*[already_gone]*

So I broke up with David one week ago yesterday. The first week was going OK. Now it's starting to get worse. I try to keep myself busy, really busy. I've been going to the gym faithfully every night. I've been reading different books, getting together with old friends. But for some reason, it's always in the back of head that breaking up with him was wrong of me. I feel like I'm missing something...I am sure this something normal that everyone goes through when they break up. I didn't expect to be HAPPY but also didn't expect to be so..sad..I mean I know I did the right thing, that's not the problem. It's just the fact that I am spending my weekends totally and completely alone. It's not having my best friend, and I know being friends just isn't an option. I am really hoping that I can continue to grieve the loss of a friend, and a special relationship while continuing to go on with my life.

On a lighter note, spin class kicked my ass last night. I seriously was sweating so much I felt like I just took a shower [kind of gross, but good, those are all calories burned!!]. I am looking forward to this weekend. I wish the mechanic would call me back, I want him to look at my car, and I want to get it fixed. Grandma said he's probably on vacation or something. I am going to be hanging out with Logan one day, taking him to get a haircut and probably buying him some new shoes & clothes for school. I also am getting very excited for my classes to start. I know I'll be saying I hate them in about a month.

OH YEAH it's almost my 21st b-day!! Yayyy!

OK, back to work.

lmz*

The last time I saw him, we packed up my things
And he smiled like the first time he told me his name
And we cried with each other
We split the blame for the parts that we couldn’t change
Pictures, dishes and socks
It's our whole life down to one box
There he was waving goodbye on the front porch alone

...But I was already gone

"already gone" by Sugarland

Recap

Kelly on the phone with the power company (we lost power)..& Harry the hampster!

Last weekend, I went to Duluth. It was a lot of fun! I visited my friend, Kelly. I'll put up some pics!

lift bridge in Duluth

Kel & the boys, walking down the pier.

/b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l.\

grandma's flowers::6.17.2008

I'm ready.

I'm ready for the next step. I'm ready for this. As I was laying in bed last night, I got excited thinking about all the things I'm going to do. Spending time with myself. Not answering to anyone. Going to the gym when I'm bored. Buying a new shirt, just because. Yes, I'll be sad, possibly devastated, but honestly, that's so much better than the way I was feeling before. I ready to stop feeling like a basketcase, and start feeling in control, of everything, my life, my emotions, my finances. A grown up. That's how I feel. I don't feel like a child. I won't feel like a child anymore.

& I'm ready for that. So, so...ready.

lmz*
//it's not always rainbows && butterflies::it's compromise that moves us along\\

isn't it ironic?

when i was dating crazy joey, one of the main reasons i wanted to break up was because of his family. they hated me, we couldn't have a conversation and they acted like children. That made it a lot easier to break up with him, there was no emotional attachment, in fact, they had me running for the hills.

now, as i find myself on a break [again] from david, all i keep thinking about is his family, and that i keep wanting to hang onto HIM because his family is, in a word, amazing. Since i've met them, i've been treated as one of them. i have never felt awkward, i'm always invited to dinner and am more than willing to help whenever it's needed. I look up to his mom, on a personal and professional level. and not only his immediate family, but his extended family, too. grandparents, cousins, 2nd cousins...i find it all ironic. how in one situation, someone's family can cause you to run, and in another, it's what's keeping you there.

as for my own family, i mean, we're close, but not horribly. i guess i can attribute that to a few reasons. for one, there's my dad. i mean, i know his name, and his e-mail address, but beyond that, i don't know anything. i never have. that's kind of a reason i'm afraid to start another relationship [although that's a total backburner thought] because honestly, i think i'm ashamed. ashamed of the fact i don't have a relationship with my father, that i'm a bastard child. growing up i've always known it was not a big deal but as i become an adult, i always wonder, why doesn't my dad want to know me? i'm his offspring, right? how can you live your life not wanting to know about that person? just knowing they exsist and what they do isn't enough for me. i'd want to KNOW the person. you know, the good stuff. i guess i'll probably always hold that resentment, that now that i'm adult, it seems to me that they'd want not know me. guess not. oh well.

as i told a friend, i need to 'put on my big girl pants' and get over it, and move on. i love david-i always will-but i'm sick of fighting every time we're together, of feeling like i'm walking on eggshells, constantly, and everything i do is wrong. i'm sick of being treated like a child. so, i'm moving on.

i joined a new gym. i'm hoping to go 3-4 times a week, do a few cycling classes, maybe some yoga. i'm re-doing my room at my grandma's. i'm reading a few good books, and am determined to finish sex and the city [on the 2nd disc of season 6]. i deleted all and any phone numbers related to david from my cell phone and directory at work.

the funny thing is, we're not even broken up. we're 'on a break'. what does that mean, anyway? i mean i'm the one who initiated it so you think i'd know what it meant? to me, it means, i don't want to hear from or see YOU for 3 weeks. And then when 3 weeks is up, if i've found i can't live without you, we go from there. i'm too young to be worried about the rest of my life. i need to live for each day. i'm not looking for a new boyfriend, i'm not even looking for a date. i'm looking for myself, i want to find MYSELF, and i want to do it alone. without the judgement of another person.

lmz*

"I'm someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." -carrie bradshaw

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

THE WORLD 'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said: 'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping,
dancing, camping, drank wine, always had a clean house, never had
to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get
fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all
the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched
sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had
high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in
sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

The End

Refreshing, relaxing & amazing!

I got back yesterday from my week long vacation. It was so, so, so AMAZING. It went SO fast, though! David and I went to his parent's cabin. We arrived on Monday morning, well around lunch time. We went into Rice Lake (nearby town) and had lunch. We went to Herberger's and Menard's, too. David and his mom had golf lessons in Spooner on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I went golfing on Tuesday. I wasn't too good. Wednesday I was alone at

the cabin, and that was nice. I got up and had breakfast with Dave and Betty and then after they left took a nap til noon with Chester! I went to the driving range, hit some balls. Just relaxed. There was a bear who came to visit us...that was really scary. And a racoon in the boat. I didn't like him too much. David and I were going to go to Prop's, a restaurant on the other end of the lake, but we (I) was too scared to ride in the boat with the racoon stuck in the storage area! So we put the boat back and

drove to Pine Ridge, a nice restaurant on Lake Sissabagama, about 10 mins away. I had baked ziti, Dave had a bunch of fish..oysters? No, Escargot..and scallops. It was yummy! It was amazing. I finished one book (I brought 4!!) called "Good in Bed' by Jennifer Weiner, I recommened it! Also I just started reading "True Believer" by Nicholas Sparks and I will probably finish it tonight!! I'd love to write more but I haven't been at work for a week, so I need to get back to
work! Gotta love PAID time off!!

*lmz

I don't want to get up baby let's turn off the phone

I don't want to go to work today or even put my make-up on

I got better things to do than my to do list anyway

hide under the covers and waste away the day

let's just lay here and be lazy, baby drive me crazy

Catchin' Up!

I haven't written in a while, so, here goes nothing!

Work is same old, same old. Sucks sitting in a cube all day when it's so, so nice out like it has been the past week or so but it's fine. I enjoy the weekends more.

I've read a lot of good books the past few weeks since school's been out. I miss school!! I can't WAIT for my classes this fall, I'm so excited! Well, more for communications than science, but whatever. It has to get done!

I don't know anything else....

lmz

Friday night
I'm going nowhere
All the lights are changing green to red
Turning over TV stations
Situations running through my head
Well looking back through time
You know it's clear that I've been blind
I've been a fool
To ever open up my heart
To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule

Saturday I'm running wild
And all the lights are changing red to green
Moving through the crowd I'm pushing
Chemicals all rushing through my bloodstream
Only wish that you were here
You know I'm seeing it so clear
I've been afraid
To tell you how I really feel
Admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made

If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Babylon, Babylon

Sunday all the lights of London
Shining , Sky is fading red to blue
I'm kicking through the Autumn leaves
And wondering where it is you might be going to
Turning back for home
You know I'm feeling so alone
I can't believe
Climbing on the stair
I turn around to see you smiling there
In front of me

If you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Babylon, Babylon, Babylon

Probably

It's probably still best that we're broken up, but I think there are going to be stages I have to through before I am fully healed. The first I feel like is anger. I was very angry regarding the whole situation. The lies, the deceit. I was mad. And that is what made it easy to be gone. And now I'm starting to feel the second stage, which is...I can't quite pinpoint the emotion...I'm sad, but I wouldn't call it 'sad' because I know that I am doing the right thing. I think maybe it's the letting go stage? Letting go of everything, the fact I won't be spending the summer at the lake with his family, the fact we won't be sitting out on the boat every weekend and spending Sunday golfing together. I have to try to remember the anger and the hurt, the bad things, to keep me from going back. I haven't talked to David since Monday. It doesn't seem like that long but each day drags on. I feel like each day is better than the last, but inside I know I'm not OK. But I know I don't want to go back to that. I can't. I can't be made to feel like I'm a basketcase with no control of my emotions. I haven't even begun to THINK about how I'll spend the rest of the summer at Grandma's...doing nothing each night expect walking around Como and reading a book. Maybe that's relaxing, though. Maybe I can spend more time with me...maybe I can spend more time not being dependent on someone else. That's what I can try. I need to stay positive. It's hard, I'll admit that, and I think today's really the first day I'm feeling vunerable. I'm feeling like I'm ready to give in at any minute, and that's not OK.

Gone.

There's gone for good, and there's good and gone
And there's gone with the long before it
I wish she'd been just a little more clear.
Well, there's gone for the day and gone for the night
And gone for the rest of your dog-gone life.
Is it a whiskey night, or just a couple beers?I
mean what kinda' gone are we talkin' 'bout here?

I looked at your face
I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time
I saw that you couldn't care less about what you do
You couldn't care less about the lies
You couldn't find the time to cry
We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us
Now our love's floating out the window
Our love's floating out the back door
Our love's floating up in the sky
In heaven, where it began
Back in God's hands
You said that you had said all that you had to say
You say 'baby, it's the end of the day'We gave a lot but it wasn't enough
We got so tired that we just gave up
Now our love's floating out the window
Our love's floating out the back door
Our love's floating up in the sky
In heaven, where it began
Back in God's hands, back in God's hands
We didn't respect it
We went and neglect it
We didn't deserve it
But I never expected this
Our love floated out the window
Our love floated out the back door
Our love floated up in the sky
To heaven, it's part of a plan
It's back in God's hands, back in God's hands
Oh, we didn't last, it's a thing of the past
No we didn't understand just what we had

UGH!

I hate St. Kate's. That school SUCKS. They won't release my transcript unitl I don't owe them anything anymore. Keep in mind I'm PAYING them every month until November!!! SO I can't transfer in the fall, I have to stick out one more semester at St Paul College. And Ihate that. It makes me so upset. All of the classes I want to take, they aren't offered @ night. SO, when am I supposed to go to class? At 2pm on Thursday??? I WISH!! But I can't.

We didn't get the apartment. I was pretty bummed out. There is another really nice one on the same block, it's alot nicer inside than this, granite countertops, dishwasher, washer, dryer..but it's $1,000/month. We can afford that. We can't come up with $1,000 for the deposit. And then pay rent for two places for the month of June. It's too much. It sucks.

I had a job interview yesterday. It's here @ Securian. In the Claims department, a claims examiner. The interview went well, I would like the job a lot, it seems like something I'd be really good at. But, there are 8 other internal applicants. So, that pretty much leaves me at the bottom, with the least experience, yada yada. Oh well. Looks like I'm stuck =(

I am feeling a little like negative nancy. I am just pissed. Why can't things just be easy. Why can't Metro State admit me without my grades from st kate's because they are shitty anyways and I don't really want to transfer those credits, because the grades are so fucking bad. Ugh...>!>>!>>!>!

lmz

The Most Perfect Apartment in the Entire World...

...And I can't let it slip away!!!!

David and I have been looking at apartments lately and we're looking for at least a 1 bedroom, under $1,000 a month in our neighborhood, preferably more than 800 sq feet....and we looked at a couple really nice ones, but they were smaller than ours right now and $200/month more! So, I was browsing craigslist yesterday and happened to see a 1BR off Laurel & Dale-across the street from a school and baseball field, in an old brownstone building. Get this. Dishwasher. In Unit Washer and Dryer. 1100 square feet. LESS THAN WE'RE PAYING NOW! Umm..why you may ask? Because it's been on the market for almost 2 years and hasn't sold. So, as of June 1 it's coming off the market and going up for rent. So I have been emailing the current owner who needs to rent it out and we're going look on Friday night. The bad thing is that David can't get out of his lease until July 1, 2008. The good news is that I can afford this place on my own for a month...What I want to do is go in there tomorrow, hand her $1,200 for deposit + 1st month rent and sign a lease. It's so perfect. I can't believe it. This NEEDS to work out, it just has to. We haven't come across anything this perfect yet, and we are most definetley needing space to move. This place is a 1br, 1 bath but has a living room, informal dining room and formal dining room. And a fireplace. And it's in a brownstone. Hello?! What do I need to do to get this place!! I am sure it's going to rented really soon, and I don't want that. I can't let this slip away. I think I'll cry. Oh man...How am I going to pull this off?! Ahh!!!!!!!!

lmz

Update...

It's amazing what a difference one person can make. Let's just say the past two days a certain someone @ work hasn't been here. O.M.G. life is so much better. Not only the peace and quiet and no b*tching from this person, but no drama. My day goes by SO much faster, and I feel like I'm DOING a better job. Is that horrible? I really don't think so. Umm...life..what's new..Ooo..I got my car back. Since David's working in Mendota Heights at the Country Club he needs it, not exactly a hop skip and bus ride away. Granted it's only like 6 miles, at the most, but yeah. I love Trixie. No problems so far!! She's running really smooth!!! It would be a really easy bike ride, down the hill over the high bridge to Dodd Road and then that all the way there. But, as previously stated in my blog the weather has been anything but cooperative (snow this weekend. Seriously?!?). Let's see...school. I have been slacking and I will admit that. I have an Ethics paper due Monday by 11pm as well as an exam for Nutrition open Monday from 6am-Midnight. Options: get up early and do my exam before work, go to work til2:30 go to the dentist for my final installment of my tooth and a new filling OR go to work like I normally do and go to the dentist for above mentioned work then go home home and do my test...Hmm. My paper will be written this weekend so I don't have to do it on Monday. My very intellectual and intelligent boyfriend will be assisting me with my Ethics paper. I am not as 'worldly' as he is, if that's the right word. He's just, smart. Really smart. SO he's helping me. Maintains both our sanity levels :) Hum de do...David and I have been going to Spin class. An intense workout that, when combined with good eating habits and other weight training will help me lose and maintain my goal weight, which of course I haven't been even trying to obtain. I am having a hardcore chocolate craving and it's probably the PMS (yes, I just put all that out there, Eeekk!). I am just dyyyyyingggg for a pint of Green and Blacks Organic Bittersweet Chocolate ice cream....mmmmm...I am going to Google it...OK, really I'm going to go back to 'work'. Adios

lmz

I hate slush.

I can handle the snow. I like to bundle up and go for a nice walk around the Hill in the winter. I like to go snowmobiling, sledding and cross country skiing at the lake. But I hate this. I dispise this nasty weather! It's not sunny, it's freezing cold and the snow looks like crap. I can't wait for summer. I am SO excited for my nice long walks around the Hill, when David and I walk down to Grand Ave, go to Grand Ole Creamery..it is so much fun. I love summer. Boating, skiing, tubing, tanning, a nice cold Leinie's Summer Shandy on the lake. Ahh...I am ready for that :)

lmz

Ouch

So I went to the dentist on Wednesday and they finished up the root canal. It was horrible. I was out of work Thursday and am barely making it through today. It hurts so bad. I was sick to my stomach yesterday from the pain meds and not eating food. I haven't eaten since Wednesday...except the applesauce I'm eating now. It sucks. I hate this =(

Blah.

The root canal was fine, fyi, for anyone concerned. I lived through it.

I hate men. Why are they so immature and lazy? That's the question of the day. I could keep rambling but it really doesn't matter and it really is not interesting.

Leah

I'm alive! My root canal was just fine. That's just lovely.

Yay for the weekend =P

LMZ

Root Canal

I'm getting a root canal in the morning. I am nervous =(

I'll be hoped on pain killers all day Thursday, though, so that makes up for it. Sort of.

Wish me luck.

Leah

I want to run away

How nice does it sound to pack up everything and just leave. California sounds the best. San Francisco to be exact. Someday...

I hate being stressed out. I guess the only thing I'm stressed about now is this damn tooth. I need a root canal (and I've needed a root canal since December but I've failed to set aside any funds for this). Yesterday I was munching on pecans when I bit down in the wrong place and broke my f*cking tooth. Ouch. It hurt. The worst part is that it is constantly grinding against my tounge and unfortunately, my job requires me to talk for almost 8 hrs a day. So, needless to say, by the end of the day I've had just about enough. Anyways, I'm going in for a root canal on Thursday. Should be funnnn....Not.

Winter Blues

Why oh why won't winter go away? I hate it! It's sooo cold out. Well, I guess it's warmer today than it's been.

Since moving out of crazy lady's apartment, I am so much less stressed. It's amazing. I love it.

You know, I hate when grown women act like children. That seriously pisses me off. Today, while discussing the weekend and what we did, with another co-worker, I mentioned that I bought my brother, Justin, an iPod shuffle, and she comments back with "are you the parent?", SERIOUSLY. Why I let that get to me really pisses me off. I try to keep my personal life separate from my work life, I try hard. I don't come to work and b*tch about all my homework or talk about things going in my life. Why would you jump to the conclusion that I have to be the parent to buy my brother a gift? Is it my insecurity that is allowing it to get to me? Well, I responded with "No, I'm not. It's a gift" and proceeded to do my work. I don't need to justify spending $52.96 (with tax) on my brother to anyone. That was my choice. I bought it for him because I know how much he loves music. He uses it almost as therapy when he gets real stressed out, just like I do. I know how nice it is to just put on my headphones and go for a walk and listen to music. And Justin is the same way. SO I had mentioned to him if he stayed out of trouble and had some good behaviors I'd get him one. Well actually, Mom asked if I'd go in on it, and I said no, I couldn't afford it. Then I thought about it and a few days later I decided I would, only to find out that Mom already sent Justin a gift card for $30 instead of that. SO, I thought the right thing was to afford it. And I did. And he was happy, he enjoyed it. The look on his face when he opened it up, and we uploaded songs was priceless. If him having music can change him from getting upset at another kid at his house, then so be it. Isn't that better than beating a kid up? Although it's never okay to beat a kid up, I feel the same way sometimes. When grown ups act like children, and I don't have any other option because I'm stuck to my desk until 5:30pm, I chose to blog. And get it off my chest so that I'm not holding it all in.

So, I got a C+ on my Ethics paper...I know that sounds like it's "okay" but it's a little sad, but I'm NOT proud or happy. I had one week to write a paper, and I waited until about 4 hours before it was due. Ridiculous. I suppose it's good I at least got 78% considering it is 25% of my grade...Anyways, next time I'll have to do better. I have a nutrition test to take tonight. I have my book here to study @ lunch and on my break...I'm getting like 115% in that class now because of extra credit, which is always good.

Anyways, I got to vent. Feels better. Back to work. Is it Friday yet? Nope, still Monday. Great. =)

lmz

Brrr.

Sunset @ the Lake. I love it. Can't wait for summer!!

I had the morning off today. That was nice. I planned it yesterday, since I knew I'd be up late writing my paper, and then stressing out about it. I really didn't do well. I need to start WAY before it's due next time. Definatley not the night before. Real smart, Leah. So, I slept in. Until 10am. And puttsed around. David and I had brunch at Bon Vie. And then we went to the bakery and got some baked goods. And then...I got on the bus and came to work. Fun.


Tonight I'm going to the gym and eating dinner and then cleaning before turning in early.

I have tons of work to do today. Hmm. Better get going.

PS It's really freaking cold out. I wish it'd get warmer. It's seriously cold out. Brr.

lmz*_

Free!

I moved out on Saturday. I got lucky and my roommate released me from the lease without even having a new roommate. I am excited. I am happy. I was more than willing to be patient and wait, but she didn't want to. I guess I am that bad! Geesh! Yay! *happy dance*

Anyway, I have an ethics paper due tonight by 11pm..and I have barely started. I'm so screwed. And the worse part is that it's 25% of my grade...ughhh.....

Back to work =)

Ranting & Raving

I am not crabby today. I am not upset. I am excited, excited to move out, excited for spring, excited to go back to my normal life. It's not that bad. My life is not that bad. I am okay. There are people out there who are upset and pissed off about the same things. They hate the situation they're in, but they're not in an hurry to change them. So you hate your job...change it. Yes, it's not that easy, but it can be done. I don't know how many times I have heard you bitching and complaining that you hate your job, and you have two degrees you should be more successful...what else....you shouldn't be living in an apartment with someone else and your cats, you should have a home and be more successful. Do you hate the fact that you're a grown adult and you make less money than a young adult? Most people do, or would. Don't take it out on that person. There are plenty of adults out there who make less money than someone else, or don't own a home or don't have children. It's not all about money, you know that right? Don't take pride in yourself to be so great when you're not. This is harsh and mean of me. I've heard I'm considered immature and irresponsible, just a few of the adjectives used to describe me. You know what, no matter what you say, you're not going to change me. Actually, it's pretty funny that you would. You have no power over me. You don't have power over everyone, you know that right? I consider myself to be pretty damn mature, and very responsible. But this blog is not to boost me. This blog is written with hopes that the person can realize their own faults before jumping down every other person's throat. You can't change the world until you're satifsfied with yourself or with your own life. So take my advice. Chill out a little bit. Quit trying to be so perfect. You are a lovely human being with a kind heart. Don't try to be someone you're not. And don't take your faults out on someone else. I can't wait until I do not have to think about you anymore. The day I am done with you, there will be a nice e-mail in your inbox stating all the things you do that are horrible, and how you can change them...change them so that you have friends, or maybe a boyfriend, or HEY maybe you'll get married someday? Ha. Right.

lmz

love*

Call me mushy or old fashioned, but I've been thinking about "love" lately. What is love? Well I could recite the line from Corinthians..but I won't. Love is...happiness. Love is buying your girlfriend Midol at a gas station where it's only guys your age working (right Nat?), love is buying your broke girlfriend designer sunglasses, or going extremely out of your way to personally deliver her FAVORITE flower on the cheesiest day ever (Valentine's Day, totally overrated Hallmark holiday). Love is listening to your significant other, letting them cry when their emotions get the best of them. Love is just hugging them and saying "it's okay" and then if you're my boyfriend you say "Ok get over it" and you know that's his way of wanting you to quit pouting and come play a damn game or watch a movie. The best kind of love is the kind when you're just being lazy, doing nothing special, but you're still not bored. You have some world issue to debate about, or a small issue, like why the toilet seat should be left down. The best feeling is that look you get when you've just woken up. The one that's saying "wow" just by his eyes. That is my kind of love. Love is taking your kitties for walks..and yes, they walk. Around the block. Down the street. They're amazing cats. Love is driving 45 minutes to pick up your boyfriend from work because his ride left early. Love is just hanging out. I'm not even talking about boyfriend/girlfriend love. I mean friendship love. The kind where you can just sit on the couch and talk for hours, or one of the first few times you met someone and feeling like you've been friends forever, no matter what separates you. What happened to that kind of love? I love love. The good kind. The kind that my favorite singer croons about-the "you're everything" kind of love. It is those little moments when you realize you have to cherish that person, and their every quirk or their every flaw. Not even the bad stuff, either. Cherish the good stuff. The sexiest smile out there, the clearest blue eyes you've ever seen...When you know your life is not the same without that one simple person in it...that is love. True love. The love where you can't WAIT to be with that person for the rest of your life. You know they're it. And they know you're it. You're just waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect time to announce it to the world. Love. Ahh, I love love.

Well, it's a marvelous night for a Moondance
With the stars up above in your eyes
A fantabulous night to make romance
'Neath the cover of October skies
And all the leaves on the trees are falling
To the sound of the breezes that blow
And I'm trying to please to the calling
Of your heart-strings that play soft and low
And all the night's magic seems to whisper and hush
And all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush

Can I just have one more Moondance with you, my love
Can I just make some more romance with you, my love

Moondance

Did anyone see the eclipse last night? I didn't. It was too freaking cold out! Instead, I watched it on the news. That was fine. When I was leaving work I did see the big huge moon, that was cool!

I'm moving out of my apartment. If you wish to know further details as to why, please contact me, and I'll be happy to explain. It's not fair for me to throw it all over the internet as to why I am moving out. I will be moving back in with David for a little bit. I am just taking it day by day. I kind of want to live alone. When I originally moved out of David's I was counting on being 'more independant' and 'responsible' but unfortunatley that did not happen. Again, for reasons not to be discussed on my blog. I may look into getting my own one bedroom apartment. I am not sure I want to though. There are a few reasons. I don't have furniture. Why waste money on a couch...and living room stuff, and not to mention kitchen stuff, because again, I have nothing. To me it'd be a waste of time. It probably would be a waste of money, as well. 1 bedrooms are pretty expensive. So, tenativley I'll be moving back with David. We may look into getting a bigger apartment. His is pretty small. It's not so much small as between the two of us we have a lot of stuff. So, I am excited for that. So much for getting away..haha. I will miss Highland...oh well it will be worth it, I love the Hill way more than Highland. Plus I'm happier when I'm at David's. And I get to see my kitties. It's just simple. I should have never moved out in the first place. Especially with a total stranger. Not a good idea. I don't recommened it.

School...is going well. I dropped one class. Three was way too many. I am just taking two now, and hopefully I'll be able to focus better without being preoccupied by having to write my opinions of jazz history in APA style. Ridic.

I am going to the lake this weekend. I am so excited. We're going to go snowmobiling, and go to Duffy's (a cute little bar on the lake). Not to mention I get to see Chester (David's parent's new dog). He's adorable. Back to work =P

lmz*

can i just have one more moondance with you, my love?
can i just make some more romance with you, my love?

My thoughts for today.

I am not a bad person. I am sick of being subjected to feel like I'm a bad person. People make mistakes, maybe someone tells someone else something that this someone doesn't want to hear. Maybe said person is jealous. Maybe said person is letting too much little shit get to them. Who cares if I make more money than you? Who cares that my company gives more money for profit sharing than yours? How does that affect you? How can you be so concerned about what goes on in someone else's life? Especially when that person has no special relationship to you? That person is not your best friend, in your family or even close to being related to you. Why do you let what that person does piss you off? Why do you let that person's life get to you? These are the questions that are perplexing my mind. I don't understand, not one bit. I will admit that I was probably rude in sharing my company's profit sharing rates, which, is public knowledge and something my company takes pride in offering to their associates. I will admit I make pretty damn good money for a 20 year old. But I will not allow myself to feel BAD for that. I am not competing with anyone but myself. I am determined and I am smart. I do not blame the fact that I have a full time job and am a full time student on anyone else. I knew I had to make a pro-active choice to improve my life. I did not want to scrape up pennies and dimes for food and gas. And that's fine! That's my choice. I could be doing the '20 year old thing', going to school part time, working 12 hours a week at the mall and scraping up money. But I'm not. And I enjoy it. I enjoy having money to pay my daunting credit card bills, or to enjoy going out to eat with my boyfriend. I enjoy being able to spend $100 at Target on clothes or new things for myself. And I wouldn't be able to do that, not even close, if I didn't make these life choices. Yes, every now again (actually every Monday morning) I miss having my first class at 10am and being done by 5pm. I miss drinking with the girls on Monday nights and spending all of the next day recovering. I know I will succeed. Every day I try to better myself by taking pride in my career. This is my choice to work full time. And that's fine. Because it's the best option of all my choices. I will not let anyone bring me down. I do not think said person is a bad person, not at all, not even close. I think said person is smart, outgoing, courageous, knowledgeable and unique. I think said person and I could be great friends. But said person gets to me. And I let said person get to me. And I play said person's mental mind games. I am the who decides to let this person piss me off. But, I like said person. And I am playing this person's games, you see? I am letting their insecurities and faults get to me, and piss me off. I am taking whatever this person says to heart and allowing it to bother me. And that is all me. Me deciding to do that. So, I am wrong. I was wrong. But said person needs to not care about me, or what I do. I am not said person's girlfriend or significant other. You pride yourself on being so giving and thoughtful of others. You try so hard to please everyone. And from an outsider's point of view, you're the one stressing yourself out about other people's problems. And I don't want a fight or an argument. It's not worth the time for either of us. We both have better things to do than sit and worry about what the other one is thinking or what the other person's life problems are, and that's the cold, hard truth. Maybe I've been a little blunt or a little straight forward. The fact of the matter is that I don't have the balls to actually say anything to your face because I am intimidated by you. I am scared of your words and reactions. So I choose to express my feelings in a blog that you may or may not have accesss to. And if you're reading this, fine. I hope you understand that I don't hate you. I am not trying to be mean to you, or have an attitude towards you. I am not a mean person. I am not a bad person. Maybe I'm selfless. Maybe I'm immature and maybe I'm irresponsible. I'd like to think no one thinks of me as none of the above. But if they do, that's their perogitive. I am going to whole heartedly try to look past the miscommuncations between us because I do not want to let little things you say bother me the way I do. Maybe it's because I am emotional person and no matter who it is, if it's someone I don't know, says something bad about me, I take it to heart. I try to not care about what others think or let it roll off of my shoulders, but it's incredibly difficult. Please don't cop an attitude and pull the 'the whole world is out to get me' card. It's not that bad, hun. Move on.

....and the work is piled on my desk and I'm out of here in 15 minutes...Craptastic! Looks like I'm working late tonight! Oh well. That's life . I decided to vent my stresses out instead of work. That is my problem and I am not blaming that on anyone else.

lmz.

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

Unneccesary Stress

I take everyone else stress to be my own. That is my problem. I am so concerned with everyone else being happy and satisfied that I forget my own life and try to fix everyone and everything else. SO, that's what I will be working on. Hmm..nothing really to blog about. How about this weather?! I hate it. It sucks. I also hate school. School sucks. I hate these stupid classes and Jazz History will be my death. Call me negative Nancy...I have been sick for like 3 days..I am starting to feel better but I am sure that the Chipotle I am allowing myself to have tonight will make me feel better.

lmz.

Happy 2008! (A little belated!)

Here's a belated Happy New Year! I am hoping for a great year in 2008. I can't imagine it'd be a bad year, but ya never know. My semester ended well, a B in both classes! My classes start next week, but this time they're all online. I'm taking Ethics, Jazz History and Nutrition. Sounds exciting, right? I just can't wait until I can take my classes for my major. Those classes will be like, "Communicating Between Genders", "Marketing 101"...Ahh, I love those ones!!

I've gotten assigned a few different projects at work so I'm kind of busy!

OH By the way, my roomie is doing the Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk, if anyone is interested in donating, let me know, I can give you her website for it.

Leah

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! I can't believe it's almost Christmas. It's Christmas Eve today and I am at work until Noon. Not bad, I'll take it. Yesterday was Christmas with David's parents and sister-that was fun-We ate and opened presents and watched the Vikings lose to the Redskins. Today after work I'm going to take a little nap and then we're heading to Glencoe to go to his Grandma's house-which is my favorite part! I love going there-we play really fun games and eat lots of things! Mmm!! Yay! Tomorrow we're going to my Grandma's, that should be fun, too. That's really I have! Nothing too exciting. I finished the semester well-I got an A on my final photo project, an A on my sociology final and a B on my written final in photo! That's really all...

*lmz

I ought to say no, no, no, sir.
Mind if I move in closer?
At least I'm gonna say that I tried!
What’s the sense of hurtin’ my pride?
I really can't stay,
Baby don’t hold out
but its cold outside!

Ready for the weekend

I am so ready for the weekend. It seems like it's never here. And I hate this winter crap. I seriously am going to be a snow bird and someday go live in Florida or Arizona during this crap. It's so cold, walking home from the bus, waiting for the bus, at my desk...always freezing! I'm going to hibernate this weekend...not going anywhere or doing anything. Well, except study for my photo final, and my take my sociology quiz, and get a study guide for that ready. Hmm...that's all. Back to work.

lmz


If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.
Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.
Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

Positives

It seems as though things are going pretty well for me these days...well the past few days. Well, actually, on side they're going well, on the other, not so much. Let me explain...

David and I are doing really great. He really actually appreciates me being around. I went over Monday after class and he made me dinner, which was so sweet. And the same thing last night! A gourmet dinner last night! Steak and potatoes with carmelized onions-and a really good au jus sauce. I am happy that we're happy. I can't believe it's coming up on 14 months of being together. That's huge for me.

The most exciting thing to happen to me this week would have to be my 6 month performace appraisil at work....I recieved a "successful" rating, which is awesome, and it came with some nice benefits :). At 6 months, associates are expected to considered "developing" but I surpassed that by having an awesome work ethic, doing more than my assigned work and constantly staying busy, among other things. That was very exciting! I am working my way up.

Well...should get back to work :)

lmz

college.

A revelation! I was talking with my boss today about college...and what I am going to do after I am done at St Paul College (coming up really quick-two semesters left!)..Well, I was originally going to go to Metro State and major in Professional Communcations with a concentration in Organizational Communcation, and minor in Advertising...Well, looking at it, Metro is really cheap...and it's a good school, and it's close, but I'll be in school until like 2012 or 2013....it seems like a long time, and maybe I just want instant gratification..but seriously? 6 more years of school? I don't know...granted I will have very few student loans and will probably have an awesome resume and get a KILLER job...I don't know...So my boss brought up Concordia in St Paul..and I was like, mehh...private schools...no. But then I checked out the website....they don't have communcations as a program for the "adult learning programs"...but they do have "Innovation and Marketing Management" as well as "Organizational Leadership and Management" that would interest me and be beneficial in my career path....The program is 18 months, and the classes are about 5-6 weeks long, going all year..ah!! But, my boss, is married and has 5 kids, and she did it. I wonder if it'd work for me? Hmm...I won't be applying until mid to late summer...The application process is different than normal-you submit a resume, and two letters of "professional" recommendation. I like that. $400/credit though...Ah...well, Securian does refund up to $5K of expenses assuming I do well..Life is exciting. I really wanted to do Communcations, I love communcations, and talking, and writing. It's like, the perfect major....I kind of like the leadership one, maybe I could pick up a minor in Comm?? OH OH!! They also have both the programs I like online...I LOVE online classes...I HATE sitting in class...I guess $400/credit isn't bad compared to St. Kate's *$750-800/credit*...but compared to Metro, which is about $180-$200/credit...Would a degree from Concordia be more transferrable than Metro? If I move to Boston, or Sacramento, or Phoenix, or South Carolina, would I get a good job? Metro State is more of a well known local school...is Concordia well known all over? That's the tough thing. I know I want to move away, I know I do. I want to graduate, stay at Securian for a year (so I don't have to pay back the tuition reimbursement) and then find a job out of state and move away for a while.

Meh..

lmz..

Meh..

Well I haven't written in a while, but that's okay. Nothing really new. Hey something REALLY exciting...I got an A on my photo test last night..how that happened, I have NO idea...I honestly read about two sentences from the chapter..Whoa. That's awesome. I'm still getting a low C in that class....I need to pick it up really quick to get it up to a B...Bleh. That's about it.

Happy Turkey Day!

Christmas is overrated.

I like decorating and spending time with my family. I think it's dumb that people spend *so* much money and useless stuff. I don't know, Christmas in my family has always been either really laid back, or really depressing. It's never a big deal. We go to Grandma's, we eat, and we talk. I am still lucky I guess that no one expects me to buy gifts. I mean, I understand the meaning of the gifts but I think some people go overboard, don't you? That's just society. Maybe I'm just bitter....I never really liked the idea of Christmas. I like the "Idea" of it, I mean the reason for it, but I think it's lost it's point. God doesn't want people spending $500 on a 10 year old, wouldn't he rather have that money be spent to do something good? Or something for the good of the whole family?? Oh well. I like Thanksgiving better and I think Christmas should be like that, too...I mean I appreciate a nice little gift for Christmas, don't get me wrong.

Oh well. I'm just bitter about holidays. I was reading my old diary a couple weeks ago that my grandma gave me Xmas of 7th grade, and it was like "I hate christmas. I hate being around my family, they are crazy and we never have fun. I wish I just lived with grandma, I hate my brothers and my mom". *laughing* Kind of funny, I suppose.

Life sure isn't what you think it is. *sigh*.

Still looking forward to Yoga in the AM.

It doesn't show signs of stopping
And I've brought some corn for popping
The lights are turned way down low
Let is snow, let it snow, let it snow

.:stronger:.

I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way



Looking forward to the weekend-Yoga on Saturday AM, friends over Saturday night, relaxing, cleaning, oh and getting our big couch on Friday night =)


lmz

If you just realize...

Take time to realize that your warmth is crashing down on in.
Take time to realize that I am on your side.
Didn't I, didn't I tell you?
But I can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple.
No I can't spell it out for you.
If you just realize what I just realized, then we'd be perfect for eachother, and we'll never find another.
Just realize what I just realized, we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now.

Am I wrong and totally selfish? Because I hate feeling like doing something that I want soo bad is ruining my life and relationship. Apparently I'm selfish for wanting to live on my own when I'm 20...and I should be able to make a relationship work for myself. That's not possible. I am so sick of being emotionally screwed that I could scream and cry. I don't want to feel like I'm doing something wrong, because I'm not. I've already sacrificed part of my life and have given up any kind of social life or freedom to work full time, and it sucks.
I'd rather sleep until 9am and go to class at 10am and working a part time job. But that's not how it works, I can't do that. I mean, I could, but I really don't want to deal with what goes along with it..being broke and living at home. Being told I'm selfish for moving out of my boyfriend's is wrong. For some reason, he's the ONLY one who thinks it's selfish. I get so many people saying "That's awesome, I'm proud of you, good job". But the one person who's supposed to be there says the opposite. Maybe he's the selfish one....I mean, does he think about why I want to move out? Because I can't stand coming to someone laying on the couch, because he makes me sick watching TV all the time, because I can't leave for work crying in the morning because he was crabby and couldn't find his fucking toothbrush or glasses. That is why.
On top of the fact that it's just wrong. I want a 'normal' relationship, and I thought moving out could make it a little better, maybe get it back to how it was the few days I knew him before moving in. But now it's the opposite. I'm now alone. Fine by me. I mean I'm sad, and it sucks, but you know what, I'll be fine. I'm strong. And that's another thing. Sara and I were emailing today and she brought up a good fact. Men can't handle strong women.
They are intimidated by women who are smart and independent and don't need them for every fucking thing. They can't stand feeling inferior. I'm never going to get married. Or have kids (well, that's fine. I don't want any). I'm going to be 35 with a lot of cats and no man. I don't need a man, but...I'd like one. I'd like one who can handle me...and I just don't think it's going to happen. Not holding my breath. Oh well. I'm going to enjoy my youth and not be bitter.
On a brighter note, still doing well in classes-I'm taking 3 next semester, all online. And my brother Justin is going to be moved from Rochester to Minnetonka soon, which is awesome. It will be way easier to be in contact with him a lot more when he's so close.

lmz

All Settled In

Well, I'm all moved into my new apartment! It's great, I love it. Also, I am getting B's in both of my classes. Awesome. I'm proud of myself. Hopefully those get up to A's by then end of the semester-I've got a few more weeks to go! I'm going to get started on my photography project soon and I'm really excited, it should be cool! The only downside is that I have to work on in the morning before work because it might by hard to do at night...Morning, and at lunchtime....when I leave work it's 5:30pm and dark out! I am going to be photographing Rice Park in downtown St Paul, the lights on the trees, the people ice skating..I love it. I haven't written in a while, been too busy moving and stuff. The place will look really good when we're all settled in and I have a bed. Oh well, back to work.

lmz

But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so..

i'm not okay.

Have you ever cried so hard that you can't breathe? Where it's to the point that you can't see, can't even taste your cigarette?

That's me.

Needless to say, I am counting the HOURS until I move into my new apartment.

I don't have much to write today.

My head hurts so bad I feel like it's going to explode.

Off to work, the day couldn't be going slower...

Ugh.

lmz.

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems
I've told you time and time again
You sing the words but don't know what it means
To be a joke and look
Another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time
Take a good hard look
I'm not okay
I'm not okay

Just another Monday..

I hate Mondays.

I try so hard on the weekend to get up at my normal time so my Monday's won't be so bad. Nope, doesn't happen. I just sleep until ike 10am, and it throws my whole day off. I hate it.

I got a B on my Sociology test! I am pretty proud, even though it's only a B...I have gotten C's on all before. Tonight is class from 6-9...then I am watching the Hills and sleeping. Blah. Tuesdays are better, they're closer to the weekend, but still not Thursday or Friday!

3 Days til move-in day! I am excited =) I have my invites to send out for my housewarming party. I'm not really inviting many people, I don't have a big family...Oh well. It will be a Sunday afternoon thing. I am going to have another one for my friends, but that won't be til December.

I should go...I am busy...I am doing this thing for work called "LOMA" I don't know what it stands for but it's basically teaching myself the "principles of insurance, life health and annuities"...Fun. BUT after I'm done with all I will have a special "certification" and it will look awesome on my resume. Off to study for that, and my photo. quiz tonight. Blah.

Looking forward to: moving, asian noodle bowl for lunch at the caf, class tonight.

lmz

Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

Simply put, by someone who *barely* knows me...

My new roommate, Sara, and I e-mail a lot throughout the day while at work. Today I was bitching about drama and stress and Sara had the perfect answer that describes my life at this point and my mood....

"My guess is you're the oldest and in addition to every day life, you're juggling a lot more than most 20 year olds. Sometimes you feel like no one understands the pressure you're under, no one really cares or is supportive? Sometimes you just want to scream, throw everything out the window, give the world the proverbial finger and say "I GIVE UP!" but you don't because it feels like no one is listening anyway? Yep, I know exactly how you feel, been there. Sucks but it doesn't have too. "

Whoa. On the dot my friend, on the fucking dot.

Hmm....

8 Days til move-in dayyyyyyy......

Things looking forward to: Watching Private Practice tonight
Finishing my homework

lmz

can i just have one more moondance with you, my love?

9 Days...

9 days until Sara and I move into our apartment. Yes, yes...I signed a one year lease! This is a big step for me and it's a little scary. I have been 'on my own' for quite some time but now I guess it's, official. It is going to feel so good to come home to something that is 'my own'. My own room. Designed and decorated by me. I can just see it now-the walls are a really tame pink, not pale but not hot pink. A really nice pink. I don't have a bed right now but I will be getting a bed with a black frame-a black wood frame in particular. I am going to have black side tables and a black dresser-and a desk in my room. I am going to have black shelves on the wall with pink and black candles and the bedspread is white with black and pink stripes. I will have a dark pinkish or purple shag rug on the floor, since the floors are wood I don't want to have cold feet all the time in the winter.

Needless to say, I am excited. I am not really financially ready and November will be horrible on my fianances. I wasn't planning on moving until December. Well, WE weren't planning on it...but we looked at this place, it was perfect. Really cheap, good location (not in a shady/sketchy place) good size..plus Sara's landlord owns it so it worked out really well for her. So, needless to say, I won't be decorating as I'd LIKE until later-not until December...good idea for X-mas gifts =gift cards, gift cards, gift cards!!

Meh, just another Tuesday...I decided to start something where in each blog I say something that I am looking forward to. I have little post it notes on my desk of things I am looking forward to, and I only I know what they mean, and it helps get through the day.

Looking forward to: *Haircut/color on Saturday!
*My PINK room
*The end of the semester with good grades!

Not looking forward to: *Missing my kitties =(
*The holidays...I hate family get togethers. --> In fact, I think this year I will enjoy the holidays alone in my apartment. With Sara's cats. I'll get some Chipotle and spend the dreaded days reading books and enriching my mind. Bah frickin' humbug.
*Photography final...or Soc. final for that. Any tests I will have to take. (You know, I've come to the conclusion that tests are STUPID. Sounds real scientific but here's my reasoning: So, I've been in the 'real world' since May, and I have a good job, at a good company. Do I have to take a 'test' to show what I know? NO. Do I get assigned projects with a deadline, which is really important to get done by that date. YES. In school, I get assigned a project, put it off ALL semester, work on it for a while a couple days before it's due and get an A. Case in point: Intro to Communcations Spring 2007-we were assigned a project in the beginning of the semester. I put it off, worked on it here and there and I worked on it all day the night it was due. I went to class, gave my presentation, got an A from the teacher and won 1st place in the Saint Paul College Liberal Arts Fair. At work, get assigned a project, finish it BEFORE it's due and get praised for it. It is SO much more important to be able to have the skills to get something done when it's due and do a GOOD JOB on it than it is to take a frickin' test....)


lmz*

Help me remember
The way that we used to be
When nothin' else mattered
'Cause you were lovin' me
Just for the night, one last time
One more good memory
When I look back
That's what I wanna see

rain rain go away...

Will it ever stop raining? This sucks, I hate coming to work all wet from waiting for the bus and the wind blows the rain under my umbrella...ughhhh...So Gallager (the boy cat) started peeing blood yesterday. Of course I freak out and google it and he probably has a UTI, which isn't a big deal. It's painful for him, but then it talks about these "crystals" and how they can block the urinary tract...and that it can get backed up and then he can die. All within 24 hours. So naturally my first thought is to bring him to the vet...well...I don't really have $300 laying around to get the cat fixed....and of course David is totally against bringing cats to the vet when they're sick...So, we're going to start feeding him cranberry juice and yogurt and hope it gets better. *sigh* I wish it were December. The next 6 weeks are going to just drag on..Blah..

lmz

Now that it's raining more than ever know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella

*red umbrella*

Sometimes life can get a little dark

I'm sure I've got bruises on my heart

Here come the black clouds full of pain

Yeah, you can break away without the chains

Your love is like a red umbrella

Walk the streets like Cinderella

Everyone can see it on my face

So let it rain

It's pourin' all around

Let it fall

it ain't gonna drown me

After allI'm gonna be okay

let it rain

You can wear your sorrow like an old raincoat

You can save your tears in a bottle made of gold

But the glitter on the sidewalk always shines

Yeah, even God needs to cry sometimes

Your love is like a red umbrellaA

Always there to make me better

When my broken dreams

Are fallin' from the sky

Let it wash my tears away

Tomorrow's another day

Yeah

Is the sun ever going to come out??

Another day of crappy weather. This really doesn't help my whole "moving out" thing...just makes life worse. I wish it was sunny out. Where's the fall weather I love so much?? Sara and I are looking at an apartment tonight. I REALLY hope we can work something out so that we can move in in December, because if this place is all it's cracked up to be, it will be amazing...it's on Ashland and Western...We shall see. I was driving to work today and I heard this song on the radio. I've never heard it before, it made me cry. Well, everything makes me cry, not a big deal. It's be Elliot Yamin, called "I'll wait for you"....

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you and I'm wishing you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go
You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone
You could have stayed but you wouldn't give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more than I can stand
And all my tears they
Keep runnin' down my face
Why did you turn away

So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I'll wait for you
Been a long time since you called me
How could you forget about me
You gotta be feeling crazy
How can you walk away
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is and it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me
You're still in love with me
Don't leave me crying
Baby why can't we just, just start all over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance
I can love you right
But you're telling me it won't be enough

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I'll wait for you

So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me
But I know it's a lie
What you're keeping inside
That is not how you want it to be
Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing I do

Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I'll wait for you
I'll be waiting...

Cinnamon Sugar Bagel and Strawberry Cream Cheese

My morning started off amazing--with a cinnamon sugar bagel and strawberry cream cheese....mmmm...I waited 20 minutes for it, they weren't done, so I waited until the next batch was done, which is amazing because then it's fresh and hot from the oven. Hmm, not really much to say, found a roommate-her name's Sara she goes to grad school and works full time right next to my building in downtown. We seem pretty similar-mature and outgoing with a good head on our shoulders. The weekend was nice, I didn't do much, which was even better. On Saturday I spent the morning with Bill and Jacquie and the kids and then went back to David's to clean up my stuff and clear out my closet and stuff, and in the evening went to B&J's. It was good to see the kids again. Sunday was a really nice day--David and I watched the Twin Cities Marathon, looking for Jen but she was running slower than I calculated her at. But still, 12 minutes for a mile...not bad, not bad. I would LOVE to run a marathon....I should probably be able to run on the treadmill for longer than 5 mins without dying...lol. Anyways, I should get back to work....I like being at work, keeps my mind off of everything else.

lmz

Cuz when you're Talkin out loud and nobody’s there
you look like hell and ya just don’t care
Drinkin more than ya ever drank
Sinkin down lower than ya ever sank when ya
Find ya self fallin down upon your knees
Prayin to God beggin him please
That’s when she’s more than a memory

There's no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard,
No song that I could sing But I can try for your heart,
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things,
Like a shoebox of photographs,
With sepia tone loving,
Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart ,
Like why are we here?
And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy,
And sometimes life can be deceiving,
I'll tell you one thing,
its always better when we're together

MMM, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together


And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone,
When the morning light sings
And brings new things,
But tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too,
Too many things I have to do,
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene I'll be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two, Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do,
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now
Yeah, it's always better when we're together
We're somewhere in-between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing, We're better together

Maybe it won't be so bad....

I think things are going to work out for the best. I think I need to kind of live on my own, and have my own responsibilites, not have someone there to always catch me if I fall or mess up. At least it's Wednesday already. Almost Friday =). I have been looking around for rooms to rent and I've got a lead. I hope to check it out tonight or tomorrow--it would be a great place at a good price. On a side note, I got an A on my photography project! For some reason I am bombing the quizzes we have every week. Just goes to show that I am not good at tests. I can get an A on a project, but when it comes to the mid-term, or the final, I always get a C, or even a D....And I am studying, I just am not a good test taker...Blah!! Back to work.

PS: This weekend is Twin Cities Marathon, my friend Jen is running in it and I hope to go see her on Sunday! Sweet! Hopefully it's a nice weekend!!

PS: I miss my Gallager

lmz

Cause you and I both loved

What you and I spoke of

and others just read of

Others only read of the love

What is meant to be...

It's so funny how much things can change in such a short period of time. Last week I was so looking forward to the weekend, this week I just wish I could stay at work 24/7. It's like I don't even know what happened, everything just fell apart. I have started to look for places to move...I've found a couple rooms that people are renting out. I just feel so nervous yet excited but mostly, I'm scared shitless. I guess after being with someone for a year and then it just all of a sudden ends, I feel sort of lost. Like all of a sudden, my life is just totally different. Last year at this time David and I had met and began dating. Everything was so perfect. I don't want it to be over, I don't want to be alone. I'm not ready for the relationship to be done. It's like I don't even know how far it could have gone or what could have been made of the relationship we had. I just need to keep my head up, keep smiling, and what's meant to be will find it's way.

lmz

The path that I'm walking, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown, full grown.
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I forseek the dark ahead if I stay

When it rains, it pours.

So, the last weekend of September was a pretty crappy one. For one, it rained all weekend, didn't see a drop of sun all weekend. Second, my car decided to screw up...the alignment is all messed up I can't even drive it. Third, my debit card got stolen, and used, twice. So I was at the ATM on maryland and arkwright and quick got some stamps, and ran out the door and I must have left my check card in the ATM. Whoever was behind me decided to snatch it and go buy gas, twice. Thanks, asshole. Anyways, I'll be filing a police report and I contacted Wells Fargo, so I won't be responsible for the charges... As for my weekend of peace, I guess not. Not to mention things in wonderful land haven't been so wonderful. As always, I screwed up. It seems as though I can never do anything right...Anyways, needless to say, I spent the weekend and my Grandma's house...I am not sure what I am going to do, stay there, get my own place, or go back to David's. I just hope everything works out, and doesn't stress me out too much. =(

lmz

How strong are you now
Without her around
You can't even keep one little bitty tear
From fallin down
Tell me how strong are you now