Root Canal

I'm getting a root canal in the morning. I am nervous =(

I'll be hoped on pain killers all day Thursday, though, so that makes up for it. Sort of.

Wish me luck.

Leah

I want to run away

How nice does it sound to pack up everything and just leave. California sounds the best. San Francisco to be exact. Someday...

I hate being stressed out. I guess the only thing I'm stressed about now is this damn tooth. I need a root canal (and I've needed a root canal since December but I've failed to set aside any funds for this). Yesterday I was munching on pecans when I bit down in the wrong place and broke my f*cking tooth. Ouch. It hurt. The worst part is that it is constantly grinding against my tounge and unfortunately, my job requires me to talk for almost 8 hrs a day. So, needless to say, by the end of the day I've had just about enough. Anyways, I'm going in for a root canal on Thursday. Should be funnnn....Not.

Winter Blues

Why oh why won't winter go away? I hate it! It's sooo cold out. Well, I guess it's warmer today than it's been.

Since moving out of crazy lady's apartment, I am so much less stressed. It's amazing. I love it.

You know, I hate when grown women act like children. That seriously pisses me off. Today, while discussing the weekend and what we did, with another co-worker, I mentioned that I bought my brother, Justin, an iPod shuffle, and she comments back with "are you the parent?", SERIOUSLY. Why I let that get to me really pisses me off. I try to keep my personal life separate from my work life, I try hard. I don't come to work and b*tch about all my homework or talk about things going in my life. Why would you jump to the conclusion that I have to be the parent to buy my brother a gift? Is it my insecurity that is allowing it to get to me? Well, I responded with "No, I'm not. It's a gift" and proceeded to do my work. I don't need to justify spending $52.96 (with tax) on my brother to anyone. That was my choice. I bought it for him because I know how much he loves music. He uses it almost as therapy when he gets real stressed out, just like I do. I know how nice it is to just put on my headphones and go for a walk and listen to music. And Justin is the same way. SO I had mentioned to him if he stayed out of trouble and had some good behaviors I'd get him one. Well actually, Mom asked if I'd go in on it, and I said no, I couldn't afford it. Then I thought about it and a few days later I decided I would, only to find out that Mom already sent Justin a gift card for $30 instead of that. SO, I thought the right thing was to afford it. And I did. And he was happy, he enjoyed it. The look on his face when he opened it up, and we uploaded songs was priceless. If him having music can change him from getting upset at another kid at his house, then so be it. Isn't that better than beating a kid up? Although it's never okay to beat a kid up, I feel the same way sometimes. When grown ups act like children, and I don't have any other option because I'm stuck to my desk until 5:30pm, I chose to blog. And get it off my chest so that I'm not holding it all in.

So, I got a C+ on my Ethics paper...I know that sounds like it's "okay" but it's a little sad, but I'm NOT proud or happy. I had one week to write a paper, and I waited until about 4 hours before it was due. Ridiculous. I suppose it's good I at least got 78% considering it is 25% of my grade...Anyways, next time I'll have to do better. I have a nutrition test to take tonight. I have my book here to study @ lunch and on my break...I'm getting like 115% in that class now because of extra credit, which is always good.

Anyways, I got to vent. Feels better. Back to work. Is it Friday yet? Nope, still Monday. Great. =)

lmz

Brrr.

Sunset @ the Lake. I love it. Can't wait for summer!!

I had the morning off today. That was nice. I planned it yesterday, since I knew I'd be up late writing my paper, and then stressing out about it. I really didn't do well. I need to start WAY before it's due next time. Definatley not the night before. Real smart, Leah. So, I slept in. Until 10am. And puttsed around. David and I had brunch at Bon Vie. And then we went to the bakery and got some baked goods. And then...I got on the bus and came to work. Fun.


Tonight I'm going to the gym and eating dinner and then cleaning before turning in early.

I have tons of work to do today. Hmm. Better get going.

PS It's really freaking cold out. I wish it'd get warmer. It's seriously cold out. Brr.

lmz*_

Free!

I moved out on Saturday. I got lucky and my roommate released me from the lease without even having a new roommate. I am excited. I am happy. I was more than willing to be patient and wait, but she didn't want to. I guess I am that bad! Geesh! Yay! *happy dance*

Anyway, I have an ethics paper due tonight by 11pm..and I have barely started. I'm so screwed. And the worse part is that it's 25% of my grade...ughhh.....

Back to work =)

Ranting & Raving

I am not crabby today. I am not upset. I am excited, excited to move out, excited for spring, excited to go back to my normal life. It's not that bad. My life is not that bad. I am okay. There are people out there who are upset and pissed off about the same things. They hate the situation they're in, but they're not in an hurry to change them. So you hate your job...change it. Yes, it's not that easy, but it can be done. I don't know how many times I have heard you bitching and complaining that you hate your job, and you have two degrees you should be more successful...what else....you shouldn't be living in an apartment with someone else and your cats, you should have a home and be more successful. Do you hate the fact that you're a grown adult and you make less money than a young adult? Most people do, or would. Don't take it out on that person. There are plenty of adults out there who make less money than someone else, or don't own a home or don't have children. It's not all about money, you know that right? Don't take pride in yourself to be so great when you're not. This is harsh and mean of me. I've heard I'm considered immature and irresponsible, just a few of the adjectives used to describe me. You know what, no matter what you say, you're not going to change me. Actually, it's pretty funny that you would. You have no power over me. You don't have power over everyone, you know that right? I consider myself to be pretty damn mature, and very responsible. But this blog is not to boost me. This blog is written with hopes that the person can realize their own faults before jumping down every other person's throat. You can't change the world until you're satifsfied with yourself or with your own life. So take my advice. Chill out a little bit. Quit trying to be so perfect. You are a lovely human being with a kind heart. Don't try to be someone you're not. And don't take your faults out on someone else. I can't wait until I do not have to think about you anymore. The day I am done with you, there will be a nice e-mail in your inbox stating all the things you do that are horrible, and how you can change them...change them so that you have friends, or maybe a boyfriend, or HEY maybe you'll get married someday? Ha. Right.

lmz

love*

Call me mushy or old fashioned, but I've been thinking about "love" lately. What is love? Well I could recite the line from Corinthians..but I won't. Love is...happiness. Love is buying your girlfriend Midol at a gas station where it's only guys your age working (right Nat?), love is buying your broke girlfriend designer sunglasses, or going extremely out of your way to personally deliver her FAVORITE flower on the cheesiest day ever (Valentine's Day, totally overrated Hallmark holiday). Love is listening to your significant other, letting them cry when their emotions get the best of them. Love is just hugging them and saying "it's okay" and then if you're my boyfriend you say "Ok get over it" and you know that's his way of wanting you to quit pouting and come play a damn game or watch a movie. The best kind of love is the kind when you're just being lazy, doing nothing special, but you're still not bored. You have some world issue to debate about, or a small issue, like why the toilet seat should be left down. The best feeling is that look you get when you've just woken up. The one that's saying "wow" just by his eyes. That is my kind of love. Love is taking your kitties for walks..and yes, they walk. Around the block. Down the street. They're amazing cats. Love is driving 45 minutes to pick up your boyfriend from work because his ride left early. Love is just hanging out. I'm not even talking about boyfriend/girlfriend love. I mean friendship love. The kind where you can just sit on the couch and talk for hours, or one of the first few times you met someone and feeling like you've been friends forever, no matter what separates you. What happened to that kind of love? I love love. The good kind. The kind that my favorite singer croons about-the "you're everything" kind of love. It is those little moments when you realize you have to cherish that person, and their every quirk or their every flaw. Not even the bad stuff, either. Cherish the good stuff. The sexiest smile out there, the clearest blue eyes you've ever seen...When you know your life is not the same without that one simple person in it...that is love. True love. The love where you can't WAIT to be with that person for the rest of your life. You know they're it. And they know you're it. You're just waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect time to announce it to the world. Love. Ahh, I love love.

Well, it's a marvelous night for a Moondance
With the stars up above in your eyes
A fantabulous night to make romance
'Neath the cover of October skies
And all the leaves on the trees are falling
To the sound of the breezes that blow
And I'm trying to please to the calling
Of your heart-strings that play soft and low
And all the night's magic seems to whisper and hush
And all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush

Can I just have one more Moondance with you, my love
Can I just make some more romance with you, my love

Moondance

Did anyone see the eclipse last night? I didn't. It was too freaking cold out! Instead, I watched it on the news. That was fine. When I was leaving work I did see the big huge moon, that was cool!

I'm moving out of my apartment. If you wish to know further details as to why, please contact me, and I'll be happy to explain. It's not fair for me to throw it all over the internet as to why I am moving out. I will be moving back in with David for a little bit. I am just taking it day by day. I kind of want to live alone. When I originally moved out of David's I was counting on being 'more independant' and 'responsible' but unfortunatley that did not happen. Again, for reasons not to be discussed on my blog. I may look into getting my own one bedroom apartment. I am not sure I want to though. There are a few reasons. I don't have furniture. Why waste money on a couch...and living room stuff, and not to mention kitchen stuff, because again, I have nothing. To me it'd be a waste of time. It probably would be a waste of money, as well. 1 bedrooms are pretty expensive. So, tenativley I'll be moving back with David. We may look into getting a bigger apartment. His is pretty small. It's not so much small as between the two of us we have a lot of stuff. So, I am excited for that. So much for getting away..haha. I will miss Highland...oh well it will be worth it, I love the Hill way more than Highland. Plus I'm happier when I'm at David's. And I get to see my kitties. It's just simple. I should have never moved out in the first place. Especially with a total stranger. Not a good idea. I don't recommened it.

School...is going well. I dropped one class. Three was way too many. I am just taking two now, and hopefully I'll be able to focus better without being preoccupied by having to write my opinions of jazz history in APA style. Ridic.

I am going to the lake this weekend. I am so excited. We're going to go snowmobiling, and go to Duffy's (a cute little bar on the lake). Not to mention I get to see Chester (David's parent's new dog). He's adorable. Back to work =P

lmz*

can i just have one more moondance with you, my love?
can i just make some more romance with you, my love?

My thoughts for today.

I am not a bad person. I am sick of being subjected to feel like I'm a bad person. People make mistakes, maybe someone tells someone else something that this someone doesn't want to hear. Maybe said person is jealous. Maybe said person is letting too much little shit get to them. Who cares if I make more money than you? Who cares that my company gives more money for profit sharing than yours? How does that affect you? How can you be so concerned about what goes on in someone else's life? Especially when that person has no special relationship to you? That person is not your best friend, in your family or even close to being related to you. Why do you let what that person does piss you off? Why do you let that person's life get to you? These are the questions that are perplexing my mind. I don't understand, not one bit. I will admit that I was probably rude in sharing my company's profit sharing rates, which, is public knowledge and something my company takes pride in offering to their associates. I will admit I make pretty damn good money for a 20 year old. But I will not allow myself to feel BAD for that. I am not competing with anyone but myself. I am determined and I am smart. I do not blame the fact that I have a full time job and am a full time student on anyone else. I knew I had to make a pro-active choice to improve my life. I did not want to scrape up pennies and dimes for food and gas. And that's fine! That's my choice. I could be doing the '20 year old thing', going to school part time, working 12 hours a week at the mall and scraping up money. But I'm not. And I enjoy it. I enjoy having money to pay my daunting credit card bills, or to enjoy going out to eat with my boyfriend. I enjoy being able to spend $100 at Target on clothes or new things for myself. And I wouldn't be able to do that, not even close, if I didn't make these life choices. Yes, every now again (actually every Monday morning) I miss having my first class at 10am and being done by 5pm. I miss drinking with the girls on Monday nights and spending all of the next day recovering. I know I will succeed. Every day I try to better myself by taking pride in my career. This is my choice to work full time. And that's fine. Because it's the best option of all my choices. I will not let anyone bring me down. I do not think said person is a bad person, not at all, not even close. I think said person is smart, outgoing, courageous, knowledgeable and unique. I think said person and I could be great friends. But said person gets to me. And I let said person get to me. And I play said person's mental mind games. I am the who decides to let this person piss me off. But, I like said person. And I am playing this person's games, you see? I am letting their insecurities and faults get to me, and piss me off. I am taking whatever this person says to heart and allowing it to bother me. And that is all me. Me deciding to do that. So, I am wrong. I was wrong. But said person needs to not care about me, or what I do. I am not said person's girlfriend or significant other. You pride yourself on being so giving and thoughtful of others. You try so hard to please everyone. And from an outsider's point of view, you're the one stressing yourself out about other people's problems. And I don't want a fight or an argument. It's not worth the time for either of us. We both have better things to do than sit and worry about what the other one is thinking or what the other person's life problems are, and that's the cold, hard truth. Maybe I've been a little blunt or a little straight forward. The fact of the matter is that I don't have the balls to actually say anything to your face because I am intimidated by you. I am scared of your words and reactions. So I choose to express my feelings in a blog that you may or may not have accesss to. And if you're reading this, fine. I hope you understand that I don't hate you. I am not trying to be mean to you, or have an attitude towards you. I am not a mean person. I am not a bad person. Maybe I'm selfless. Maybe I'm immature and maybe I'm irresponsible. I'd like to think no one thinks of me as none of the above. But if they do, that's their perogitive. I am going to whole heartedly try to look past the miscommuncations between us because I do not want to let little things you say bother me the way I do. Maybe it's because I am emotional person and no matter who it is, if it's someone I don't know, says something bad about me, I take it to heart. I try to not care about what others think or let it roll off of my shoulders, but it's incredibly difficult. Please don't cop an attitude and pull the 'the whole world is out to get me' card. It's not that bad, hun. Move on.

....and the work is piled on my desk and I'm out of here in 15 minutes...Craptastic! Looks like I'm working late tonight! Oh well. That's life . I decided to vent my stresses out instead of work. That is my problem and I am not blaming that on anyone else.

lmz.

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

Unneccesary Stress

I take everyone else stress to be my own. That is my problem. I am so concerned with everyone else being happy and satisfied that I forget my own life and try to fix everyone and everything else. SO, that's what I will be working on. Hmm..nothing really to blog about. How about this weather?! I hate it. It sucks. I also hate school. School sucks. I hate these stupid classes and Jazz History will be my death. Call me negative Nancy...I have been sick for like 3 days..I am starting to feel better but I am sure that the Chipotle I am allowing myself to have tonight will make me feel better.

lmz.

Happy 2008! (A little belated!)

Here's a belated Happy New Year! I am hoping for a great year in 2008. I can't imagine it'd be a bad year, but ya never know. My semester ended well, a B in both classes! My classes start next week, but this time they're all online. I'm taking Ethics, Jazz History and Nutrition. Sounds exciting, right? I just can't wait until I can take my classes for my major. Those classes will be like, "Communicating Between Genders", "Marketing 101"...Ahh, I love those ones!!

I've gotten assigned a few different projects at work so I'm kind of busy!

OH By the way, my roomie is doing the Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk, if anyone is interested in donating, let me know, I can give you her website for it.

Leah

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! I can't believe it's almost Christmas. It's Christmas Eve today and I am at work until Noon. Not bad, I'll take it. Yesterday was Christmas with David's parents and sister-that was fun-We ate and opened presents and watched the Vikings lose to the Redskins. Today after work I'm going to take a little nap and then we're heading to Glencoe to go to his Grandma's house-which is my favorite part! I love going there-we play really fun games and eat lots of things! Mmm!! Yay! Tomorrow we're going to my Grandma's, that should be fun, too. That's really I have! Nothing too exciting. I finished the semester well-I got an A on my final photo project, an A on my sociology final and a B on my written final in photo! That's really all...

*lmz

I ought to say no, no, no, sir.
Mind if I move in closer?
At least I'm gonna say that I tried!
What’s the sense of hurtin’ my pride?
I really can't stay,
Baby don’t hold out
but its cold outside!

Ready for the weekend

I am so ready for the weekend. It seems like it's never here. And I hate this winter crap. I seriously am going to be a snow bird and someday go live in Florida or Arizona during this crap. It's so cold, walking home from the bus, waiting for the bus, at my desk...always freezing! I'm going to hibernate this weekend...not going anywhere or doing anything. Well, except study for my photo final, and my take my sociology quiz, and get a study guide for that ready. Hmm...that's all. Back to work.

lmz


If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.
Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.
Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

Positives

It seems as though things are going pretty well for me these days...well the past few days. Well, actually, on side they're going well, on the other, not so much. Let me explain...

David and I are doing really great. He really actually appreciates me being around. I went over Monday after class and he made me dinner, which was so sweet. And the same thing last night! A gourmet dinner last night! Steak and potatoes with carmelized onions-and a really good au jus sauce. I am happy that we're happy. I can't believe it's coming up on 14 months of being together. That's huge for me.

The most exciting thing to happen to me this week would have to be my 6 month performace appraisil at work....I recieved a "successful" rating, which is awesome, and it came with some nice benefits :). At 6 months, associates are expected to considered "developing" but I surpassed that by having an awesome work ethic, doing more than my assigned work and constantly staying busy, among other things. That was very exciting! I am working my way up.

Well...should get back to work :)

lmz

college.

A revelation! I was talking with my boss today about college...and what I am going to do after I am done at St Paul College (coming up really quick-two semesters left!)..Well, I was originally going to go to Metro State and major in Professional Communcations with a concentration in Organizational Communcation, and minor in Advertising...Well, looking at it, Metro is really cheap...and it's a good school, and it's close, but I'll be in school until like 2012 or 2013....it seems like a long time, and maybe I just want instant gratification..but seriously? 6 more years of school? I don't know...granted I will have very few student loans and will probably have an awesome resume and get a KILLER job...I don't know...So my boss brought up Concordia in St Paul..and I was like, mehh...private schools...no. But then I checked out the website....they don't have communcations as a program for the "adult learning programs"...but they do have "Innovation and Marketing Management" as well as "Organizational Leadership and Management" that would interest me and be beneficial in my career path....The program is 18 months, and the classes are about 5-6 weeks long, going all year..ah!! But, my boss, is married and has 5 kids, and she did it. I wonder if it'd work for me? Hmm...I won't be applying until mid to late summer...The application process is different than normal-you submit a resume, and two letters of "professional" recommendation. I like that. $400/credit though...Ah...well, Securian does refund up to $5K of expenses assuming I do well..Life is exciting. I really wanted to do Communcations, I love communcations, and talking, and writing. It's like, the perfect major....I kind of like the leadership one, maybe I could pick up a minor in Comm?? OH OH!! They also have both the programs I like online...I LOVE online classes...I HATE sitting in class...I guess $400/credit isn't bad compared to St. Kate's *$750-800/credit*...but compared to Metro, which is about $180-$200/credit...Would a degree from Concordia be more transferrable than Metro? If I move to Boston, or Sacramento, or Phoenix, or South Carolina, would I get a good job? Metro State is more of a well known local school...is Concordia well known all over? That's the tough thing. I know I want to move away, I know I do. I want to graduate, stay at Securian for a year (so I don't have to pay back the tuition reimbursement) and then find a job out of state and move away for a while.

Meh..

lmz..

Meh..

Well I haven't written in a while, but that's okay. Nothing really new. Hey something REALLY exciting...I got an A on my photo test last night..how that happened, I have NO idea...I honestly read about two sentences from the chapter..Whoa. That's awesome. I'm still getting a low C in that class....I need to pick it up really quick to get it up to a B...Bleh. That's about it.

Happy Turkey Day!

Christmas is overrated.

I like decorating and spending time with my family. I think it's dumb that people spend *so* much money and useless stuff. I don't know, Christmas in my family has always been either really laid back, or really depressing. It's never a big deal. We go to Grandma's, we eat, and we talk. I am still lucky I guess that no one expects me to buy gifts. I mean, I understand the meaning of the gifts but I think some people go overboard, don't you? That's just society. Maybe I'm just bitter....I never really liked the idea of Christmas. I like the "Idea" of it, I mean the reason for it, but I think it's lost it's point. God doesn't want people spending $500 on a 10 year old, wouldn't he rather have that money be spent to do something good? Or something for the good of the whole family?? Oh well. I like Thanksgiving better and I think Christmas should be like that, too...I mean I appreciate a nice little gift for Christmas, don't get me wrong.

Oh well. I'm just bitter about holidays. I was reading my old diary a couple weeks ago that my grandma gave me Xmas of 7th grade, and it was like "I hate christmas. I hate being around my family, they are crazy and we never have fun. I wish I just lived with grandma, I hate my brothers and my mom". *laughing* Kind of funny, I suppose.

Life sure isn't what you think it is. *sigh*.

Still looking forward to Yoga in the AM.

It doesn't show signs of stopping
And I've brought some corn for popping
The lights are turned way down low
Let is snow, let it snow, let it snow

.:stronger:.

I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way



Looking forward to the weekend-Yoga on Saturday AM, friends over Saturday night, relaxing, cleaning, oh and getting our big couch on Friday night =)


lmz

If you just realize...

Take time to realize that your warmth is crashing down on in.
Take time to realize that I am on your side.
Didn't I, didn't I tell you?
But I can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple.
No I can't spell it out for you.
If you just realize what I just realized, then we'd be perfect for eachother, and we'll never find another.
Just realize what I just realized, we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now.

Am I wrong and totally selfish? Because I hate feeling like doing something that I want soo bad is ruining my life and relationship. Apparently I'm selfish for wanting to live on my own when I'm 20...and I should be able to make a relationship work for myself. That's not possible. I am so sick of being emotionally screwed that I could scream and cry. I don't want to feel like I'm doing something wrong, because I'm not. I've already sacrificed part of my life and have given up any kind of social life or freedom to work full time, and it sucks.
I'd rather sleep until 9am and go to class at 10am and working a part time job. But that's not how it works, I can't do that. I mean, I could, but I really don't want to deal with what goes along with it..being broke and living at home. Being told I'm selfish for moving out of my boyfriend's is wrong. For some reason, he's the ONLY one who thinks it's selfish. I get so many people saying "That's awesome, I'm proud of you, good job". But the one person who's supposed to be there says the opposite. Maybe he's the selfish one....I mean, does he think about why I want to move out? Because I can't stand coming to someone laying on the couch, because he makes me sick watching TV all the time, because I can't leave for work crying in the morning because he was crabby and couldn't find his fucking toothbrush or glasses. That is why.
On top of the fact that it's just wrong. I want a 'normal' relationship, and I thought moving out could make it a little better, maybe get it back to how it was the few days I knew him before moving in. But now it's the opposite. I'm now alone. Fine by me. I mean I'm sad, and it sucks, but you know what, I'll be fine. I'm strong. And that's another thing. Sara and I were emailing today and she brought up a good fact. Men can't handle strong women.
They are intimidated by women who are smart and independent and don't need them for every fucking thing. They can't stand feeling inferior. I'm never going to get married. Or have kids (well, that's fine. I don't want any). I'm going to be 35 with a lot of cats and no man. I don't need a man, but...I'd like one. I'd like one who can handle me...and I just don't think it's going to happen. Not holding my breath. Oh well. I'm going to enjoy my youth and not be bitter.
On a brighter note, still doing well in classes-I'm taking 3 next semester, all online. And my brother Justin is going to be moved from Rochester to Minnetonka soon, which is awesome. It will be way easier to be in contact with him a lot more when he's so close.

lmz

All Settled In

Well, I'm all moved into my new apartment! It's great, I love it. Also, I am getting B's in both of my classes. Awesome. I'm proud of myself. Hopefully those get up to A's by then end of the semester-I've got a few more weeks to go! I'm going to get started on my photography project soon and I'm really excited, it should be cool! The only downside is that I have to work on in the morning before work because it might by hard to do at night...Morning, and at lunchtime....when I leave work it's 5:30pm and dark out! I am going to be photographing Rice Park in downtown St Paul, the lights on the trees, the people ice skating..I love it. I haven't written in a while, been too busy moving and stuff. The place will look really good when we're all settled in and I have a bed. Oh well, back to work.

lmz

But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so..