever
Ill be here just waiting for you
Ill be under your stars forever
Neither here nor there just right beside you

Skittles.

Yum! I love skittles. I'm obsessed. Except when I put like 6 in my mouth and my phone @ work rings and I have to answer it!! Red ones are the best.

I just moved into my little place on Grand and I'm so in love with it. I love being alone, and not having to answer to anyone. The location is perfect-close to work, close to the bar, close to food, and shops. I love it. Tonight I have a lot of homework to do. I have to go on a nature walk. I am kind of excited about it because I get to check out my neighborhood more.

Only an hour left of work, thank god.

PS I know this is boring but I have nothing good to say!!!!

ahh!

OK SO Big news! Moving out on October 1st! Although I am very excited, I have many other emotions going on as well! Well first let me explain: I found an ad for the top level of a house for rent. I went and checked it out, and it's really nice. It's on Grand Avenue, near downtown, but also close to Dale St, so close to the good parts of Grand (aka the bars). The house is beautiful! I have the 3rd level which includes my own bathroom, a bedroom and a big living area. I have a shared kitchen, which is a really nice kitchen. The woman who lives there is nice, and it's just her, her daughters are there every other week. So it is a good step before next summer when I'll hopefully move into my *own* place. I think I'm feeling nervous about whole finances thing. I know I can it, that's not my concern, it's just that I've never really had such a big bill before!! I know I'll be OK, like I said, I am probably just freaking out and over analyzing! *sigh*

Happy hour in an hour for work! Wahooo! I love being 21! =)

Happy Birthday to Me!

I had my 21st birthday on Monday! I went out to lunch with David at W.A. Frost's and didn't even get carded when I ordered a mimosa!! Then I went out to downtown MPLS with a group of girls. We enjoyed a nice dinner at Zelo, and went to a couple bars downtown then headed over to Grand Ave area.

::love.my.life::

Girl you got me going
Yeah I think you know it
Oh I'm ready for this ride
So come on take my hand
Cuz only you, you understand
How to kick this feeling into
Drive all night with me
Sing my favorite song and sleep
Under the stars on the hood of our car
It's all I've ever wanted
All I ever wanted was to
See you in the pale moon light
Just the way ya look tonight
And maybe some day
If love comes our way
We'll be walking in the meadow in the early spring
You'll be twirling in a sundress wearing my ring
Can you see it
Girl I believe em that
It's true
All I ever wanted
All I ever really wanted was you
If life is what you make it
Here's my chance ill take it
You know I wanna make you mine
I have this picture in my mind
You were in it all the time
So baby hold on tight
And drive all night with me
Sing my favorite song and sleep
Under the stars on the hood of our car
It's all I've ever wanted
All I ever wanted was to
See you in the pale moon light
Just the way ya look tonight
And maybe some day
If love comes our way
We'll be walking in the meadow in the early spring
You'll be twirling in a sundress wearing my ring
Can you see it
Girl I believe em that
It's true
All I ever wanted
All I ever really wanted was you
All I ever wanted
Was to see you in the pale moon light
Just the way ya look tonight
And maybe some day
If love comes our way
We'll be walking in the meadow in the early spring
You'll be twirling in a sundress wearing my ring
Can you see it
Girl I believe em that
It's true
All I ever wanted
All I ever really wanted was you

it's simple.

"I'm someone who is looking for love.

Real love.

Ridiculous,

inconvenient,

consuming,

can't-live-without-each-other love."

~Carrie Bradshaw

=P

Girl you're beautiful
You're 'bout near perfect
But I bet somebody's already told you that
Name your poison
Name your passion
Cause a boy like me just couldn't help but ask
Keep on talking to me baby
I'm hanging on your every word
Keep those drinks a coming maybe
We'll both get what we deserve

How 'bout baby
We make a promise
To not promise anything more than one night
Complicated situations
Only get worse in the morning light
Hey I'm just lookin' for a good time

Put in a long hard week doing this 9 to 5
And you're just the girl to get that off my mind
You shouldn't 've worn that dress
You shouldn't dance like that
You got this little heart of mine in overdrive
I sure love this conversation
The band is good, the music's loud
But would you get the wrong impression
If I called us a cab right now

How 'bout baby
We make a promise
To not promise anything more than one night
Complicated situations
Only get worse in the morning light
Hey I'm just lookin' for a good time

Go ahead and lie to me and pull me close
Tell me that you love me even if you don't
The rule is don't you ever even talk about forever
But you never say never in life

Hey I'm just lookin' for a good time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HK-Rs-8k1K8

I love my lifeeee!!!! =P

*[already_gone]*

So I broke up with David one week ago yesterday. The first week was going OK. Now it's starting to get worse. I try to keep myself busy, really busy. I've been going to the gym faithfully every night. I've been reading different books, getting together with old friends. But for some reason, it's always in the back of head that breaking up with him was wrong of me. I feel like I'm missing something...I am sure this something normal that everyone goes through when they break up. I didn't expect to be HAPPY but also didn't expect to be so..sad..I mean I know I did the right thing, that's not the problem. It's just the fact that I am spending my weekends totally and completely alone. It's not having my best friend, and I know being friends just isn't an option. I am really hoping that I can continue to grieve the loss of a friend, and a special relationship while continuing to go on with my life.

On a lighter note, spin class kicked my ass last night. I seriously was sweating so much I felt like I just took a shower [kind of gross, but good, those are all calories burned!!]. I am looking forward to this weekend. I wish the mechanic would call me back, I want him to look at my car, and I want to get it fixed. Grandma said he's probably on vacation or something. I am going to be hanging out with Logan one day, taking him to get a haircut and probably buying him some new shoes & clothes for school. I also am getting very excited for my classes to start. I know I'll be saying I hate them in about a month.

OH YEAH it's almost my 21st b-day!! Yayyy!

OK, back to work.

lmz*

The last time I saw him, we packed up my things
And he smiled like the first time he told me his name
And we cried with each other
We split the blame for the parts that we couldn’t change
Pictures, dishes and socks
It's our whole life down to one box
There he was waving goodbye on the front porch alone

...But I was already gone

"already gone" by Sugarland

Recap

Kelly on the phone with the power company (we lost power)..& Harry the hampster!

Last weekend, I went to Duluth. It was a lot of fun! I visited my friend, Kelly. I'll put up some pics!

lift bridge in Duluth

Kel & the boys, walking down the pier.

/b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l.\

grandma's flowers::6.17.2008

I'm ready.

I'm ready for the next step. I'm ready for this. As I was laying in bed last night, I got excited thinking about all the things I'm going to do. Spending time with myself. Not answering to anyone. Going to the gym when I'm bored. Buying a new shirt, just because. Yes, I'll be sad, possibly devastated, but honestly, that's so much better than the way I was feeling before. I ready to stop feeling like a basketcase, and start feeling in control, of everything, my life, my emotions, my finances. A grown up. That's how I feel. I don't feel like a child. I won't feel like a child anymore.

& I'm ready for that. So, so...ready.

lmz*
//it's not always rainbows && butterflies::it's compromise that moves us along\\

isn't it ironic?

when i was dating crazy joey, one of the main reasons i wanted to break up was because of his family. they hated me, we couldn't have a conversation and they acted like children. That made it a lot easier to break up with him, there was no emotional attachment, in fact, they had me running for the hills.

now, as i find myself on a break [again] from david, all i keep thinking about is his family, and that i keep wanting to hang onto HIM because his family is, in a word, amazing. Since i've met them, i've been treated as one of them. i have never felt awkward, i'm always invited to dinner and am more than willing to help whenever it's needed. I look up to his mom, on a personal and professional level. and not only his immediate family, but his extended family, too. grandparents, cousins, 2nd cousins...i find it all ironic. how in one situation, someone's family can cause you to run, and in another, it's what's keeping you there.

as for my own family, i mean, we're close, but not horribly. i guess i can attribute that to a few reasons. for one, there's my dad. i mean, i know his name, and his e-mail address, but beyond that, i don't know anything. i never have. that's kind of a reason i'm afraid to start another relationship [although that's a total backburner thought] because honestly, i think i'm ashamed. ashamed of the fact i don't have a relationship with my father, that i'm a bastard child. growing up i've always known it was not a big deal but as i become an adult, i always wonder, why doesn't my dad want to know me? i'm his offspring, right? how can you live your life not wanting to know about that person? just knowing they exsist and what they do isn't enough for me. i'd want to KNOW the person. you know, the good stuff. i guess i'll probably always hold that resentment, that now that i'm adult, it seems to me that they'd want not know me. guess not. oh well.

as i told a friend, i need to 'put on my big girl pants' and get over it, and move on. i love david-i always will-but i'm sick of fighting every time we're together, of feeling like i'm walking on eggshells, constantly, and everything i do is wrong. i'm sick of being treated like a child. so, i'm moving on.

i joined a new gym. i'm hoping to go 3-4 times a week, do a few cycling classes, maybe some yoga. i'm re-doing my room at my grandma's. i'm reading a few good books, and am determined to finish sex and the city [on the 2nd disc of season 6]. i deleted all and any phone numbers related to david from my cell phone and directory at work.

the funny thing is, we're not even broken up. we're 'on a break'. what does that mean, anyway? i mean i'm the one who initiated it so you think i'd know what it meant? to me, it means, i don't want to hear from or see YOU for 3 weeks. And then when 3 weeks is up, if i've found i can't live without you, we go from there. i'm too young to be worried about the rest of my life. i need to live for each day. i'm not looking for a new boyfriend, i'm not even looking for a date. i'm looking for myself, i want to find MYSELF, and i want to do it alone. without the judgement of another person.

lmz*

"I'm someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." -carrie bradshaw

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

THE WORLD 'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said: 'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping,
dancing, camping, drank wine, always had a clean house, never had
to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get
fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all
the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched
sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had
high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in
sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

The End

Refreshing, relaxing & amazing!

I got back yesterday from my week long vacation. It was so, so, so AMAZING. It went SO fast, though! David and I went to his parent's cabin. We arrived on Monday morning, well around lunch time. We went into Rice Lake (nearby town) and had lunch. We went to Herberger's and Menard's, too. David and his mom had golf lessons in Spooner on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I went golfing on Tuesday. I wasn't too good. Wednesday I was alone at

the cabin, and that was nice. I got up and had breakfast with Dave and Betty and then after they left took a nap til noon with Chester! I went to the driving range, hit some balls. Just relaxed. There was a bear who came to visit us...that was really scary. And a racoon in the boat. I didn't like him too much. David and I were going to go to Prop's, a restaurant on the other end of the lake, but we (I) was too scared to ride in the boat with the racoon stuck in the storage area! So we put the boat back and

drove to Pine Ridge, a nice restaurant on Lake Sissabagama, about 10 mins away. I had baked ziti, Dave had a bunch of fish..oysters? No, Escargot..and scallops. It was yummy! It was amazing. I finished one book (I brought 4!!) called "Good in Bed' by Jennifer Weiner, I recommened it! Also I just started reading "True Believer" by Nicholas Sparks and I will probably finish it tonight!! I'd love to write more but I haven't been at work for a week, so I need to get back to
work! Gotta love PAID time off!!

*lmz

I don't want to get up baby let's turn off the phone

I don't want to go to work today or even put my make-up on

I got better things to do than my to do list anyway

hide under the covers and waste away the day

let's just lay here and be lazy, baby drive me crazy

Catchin' Up!

I haven't written in a while, so, here goes nothing!

Work is same old, same old. Sucks sitting in a cube all day when it's so, so nice out like it has been the past week or so but it's fine. I enjoy the weekends more.

I've read a lot of good books the past few weeks since school's been out. I miss school!! I can't WAIT for my classes this fall, I'm so excited! Well, more for communications than science, but whatever. It has to get done!

I don't know anything else....

lmz

Friday night
I'm going nowhere
All the lights are changing green to red
Turning over TV stations
Situations running through my head
Well looking back through time
You know it's clear that I've been blind
I've been a fool
To ever open up my heart
To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule

Saturday I'm running wild
And all the lights are changing red to green
Moving through the crowd I'm pushing
Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream
Only wish that you were here
You know I'm seeing it so clear
I've been afraid
To tell you how I really feel
Admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made

If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Babylon, Babylon

Sunday all the lights of London
Shining , Sky is fading red to blue
I'm kicking through the Autumn leaves
And wondering where it is you might be going to
Turning back for home
You know I'm feeling so alone
I can't believe
Climbing on the stair
I turn around to see you smiling there
In front of me

If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Babylon, Babylon, Babylon

Probably

It's probably still best that we're broken up, but I think there are going to be stages I have to through before I am fully healed. The first I feel like is anger. I was very angry regarding the whole situation. The lies, the deceit. I was mad. And that is what made it easy to be gone. And now I'm starting to feel the second stage, which is...I can't quite pinpoint the emotion...I'm sad, but I wouldn't call it 'sad' because I know that I am doing the right thing. I think maybe it's the letting go stage? Letting go of everything, the fact I won't be spending the summer at the lake with his family, the fact we won't be sitting out on the boat every weekend and spending Sunday golfing together. I have to try to remember the anger and the hurt, the bad things, to keep me from going back. I haven't talked to David since Monday. It doesn't seem like that long but each day drags on. I feel like each day is better than the last, but inside I know I'm not OK. But I know I don't want to go back to that. I can't. I can't be made to feel like I'm a basketcase with no control of my emotions. I haven't even begun to THINK about how I'll spend the rest of the summer at Grandma's...doing nothing each night expect walking around Como and reading a book. Maybe that's relaxing, though. Maybe I can spend more time with me...maybe I can spend more time not being dependent on someone else. That's what I can try. I need to stay positive. It's hard, I'll admit that, and I think today's really the first day I'm feeling vunerable. I'm feeling like I'm ready to give in at any minute, and that's not OK.

Gone.

There's gone for good, and there's good and gone
And there's gone with the long before it
I wish she'd been just a little more clear.
Well, there's gone for the day and gone for the night
And gone for the rest of your dog-gone life.
Is it a whiskey night, or just a couple beers?I
mean what kinda' gone are we talkin' 'bout here?

I looked at your face
I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time
I saw that you couldn't care less about what you do
You couldn't care less about the lies
You couldn't find the time to cry
We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us
Now our love's floating out the window
Our love's floating out the back door
Our love's floating up in the sky
In heaven, where it began
Back in God's hands
You said that you had said all that you had to say
You say 'baby, it's the end of the day'We gave a lot but it wasn't enough
We got so tired that we just gave up
Now our love's floating out the window
Our love's floating out the back door
Our love's floating up in the sky
In heaven, where it began
Back in God's hands, back in God's hands
We didn't respect it
We went and neglect it
We didn't deserve it
But I never expected this
Our love floated out the window
Our love floated out the back door
Our love floated up in the sky
To heaven, it's part of a plan
It's back in God's hands, back in God's hands
Oh, we didn't last, it's a thing of the past
No we didn't understand just what we had

UGH!

I hate St. Kate's. That school SUCKS. They won't release my transcript unitl I don't owe them anything anymore. Keep in mind I'm PAYING them every month until November!!! SO I can't transfer in the fall, I have to stick out one more semester at St Paul College. And Ihate that. It makes me so upset. All of the classes I want to take, they aren't offered @ night. SO, when am I supposed to go to class? At 2pm on Thursday??? I WISH!! But I can't.

We didn't get the apartment. I was pretty bummed out. There is another really nice one on the same block, it's alot nicer inside than this, granite countertops, dishwasher, washer, dryer..but it's $1,000/month. We can afford that. We can't come up with $1,000 for the deposit. And then pay rent for two places for the month of June. It's too much. It sucks.

I had a job interview yesterday. It's here @ Securian. In the Claims department, a claims examiner. The interview went well, I would like the job a lot, it seems like something I'd be really good at. But, there are 8 other internal applicants. So, that pretty much leaves me at the bottom, with the least experience, yada yada. Oh well. Looks like I'm stuck =(

I am feeling a little like negative nancy. I am just pissed. Why can't things just be easy. Why can't Metro State admit me without my grades from st kate's because they are shitty anyways and I don't really want to transfer those credits, because the grades are so fucking bad. Ugh...>!>>!>>!>!

lmz

The Most Perfect Apartment in the Entire World...

...And I can't let it slip away!!!!

David and I have been looking at apartments lately and we're looking for at least a 1 bedroom, under $1,000 a month in our neighborhood, preferably more than 800 sq feet....and we looked at a couple really nice ones, but they were smaller than ours right now and $200/month more! So, I was browsing craigslist yesterday and happened to see a 1BR off Laurel & Dale-across the street from a school and baseball field, in an old brownstone building. Get this. Dishwasher. In Unit Washer and Dryer. 1100 square feet. LESS THAN WE'RE PAYING NOW! Umm..why you may ask? Because it's been on the market for almost 2 years and hasn't sold. So, as of June 1 it's coming off the market and going up for rent. So I have been emailing the current owner who needs to rent it out and we're going look on Friday night. The bad thing is that David can't get out of his lease until July 1, 2008. The good news is that I can afford this place on my own for a month...What I want to do is go in there tomorrow, hand her $1,200 for deposit + 1st month rent and sign a lease. It's so perfect. I can't believe it. This NEEDS to work out, it just has to. We haven't come across anything this perfect yet, and we are most definetley needing space to move. This place is a 1br, 1 bath but has a living room, informal dining room and formal dining room. And a fireplace. And it's in a brownstone. Hello?! What do I need to do to get this place!! I am sure it's going to rented really soon, and I don't want that. I can't let this slip away. I think I'll cry. Oh man...How am I going to pull this off?! Ahh!!!!!!!!

lmz

Update...

It's amazing what a difference one person can make. Let's just say the past two days a certain someone @ work hasn't been here. O.M.G. life is so much better. Not only the peace and quiet and no b*tching from this person, but no drama. My day goes by SO much faster, and I feel like I'm DOING a better job. Is that horrible? I really don't think so. Umm...life..what's new..Ooo..I got my car back. Since David's working in Mendota Heights at the Country Club he needs it, not exactly a hop skip and bus ride away. Granted it's only like 6 miles, at the most, but yeah. I love Trixie. No problems so far!! She's running really smooth!!! It would be a really easy bike ride, down the hill over the high bridge to Dodd Road and then that all the way there. But, as previously stated in my blog the weather has been anything but cooperative (snow this weekend. Seriously?!?). Let's see...school. I have been slacking and I will admit that. I have an Ethics paper due Monday by 11pm as well as an exam for Nutrition open Monday from 6am-Midnight. Options: get up early and do my exam before work, go to work til2:30 go to the dentist for my final installment of my tooth and a new filling OR go to work like I normally do and go to the dentist for above mentioned work then go home home and do my test...Hmm. My paper will be written this weekend so I don't have to do it on Monday. My very intellectual and intelligent boyfriend will be assisting me with my Ethics paper. I am not as 'worldly' as he is, if that's the right word. He's just, smart. Really smart. SO he's helping me. Maintains both our sanity levels :) Hum de do...David and I have been going to Spin class. An intense workout that, when combined with good eating habits and other weight training will help me lose and maintain my goal weight, which of course I haven't been even trying to obtain. I am having a hardcore chocolate craving and it's probably the PMS (yes, I just put all that out there, Eeekk!). I am just dyyyyyingggg for a pint of Green and Blacks Organic Bittersweet Chocolate ice cream....mmmmm...I am going to Google it...OK, really I'm going to go back to 'work'. Adios

lmz

I hate slush.

I can handle the snow. I like to bundle up and go for a nice walk around the Hill in the winter. I like to go snowmobiling, sledding and cross country skiing at the lake. But I hate this. I dispise this nasty weather! It's not sunny, it's freezing cold and the snow looks like crap. I can't wait for summer. I am SO excited for my nice long walks around the Hill, when David and I walk down to Grand Ave, go to Grand Ole Creamery..it is so much fun. I love summer. Boating, skiing, tubing, tanning, a nice cold Leinie's Summer Shandy on the lake. Ahh...I am ready for that :)

lmz

Ouch

So I went to the dentist on Wednesday and they finished up the root canal. It was horrible. I was out of work Thursday and am barely making it through today. It hurts so bad. I was sick to my stomach yesterday from the pain meds and not eating food. I haven't eaten since Wednesday...except the applesauce I'm eating now. It sucks. I hate this =(

Blah.

The root canal was fine, fyi, for anyone concerned. I lived through it.

I hate men. Why are they so immature and lazy? That's the question of the day. I could keep rambling but it really doesn't matter and it really is not interesting.

Leah

I'm alive! My root canal was just fine. That's just lovely.

Yay for the weekend =P

LMZ

Root Canal

I'm getting a root canal in the morning. I am nervous =(

I'll be hoped on pain killers all day Thursday, though, so that makes up for it. Sort of.

Wish me luck.

Leah

I want to run away

How nice does it sound to pack up everything and just leave. California sounds the best. San Francisco to be exact. Someday...

I hate being stressed out. I guess the only thing I'm stressed about now is this damn tooth. I need a root canal (and I've needed a root canal since December but I've failed to set aside any funds for this). Yesterday I was munching on pecans when I bit down in the wrong place and broke my f*cking tooth. Ouch. It hurt. The worst part is that it is constantly grinding against my tounge and unfortunately, my job requires me to talk for almost 8 hrs a day. So, needless to say, by the end of the day I've had just about enough. Anyways, I'm going in for a root canal on Thursday. Should be funnnn....Not.

Winter Blues

Why oh why won't winter go away? I hate it! It's sooo cold out. Well, I guess it's warmer today than it's been.

Since moving out of crazy lady's apartment, I am so much less stressed. It's amazing. I love it.

You know, I hate when grown women act like children. That seriously pisses me off. Today, while discussing the weekend and what we did, with another co-worker, I mentioned that I bought my brother, Justin, an iPod shuffle, and she comments back with "are you the parent?", SERIOUSLY. Why I let that get to me really pisses me off. I try to keep my personal life separate from my work life, I try hard. I don't come to work and b*tch about all my homework or talk about things going in my life. Why would you jump to the conclusion that I have to be the parent to buy my brother a gift? Is it my insecurity that is allowing it to get to me? Well, I responded with "No, I'm not. It's a gift" and proceeded to do my work. I don't need to justify spending $52.96 (with tax) on my brother to anyone. That was my choice. I bought it for him because I know how much he loves music. He uses it almost as therapy when he gets real stressed out, just like I do. I know how nice it is to just put on my headphones and go for a walk and listen to music. And Justin is the same way. SO I had mentioned to him if he stayed out of trouble and had some good behaviors I'd get him one. Well actually, Mom asked if I'd go in on it, and I said no, I couldn't afford it. Then I thought about it and a few days later I decided I would, only to find out that Mom already sent Justin a gift card for $30 instead of that. SO, I thought the right thing was to afford it. And I did. And he was happy, he enjoyed it. The look on his face when he opened it up, and we uploaded songs was priceless. If him having music can change him from getting upset at another kid at his house, then so be it. Isn't that better than beating a kid up? Although it's never okay to beat a kid up, I feel the same way sometimes. When grown ups act like children, and I don't have any other option because I'm stuck to my desk until 5:30pm, I chose to blog. And get it off my chest so that I'm not holding it all in.

So, I got a C+ on my Ethics paper...I know that sounds like it's "okay" but it's a little sad, but I'm NOT proud or happy. I had one week to write a paper, and I waited until about 4 hours before it was due. Ridiculous. I suppose it's good I at least got 78% considering it is 25% of my grade...Anyways, next time I'll have to do better. I have a nutrition test to take tonight. I have my book here to study @ lunch and on my break...I'm getting like 115% in that class now because of extra credit, which is always good.

Anyways, I got to vent. Feels better. Back to work. Is it Friday yet? Nope, still Monday. Great. =)

lmz

Brrr.

Sunset @ the Lake. I love it. Can't wait for summer!!

I had the morning off today. That was nice. I planned it yesterday, since I knew I'd be up late writing my paper, and then stressing out about it. I really didn't do well. I need to start WAY before it's due next time. Definatley not the night before. Real smart, Leah. So, I slept in. Until 10am. And puttsed around. David and I had brunch at Bon Vie. And then we went to the bakery and got some baked goods. And then...I got on the bus and came to work. Fun.


Tonight I'm going to the gym and eating dinner and then cleaning before turning in early.

I have tons of work to do today. Hmm. Better get going.

PS It's really freaking cold out. I wish it'd get warmer. It's seriously cold out. Brr.

lmz*_

Free!

I moved out on Saturday. I got lucky and my roommate released me from the lease without even having a new roommate. I am excited. I am happy. I was more than willing to be patient and wait, but she didn't want to. I guess I am that bad! Geesh! Yay! *happy dance*

Anyway, I have an ethics paper due tonight by 11pm..and I have barely started. I'm so screwed. And the worse part is that it's 25% of my grade...ughhh.....

Back to work =)