=P

Girl you're beautiful
You're 'bout near perfect
But I bet somebody's already told you that
Name your poison
Name your passion
Cause a boy like me just couldn't help but ask
Keep on talking to me baby
I'm hanging on your every word
Keep those drinks a coming maybe
We'll both get what we deserve

How 'bout baby
We make a promise
To not promise anything more than one night
Complicated situations
Only get worse in the morning light
Hey I'm just lookin' for a good time

Put in a long hard week doing this 9 to 5
And you're just the girl to get that off my mind
You shouldn't 've worn that dress
You shouldn't dance like that
You got this little heart of mine in overdrive
I sure love this conversation
The band is good, the music's loud
But would you get the wrong impression
If I called us a cab right now

How 'bout baby
We make a promise
To not promise anything more than one night
Complicated situations
Only get worse in the morning light
Hey I'm just lookin' for a good time

Go ahead and lie to me and pull me close
Tell me that you love me even if you don't
The rule is don't you ever even talk about forever
But you never say never in life

Hey I'm just lookin' for a good time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HK-Rs-8k1K8

I love my lifeeee!!!! =P

*[already_gone]*

So I broke up with David one week ago yesterday. The first week was going OK. Now it's starting to get worse. I try to keep myself busy, really busy. I've been going to the gym faithfully every night. I've been reading different books, getting together with old friends. But for some reason, it's always in the back of head that breaking up with him was wrong of me. I feel like I'm missing something...I am sure this something normal that everyone goes through when they break up. I didn't expect to be HAPPY but also didn't expect to be so..sad..I mean I know I did the right thing, that's not the problem. It's just the fact that I am spending my weekends totally and completely alone. It's not having my best friend, and I know being friends just isn't an option. I am really hoping that I can continue to grieve the loss of a friend, and a special relationship while continuing to go on with my life.

On a lighter note, spin class kicked my ass last night. I seriously was sweating so much I felt like I just took a shower [kind of gross, but good, those are all calories burned!!]. I am looking forward to this weekend. I wish the mechanic would call me back, I want him to look at my car, and I want to get it fixed. Grandma said he's probably on vacation or something. I am going to be hanging out with Logan one day, taking him to get a haircut and probably buying him some new shoes & clothes for school. I also am getting very excited for my classes to start. I know I'll be saying I hate them in about a month.

OH YEAH it's almost my 21st b-day!! Yayyy!

OK, back to work.

lmz*

The last time I saw him, we packed up my things
And he smiled like the first time he told me his name
And we cried with each other
We split the blame for the parts that we couldn’t change
Pictures, dishes and socks
It's our whole life down to one box
There he was waving goodbye on the front porch alone

...But I was already gone

"already gone" by Sugarland

Recap

Kelly on the phone with the power company (we lost power)..& Harry the hampster!

Last weekend, I went to Duluth. It was a lot of fun! I visited my friend, Kelly. I'll put up some pics!

lift bridge in Duluth

Kel & the boys, walking down the pier.

/b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l.\

grandma's flowers::6.17.2008

I'm ready.

I'm ready for the next step. I'm ready for this. As I was laying in bed last night, I got excited thinking about all the things I'm going to do. Spending time with myself. Not answering to anyone. Going to the gym when I'm bored. Buying a new shirt, just because. Yes, I'll be sad, possibly devastated, but honestly, that's so much better than the way I was feeling before. I ready to stop feeling like a basketcase, and start feeling in control, of everything, my life, my emotions, my finances. A grown up. That's how I feel. I don't feel like a child. I won't feel like a child anymore.

& I'm ready for that. So, so...ready.

lmz*
//it's not always rainbows && butterflies::it's compromise that moves us along\\

isn't it ironic?

when i was dating crazy joey, one of the main reasons i wanted to break up was because of his family. they hated me, we couldn't have a conversation and they acted like children. That made it a lot easier to break up with him, there was no emotional attachment, in fact, they had me running for the hills.

now, as i find myself on a break [again] from david, all i keep thinking about is his family, and that i keep wanting to hang onto HIM because his family is, in a word, amazing. Since i've met them, i've been treated as one of them. i have never felt awkward, i'm always invited to dinner and am more than willing to help whenever it's needed. I look up to his mom, on a personal and professional level. and not only his immediate family, but his extended family, too. grandparents, cousins, 2nd cousins...i find it all ironic. how in one situation, someone's family can cause you to run, and in another, it's what's keeping you there.

as for my own family, i mean, we're close, but not horribly. i guess i can attribute that to a few reasons. for one, there's my dad. i mean, i know his name, and his e-mail address, but beyond that, i don't know anything. i never have. that's kind of a reason i'm afraid to start another relationship [although that's a total backburner thought] because honestly, i think i'm ashamed. ashamed of the fact i don't have a relationship with my father, that i'm a bastard child. growing up i've always known it was not a big deal but as i become an adult, i always wonder, why doesn't my dad want to know me? i'm his offspring, right? how can you live your life not wanting to know about that person? just knowing they exsist and what they do isn't enough for me. i'd want to KNOW the person. you know, the good stuff. i guess i'll probably always hold that resentment, that now that i'm adult, it seems to me that they'd want not know me. guess not. oh well.

as i told a friend, i need to 'put on my big girl pants' and get over it, and move on. i love david-i always will-but i'm sick of fighting every time we're together, of feeling like i'm walking on eggshells, constantly, and everything i do is wrong. i'm sick of being treated like a child. so, i'm moving on.

i joined a new gym. i'm hoping to go 3-4 times a week, do a few cycling classes, maybe some yoga. i'm re-doing my room at my grandma's. i'm reading a few good books, and am determined to finish sex and the city [on the 2nd disc of season 6]. i deleted all and any phone numbers related to david from my cell phone and directory at work.

the funny thing is, we're not even broken up. we're 'on a break'. what does that mean, anyway? i mean i'm the one who initiated it so you think i'd know what it meant? to me, it means, i don't want to hear from or see YOU for 3 weeks. And then when 3 weeks is up, if i've found i can't live without you, we go from there. i'm too young to be worried about the rest of my life. i need to live for each day. i'm not looking for a new boyfriend, i'm not even looking for a date. i'm looking for myself, i want to find MYSELF, and i want to do it alone. without the judgement of another person.

lmz*

"I'm someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." -carrie bradshaw

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

THE WORLD 'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said: 'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping,
dancing, camping, drank wine, always had a clean house, never had
to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get
fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all
the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched
sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had
high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in
sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

The End

Refreshing, relaxing & amazing!

I got back yesterday from my week long vacation. It was so, so, so AMAZING. It went SO fast, though! David and I went to his parent's cabin. We arrived on Monday morning, well around lunch time. We went into Rice Lake (nearby town) and had lunch. We went to Herberger's and Menard's, too. David and his mom had golf lessons in Spooner on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I went golfing on Tuesday. I wasn't too good. Wednesday I was alone at

the cabin, and that was nice. I got up and had breakfast with Dave and Betty and then after they left took a nap til noon with Chester! I went to the driving range, hit some balls. Just relaxed. There was a bear who came to visit us...that was really scary. And a racoon in the boat. I didn't like him too much. David and I were going to go to Prop's, a restaurant on the other end of the lake, but we (I) was too scared to ride in the boat with the racoon stuck in the storage area! So we put the boat back and

drove to Pine Ridge, a nice restaurant on Lake Sissabagama, about 10 mins away. I had baked ziti, Dave had a bunch of fish..oysters? No, Escargot..and scallops. It was yummy! It was amazing. I finished one book (I brought 4!!) called "Good in Bed' by Jennifer Weiner, I recommened it! Also I just started reading "True Believer" by Nicholas Sparks and I will probably finish it tonight!! I'd love to write more but I haven't been at work for a week, so I need to get back to
work! Gotta love PAID time off!!

*lmz

I don't want to get up baby let's turn off the phone

I don't want to go to work today or even put my make-up on

I got better things to do than my to do list anyway

hide under the covers and waste away the day

let's just lay here and be lazy, baby drive me crazy

Catchin' Up!

I haven't written in a while, so, here goes nothing!

Work is same old, same old. Sucks sitting in a cube all day when it's so, so nice out like it has been the past week or so but it's fine. I enjoy the weekends more.

I've read a lot of good books the past few weeks since school's been out. I miss school!! I can't WAIT for my classes this fall, I'm so excited! Well, more for communications than science, but whatever. It has to get done!

I don't know anything else....

lmz

Friday night
I'm going nowhere
All the lights are changing green to red
Turning over TV stations
Situations running through my head
Well looking back through time
You know it's clear that I've been blind
I've been a fool
To ever open up my heart
To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule

Saturday I'm running wild
And all the lights are changing red to green
Moving through the crowd I'm pushing
Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream
Only wish that you were here
You know I'm seeing it so clear
I've been afraid
To tell you how I really feel
Admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made

If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Babylon, Babylon

Sunday all the lights of London
Shining , Sky is fading red to blue
I'm kicking through the Autumn leaves
And wondering where it is you might be going to
Turning back for home
You know I'm feeling so alone
I can't believe
Climbing on the stair
I turn around to see you smiling there
In front of me

If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Babylon, Babylon, Babylon

Probably

It's probably still best that we're broken up, but I think there are going to be stages I have to through before I am fully healed. The first I feel like is anger. I was very angry regarding the whole situation. The lies, the deceit. I was mad. And that is what made it easy to be gone. And now I'm starting to feel the second stage, which is...I can't quite pinpoint the emotion...I'm sad, but I wouldn't call it 'sad' because I know that I am doing the right thing. I think maybe it's the letting go stage? Letting go of everything, the fact I won't be spending the summer at the lake with his family, the fact we won't be sitting out on the boat every weekend and spending Sunday golfing together. I have to try to remember the anger and the hurt, the bad things, to keep me from going back. I haven't talked to David since Monday. It doesn't seem like that long but each day drags on. I feel like each day is better than the last, but inside I know I'm not OK. But I know I don't want to go back to that. I can't. I can't be made to feel like I'm a basketcase with no control of my emotions. I haven't even begun to THINK about how I'll spend the rest of the summer at Grandma's...doing nothing each night expect walking around Como and reading a book. Maybe that's relaxing, though. Maybe I can spend more time with me...maybe I can spend more time not being dependent on someone else. That's what I can try. I need to stay positive. It's hard, I'll admit that, and I think today's really the first day I'm feeling vunerable. I'm feeling like I'm ready to give in at any minute, and that's not OK.

Gone.

There's gone for good, and there's good and gone
And there's gone with the long before it
I wish she'd been just a little more clear.
Well, there's gone for the day and gone for the night
And gone for the rest of your dog-gone life.
Is it a whiskey night, or just a couple beers?I
mean what kinda' gone are we talkin' 'bout here?

I looked at your face
I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time
I saw that you couldn't care less about what you do
You couldn't care less about the lies
You couldn't find the time to cry
We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us
Now our love's floating out the window
Our love's floating out the back door
Our love's floating up in the sky
In heaven, where it began
Back in God's hands
You said that you had said all that you had to say
You say 'baby, it's the end of the day'We gave a lot but it wasn't enough
We got so tired that we just gave up
Now our love's floating out the window
Our love's floating out the back door
Our love's floating up in the sky
In heaven, where it began
Back in God's hands, back in God's hands
We didn't respect it
We went and neglect it
We didn't deserve it
But I never expected this
Our love floated out the window
Our love floated out the back door
Our love floated up in the sky
To heaven, it's part of a plan
It's back in God's hands, back in God's hands
Oh, we didn't last, it's a thing of the past
No we didn't understand just what we had

UGH!

I hate St. Kate's. That school SUCKS. They won't release my transcript unitl I don't owe them anything anymore. Keep in mind I'm PAYING them every month until November!!! SO I can't transfer in the fall, I have to stick out one more semester at St Paul College. And Ihate that. It makes me so upset. All of the classes I want to take, they aren't offered @ night. SO, when am I supposed to go to class? At 2pm on Thursday??? I WISH!! But I can't.

We didn't get the apartment. I was pretty bummed out. There is another really nice one on the same block, it's alot nicer inside than this, granite countertops, dishwasher, washer, dryer..but it's $1,000/month. We can afford that. We can't come up with $1,000 for the deposit. And then pay rent for two places for the month of June. It's too much. It sucks.

I had a job interview yesterday. It's here @ Securian. In the Claims department, a claims examiner. The interview went well, I would like the job a lot, it seems like something I'd be really good at. But, there are 8 other internal applicants. So, that pretty much leaves me at the bottom, with the least experience, yada yada. Oh well. Looks like I'm stuck =(

I am feeling a little like negative nancy. I am just pissed. Why can't things just be easy. Why can't Metro State admit me without my grades from st kate's because they are shitty anyways and I don't really want to transfer those credits, because the grades are so fucking bad. Ugh...>!>>!>>!>!

lmz

The Most Perfect Apartment in the Entire World...

...And I can't let it slip away!!!!

David and I have been looking at apartments lately and we're looking for at least a 1 bedroom, under $1,000 a month in our neighborhood, preferably more than 800 sq feet....and we looked at a couple really nice ones, but they were smaller than ours right now and $200/month more! So, I was browsing craigslist yesterday and happened to see a 1BR off Laurel & Dale-across the street from a school and baseball field, in an old brownstone building. Get this. Dishwasher. In Unit Washer and Dryer. 1100 square feet. LESS THAN WE'RE PAYING NOW! Umm..why you may ask? Because it's been on the market for almost 2 years and hasn't sold. So, as of June 1 it's coming off the market and going up for rent. So I have been emailing the current owner who needs to rent it out and we're going look on Friday night. The bad thing is that David can't get out of his lease until July 1, 2008. The good news is that I can afford this place on my own for a month...What I want to do is go in there tomorrow, hand her $1,200 for deposit + 1st month rent and sign a lease. It's so perfect. I can't believe it. This NEEDS to work out, it just has to. We haven't come across anything this perfect yet, and we are most definetley needing space to move. This place is a 1br, 1 bath but has a living room, informal dining room and formal dining room. And a fireplace. And it's in a brownstone. Hello?! What do I need to do to get this place!! I am sure it's going to rented really soon, and I don't want that. I can't let this slip away. I think I'll cry. Oh man...How am I going to pull this off?! Ahh!!!!!!!!

lmz

Update...

It's amazing what a difference one person can make. Let's just say the past two days a certain someone @ work hasn't been here. O.M.G. life is so much better. Not only the peace and quiet and no b*tching from this person, but no drama. My day goes by SO much faster, and I feel like I'm DOING a better job. Is that horrible? I really don't think so. Umm...life..what's new..Ooo..I got my car back. Since David's working in Mendota Heights at the Country Club he needs it, not exactly a hop skip and bus ride away. Granted it's only like 6 miles, at the most, but yeah. I love Trixie. No problems so far!! She's running really smooth!!! It would be a really easy bike ride, down the hill over the high bridge to Dodd Road and then that all the way there. But, as previously stated in my blog the weather has been anything but cooperative (snow this weekend. Seriously?!?). Let's see...school. I have been slacking and I will admit that. I have an Ethics paper due Monday by 11pm as well as an exam for Nutrition open Monday from 6am-Midnight. Options: get up early and do my exam before work, go to work til2:30 go to the dentist for my final installment of my tooth and a new filling OR go to work like I normally do and go to the dentist for above mentioned work then go home home and do my test...Hmm. My paper will be written this weekend so I don't have to do it on Monday. My very intellectual and intelligent boyfriend will be assisting me with my Ethics paper. I am not as 'worldly' as he is, if that's the right word. He's just, smart. Really smart. SO he's helping me. Maintains both our sanity levels :) Hum de do...David and I have been going to Spin class. An intense workout that, when combined with good eating habits and other weight training will help me lose and maintain my goal weight, which of course I haven't been even trying to obtain. I am having a hardcore chocolate craving and it's probably the PMS (yes, I just put all that out there, Eeekk!). I am just dyyyyyingggg for a pint of Green and Blacks Organic Bittersweet Chocolate ice cream....mmmmm...I am going to Google it...OK, really I'm going to go back to 'work'. Adios

lmz

I hate slush.

I can handle the snow. I like to bundle up and go for a nice walk around the Hill in the winter. I like to go snowmobiling, sledding and cross country skiing at the lake. But I hate this. I dispise this nasty weather! It's not sunny, it's freezing cold and the snow looks like crap. I can't wait for summer. I am SO excited for my nice long walks around the Hill, when David and I walk down to Grand Ave, go to Grand Ole Creamery..it is so much fun. I love summer. Boating, skiing, tubing, tanning, a nice cold Leinie's Summer Shandy on the lake. Ahh...I am ready for that :)

lmz

Ouch

So I went to the dentist on Wednesday and they finished up the root canal. It was horrible. I was out of work Thursday and am barely making it through today. It hurts so bad. I was sick to my stomach yesterday from the pain meds and not eating food. I haven't eaten since Wednesday...except the applesauce I'm eating now. It sucks. I hate this =(

Blah.

The root canal was fine, fyi, for anyone concerned. I lived through it.

I hate men. Why are they so immature and lazy? That's the question of the day. I could keep rambling but it really doesn't matter and it really is not interesting.

Leah

I'm alive! My root canal was just fine. That's just lovely.

Yay for the weekend =P

LMZ